EMOTIONAL ABUSE! THE MARRIAGE DEAL BREAKER!

EMOTIONAL ABUSE! THE MARRIAGE DEAL BREAKER!

I see it more than I have ever seen it! It is a sickness that permeates our society. I keep hearing on Christian radio how divorce is the biggest threat to the American society...well I have news for them. The biggest threat I see is men, so called Christian and otherwise who abuse their families to the point of causing divorce and sometimes even death of their spouse. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach, and the church is silent about spousal abuse even to the point of forcing women by using scripture taken out of context to maintain a marriage with an ABUSER! SHAME ON YOU PASTORS!!! The Lord never intended for women to suffer abuse at the hands of their COVENANT PARTNERS. He would never force them to remain in a struggle that could cost them and their children their lives. Just because a man is not always violent does not mean he is not capable of killing to get his way. If he is violent once and does not get long term care-HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. If a man is verbally abusive once, and does not get long term care-HE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN! The cost is devastating to the family and to society at large. 

Please read the following by the author of the poem You and Me

http://lauradutoit.hubpages.com/hub/Emotional-Abuse 

What is Emotional Abuse

Any behavior designed to undermine and control someone else through fear, humiliation, manipulation or intimidation is emotional abuse. This can present itself in the form of verbal abuse, constant criticism or fault finding. Through these tactics the abuser makes their victims feel that they are inadequate and inferior and erodes their self-esteem.

Contrary to what some people believe, not all forms of abuse are expressed through physical violence. Emotional abuse can and often does lead to physical aggression but the abuser uses manipulation tactics as opposed to physical abuse.

Emotional Abuse - The Unseen Pain

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What Influences People to Resort to Emotional Abuse

The need to control other people or degrade and belittle them often stems from a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Abusers are psychologically and emotionally immature and may have been the victim of, or witnessed, an abusive relationship during childhood. As a result these people accept abusive behavior as the norm.

Emotional abuse does not discriminate against race, socioeconomic status, religion, culture or gender. However, in heterosexual relationships the victim in the majority of emotional abuse cases is female.

According to statistics on spousal abuse, emotional abuse occurs 6% more often than physical abuse. Considering that emotional abuse is not considered a criminal act and that most cases go unreported until they eventually culminate in physical abuse the figure for emotional abuse is in reality probably much higher.

Almost 40% of women experience some type of emotional abuse either by a partner or someone with whom they have an intimate relationship. All emotional abusive relationships have a very high risk of becoming physical abused.Emotional abuse is an attempt to take control of the partner - both mentally and/or emotionally.

As with all other forms of abuse the victim is bullied into living a life where the victim is in constant fear of the abuser and inevitably change their behavior and lifestyle to please the abuser.

Social beliefs can also influence some men into believing that they are the stronger sex and have a right to discipline a wife or girlfriend that is disobedient.

Alcohol and drug misuse can aggravate but cannot cause emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a personality disorder, however abusers often hide behind substance abuse as a means to justify their behavior.

None of the above reason are an excuse to be an abuser as any form of abuse is in violation of the basic human rights of the person being abused.

Emotional Abuse Can Be More Traumatic Than Physical Abuse

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Who Becomes Victims of Emotional Abuse

People do not willing enter or stay in an abusive relationship but people who were verbally abused as a child often find themselves in abusive relationships as an adult. These people may not have learned how to validate their own feelings and perceptions and develop their own viewpoints. Despite the fact that emotional abuse is destructive these individuals are more likely to accept emotional abuse as normal, even comfortable.

Abusers transfer their own feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, fear, hurt and anger to their victims. This allows them to feel more in control and avoids the issue of their own insecurities and self-perceptions.

People who are subjected to constant emotional abuse lose their sense of self-worth and no longer trust their own perceptions. Over time the victims lose all sense of self and ultimately become incapable of forming a realistic judgment of the situation. The end result is that the victim's self esteem is so low that they cling to the abuser firmly believing that they deserve to be treated this way.

Emotional abusers are masters in the art of manipulation and convince their victims that they are worthless and that no-one else would want them. The victims then believe that they have nowhere else to go and lack the self-confidence to be on their own.

Emotional abuse leaves wounds that are much deeper and lasting than physical abuse. It is also much more difficult to talk about and explain to the outside world. The abuser normally has a dual personality or "two faces". The "Mr Nice Guy" - everybody's friend, loving spouse, successful, life and soul of the party is the face that they present to the world and the emotional abuse is reserved for the victim.

