What Happens When You Abandon A Narcissist?

I got an email from a lady in Wisconsin that just broke my heart detailing all the things her husband has done to this young woman and would you believe after detailing the terrible things he has done she asked the question...AM I ABUSED? He fits the profile of a Malignant Narcissist to a tee, and makes her feel like she is the problem and that there is something wrong with her thinking. To her I have this to say and to everyone living with an Abusive Narcissist: 

If you truly value your sanity you will have to understand that the Narcissist is an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE! You will never have any real value except as "feeding ground" for his voracious appetite of self! Everything must revolve around this self-styled god. Separate yourself from his kingdom of self if you want any identity of your own.

I have talked about the ABUSER until I am blue in the face it seems, but it really is hard to get the ABUSED to understand why their ABUSER does the things they do and that ABUSED ARE NOT CRAZY! YOU HONESTLY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM AN ABUSER ESPECIALLY A NARCISSIST! Dr. Sam Vaknim, in his books details that the narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) - that he would rather "control", "master", or "direct" the potentially destabilizing situation - than confront its effects if initiated by the significant other. Remember: the personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization mentally even though they may be functionally organized and organize everything in your life to suit them. It is precariously balanced but as long as they can dominate they don't have to worry about organizing the level of personal involvement. They are free to do their own thing .

Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. BUT, if the narcissist initiated his abandonment, if HE directed the scenes, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set to himself to achieve - he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences. 

The Dynamics of the Relationship

The Narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, incomparable (imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the "Grandiosity Gap" - the abyss between his sense of entitlement and his inflated grandiose fantasies - and his incommensurate reality and achievements.

The narcissist's partner is perceived by him to be a source of narcissistic supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable that - blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist - such a tool would malfunction. The needs of the partner are perceived by the narcissist as THREATS and INSULTS. He considers his very existence as sufficiently nourishing and sustaining to his partner. He feels entitled to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining relationships or in catering to the well being of his "suppliers". To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather justified) guilt and shame - he pathologizes the partner. He projects sickness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of projective identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the sick" or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the dumb" or "the no good". What he denies in himself, what he is terrified of facing in his own personality - he attributes to others and moulds them to conform to his prejudices against himself.

The Narcissist MUST have THE best of everything he covets, the MOST glamorous, stunning, talented, head turning, mind boggling spouse in the WORLD. Nothing short of this fantasy will do. He will mold you into his perfection or you will be sorry for not conforming! To compensate for the shortcomings of his real life spouse - he invents an idealized figure and relates to it instead. Then, when reality conflicts too often and too roughly with the ideal figure - he reverts to devaluation. His behavior turns on a dime and becomes threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding, destructively critical and sadistic - or cold, unloving, detached, "clinical". He punishes his real life spouse for not living up to his standards as personified in his Galathea, in his Pygmalion, in his ideal creation. The Narcissist plays a wrathful and demanding God.

Moving On

To preserve one's mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on. Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, we have to acknowledge and accept reality. It is a volcanic, shattering, agonizing series of little, nibbling, thoughts and strong, voluptuous resistances. The battle won, harsh and painful realities assimilated, we can move on to the learning phase.

We label. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights. Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, support t and confidence - we leave to face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterizes those who do not mourn - but fight; do not grieve - but replenish their self esteem; do not hide - but seek; do not freeze - but move on.

Grieving

After being betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser - the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again - and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse?

The emotional process of grieving is multiphased. At first, we are dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to pity but never return to a demeaning monster. And this is called healing.

ALL stages are absolutely necessary and good. It is bad NOT to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally as bad to stay like this forever. Permanent grieving is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly and defiantly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, minimizing him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.

Forgiving and Forgetting

Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But, to my mind, it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. I think it is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you. In general, it is unwise and counter-productive, in my view, to establish "universal" and "immutable" principles in life. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid principles. Sentences, which start with "I never" are either not very credible or, worse, they lead to self-defeating, self- restricting and self-destructive behaviours.

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out willingly - but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity inasmuch as through care and love that we grow.

Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even marriages periodically. The past is insufficient in itself to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and compassionate relationship. It is a good pre-condition, perhaps a necessary one - but not a sufficient one. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

Remaining Friends with the Narcissist(IMPORTANT)

But can't we act civilized and remain on friendly terms with our narcissist ex? Never forget that Narcissists (full fledged ones) are nice to others if: 

(1) They want something - narcissistic supply, help, support, votes,  money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you and then come out with the "small favour" they need or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply ("what did you think about my performance..." "do you think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").

(2) They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.

(3) They have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle, a mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self-contented infatuation with his False Self.

This beneficence is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to "thank God for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with the terrorists rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for a while.

Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to their needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they have been conditioned. It is only with narcissists that they feel alive, stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the presence of a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his absence.

I see nothing inherently "wrong" with that if you can handle the heat and understand you will always be undervalued and unloved. The test is this: If a person were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using Archaic Chinese - would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Some people have been conditioned by the narcissistic primary objects in their lives (parents or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic Chinese, to turn a deaf ear. This technique is effective in that it allows the "inverted narcissist" (the narcissist's willing mate) to experience only the good aspects of living with a narcissist: his sparkling intelligence, the constant drama and excitement, his lack of intimacy and emotional attachment (some people prefer this). Every now and then the narcissist breaks into abusive Archaic Chinese, so what, who understands Archaic Chinese anyway?

