10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 ESV 

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”

The worst nightmare imaginable is for a real believer to be yoked to a pretender! They may or may not go to church, but three things you can count on: 

You will never have a daily prayer partner 

They will not be someone to read the Bible with daily

They will not be someone who encourages you daily in your walk with Christ. 

A word to the wise...THERE ARE TONS OF PRETENDERS OUT THERE-CHOOSE WISELY!

The following is a secularized version of what I believe constitutes a successful marriage from Mark and Angel Chernoff:

Marc and Angel Hack Life

http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/09/12/10-things-happy-couples-do-differently/

 

“For the two of us, home isn’t a place.  It is a person.
And we are finally home.”
―Stephanie Perkins

All intimate relationships are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and attraction, but what do happy couples do differently to keep their love thriving in the long run?

It’s important to understand that love is not just about finding the right person, it’s about working with them to create the right relationship.  Marc and I have met and worked with couples at all ends of the spectrum over the years, and we’ve found that the happiest couples, or the unhappy couples who successfully turn things around, are able to create loving, lasting relationships by doing the following:

1.  They make plenty of time for each other.

Neglect based on lack of attention damages relationships far more often than malicious abuse.  There’s nothing more vital to the bond you share with someone than simply being there for them.  Too often we underestimate the power of a thoughtful question and a listening ear that’s fully present and focused.  Although it’s a simple act, it may very well be the most powerful act of caring – one which has the potential to turn a relationship around.

When we pay attention to each other we breathe new life into each other.  With frequent attention and affection our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow stronger.  This is the side effect of a good relationship – we help heal each other’s wounds and support each other’s strengths.

Bottom line:  Stay in close touch with what’s going on in your partner’s life – communicate openly on a regular basis.  Not because it’s convenient, but because they are worth the extra effort.

2.  They don’t beat around the bush.

No matter how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to be reminded of it.  When you truly love someone, be loving in words and deeds every single day.  Don’t beat around the bush.  Be straightforward.

If you appreciate someone today, tell them.  If you adore someone today, show them.  Hearts are often confused and broken by thoughtful words left unspoken and loving deeds left undone.  There might not be a tomorrow.  Today is the day to express your love and admiration.  (Read 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.  They meet in the middle and work together.

The most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting your partner half way.  You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them.  That’s what healthy relationships are all about – teamwork.  It really is a full circle.  The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.

Anyone who helps you to make your half-hearted attempts more whole-hearted through passion, love and teamwork, is a precious friend and teacher, and thus makes a great partner.  Take the lead and BE this partner.  Make an effort to work closely with your significant other, and conquer the world together.

4.  Their actions consistently backup their claims of love.

Actions often speak much louder than words.  When you love someone you have to act accordingly.  They will be able to tell how you feel about them simply by the way you treat them over the long-term.

You can say sorry a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t.  If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere.

And remember, it’s not so much about how much you do for your loved ones as it is about the love you put into what you do for them.  Learn what matters most to them and make a habit of it.

5.  They respect each other’s humanness.

All humans are imperfect.  At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know.

And guess what?  You’re human and so is your partner.  In fact, we all are.  We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard.  We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes.

But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments.  Most of the time we’re remarkable.  So stand beside the people you love through their trying times of imperfection, and offer yourself the same courtesy; if you aren’t willing to, you don’t deserve to be around for the perfect moments either.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

6.  They focus on what they like about each other.

What you focus on grows stronger in your relationships.  When you focus on a person’s wonderful qualities, you have a wonderful relationship with them.  When you focus on a person’s not so wonderful qualities, you have a not so wonderful relationship with them.  When you focus on benefits of a situation, you get to take advantage of them.  When you focus on the drawbacks, you gain nothing but a frown.

The bottom line is that you see only what you want to see, and what you see determines the health of your relationships.  Your attitude is a little thing that makes a massive difference.  Don’t be the stubborn one who makes it a point to not see the good in your partner.

7.  There is far more between them than physical attraction.

Infatuating yourself with someone simply for what they look like on the outside is like choosing your favorite food based on color instead of taste.  It makes no sense.  It’s innate, invisible, unquantifiable characteristics that create lasting attraction.  There must be common ground in your interests and outlooks on life.

Just as some people enjoy the smell of mint, while others prefer the scent of cinnamon, there is an undeniable, magnetic draw that attracts you to the qualities of certain people, places, and things.  Sometimes it’s even the scars your soul shares with them that reels you in and creates the very hinges that hold you together in the long run.