If they suspect that their victims are strong enough to seek help they are known to spread rumors about their victims instability. This makes it even more difficult for the abused to walk away from an abusive relationship and they stay for fear of being labeled neurotic. In an attempt to conceal their abusive behavior they often isolate their victim keeping them away from family and friends.

Emotional abuse is the greatest indication of potential physical violence, especially where a woman is called names to humiliate and belittle her. Emotionally abusive partners have also been known to commit murder or murder-suicide. People who are subjected to emotional abuse may become suicidal.

Emotionally Abused People Can Become Suicidal

Image Courtesy of David Harvester on Flickr

Tactics Used By The Emotional Abuser

The emotional abuser is invariably egocentric and as such can place unreasonable demands on his victim, expecting them to give all their time and attention to the abuser. In doing so they are denying their victim of any right to privacy and time of their own. They expect their partner to be at their beck and call and will still be dissatisfied irrespective of how much they areprepared to give of themselves.

Emotional abusers have an obsession with control and will go to great lengths in an attempt to control their partner's every move. If their wants are not met they will resort to threats or punishment to get control of the victim's life. Allowing someone to dominate them to this extent will cause the victims to lose any sense of self-respect.

The victims will be constantly criticized and berated for their inability to meet the abuser's needs. Emotional abusers also constantly criticize the partner's size and appearance breaking down their self-esteem until they believe that they are repulsive and worthless.

Isolation is another common tactic used by emotional abusers. They want full control over their victim's lives and try to prevent them from having contact with their friends and family. They may even prevent them from having independent activities such as work irrespective of whether they can afford for the victim not to earn an income or not.

Due to their own low self-esteem they are overly jealous and possessive and falsely accuse the victim of extra-marital affairs if they even speak to a person of the opposite sex. They often pressurize the victim to have sex with them to prove that they love the abuser. This often becomes their way of making amends after each attack despite the fact that the victim may be in a state of despair and hurting.

Abusers often use children as pawns in their power game and will criticize the partner's parenting abilities. They are also known to threaten to ensure that the victim does not get custody of the children should they decide to end the relationship.

Typical of an emotional abuser in order to maintain full control and power they will make all the decisions. This includes important matters such as family finances, what car to buy, where they live and which school the children will attend. They will withhold information from the victim and not consult them on any decisions.

A more aggressive form of abuse includes false accusations, name-calling, threats, blaming and ordering. The abuser assumes a superior position in the relationship by invalidating and judging the partner thereby undermining their equality and independence.

Aggressive abusive can also be more subtle and be disguised as an attempt to help the victim when in effect these are merely attempts to belittle and control them. This can lead to what is known as learned helplessness where the victim believes that they are helpless and remains passive in a damaging situation because they have been lead to believe that they are incapable of making a worthwhile decision.

Emotional abusers tend to deliberately start arguments as they have this uncontrollable urge to experience a feeling of power and control.

Denying is a very harmful form of emotional abuse and can cause the victim to lose all sense of self-worth. Besides minimizing of the victims opinion on anything they are known to deny that certain events took place or that hurtful things were said.Minimizing or trivializing is a more subtle form of denying whereby the abuser leads the victim to believe that they are over-reacting to events or things that were said. To hurt, humiliate or belittle their victims, abusers will question the victims perceptions, memory and even their sanity.

Constant invalidation of feelings, reality and experiences will inevitably lead the victim to mistrust their own perceptions and emotional experience. Emotional abusers can undermine the victims perception of reality by rejecting, mocking, diminishing, or judging the victim's feelings and opinions in an attempt to control the way the victim feels.

Abusers may often refuse to listen or communicate with their victims and withdraw emotionally as a means of punishment. This is what is commonly known as giving their victims the "silent treatment".

In an attempt to control their victims, abusers play on the values, guilt, compassion and fear of their victims to reach their goals. They may also threaten to abandon their victims in an attempt to expose the victims vulnerability and dependency on the abuser.

Abusers are often very moody people and may re-act differently to a specific situation depending on their mood. Drastic mood swings and emotional outbursts make a relationship with this type of abuser extremely draining as the victim is constantly on edge never knowing what to say or how to act to prevent an attack. This type of abuse is characterized by unpredictable responses and the victim, not knowing what to expect, is permanently on guard waiting for the next mood change which could lead to an outburst.