I have only one nagging doubt, though:

If so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists so unhappy, so ego-dystonic, so in need of help (professional or otherwise)? Aren't they victims who simply experience the Stockholm Syndrome (=identifying with the kidnapper rather than with the Police)?

Narcissists and Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as codependents and Borderlines are. BUT Their solution is different.

Codependents cling. Borderlines are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned. Narcissists FACILITATE the abandonment. They subconsciously MAKE SURE that they are abandoned and then they can blame their victim for the failure of the relationship-besides they are basically perfect and they believe they are in complete control of their own mind and will!

This way they secure the achievement of two goals:

(1) Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.

(2) By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. It is always someone else's fault!

Why the Failing Relationships?

Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness in their victims - in short, they hate life itself. The roots of this bizarre propensity can be traced to a few psychological dynamics, which operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a narcissist):

First, there is pathological envy.

The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location...

Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing, which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation.

Then there is narcissistic hurt.

The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with a reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or initiative.

The narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

Though he is the chronically depressed partner, "You are constantly draining me. I do all the work in this relationship." is a common sentence. The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. If the Narcissistic decides to show any pity for his victim, it is usually an under-handed  slap in the face type of comment.  "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Even though he perpetrated the wrong-he takes no blame. Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well, ah? That is because you are not in step with me, you are never satisfied, you lag behind complaining all the time about one little thing I do wrong."  "You would be happier if you just trust me more."

Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control. The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

I thought I had done this when I wrote this, but I guess it was somehow left off. At any rate almost all of the above is by Dr. Sam Vaknim. Please look at the following url and listen to Sam talk about how to spot a Narcissist?
https://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin

See you next blog,

Ted

ABUSE AND DIVORCE...Guiding principles to starting a better life!

So many clergy are cowards when it comes to defending the woman in an abusive relationship. They either refuse to get between an abusive husband and his wife, or they try to take the "high road" and counsel the wife to take it all in stride and just continue her Christ-like conduct while being devastated by a FOOL! They admonish him to conduct himself in a more Christ-like manner-geez that lasts until he gets angry or doesn't get sex when he wants it!

This article is by Del Hungerford, and probably one of the most scholarly works I have seen when it comes to dealing with an abusive spouse.

So many people ask about divorce and abuse: Can a woman Biblically divorce her abuser? This seems to be the main “tripping over” point for many Christian women who are (or have been) in abusive relationships. I think in order to answer this question satisfactorily, it’s important to look at HOW God views our behavior and the results (consequences) of that behavior. 

NOTE: Keep in mind that no matter what is said here, there will be clergy, fellow church members, deacons, bishops, other church leaders, etc. that will tell you divorce is only an option when one partner commits adulterous acts. They might even ostracize you “in the name of the Lord” because they feel obligated scripturally to do so. However, that kind of behavior is very un-Christ-like. Jesus ministered to the woman at the well who had been married several times (John 4:1-30). He didn't judge her or treat her poorly. Why should your fellow believer treat you any different than Jesus did with this woman? Ask God to show YOU answers through scripture concerning your situation. The reason we are given a brain, a free will, and the ability to read His word, is to think for ourselves and not simply swallow a doctrine. We are told to compare what’s said to us with the light of His Word. That, my friend, requires us doing our homework. 

As you read what I present below, you’ll need to read the scriptures, then, do your own word study. I’ve given you a place to start and trust that God will show you the correct answer for YOU! As you can tell, the issue of divorce is not an easy one. In addition to reading, I would talk with divorced women (and/or men) who ARE prospering and doing well. That, too, might help you. The proof of God’s blessings are demonstrated in people who are walking with Him. You probably know several divorced and remarried people who are being blessed by God.

This article will cover the topics listed below. You can read from top to bottom or click on any of the points and you’ll be directed to that part of the article. Happy reading!

Topics of discussion: 

1. Sin and its consequences
2. What the unrighteous/sinful get to inherit
3. How abusive behavior is categorized
4. Marriage and how it relates to the “bride of Christ”
5. What is a covenant and what happens when it’s broken?
6. Tying it all together

Sin and its consequences:

The Bible clearly states that “the wages of sin is death…” (Romans 6:23). In this particular scripture, it continues to say “but the free gift of God is eternal life.” For the second part, we as Christians are all grateful. However, we often overlook the first part because we believe, and are told in scripture that our sins will be forgiven us (James 5:15, I John 2:12). We must always remember that it doesn’t give us license to continue sinning (missing the mark).

When reading the scriptures on sin and what not to do, the apostles are talking to Christians. Their letters that appear in the New Testament are written to the churches in those particular regions. There would be no reason to discuss sin and its consequences unless Christians of the day were not struggling with sinful acts. The Christians of the 21st century are dealing with the same issues some 2,000 years later. As long as mankind is still on a mission to serve itself, we will deal with sinful acts; Christians or not.