8.  They resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.

If you’re disappointed with yourself or frustrated with your partner, the answer is not to take it out on the world around you.  Retribution, whether it’s focused on yourself or others, brings zero value into your life.  The way beyond the pain from the past is not with vengeance, mockery, bullying or retaliation, but with present love.

Forgive the past, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and love the present moment for what it’s worth.  There are plenty of beautiful things to love right now; you just have to want to see them.  Loving is never easy, especially when times are tough, yet it is easily the most powerful and positively enduring action possible.

9.  They open up to each other, especially in trying times.

Let your partner in when you’re in a dark place.  Open up to them completely.  Don’t expect them to solve your problems; just allow them to face your problems with you.  Give them permission to stand beside you.  They won’t necessarily be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter will at least show you which way the door is.

Above all, the important thing to remember is that you are not alone.  No matter how bizarre or embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, your partner is in your life and has dealt with similar emotions and wants to help you.  When you hear yourself say, “I am alone,” it’s just your insecurities trying to sell you a lie.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

10.  They are committed to growing together.

It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in.  When you connect with someone special, especially a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself.  In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.

When you honestly think about what you and your partner add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you two have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad.  No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.

Afterthoughts

The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together(that means including your partner in your trials), and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end.  And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way.

See you next blog,

Ted

Success Is Found Through God

No matter how old one is, where you live, or what you do, everyone wants their life to be successful. 

Some desire success for all the wrong reasons:

1.) To acquire more things, more fame, more power, more money than anyone else (an attitude of he who dies with the most toys wins)

2.) To draw attention to themselves and their accomplishments 

3.) To prove themselves better than someone else

However there is a right way to view success and achieve it!

Identify your passions. Before you can achieve success, you will have to define what success means to you. While it may take years to realize what you want to do with your life, identifying your passions, interests, and values will help you set goals and give your life a sense of meaning. Ask yourself the following questions:

1.) Does what I want to do or be glorify God or me?

2.) What are your subjects of interest?

3.) Does the success you want set the right example for those of your household?

4.) What do you want your legacy to be-how will it help others?

5.) How would you like to be remembered by others?

6.) Will it help your community be a better place to be?

Trust that God Wants You To Succeed If Your Values Are Aligned With His

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Success is not elusive to those who go after it with the right attitude!

The first factor is understand that our Heavenly Father desires us to live a successful life. While that may not entail riches, however it does mean that we know who we are in Him and that we trust His plans for us.

The second strongest factor in being successful is self-esteem: Believing that we can be and that we deserve to be successful is important. 

Live purposefully. In order to achieve your dreams and be the person you want to be. You will have to start paying attention to your actions. Ask yourself, is what I'm doing with my life going to lead me to where I want to be in life?

• If you find yourself constantly bored, daydreaming about the future or past or counting down the minutes until the day ends, it is probably because you feel disconnected from what you're doing, or what your doing is wasteful.
• Cherish your time. Watching a lot of television, texting all day, talking on the phone constantly with friends or family, or just daydreaming will not get you where you want to be. Just talking success doesn't get it done. Time wasted can never be regained. It comes fresh to us every second of every minute and gives up opportunity to do and be our best self.
• Remember that the concept of "wasted time" is relative. Not everything you do has to be productive in the conventional sense, but it should be engaging, enjoyable, and produce good results in us and those around us.

Psalm 84:
11For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
12O LORD of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!

See you next blog,

Ted

---

Leaving Your Abusive Spouse Can Save Your Life!

No this isn't GODLY PERMISSION to leave your spouse because you have some marital issues. ABUSE IS NOT AN ISSUE, IT IS A CRIME!

Not too long ago I read a story about a woman finally freed from an abusive situation whose denomination forbade a wife to leave her physically or emotionally abusive husband. Her name was Diana and maybe one day I will get a chance to interview her on a blog. She had been in an abusive marriage for 25 years. As a teen she had chosen an abusive boyfriend who dominated her all through high school. He was killed in Vietnam, freeing her from that monster! Even long-distance he had controlled her every movement. His brother attempted to take over the relationship, but Diana was having none of it. She married a loving man and the marriage lasted for three years. He was killed by a drunk driver one night. Devastated, she had decided marriage wasn't for her. After moving to California she somehow fell in with a cult group called the Children of God (http://www.christiananswers.net/q-aiia/aiia-top10cults.html)  run by a sexual pervert named David Berg (now deceased). Even though she was working in a very conservative environment, had been attending a Presbyterian church, and was financially stable, she left it behind to follow this very charismatic maniac and his followers. She was given a new name, had an arranged very abusive marriage physically, mentally, and sexually, and mothered a very dysfunctional family. She became so sick physically over a period of time she finally sought a physician who happened to be a real Christian. He helped her seek wise counseling and over the next three years she finally left her abusive husband. Her children, one girl and two boys, were old enough to decided where they wanted to live, opting to stay with the abusive father out of fear, but one of her sons has left to live with Diana and her new husband. "Life is finally the way I always pictured it to be. Yes there are bad days and I am still physically and mentally taxed, but I am alive. I am loved by my God and my husband and growing stronger every day. Most of all I am loving my new life."