SOME Characteristics of an emotional abuser

Abusers may demonstrate one or more of the following characteristics:-

• Unrealistic expectations of themselves and others
• Very demanding
• Volatile temper and over-react to minimal incidents
• Evade responsibility in a relationship and do not easily commit
• Excessively jealous and possessive and very insecure
• Have an obsession with controlling their victims and restricting their freedom and rights.
• Very demanding of their victims
• Make all the decisions and never take their partners feelings into consideration.
• Manipulative
• Never take responsibility or blame for their own mistakes
• Never admit to the harm they cause - not even to themselves
• Can not empathize with others
• Dual personality

Verbal Abuse

Images Courtesy of Dakal on Flickr

Effects of Emotional Abuse

People who are emotionally abused lose the confidence to make decisions for themselves and tend to agree with everything their partner suggests. They will do anything to please their abuser despite the fact that this is basically an impossible task as the abuser finds joy in criticizing everything the abused does.

In order to justify their staying in the relationship people who are emotionally abused find reasons to excuse the abuser's behavior. This includes having a bad childhood, a bad day at the office but more often than not the victim's tend to blame themselves. Something that they said or did is the reason why their partner is being abusive and they often feel it is their fault.

Emotional battering can cause serious health and psychological problems and the victims often become forgetful and find that they experience difficulty in concentrating. The abused often resort to alcohol or drug abuse or may develop eating or sleeping problems. The emotional stress can cause the abused to become physically ill or they may experience abnormal fatigue or anxiety attacks. All people react differently but it is not uncommon for emotionally abused people to suffer depression and to show a loss of interest in the world around them.

Emotional abusers often try to isolate their victims and the victims often find that they eventually lose all contact with their friends and family. As a result of the emotional battering abused people lose their self confidence and fear if they end the relationship that they will be all alone

Emotionally Abused People Condition Themselves to Keep Quiet

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Why Emotionally Abused Victims Don't Easily Leave

Victims of emotional abuse often stay in the abusive relationship in the hopes that the abuser will change. They often feel that by changing the way that they act towards the abuser they will be able to change the way the abuser acts towards them. Unfortunately one cannot control other people's emotions and neither can you change their personality.

It is very difficult for people who have been in an abusive relationship to just walk out without strong emotions of fear, embarrassment, self-blame and a host of other complex feelings. It is essential that the victims realize that there is a way out of an abusive relationship and there are trained people that will help them to overcome their fears and give them a greater understanding of the situation.

The foremost reason victims do not leave an abusive relationship is their inability to provide shelter and food for themselves and their children although threats, safety, fears and love are also contributory factors. 

If you feel you are being abused, or know someone who is, you need to get help. Keeping the abuse a secret doesn't protect a person from being abused - it only makes it more likely that the abuse will continue.

Silence Hides Violence and Any Other Form of Abuse

Image Courtesy of Heraldpost on Flickr

What to Do if You Are Being Emotionally Abused

The very first step in the right direction is to recognize and admit that you are in a dysfunctional relationship and the victim of emotional abuse. This is a very serious situation to be in and is as bad if not worse than physical abuse. You must realize that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behavior. 

Emotional abusers often resort to aggressive behavior and this could easily lead to physical violence or murder. Have a safety plan in place and take your safety and that of your children seriously.

If your partner has EVEN threatened to harm or kill you phone 911.

When you do make a decision to leave your partner seek legal advice.

• Victims of abuse are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave.

Recommended Reading - Basic Human Rights

• Basic Human Rights for Self-Development
  A professional therapist offers a list of Basic Human Rights for Self-Development including autonomy, self-care, and relationships.