So, what are the consequences of sin? According to 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NIV), we are told in the last days that people will be “lovers of money, boastful, lovers of themselves, ungrateful, unholy, without love, disobedient to parents, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of good…” After listing all these sinful behaviors, it then states, “Have nothing to do with them.” The KJV says “from such turn away.” It’s made very clear here that people with these kinds of behaviors should be avoided. A man who is an abuser of his wife and/or children often exhibits every one of the behaviors on this list (even if only at home). If he refuses to change, then we are to “have nothing to do with him.”

In the first book of Timothy, chapter 3, the qualifications of deacon and bishop are presented. In these verses, in order to be in a position of authority, a man must NOT be: a contentious or quarrelsome person, lover of money, double-tongued (saying conflicting things to people), self-willed, angry, and/or a brawler. Timothy also states that a leader must be a protector or guardian over his family (often seen as the word “ruler” in many passages), blameless, and a steward of God. Now, in order to be considered a church leader, one had to be a Christian. So, why would Timothy say this to a church if those being considered for leadership positions didn’t struggle with these kinds of issues? As we’d say today, these types of positions should “separate the men from the boys.” To put it bluntly, men who don’t know how to treat their wives and children are boys who haven’t grown up yet. This scripture clearly shows that in order to be a church leader, a man must be mature. Abusive men aren’t mature.

The consequences of the above listed sins are… that one who doesn’t have control in these areas of his life, cannot be a leader in the church. A man who is an abuser (physically, emotionally, or verbally) of his wife and/or children should be removed from a position of leadership. In 1 Peter 3:7, it says that if a man doesn’t treat his wife well, his prayers will be hindered. With this being the case, why would any pastor want a man in leadership whose prayers are falling flat on the floor? This is not in the best interest of any church. Until the man has control of himself, his position of leadership is hurting his church rather than helping it.

Secret sin is another story all together. Since many abusers believe that no one is aware of their behavior, they are in deception. What does the Bible say about such people? Numbers 32:23 says that your sin will be sure to found out. Psalms 90:8 says that our secret sins are in the light of God’s presence. Proverbs 28:13 (NIV) states “He who conceals his sin does not prosper.” In Luke 12:2 (NIV), Jesus says concerning the yeast of the Pharisees that “there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.” So, those that think they are getting away with sin aren’t. They will eventually be found out. A question to ponder; why would a man treat others well and his wife abusively without knowing there’s a problem with that kind of thinking? It would seem that he knows the abuse is wrong, otherwise, he’d treat everyone the same.

What the unrighteous/sinful get to inherit

The word “unrighteous” has three different Hebrew words throughout the Bible. In the Old Testament, the words aven, avval, and chamac, are all used to describe what unrighteousness is. They all mean trouble, wicked, and unjust. “Chamac” actually goes a step further and describes unrighteous as someone who is violent, wrong, and cruel. In the New Testament, the word “adikos” means “one who deals fraudulently with others and is deceitful.” (Strong’s Concordance)

1 Corinthian’s 6:9-10 (NIV) describes the unrighteous by saying, “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither the sexually immoral no idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God…” The next section goes on to say that when these behaviors are changed, a person can inherit the Kingdom of God. NOTE… a behavior change is required. It won’t simply be lip service. The proof will be seen in the actions because God knows man’s heart. It’s what’s in the heart that will determine the blessings and prosperity of God.

Jesus says in Mark 7:21-22 (NIV) that “What comes out of a man is what makes him unclean. For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man unclean.” Based on this verse, our sin makes us unclean. In addition, we reap what we sow, according to Galatians 6:7-8. The NIV says those who continue in sin will reap destruction. Hebrews 9:27, James 1:5, and Romans 7:11 tell us that sin leads to death. In this case, it’s talking about spiritual death.

In 1 John 2:11 (NIV), it says “whoever hates his brother is in darkness and walks around in darkness; he does not know where he’s going, because the darkness has blinded him.” The word brother in the passage is “adelphos” which according to Strong’s is “a fellow believer, united to one another by the bond of affection.” In one commentary that I saw on-line, it said of this verse that it’s sad when the “fellow believer” is a parent, sibling or spouse. An “adelphos” could very easily be a wife or husband.

Also see 1 Corinthians 5:11, 2 Thessalonians 3:6, 1 John 3:15, and 1 John 4:20 for additional references concerning the use of “brother” in light of when someone has mistreated a “brother” in Christ. In some of these verses, it likens a “brother hater” to a murderer. In each instance, the person who hates his brother is to not be associated with. They are to be cut off from fellowship. Hate here comes from the Greek “miseo” meaning to hate, detest, pursue with hatred or to be hated or detested. A wife of an abuser rarely feels loved. The opposite of love is hate. She often feels detested because she can do nothing right. Therefore, an abuser “shows” hate towards his wife.

A man who mistreats his family is walking in darkness and spiritual death. His sin has blinded him. He won’t be prosperous and he won’t inherit the Kingdom of God unless he sees the error of his way and repents. Is this something a Christian wife wants? If not, it’s time to get help.

As a recap of this section, we see that sinful behavior (which is unrighteousness) leads to spiritual death, blinds us spiritually, keeps us from prospering, and will ultimately lead to not inheriting the kingdom of God if we continue in our sinful ways. In addition, everything we do will fall under a version of “reaping and sowing.” If we sow hate, we’ll reap it. If we sow love, we’ll reap it. Poor behavior, including treating our “brother” poorly, will cut us off from communion with God. This is to only mention the spiritual consequences. We’ve not even touched upon the ramifications of poor behavior in the “natural world.” However, there are many, as the Bible also provides example after example where people “reaped what they sowed.”

