What Does a Christian Family Look Like- A Grace Perspective

As a Biblical counselor I can recall the one thing that domineering and egotistical males could recite was the verses on submission. They would use these verses to bolster their authority, however their actions in the home clearly reflected a lack of Christ-likeness.  They would actually get indignant when I refused to take up their cause. You see gentlemen, the act of submission is this way: as the man submits his will to Christ and humbles himself as a shepherd-leader by example in the home, then and only then would a wife be willing to submit to his headship. You see a leader who commands but does not lead by example is not submissive to the will of Christ. Jesus humbled himself to leave the glory He shared with the Father to take on mortal flesh, live a perfect life so he could become that sinless lamb needed for sacrifice once for all, suffer horribly unto death at the hands of the creation He came to save. Gentlemen, until you are willing to die to self, and leave all your wants, wishes, and dreams at the foot of the cross and live sacrificially for those of your household you are not worthy of respect or submission! Something to consider guys...meekness does not imply weakness.

Meet Pastor Sam Nunnally:

Okay, on to the famous marriage passage in Ephesians 5:18-33 (NLT):

“Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts…And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.…In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

 ”As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

 There’s a lot in here to digest but let’s just pull some of the most overlooked parts out for a minute. Most pastors start with verse 22 – the part about wives submitting to husbands, passing over the preceding verses that qualify it. The whole passage starts where Paul talks about being filled with the Spirit.  What does he mean? He gives us an example – drunkenness, actually. When someone is inebriated, they have assigned their will over to a chemical that makes their decisions for them.  We call this impaired judgment – others call it being smashed.  In the same way, being filled with the Spirit is to allow the Spirit to affect your decisions and life strategies.  Make sense? We are to be “filled with the Spirit” to the point where it affects our judgment. It’s not coincidence that the grammar in the original here has a fluid, loose feel to it almost as if Paul was writing in a drunken way to convey his point.

Next, before Paul says anything about wives submitting, he states in verse 21 that we are to submit to “one another in the fear of the Lord” (NKJV). Here we have mutual voluntary submission - a state of equality and interdependence under the Lord (similar to the concept of the social Trinity I might add…). Paul doesn’t say anything about the husband being higher up on the ladder of spiritual maturity than the wife. They receive equal investment under God.  After addressing this mutual submission under God, only then does Paul delve into the specifics of marriage.

Over the next few verses the smallest words become the most important. Paul admonishes women to submit to their husbands “as to” the Lord. The husband is the “head…as also Christ is head” of the church. “As” the church follows Christ, “so” wives follow their husbands. Husbands should love their wives “just as” Christ does the church. All of these small words qualify the relationship – husbands are to represent the love of Christ for the church. To the extent that they do this, women are encouraged to follow. When Paul says that the husband is “head” of the wife, the actual word means to lead by example. This what headship actually means. When the example of husbandry reflects to the love of Christ for believers, wives are certainly willing to follow one who leads by example.

It’s important to note that Paul was not describing the marriages he saw at Ephesus. He was describing what Christian marriage should look like as men and women grow into spiritual maturity. Of course, the vision that Paul puts forward takes time to develop. I know that it did for us (and still is). Particularly, it took one spouse’s willingness to overhaul their own approach to marriage before the other caught up. That idea scares spouses – what if I make myself vulnerable and they take advantage of it? At first, you can be sure that they will.  But if “the goodness of God leads to repentance” in a person’s life, that same model will transform a marriage. God’s risk can also be yours.

In the end, Christian marriage should look like this: two people madly in love with God to the point that it affects how they treat each other. Made in the image of God, these two believers honor each other in the ebb and flow of life. Rather than squaring off against one another and digging in for a fight, they lay their own opinions aside. Then they do one of two things: 1) they defer to the other or 2) they pray for God’s guidance as their answer. Either way they are not individuals but a team working towards a common goal. The two have become one flesh…

The key to all of this is “as to…so.” In a Christian’s life, the depth of relationship they have with the Father spills over into their relationship with their spouse. Rather than the Western notion of priorities in order, see God as the center of a wheel with marriage as one of many “spokes” originating from it. Or as water spilling over a bathtub. Depth with God creates depth everywhere else.