You and me

the world knows a different you
you tell them i'm crazy and they believe it too
why shouldn't they - you're so gentle and kind
they don't know what goes on in your mind.

if i told them that there is a different you
a person they would loathe if only they knew
they'd probably think that i was to blame
and i'd only be putting myself to shame

cos emotional abuse leaves no scars they can see
you are not breaking bones - you are breaking me
you trample the core of my being - deep inside
taken away my dignity, my respect and my pride.

i can't wait for your leaving in the morning
and dread your return at night
being around you makes me edgy
just waiting for the next fight

what will i be ?- a slut or a bitch?
useless and ugly and an evil witch?
or will it be i'm just a cheap whore
someone nobody loves anymore?

or will you ask me what i did with my day
and then not listen to what i say
waiting to accuse me of lies and deceit
saying i slept with every man on our street

will you throw out the meal i prepared for you
find fault with every single thing that i do
will you punch me with words so hard that i cower
all in an effort to gain control and power.


or will you resort to threats of violence and death
i wish i could tell you to just hold your breath...........

cos you cannot kill someone who no longer exists
who died a slow death caused by words and not fists.


its always the same ending after a fight
you expect me to make love all through the night
when all i want is to be left alone and in peace
in a happy place where the hurting can cease

in this dysfunctional relationship that you call love
you torture me daily without a push or a shove
but the hurt cuts deeper than gashes and bruises could
and my heart bleeds more than my body ever would.

for time will never heal the scars that i bear
i just bury them deeper year after year
and change to who you want me to be
it makes it far easier than me being me

Laura du Toit - 2009

KHUM's 'Stop The Violence' campaign begins 2 Nov 2009-until Jesus returns

• KHUM's 'Stop The Violence' campaign
  The first week, the campaign will investigate how the current economic downturn has impacted domestic violence and family dynamics in general The second week of the campaign will deal with the question, When Is It Abuse? Week three, beginning Nov.

More Hubs on Adusive Relationships

• Emotional Abuse
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• What You Should Know About Physical Abuse
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• How to Prevent Domestic Violence
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• Domestic Violence in the LGBT Community
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• Living With Domestic Violence is Damaging Our Children
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• The Best Christmas Gift Anyone Can Give
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• Celebrating Christmas With An Abusive Partner
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How do I know this is true? I've done it! Maybe not to the extent of what you read here, but verbal abuse is verbal abuse and it is ALWAYS WRONG! GET OUT! GET AWAY! STAY AWAY UNTIL YOU KNOW REAL CHANGE HAS OCCURRED THAT IS VERIFIABLE BY A COUNSELOR-NOT YOUR SPOUSES WORD BECAUSE ABUSERS LIE AND CRAVE CONTROL!

Prayerfully written,

Ted

The Value of Suffering by Sue Bolin

Nothing needed to add to this article please read the preivious blog as well...

by Sue Bolin, Probe Ministries

http://www.probe.org/site/c.fdKEIMNsEoG/b.4415417/

Sue Bohlin

SUE BOHLIN Associate Speaker and Web Site Administrator Suite 2000 2001 W. Plano Parkway Plano TX 75075 Phone: (972) 977-8301 E-mail: sue@probe.org Probe Web Site: www.probe.org Personal Web Site: suebohlin.com

There is no such thing as pointless pain in the life of the child of God. How this has encouraged and strengthened me in the valleys of suffering and pain! In this essay I'll be discussing the value of suffering, an unhappy non-negotiable of life in a fallen world.

Suffering Prepares Us to Be the Bride of Christ

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Among the many reasons God allows us to suffer, this is my personal favorite: it prepares us to be the radiant bride of Christ. The Lord Jesus has a big job to do, changing His ragamuffin church into a glorious bride worthy of the Lamb. Ephesians 5:26-27 tells us He is making us holy by washing us with the Word--presenting us to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish. Suffering develops holiness in unholy people. But getting there is painful in the Lord's "laundry room." When you use bleach to get rid of stains, it's a harsh process. Getting rid of wrinkles is even more painful: ironing means a combination of heat plus pressure. Ouch! No wonder suffering hurts!

But developing holiness in us is a worthwhile, extremely important goal for the Holy One who is our divine Bridegroom. We learn in Hebrews 12:10 that we are enabled to share in His holiness through the discipline of enduring hardship. More ouch! Fortunately, the same book assures us that discipline is a sign of God's love (Heb. 12:6). Oswald Chambers reminds us that "God has one destined end for mankind--holiness. His one aim is the production of saints."{1}

It's also important for all wives, but most especially the future wife of the Son of God, to have a submissive heart. Suffering makes us more determined to obey God; it teaches us to be submissive. The psalmist learned this lesson as he wrote in Psalm 119:67: "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."