It’s important to note in this section that there IS a way out. It’s called “repentance.” In order to repent, a person must first acknowledge their error and then begin the process of changing that error. Yes, the actual sins can be repented of immediately but walking out the actual change requires a character renewal and paradigm shift. That, my friend, will NOT happen overnight. The Bible is very clear on how the process of repentance is dealt with. First, one brother goes to the “offender.” If he doesn’t listen, take two people, and so on. If in the end there’s still no repentance, then that person is to be cut off from fellowship. At any time there’s repentance, the “offender” can be brought back into the “flock.”

How abusive behavior is categorized

After reading what sin does to us, it should be easy to see that the consequences of continual “missing the mark” will result in producing after its own kind. Read again the abusive behaviors on this web site. You should begin to see a pattern in which all of these behaviors fit into a sinful category described in the Bible. Abusive behavior is all sinful and leads to being cut off from God, living and walking in darkness, spiritual death, and reaping all kinds of bad stuff. This being the case, if the abuser has a complete heart change and repents (literally meaning to “turn 180 degrees and go another direction), forgiveness of his sin is granted by God. However, if you remember the story of David and Bathsheba, Nathan goes to David in 2 Samuel, chapter 12, and tells David that he has sinned. David repents but there are still consequences in the natural. Nathan outlines what those consequences are, which do happen. This includes losing the first child of Bathsheba.

To sum it up, all abusive behavior is sin. Unwillingness to change that behavior will ultimately lead to destruction of all kinds (spiritual first followed by natural consequences).


Marriage and how it relates to the “bride of Christ.”

There are two theories of who the bride of Christ is. The most subscribed to is that a marriage between a man and a woman represents a “type and shadow” of our relationship with Christ. Since the Bible talks mostly through symbolic language, it would only seem natural that God would use something we are so familiar with to describe our relationship with Him. Marriage is the most intimate relationship that we know of. Our relationship with Christ is to be on the same level of love, respect, friendship, etc. that is between a husband and wife. Do NOT trip over the word "submit" in the passage below. View this often mis-quoted scripture through the eyes of our Lord who speaks to us through symbolic language. How does it relate to the verses around it? What's the overall context? Where do you see the symbolism?

Ephesians 5:15-32 (Paul speaking to the church)“See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is. And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit; Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit [yeild to his admonition or advice] yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.”Paul speaks to the church in 2 Corinthians 11:1-3 saying, “Would to God ye could bear with me a little in my folly: and indeed bear with me. For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.”

In realizing that a marriage is to represent our relationship as the bride of Christ, it would only seem right that the “husband” (Christ) love his “wife” (the body of Christ, or church) and give himself up for her. In an earthly marriage, the husband loves his wife first. That love then leads to voluntary submission on her part; just like our relationship with Christ. If Christ loved us the same way an abuser does his own wife, most of us would high tail it out of that relationship! Who would want a God who treated us like that?

In Colossians 3:19, the husband is told to love his wife (agape love in the same way Christ loves us) and to not be bitter toward her. The definition of bitter comes from the Greek word “pikraino” meaning to make bitter, exasperate, render angry, indignant, or irritated. An abusive husband is all of this and more to his wife. What an example of a man who calls himself a Christian!

In summary of this section, Google “bride of Christ” for many articles and sites on how a human marriage relates to the marriage between Christ and his bride (the church). Look at how Christ loves us. Then, ponder the fact that Christ is a husband’s example on how to treat his wife. When he doesn’t love (agape) his wife, he’s not representing a Godly nature. He’s in sin and will suffer the consequences of that sin. The sad part is that his family will also suffer because of his sin. His prayers will be hindered, he’ll eventually reap what he’s sowing, and God is no longer blessing his marriage.

What is a covenant and what happens when it’s broken?

A covenant in the Bible comes from the Hebrew word “beriyth” meaning an alliance or pledge between two parties (God and man, man and friend, husband and wife, etc.). In the New Testament, the word is interchangeable between “covenant” and “testament.” The Greek word for both is “diatheke” which means “a disposition, arrangement of any sort which one wishes to be valid; the last disposition which one makes of his earthly possessions after his death, a testament, a will.”

The most obvious covenants we see in the Bible are that with Abraham (Genesis 17), Moses (Exodus 3), David (2 Samuel 7), and Solomon (1 Kings 11). Although there are many more, these are the most read about. They are covenants between God and His people, the Israelites. When Jesus came, he brought a “New Testament” or new “covenant” that fulfilled or “updated” the old covenant. The blood sacrifice of animals used to remind the Israelites of God’s covenant was substituted with the blood of Jesus in the new covenant. There are many Bible studies on the covenant between man and God. They can give you a more in depth view on how a Biblical covenant works.

How does this relate to marriage? In Jeremiah 31:31-34, God talks about his covenant with Israel saying he would be their “husband.” Part of the definition of the word “covenant” says that it’s an agreement between a man and a wife. Does God put heavy emphasis on this covenant? The answer is, yes!