Well said Pastor Sam! See you all next blog,
Ted

Submission vs. Coercion in Marriage- A Grace Perspective

There are so many dysfunctional marriages in the world. The men who lead these families have no idea what real "servant leadership" works like. They make demands and expect everyone to fall in line. When they finally lose their family because of foolish thinking and behavior they want to blame everyone but their own selfish stupidity. "WHAT WENT WRONG?" they asked bitterly. They went to church every Sunday...well at least most Sundays but they would not serve others. Most worked hard and made a good living, sure they spent most of the money on themselves because they worked so hard, but "hey, she had a nice roof over her head clothes to wear and food to eat." Some even gave up some weekends to go on vacations but they were in a hurry to get it over with so they could go play. Some nurtured  their bodies so their wives would see them as "hot at any age," however that meant they spent less time nurturing their children and wives needs and spent more time in front of the mirror admiring themselves. Unfortunately for them it cost them a close relationship with the one they most wanted to impress. The church told them that no matter what they were like that their wives had to submit to them even if they didn't like the man they had become...

Meet Pastor Sam Nunnally-GraceWorks Church, Tallahassee, FL.

My wife(Beth) and I have been married for about eight years. The first two years were hell on earth. Here’s why: we are both “type A” personalities. When we got married, as strong Christians, we assumed that God would automatically adjust our personalities to mesh in a glorious fashion.  That’s didn’t happen – I was offering her a divorce by the end of the first year!

Slowly over time, we developed an understanding of what godly marriage might look like. Surprisingly it looked nothing like what we saw in the church. The majority of spousal teaching we had acquired over the years taught the exact opposite of what we found to be true for us.  I want to share some of that here and in the next post as well.

The biggest problem surrounding Christian marriage teaching is the understanding of the word “submission.” I know…it conjures up images of wives waiting on husbands hand and foot, just happy to be alive serving their spouse and children in the name of the Lord.  I actually saw a blog on here last week written by a female that attempted to talk women into exactly that…like if you say it over and over to yourself it will sound more palatable! One line in her blog said, "If wives would just submit to their husbands even when they don’t want to, they would find enjoyment and fulfillment in the act." For the record, that concept makes most sane Christian women want to puke – and for good reason.  Submission, as it is generally understood in church circles, has ruined the true definition of biblical submission. Mostly because it was made up by men and taught by men to get what men have wanted: their wives to do their bidding, especially in bed!

Rather, what some churches have taught is “coercion” or “compliance” the act of making another person do your will even when don’t want to. I have actually been personally told, “you can’t submit until you disagree.” The problem with Christian men who teach such phrases is that they have no intention of listening to what you have to say in the first place. Most people assume that God requires submission in the same way – a subtle form of coercion. Like a boss at work, he makes decisions that you are expected to comply with even when they rob your emotional and physical vitality for some unknown purpose.  Usually such admonishments to submit by Christians are shrouded in mysterious phrases like, “it’s for your own good,” “you’ll see the benefits in the future” or “all things work together for good…” Who’s good are we talking about here?

Truthfully, God calls us to submit to him and to one another, to the extent that we trust God and others are acting our best interests. Submission merely means to voluntarily become vulnerable to the actions of another. However, God never says to follow someone who has not earned that submission. My wife is happy to follow my lead as long as she knows my intentions are for her betterment and not at her or our children’s expense. I  expect her to submit (voluntarily open herself up) to me only to the extent that I am submitted to God. Furthermore, she doesn’t have to do what I say unless she believes I am fully informed of her and our children’s wishes AND actively involved in their lives. Husbands who do not fall into those categories should never ask for their families’ submission.