The point of this story is this. It is not wise or your Christian duty to stay in abuse whether physical, emotional or sexual. While it is possible, though rarely probable, that you can eventually bring a loving, unbelieving spouse to salvation, you can ALMOST NEVER BRING AN ABUSER TO TRUE SALVATION! The reason is that most abusers are Malignant Narcissists and worship only themselves in reality. Many of them attend church (usually a man-centered abuse church) and are aware of scripture and use it against their spouses to guilt them into doing their bidding. Everything revolves around their wishes and wants, even though they accuse their spouses of being selfish because they want better treatment. God help you if you ever call them down for the evil they do. You will never hear the end of it, or you will be held in contempt, or worse, you will have earned a beating. While all of us have some small bit of Narcissism in us because we want to look and be our best, true Narcissism is a sickness of the mind that can rarely change. Even those who submit to counseling rarely work it through as they believe they know more than the counselor what they need...sex! Sex to a Malignant Narcissist is love. Perhaps the most tragic thing about being joined with an abuser, is that if you have children with them and remain, the children take on many of those same traits and become abusive and foolish themselves. 

It is hard for an abused person to understand they are abused after a long period of pain. They seem to accept that this is their lot in life and learn to accept the cycle of abuse as normal. However, the damage abuse inflicts is catastrophic on the human mind and body. Self-doubt and anxiety attacks are a precursor to more terribly worse symptoms of disease. Heart disease and even cancer can occur because of abuse. 

Many physicians now agree that the cancer gene resident in our DNA in most of us can be activated by emotional, sexual, or physical abuse. It is called Intimate Partner Violence, IPV, and the effects of abuse are real! The violence can be verbal, physical, or sexual.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23808669

The following article comes from the book, Beloved Unbeliever, which is originally written to women with spouses who are unbelievers. However, the principles outlined in this article, in reality, apply to every spouse in an abusive situation. So whether your spouse professes a relationship with Jesus Christ or not, please prayerfully read and consider what the author Jo Berry has to say, as it pertains to your marriage.

She begins this portion of the book by citing the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:15 explaining that letting the spouse “leave” goes beyond physically leaving the marriage. As you read the article you’ll better understand what she means by this:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.  (1 Corinthians 7:15)

Rather than demanding that an unequally yoked wife stay in a situation where she is abused, defamed, and oppressed; where she is tortured by the temptations that such mistreatment put in her path, our precious Lord gives her an option. He does this because, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust“ (Psalm 103:13-14). He understands her humanity and takes pity on her.

LEAVING IS MORE THAN WALKING OUT THE DOOR 
A Christian woman who is facing emotional or physical abuse needs to understand both the terminology and the implications in this verse, so she can act on it within the dictates of her own common sense and conscience. The word “leave,” as it is used in 1 Corinthians 7:15, means to depart or let go. While this most obviously refers to a physical separation, the concept of letting go embodies more than mere physical absence.

Since thought always precedes action, I believe we can assume that abuse and cruelty are outward manifestations reflecting a mental state of abandonment of the essence of the marriage. So, although Paul is dealing with physical separation, certainly there can also be a psychological severing, an emotional letting go, that is just as devastating and real as a mate’s actual departure.

Scripture does not deal specifically with this problem of abuse, but Christ’s attitude and certain biblical statements can help us draw conclusions about how to respond to it. The Gospels are saturated with statements about and examples of Jesus’ compassion. He was especially tender toward women and children. Think of how gently He approached the woman at the well; how respectful He was to the woman caught in adultery; how He met Mary’s needs by teaching her as she sat at His feet; how, during excruciating agony on the cross, He committed His mother to the care of His friend, John.

In the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the apostle Paul commanded husbands to “love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and to “love their own wives as their own bodies“ (Ephesians 5:28). Christ, in love, sacrificed His life for the church. This example is the antithesis of abuse.