The scripture so often quoted by those who say Christian’s shouldn’t get divorced (Malachi 2:14) also talks about God’s covenant and WHY he said that to his people. Let’s look at it a little closer. Malachi is rebuking the people for their unfaithfulness… “Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another? Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord cut him off from the tents of Jacob – even though he brings offerings to the Lord Almighty. Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel, and ‘I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith.” (Malachi 2: 10-16 NIV)

Malachi is telling the people that a marriage is a covenant that’s witnessed by God. The people were wailing and crying because nothing was going right for them. They weren’t being blessed any longer and as any one of us would be if nothing was going right; very frustrating! They went to the prophet of the time, Malachi. I’m sure what he said to them didn’t go over too well. In reading this passage, it’s obvious that God hates divorce. In addition, he didn’t like the way the men were treating their wives. This was a time in history where a man would “put away” his wife if he was tired of her. In addition, at the end of the section of this chapter, it appears that men were “covering themselves with violence.” It sounds like the men of Judah had a problem with knowing how to treat their wives. They broke the marriage covenant and reaped not having prayers answered and no blessings were being bestowed on them.

Basically, a covenant between a man and woman is meant to last a life-time. However, when men (or women) break their part of the covenant, all hell breaks loose. Blessings are lost, prayers aren’t answered, and bad things start to happen. The covenant is meant to be restored. However, in the event that the one who broke the covenant refuses to repent, the covenant stays broken. God broke his covenant with Israel more than one time because of their sin. WHEN they repented, he renewed the covenant. If an abusive husband is un-repentant, the covenant cannot be restored. HE must take the necessary actions to restore his part of the covenant. HE will be held responsible. Of course, if the roles were reversed and the wife is the abuser (which does happen) or she’s the adulterous one in the relationship, the breaking of the covenant will be on her head.

Tying it all together

First of all, God considers the marriage covenant a serious commitment. When that covenant is broken, it’s a VERY devastating thing to the family! So, for those men who are abusers of their wives, this is how God views your act…  

1. Sin has consequences, both spiritual and natural. Continual and habitual sin will keep a person from receiving various spiritual rewards.
2. The unrighteous (and sinful) will not inherit the Kingdom of God, unless they repent. This includes Christians who are engaging in unrighteous acts.
3. All abusive behavior is sin and cuts the abuser off of all blessings from God. He will not prosper, his prayers will be hindered, he will reap what he sows, and he is as a murderer in God’s eyes.  
4. The marriage between a man and a woman is a “type and shadow” of the bride (church) being married to Christ (groom). The husband is to love (agape) the wife as Christ loved the church. 
5. A covenant is meant to be life-long but when broken by one party, blessings and prayers are withheld.

In looking at all of this in light of an abusive marriage, a Christian man who is abusive to his wife has broken the marriage covenant. In addition, his prayers will be hindered and he won’t be walking in the blessings of God. It may not appear that way but sometimes it takes a while for things in the natural (in the world) to catch up to those in the spiritual realm. If the man is in a leadership position in his church, he’s hurting the entire church because of his sin. In addition, because the man is told to treat his wife the same way Christ does the church and he doesn’t, his entire family suffers because of his wrongful acts. Not only has he broken a covenant, but he’s walking in deception. If his sin is “hidden” from the community, it’s only a matter of time before it comes out into the open. Women should not feel bad about praying that his “hidden sin be revealed.” It’s scriptural. God has very clever ways of making this happen without the wife being involved. If you read my book “…But Words will Never Hurt Me,” you’ll see this in action. I never had to say anything. I trusted God to do it, and he did!

When a man is confronted with his abuse, he has two options; to deny it or to repent. Denial will usually come first. However, a true man of God will eventually see his error and should be able to at least work on changing. That change starts with a truly contrite heart that admits his terrible sins against his covenant partner to all involved! He may not be able to if he’s unwilling to deal with what made him an abuser.  In the case of prolonged emotional abuse, or the THREAT of physical danger by the offending spouse is presented,  immediate separation is in order until the spouse is able to prove he has truly changed. There IS help and people will pick a woman (and children) up and take them to a shelter if need be. If a woman has the backing of her church, the leadership should go to the husband and confront the sin and if need be move him outside of the church in the case of unrepentance. Once that’s done, the ball is in his court.

Counseling is a must with an abuse specialist for both husband and wife (separate at first as it will rarely be effective as a couple.) Most clergy are not trained to deal with abuse. However, you can choose to have the abuse counselor work with church leaders. The couple should NOT get back together until the COUNSELOR (not the pastor) has deemed it safe. This will often take at least a year, if not more, depending on the severity of the situation. Emotional and verbal abuse (with no physical abuse present) may take longer because it’s harder to identify and then correct. Many times, the issues are much more deeply rooted than it appears.

A repentant abuser will need to walk out the results of his sin against his wife. This may come in the form of lack of trust for quite some time. It may affect his children’s behavior for quite some time. Either way, there will be some natural consequences. He must be willing to work through knowing the road to healing for his whole family will not be quick. He cannot expect to be trusted by clergy or family until he’s demonstrated a paradigm shift and behavior change. He must go through counseling and then show that he’s had a complete change of character. This should happen before the couple is allowed back together. Wise pastoral staff will rely heavily on the expertise of trained counselors in making sure the couple doesn’t get back together too soon. This cannot be stressed enough! For proof of this, be sure to read the article “A Case Study” on this web site where my teacher friend lost her life to an abusive husband because the pastoral staff allowed them back together too soon.