I want to concentrate on that famous submission passage in Ephesians 5, but a summary verse for a husbands role in marriage in found in Galatians 5:13. “…do not use liberty as an opporunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Listen up fellas – women have an internal barometer that tells them where your affections lie. They know when you don't truly love them but want what they can give you instead! Their intuition tells them whether your heart values their input or not. If they feel that you are using the headship of your home as an “opportunity for the flesh” – to meet your own short range, inconsiderate goals – they will buck you every time. God made them like that! SEX IS NOT LOVE-NEVER HAS BEEN AND IT NEVER WILL BE! Men who “through love serve” their families never have to ask for submission from them. His family immediately supports his decision because they trust his intentions are true. A husband who has his families’ trust rarely asks anything from that trust unless its absolutely necessary. On those rare occasions, they submit – voluntarily opening themselves up to your decisions – trusting that you will prize their volition. The husband that follows God will honor that trust, never capitalizing on it. Taking their cues from Dad, the other members of the family serve each other in love as well…and the cycle for healthy family submission starts over again.

See you next post where Sam looks at Ephesians 5:18-33…

Wisdom And Best Laid Plans

Have you ever talked to or tried to reason with a fool? Their reasoning is...well...UNREASONABLE! The Bible warns throughout Proverbs that avoiding a fool is the best remedy to prevent confusion and heartache. Perhaps you know one intimately? The New Testament gives us practical ways to understand that a fool's reasoning is folly and not to follow it. Fools have no grace for those of the faith...you will never measure up to a fool's reasoning and yet they do not hold the same standard for themselves. In other words they lack WISDOM, the most important kind...Biblical WISDOM!

To suggest that wisdom is always balanced seems to me to be a bit, well, unbalanced. Whoever first uttered the words of wisdom, “moderation in all things,” should, I believe, have healed himself. All things? Isn’t that a bit extreme? In like manner, wisdom is almost always balanced. We need to measure the wisdom of looking before we leap with the equally potent conviction that he who hesitates is lost. We need to remember, as we loudly affirm that we ought not answer a fool according to his folly lest we be like him, that we ought to answer a fool according to his folly lest he become wise in his own eyes (Prov. 26: 4–5).

Jesus, who is wisdom incarnate, wisely tells us that we must consider the cost. Only a fool would destroy his household and those within it by living out condescending behavior but it is done every day in homes all around the world. Don't believe it can happen in your own home...just listen to the conversation of your children and what they watch on TV and where they go on YouTube for entertainment. How do you suppose Jackass, the movie, got such a high following? Emergency rooms are filled with fools who can't help but demonstrate their prowess at being IDIOTS! Where does the Shepherd of your home go to gain his wisdom to pass on to your children? Is prayer and reading of the Word an important part of daily family activity? Only a fool would set about the business of building a tower without first determining if he had the money to complete the job. You see that also applies to counting the cost of growing and nurturing a family. What kind of college education have you and your children discussed? Are they heading in a direction that will be pleasing to God? Will they grow in stature and wisdom in the same manner that our Lord grew up or become painfully materialistic and spoiled? Planning for our future, according to Jesus, is good and proper. Out of this wisdom we have with all due wisdom extrapolated our calling to set goals before us, to look beyond today, to discern the times. This same Jesus, however, speaking through James His brother, says, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’ — yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil” (James 4:13–16). Are you boasting in your arrogance that you have stored up for yourselves treasures on earth or humbled yourselves and submitted to God's plan of building treasures in heaven?

It is a great thing to plan, to lay down your hopes and aspirations. It is a great thing, in fact, not just to hope for a particular destination but to map out the steps that will get you there. It is, however, incumbent upon us to do this as creatures, as vapor. We must remember our frame. We must remember that we simply propose while God disposes. If the Lord wills, we will do this or that. If, however, the Lord wills differently, His plans will supersede our own. Not only ought we to pray, “nevertheless not my will but Thine be done,” but we ought also to pray knowing that His sovereign will, in fact, will be done.

If we would plan in accordance with God’s plan, we must first know what God’s plan is. As an example: He has not told us that we will go into such and such a city, buy and sell and make a profit. He has not told us that my 17 year-old daughter will marry her 18 year-old neighbor, and the two of them will build their home on the back side of our property. He has not told us that my 14 year-old son will thrive in a particular line of work, and will, along with his own as yet unborn children, seize that whole industry for the kingdom of God. He has not told us that once we have seized this industry we will cooperate with the plan set in motion by Brother Jones fifty years ago so that we can together seize that other cultural doodad for Jesus. It is a shameful thing to be shortsighted. It is likewise an arrogant thing to boast that you can see far into the future.