It appears, according to scripture then, that any man that constantly mistreats and maligns his wife, who wounds her psychologically and/or physically, has “let go” and departed from the intent of his marriage vows. He has become an infidel. He may be living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with her, but if he neglects her needs and destroys her as a person by attacking her body, soul, or spirit, mentally he has left! If he is cold, cruel, and uncaring, he has already separated himself from her, even if he shares a house with her. In his sick mind, the relationship is over.

The idea of leaving, then, can legitimately include the unbelieving husband mentally and/or emotionally abandoning his wife. The final act of “leaving” may mean he will physically remove himself, but the psychological process leading up to that moment may manifest itself in ongoing abusive conduct.

The Bible says that when this happens a Christian wife is to let him leave. The Lord does not expect or want her to suffer mental or bodily harm at the hands of a husband who is supposed to sacrificially love her. God does not want her to be oppressed or incapacitated by fear. Quite the contrary, “the sister is not under bondage in such cases“ (1 Corinthians 7:15), and any woman who is physically harmed or verbally belittled, insulted, or harassed by her husband is under bondage. Any wife whose husband controls her mind and activities with threats or brutality is enslaving her.

In this same chapter, Paul reminds us, “You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men“(1 Corinthians 7:23). God did not buy an unequally yoked wife out of the slave market of sin so she could be under bondage to another human being. He purchased her with the blood of Christ and freed her so she could voluntarily become His bond-servant.

She has to draw the line if her husband consistently oppresses her, by whatever means. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate[the comparison of her love for Me, her]own father and mother and[husband] and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even[her] own life,[she] cannot be my disciple.“ She has the right and responsibility to choose freedom impossible for her to fulfill her Christian calling.

We have already seen that submission is voluntarily choosing to yield or surrender to someone. When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.

Many times women who are in this position convince themselves that they would be unsubmissive if they fled. So, instead of retreating and protecting themselves and their children (who may be scarred for life from exposure to continual abuse), they become passive; but passivity is not the same as submission. Whereas submission is voluntary, passivity is forced oppression. Whereas submission allows for individual dignity, passivity breeds self-hatred, and eventually a wife who subjects herself to abuse starts believing that she deserves it!

She convinces herself there is no way out and that she is only getting what she has coming to her. This is especially pronounced in cases where Christian women knowingly married unbelievers. Frequently they stay to punish themselves, to pay the penalty for their sin. Their attitude is: I got myself into this, now I’m stuck with it. So, they become passive. It is vitally important that a woman who suffers maltreatment in her marriage draw the distinction between submission and passivity.

Also, some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband’s abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear —part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness’ sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant.

Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife’s faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks.

Sometimes a Christian woman who is being harmed by her mate stays because she believes that the Lord will protect her no matter what her husband does. Candy thought that, until Glen shot her. Eleanor thought that, until Ed fractured her back and skull when he threw her down the stairs. Emily thought that, until Howard burned down their house when he was spaced out on pot and booze and fell asleep on the sofa with a lighted cigarette in his band. Their three-month-old daughter suffered severe burns over 30% of her body and was in the hospital for months. Claudia thought that, until she had a mental breakdown. Her children had to be put in foster homes while she recovered because the court ruled that her husband was not a fit father.

If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people, because if we do we will imitate their behavior or suffer at their hand. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers and many men who batter their wives were themselves mistreated as children, or came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn’t selfish, isn’t sinful, isn’t unsubmissive —it’s smart.

God hasn't called the wife to live in a spirit of fear and mental instability but of “power, and of love, and of a sound mind“ (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV). He hasn't chosen her to live in a state of confusion, not knowing what to say or do next, or what tirades her well-intentioned responses might bring. “God is not a God of confusion but of peace“ (1 Corinthians 14:33) and “has called [her] peace“ (1 Corinthians 7:15).

The above article comes from the terrific book, Beloved Unbeliever: Loving Your Husband into the Faith by Jo Berry, published by Zondervan Publishing House. This book could truly help those who are married to unbelieving spouses. Jo knew what it was like to live with an unbelieving spouse and also interviewed dozens of women who are married to unbelievers. In this book they share the greatest difficulties they encounter(ed) and practical ways to handle the problems.

http://marriagemissions.com/leaving-your-spouse-because-of-abuse/

I highly recommend to any woman that if you feel you are being abused please look at these videos:
http://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/verbal-abuse-videos/

See you next blog,

Ted