A woman, I believe, can make the decision to divorce once it’s determined that her abuser is unwilling to change or tries to manipulate his victim into continuing in the relationship. This decision may be made for her, as it was in my case. opportunity should be given for the abuser to change. In reality, it won’t take too long for this to be revealed. An unrepentant abusive husband isn’t willing to get pastoral counseling, abuse counseling, or work on “his” problems for very long. For this kind of man, the wife is generally blamed for the marriage problems.

When one partner breaks the covenant and refuses to live by the guidelines set for a Biblical marriage covenant, there’s nothing the other partner can do. Plain and simple… when a man cannot treat his wife in the manner that Christ does with the church, his marriage will not be good. He nor the church can demand submission from the wife just like Christ can’t demand submission from us. If this is what the husband expects, he needs a reality check about the Biblical principles on marriage. In addition, as stated in other articles on this web site, if the church that the couple is attending believes the wife is to submit to the husband in everything, the points discussed in this article will be meaningless to church leaders. Go outside the church to trained counselors for help. It may cost a woman her church family but God will direct her where to go. All she needs to do is ask Him. He’s faithful to respond to the pleas of His people.
Blessing to you,
Del

See you next blog;
Ted

Like It or Not Marriage Covenants Are Conditional (NOT Unconditional)

Like It or Not Marriage Covenants Are Conditional (NOT Unconditional)

There is a errant-unbiblical teaching that has been taught in male-centered, male priviledged churches  that attempts to state that the marriage vows are FOREVER UNBREAKABLE in God's eyes!  Such teaching allows ungodly men to LORD over their wives in oppressive ways with their covenant partner.  A Marriage Covenant, Marriage Vows, a Marriage Agreement and a Covenant Marriage are all conditional! First let me assure Christian man and woman that there is no such thing as an "unconditional" marriage covenant. Although these male dominant churches misuse scriptures from Bible to convince and condemn their marriage partner to remain in an unhealthy, unholy relationship that is purportedly stated as, "you made your bed now lie in it." In fact the Bible does not say that all. We must understand God's view of covenants and how they relate to believers and non-believers. The very terms: marriage agreement, marriage vows and marriage covenant all mean they are conditional. That is what a vow, covenant or an agreement is: a union based upon conditions.

By: Pastor Stephen Goala, additional information used by permission of Dr. Katherine Bushnell, Women's Christian Fellowship and Dr.  Susan Hyatt, Int’l Christian Women’s Hall of Fame & History Project, 
(Fuller Theological Seminary, Teen Challenge Ministries, and  Women's Christian Fellowship)


What is a Covenant?
The word "covenant" is defined as "a compact" which is an agreement between two or more parties. In our case, we mean a marriage covenant. Within the very meaning of the name "covenant" lies the essential fact that there are conditions to a covenant. A "covenant" is made up of conditions (terms of agreement) which each party has agreed to uphold, otherwise, there is no covenant. Covenants are legal documents or verbal agreements whereby oaths of faithfulness are expressed between two or more parties. A covenant carries legal authority in which all parties are constrained (obligated) by the conditions of the covenant. It is always conditional upon each of the parties involved to fulfill their part of the covenant. There is no such thing as an "unconditional" covenant. "Unconditional" means no conditions or that anything goes. This in itself would negate the very use of the word covenant. However, there is such a thing as a conditional covenant becoming a "permanent" covenant after all of the conditions of the covenant have been fulfilled.

Establishing a covenant is different than fulfilling a covenant. Establishing a covenant is the successful agreement of the parties involved regarding the terms and conditions of the covenant. Fulfilling the covenant is the actual carrying-out of that agreement.

Because a covenant depends upon each party fulfilling their agreed-upon part, it carries the legal authority that conditions must be met by all parties or the covenant is broken.When a covenant is broken without seeking remedy for reconciliation and restitution or both, the covenant obligations cease and the agreement is terminated. In the case of the marriage covenant when there is a divorce, there is actually an additional covenant which comes into play resulting from the children who are born within the marriage covenant. This additional covenant (the covenant between the children and the parents), continues despite the ended marriage covenant.

God Makes Conditional Covenants
Unconditional marriage covenants did not start with God, but with man by His church teaching (tradition) that a marriage covenant is indissolvable. Even when God first created man in the Garden of Eden, He made a conditional covenant with them. To enable the man and woman to prove their love to Him, God put a tree in the midst of the Garden called: The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. God's only command to them was for them not to eat of this specific tree. Everything else in the world was theirs; otherwise, they would start dying both spiritually and physically. This was their proof of loyalty and love to God because of the awesome responsibility and authority He had given them over the entire universe. You cannot have true love unless you have the option not to love.

Jesus said, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments." The keeping of the commandments (the conditions) of the covenant is the way we show God that we love Him. Without the keeping of the commandments of the covenant, there is NO display of commitment (love) to God. We have broken covenant! His justice requires us to e ither make restitution and/or reconciliation or else we break our relationship totally with God.