God’s secret plan is just that — secret. We don’t know His strategy, how He will move in this coming year, decade, or century. God’s revealed plan is, well, that which has been revealed. He has told us what is required of us — that we do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him (Mic. 6:8). He has told us the sum of the matter — that we should fear Him and obey all that He commands (Eccl. 12:13). He has called us to go into all the nations, baptizing them, teaching them to obey all that He has commanded (Matt. 28:19–20). He has told us that we ought not worry about what we will eat or about what our great grandchildren will eat. The Gentiles worry about such things. No, our calling is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matt. 6:33). Our prayer and plan should be that every day we would grow more faithful in this calling, that I would set the example in my own life and in turn encourage those of my household in the same direction. Our prayer and plan should be that all of us, as long as life should last, will encourage our children and their children along this same path. He may call our children to the mission field. He may call us to the mission field. He may call us to suffer this illness or that. He may call all or some of us home. But as long as we live, we are all called to grow in grace and wisdom.

Here is why wisdom dictates that we be equally yoked with a mate who shares our convictions to serve the Lord Jesus Christ. This, we highly resolve — that we would seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. We resolve to teach our children to do the same by example, and to teach their children to do the same. If we would but keep this one resolution, we would witness worldwide revolution. Better yet, we would enjoy a new reformation. May God give us the grace and wisdom on how to be extremists where we ought to be yet seasoned with love for those to whom we are sent to speak to, that we would always seek out wisdom and rest in His finished work.

See you next blog,
Ted

Plain Speaking vs Mealy-mouthed speaking

Definition of plain is:

    1.Not intricate or difficult; evident; manifest; obvious;
      clear; unmistakable. "'T is a plain case." --Shak.
      [1913 Webster]

   2.(a) Void of extraneous beauty or ornament; without
          conspicious embellishment; not rich; simple.
      (b) Not highly cultivated; unsophisticated; free from show
          or pretension; simple; natural; homely; common. "Plain
          yet pious Christians." --Hammond. "The plain people."
          --A. Lincoln.
      (c) Free from affectation or  beings disguise; candid; sincere;
          artless; honest; frank. "An honest mind, and plain."
          --Shak.

meal·y-mouthed
mee-lee-moutht, -mouthd]  Show IPA

adjective

avoiding the use of direct and plain language, as from timidity,excessive delicacy, or hypocrisy; inclined to mince words;insincere, devious, or compromising.

How do you like the definition of mealy-mouthed? 

All of us need learn when we are being spoken to in a way that offends. Especially the offense of mealy-mouthed speaking. We are imperfect beings but we are expected to live up to standards that we are not truly capable of in and of ourselves. However that is no excuse for speaking half-truths or speaking in a manner just to please others when in fact we believe something very different. How many times have you heard difficult yet intricate speeches or just flowery words from someone that you really want to believe and so we give ourselves over to trusting that the person speaking is sincere and we give up our God-given cautions and believe. It happens every day in every home and every workplace. Words have value, but only as much as the integrity behind them! Our opinions have worth but only as much as we are able to understand what integrity really is. Opinions have to have a basis in which to measure their worth. If your opinions are based on false information or information that flatters instead of real truth then you have been misinformed and worse...lied to!!!!

I can't think of anything worse in a relationship than someone who only tells half-truths or hides information just to keep the peace or to hide their real intention. Why? Because it keeps us from being truly intimate.If we refuse to speak plainly it allows a fool to believe they are correct in their thinking! Jesus spoke plainly to the sinner and gave them reason to trust. He spoke plainly to the religious overly pious leaders of the day and let them know they lived a false faith. If the person we love as a friend or a spouse keeps information from us to keep from dealing with truth then we miss the opportunity to grow as friends or as a couple. Likewise if you refuse to speak plainly to those who are foolish in their thinking we leave them with the impression that we trust their words and manner of dealing with us.

Speak plain when you talk to those you care about or to those who are offensive to you. Plain speaking leaves no room for error or misquotes. Give them permission to speak plainly to you as well.

See you next blog,
Ted