The Lord Jesus has His work cut out for Him in purifying us for Himself (Titus 2:14). Let's face it, left to ourselves we are a dirty, messy, fleshly people, and we desperately need to be made pure. As hurtful as it is, suffering can purify us if we submit to the One who has a loving plan for the pain.

Jesus wants not just a pure bride, but a mature one as well--and suffering produces growth and maturity in us. James 1:2-4 reminds us that trials produce perseverance, which makes us mature and complete. And Romans 5:3-4 tells us that we can actually rejoice in our sufferings, because, again, they produce perseverance, which produces character, which produces hope. The Lord is creating for Himself a bride with sterling character, but it's not much fun getting there. I like something else Oswald Chambers wrote: "Sorrow burns up a great amount of shallowness."{2}

We usually don't have much trouble understanding that our Divine Bridegroom loves us; but we can easily forget how much He longs for us to love Him back. Suffering scoops us out, making our hearts bigger so that we can hold more love for Him. It's all part of a well-planned courtship. He does know what He's doing . . . we just need to trust Him.

Suffering Allows Us to Minister Comfort to Others Who Suffer

One of the most rewarding reasons that suffering has value is experienced by those who can say with conviction, "I know how you feel. I've been in your shoes." Suffering prepares us to minister comfort to others who suffer.

Feeling isolated is one of the hardest parts of suffering. It can feel like you're all alone in your pain, and that makes it so much worse. The comfort of those who have known that same pain is inexpressible. It feels like a warm blanket being draped around your soul. But in order for someone to say those powerful words--"I know just how you feel because I've been there"--that person had to walk through the same difficult valley first.

Ray and I lost our first baby when she was born too prematurely to survive. It was the most horrible suffering we've ever known. But losing Becky has enabled me to weep with those who weep with the comforting tears of one who has experienced that deep and awful loss. It's a wound that--by God's grace--has never fully healed so that I can truly empathize with others out of the very real pain I still feel. Talking about my loss puts me in touch with the unhealed part of the grief and loss that will always hurt until I see my daughter again in heaven. One of the most incredibly comforting things we can ever experience is someone else's tears for us. So when I say to a mother or father who has also lost a child, "I hurt with you, because I've lost a precious one too," my tears bring warmth and comfort in a way that someone who has never known that pain cannot offer.

One of the most powerful words of comfort I received when we were grieving our baby's loss was from a friend who said, "Your pain may not be about just you. It may well be about other people, preparing you to minister comfort and hope to someone in your future who will need what you can give them because of what you're going through right now. And if you are faithful to cling to God now, I promise He will use you greatly to comfort others later." That perspective was like a sweet balm to my soul, because it showed me that my suffering was not pointless.

There's another aspect of bringing comfort to those in pain. Those who have suffered tend not to judge others experiencing similar suffering. Not being judged is a great comfort to those who hurt. When you're in pain, your world narrows down to mere survival, and it's easy for others to judge you for not "following the rules" that should only apply to those whose lives aren't being swallowed by the pain monster.

Suffering often develops compassion and mercy in us. Those who suffer tend to have tender hearts toward others who are in pain. We can comfort others with the comfort that we have received from God (2 Cor. 1:4) because we have experienced the reality of the Holy Spirit being there for us, walking alongside us in our pain. Then we can turn around and walk alongside others in their pain, showing the compassion that our own suffering has produced in us.

Suffering Develops Humble Dependence on God

Marine Corps recruiter Randy Norfleet survived the Oklahoma City bombing despite losing 40 percent of his blood and needing 250 stitches to close his wounds. He never lost consciousness in the ambulance because he was too busy praying prayers of thanksgiving for his survival. When doctors said he would probably lose the sight in his right eye, Mr. Norfleet said, "Losing an eye is a small thing. Whatever brings you closer to God is a blessing. Through all this I've been brought closer to God. I've become more dependent on Him and less on myself."{3}

Suffering is excellent at teaching us humble dependence on God, the only appropriate response to our Creator. Ever since the fall of Adam, we keep forgetting that God created us to depend on Him and not on ourselves. We keep wanting to go our own way, pretending that we are God. Suffering is powerfully able to get us back on track.