God only operates upon truth. Therefore, if it appears that God is not doing His part in our life it is because WE are not fulfilling our part of the covenant. Covenants are conditional.

One of the conditional covenants that God made is one that almost everyone in the world is familiar with, the covenant with the condition of circumcision. In Genesis 17:10, 14 the Lord said to Abraham, "This is My covenant which you shall keep, between Me and you and your descendants after you: Every male child among you shall be circumcised."Then in verse 14 the Lord gave Abraham the penalty for not fulfilling the condition of the covenant: "And the uncircumcised male child, WHO IS NOT CIRCUMCISED in the flesh of his foreskin, that person SHALL BE CUT OFF from his people; HE HAS BROKEN MY COVENANT."

Another example of God's covenants is the one He made with Israel: "Now therefore, IF you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, THEN you shall be a special treasure to Me above all people; for all the earth is Mine" (Exodus 19:5). When a covenant has to do with man, a covenant is always conditional if it is to be a covenant. God does not make unconditional or unbreakable covenants with fallible sinful man. However, He does turn a conditional covenant into a permanent covenant when all of the conditions of the covenant have been met. This can be seen in the case of the covenant God made with Abraham. The covenant was actually made with Abraham's Seed to come, Jesus. After Jesus fulfilled all the righteous requirements of the covenant (which included living a sinless life, taking the penalty for man's sins upon Himself in hell, and being rightfully raised from the dead forever incorruptible), God turned it into a permanent covenant. (See Galatians 3:16 and Hebrews 1:8-9).

Because God knows our sinfulness, He does not make unconditional or unbreakable covenants with man. Even our eternal salvation depends upon us accepting and believing by faith in the grace of God and the finished work at the cross-we must believe! That is a condition of His covenant to remain eternally secure in Him. Therefore, who are we as sinful man, to even consider that the covenants we make with each other (in this case, marriage), are indissoluble or unbreakable because of unsurpassing violations by the other party? Covenants are conditional; that is why they are called "covenants" because they contain provisions to protect the party of the agreement who do not violate the covenant.


Marriage Covenants


Unconditional, Defined
The very word "unconditional" means without conditions. In other words, it does not matter how many violations of the marriage covenant that a partner makes, the covenant is still intact. The word "unconditional" is a contradiction of the word "covenant." If a marriage covenant did not have conditions it would be like saying that one partner can abuse the other, or a spouse can have sex or play around with anyone outside of the marriage and always feel welcomed back into a safe, secure and happy relationship. This is too ridicules to even consider! Nevertheless, this is exactly what has been taught by the church in saying that a marriage is indissolvable! Because it has been taught as truth that "God hates divorce," it is implied that marriage covenants are unconditional and unbreakable and that NO violations of the terms of agreement will affect the covenant because there are NO conditions! To imply that a marriage covenant has no conditions is a corruption of the marriage institution itself! Whenever the conditions of the covenant have been violated, broken or not met, there is a breech of contractand the covenant agreement was not fulfilled as agreed upon. Therefore, restitution, reconciliation and/or dissolving of the marriage covenant is sought. Covenants always stand upon the foundation of justice, truth and love rooted in morality.


Marriage covenants Sacred? YES! Permanent? No!
Only in two places in Scripture is marriage defined as permanent and indissoluble  They are in Deuteronomy 22:13-30 where God has actually REMOVED the right to divorce; not allowing the violating spouse to dissolve the marriage covenant. This means that when needed, the right to divorce (the dissolving of the marriage covenant) has always been there. In these cases that right was abused, so God revoked it for the sake of the woman.

The first instance was when the husband claimed that his new wife was not a virgin, when in fact, she was proved to be so. Because the husband brought a bad name upon her, "...He cannot divorce her all his days" (Deuteronomy 22:19). The other case was when a man had sex with a virgin single woman. He must pay support money (the dowry of a bride) to her family, and by having sex with her he has taken her as his wife and "...[Was not] permitted to divorce her all his days" (Deuteronomy 22:29). But "if her father utterly refuses to give her to him [the marriage would be cancelled and father and daughter would keep the dowry]" (Exodus 22:16).

These are the only two cases where the covenant of marriage was NOT allowed to be dissolved. God removed the man's rights to dissolve the marriage in this case because he violated the woman without marrying her which was a greater violation. God forbad it to protect the woman so she would always be supported during her life. However, the wife still had the right to divorce her husband even though her husband could not divorce his wife. The right to divorce has always existed in the case of a marriage covenant being violated; however, in these cases, that right was lost. Thus, God recognizes that covenants are conditional.


Vows: Conditions of the Marriage Covenant
The vows of a marriage are the conditions of the covenant set forth before the marriage takes place. The marriage ceremony is the "place of agreement" where each partner takes a solemn oath to uphold the terms and conditions of the marriage covenant to which both parties have agreed. The "living together in a marriage union" is the environment in which the agreed-upon conditions of the covenant is carried out by both parties. Marriage IS a lifetime commitment; however, it is not a lifetime commitment without conditions. The ability to keep one’s promise to “love” (keeping the marriage vows) is rooted in godly character. (See articles on The Extreme Significance of The Fruit of The Spirit and God's ("Unconditional") Love: It's Moral Its Conditional.

Because the marriage covenant has been taught to be unconditional and unbreakable, it is powerfully inferred that there is no violation that can qualify for the covenant to be dissolved except in several far-reaching cases. Vows have come to mean nothing.

Let me give an example of an unconditional one-sided covenant agreement. It is your wedding day and you exchange vows with your beloved. The man says, "I take my wife, to have as I wish and to abuse if she does not listen, to meet all my needs, to hurt her as often as I desire because she is now my wife and cannot escape. I own her. I can have sex with anyone I desire and do as I please in complete disregard to her feelings." The wife says, "I take my dear husband to have and to hold, to cherish and to love, in sickness and disease, for better and for worse, always seeking ways to strengthen and grow our relationship till death do us part." NOBODY would ever consider such a vow; however, this is exactly what is taking place when the conditions of the marriage covenant are taught as being unconditional.


Covenant is Relationship
Covenant is relationship! "Relationship" in its very definition carries the fact that there is mutual caring and moral obligations between each party, and the fulfilling of needs within each other. Simply because there is a relationship, they are in covenant.

Covenants are protected by the covenant partners. This results in a covenant that has conditions and can be violated. The covenant partners are to protect their covenant from those outside the covenant, namely, those who have not been invited to be a part of their relationship. In the case of marriage, it would be any person outside the marriage because that person does not have exclusive rights to sharing the depths of each others emotions, bodily contact and sexual enjoyment.



How the Devil Used the Errors of the Marriage Covenant Being "Unconditional"
First of all let me tell you that abuse, whether emotional or physical is a "a covenant breaker." The devil was able to spin a web of lies and deceit which drove couples away from the original marriage covenant because of the errors taught by God's church. Of course the church did not decide to teach error; rather, the truth has been lost through time.

Let me explain: Many of the truths of marriage, divorce, remarriage, submission and covenant have been lost through time, it gave the devil a powerful opportunity to actually use the errors that are being taught as truth within the church to enslave many of God's people in bad marriages. His church, the very people of God, who have been given the awesome responsibility to uphold these truths have become the very taskmasters enslaving God's people by ignorantly upholding the devil's agenda.

Somewhere down through history some well-intended translators of the Bible have adopted these errors as truth. I believe some were done purposely to fit their desires, but most were probably through ignorance. Because the famous Scripture of Malachi 2:16 has been translated and taught as "God hates divorce" instead of its real meaning of "God hates a separation (to marry another person without decree of divorced first)," the devil was able to convince us that marriage covenants are unconditional. If he could get the church to believe that marriage covenants are unconditional, he could use the church itself as a prison camp to enslave God's people thereby disabling them from fulfilling the calling of God on their lives because of fear, guilt and shame. Sadly, he has accomplished his mission, to a great extent because of the devastation and ruin it has brought to many marriages that were not wrought in prayerful consideration. That does not mean we have free reign to decide because of some bumps in the road of a godly marriage we can run roughshod over the sacredness of marriage.  If you are in a covenant relationship with a man or a woman who truly loves the Lord and demonstrates that love in tangible ways that meet the conditions of fruit of the Spirit...think twice about the terrible repercussions of divorce. While it is true that dark and light cannot walk in agreement, a godly man or woman is teachable by the Holy Spirit, but it takes two loving covenant partners moving in unison, where true demonstrable repentance is offered and guided by the Holy Spirit to make that marriage work. "...By their fruits ye shall know them."

The devil was also able to tie together the wrong translation and teachings of "God hates divorce" to the church teaching that there are no valid claims in which one can divorce (because marriage is taught to be an unconditional covenant). This has propagated the message that the marriage vows (the conditions of the marriage covenant), are useless and invalid, thus binding the victim of the violation into an indissolvable relationship. (See For Better or For Worse.)

As sin and lukewarmness have been escalating within society and particularly the church, more and more people have been making wrong decisions regarding which mate they choose, many times resulting in going off into very bad marriages and sin. Because of the great marital problems this has created, it has caused marriage to be viewed as a failing institution.

Thus, the devil has in many ways been successful in presenting God's institution of marriage to be a failure. Not only is it a failure but the devil makes it into a prison where a person is united in an unconditional, indissolvable covenant relationship with another person who can abuse them at will and they have no way out while the church leadership is ignorantly poised as the devil’s prison wardens. Because marriage is being now presented more like a prison than as a loving relationship, many have disregarded the original marriage structure, not because they wanted to, but because they were forced to safeguard their hearts in case of relationship violations. In other words, they have enacted their own covenant-relationship safeguards because the church has taken theirs away through ignorance and deception. The church can recapture the institution of marriage and again elevate it to its proper place and thereby pulling many from the fire; however, the restoration of these lost truths by God's leadership must come first. The church must acknowledge its failure in the teaching the errors regarding marriage, divorce and remarriage. They must acknowledge failure in instructing men and women in their biblical responsibilities, and especially in the concept of men as Christ-like shepherds in the home. 

Next blog: What Does "For Better or for Worse" Mean in a Marriage?
By Pastor Stephen Gola

(All Scriptures taken from the King James Version Bible or the New King James version.)

See you next blog,
Ted