Sometimes we hurt so much we can't pray. We are forced to depend on the intercession of the Holy Spirit and the saints, needing them to go before the throne of God on our behalf. Instead of seeing that inability to pray as a personal failure, we can rejoice that our perception of being totally needy corresponds to the truth that we really are that needy. 2 Corinthians 1:9 tells us that hardships and sufferings happen "so that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

Suffering brings a "one day at a time-ness" to our survival. We get to the point of saying, "Lord, I can only make it through today if You help me . . . if You take me through today . . . or the next hour . . . or the next few minutes." One of my dearest friends shared with me the prayer from a heart burning with emotional pain: "Papa, I know I can make it through the next fifteen minutes if You hold me and walk me through it." Suffering has taught my friend the lesson of total, humble dependence on God.

As painful as it is, suffering strips away the distractions of life. It forces us to face the fact that we are powerless to change other people and most situations. The fear that accompanies suffering drives us to the Father like a little kid burying his face in his daddy's leg. Recognizing our own powerlessness is actually the key to experience real power because we have to acknowledge our dependence on God before His power can flow from His heart into our lives.

The disciples experienced two different storms out on the lake. The Lord's purpose in both storms was to train them to stop relying on their physical eyes and use their spiritual eyes. He wanted them to grow in trust and dependence on the Father. He allows us to experience storms in our lives for the same purpose: to learn to depend on God.

I love this paraphrase of Romans 8:28: "The Lord may not have planned that this should overtake me, but He has most certainly permitted it. Therefore, though it were an attack of an enemy, by the time it reaches me, it has the Lord's permission, and therefore all is well. He will make it work together with all life's experiences for good."

Suffering Displays God's Strength Through Our Weakness

God never wastes suffering, not a scrap of it. He redeems all of it for His glory and our blessing. The classic Scripture for the concept that suffering displays God's strength through our weakness is found in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, where we learn that God's grace is sufficient for us, for His power is perfected in weakness. Paul said he delighted in weaknesses, hardships, and difficulties "for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Our culture disdains weakness, but our frailty is a sign of God's workmanship in us. It gets us closer to what we were created to be--completely dependent on God. Several years ago I realized that instead of despising the fact that polio had left me with a body that was weakened and compromised, susceptible to pain and fatigue, I could choose to rejoice in it. My weakness made me more like a fragile, easily broken window than a solid brick wall. But just as sunlight pours through a window but is blocked by a wall, I discovered that other people could see God's strength and beauty in me because of the window-like nature of my weakness! Consider how the Lord Jesus was the exact representation of the glory of the Father--I mean, He was all window and no walls! He was completely dependent on the Father, choosing to become weak so that God's strength could shine through Him. And He was the strongest person the world has ever seen. Not His own strength; He displayed the Father's strength because of that very weakness.

The reason His strength can shine through us is because we know God better through suffering. One wise man I heard said, "I got theology in seminary, but I learned reality through trials. I got facts in Sunday School, but I learned faith through trusting God in difficult circumstances. I got truth from studying, but I got to know the Savior through suffering."

Sometimes our suffering isn't a consequence of our actions or even someone else's. God is teaching other beings about Himself and His loved ones--us--as He did with Job. The point of Job's trials was to enable heavenly beings to see God glorified in Job. Sometimes He trusts us with great pain in order to make a point, whether the intended audience is believers, unbelievers, or the spirit realm. Joni Eareckson Tada, no stranger to great suffering, writes, "Whether a godly attitude shines from a brain-injured college student or from a lonely man relegated to a back bedroom, the response of patience and perseverance counts. God points to the peaceful attitude of suffering people to teach others about Himself. He not only teaches those we rub shoulders with every day, but He instructs the countless millions of angels and demons. The hosts in heaven stand amazed when they observe God sustain hurting people with His peace."{4}

I once heard Charles Stanley say that nothing attracts the unbeliever like a saint suffering successfully. Joni Tada said, "You were made for one purpose, and that is to make God real to those around you."{5} The reality of God's power, His love, and His character are made very, very real to a watching world when we trust Him in our pain.

Suffering Gets Us Ready for Heaven

Pain is inevitable because we live in a fallen world. 1 Thessalonians 3:3 reminds us that we are "destined for trials." We don't have a choice whether we will suffer--our choice is to go through it by ourselves or with God.

Suffering teaches us the difference between the important and the transient. It prepares us for heaven by teaching us how unfulfilling life on earth is and helping us develop an eternal perspective. Suffering makes us homesick for heaven.

Deep suffering of the soul is also a taste of hell. After many sleepless nights wracked by various kinds of pain, my friend Jan now knows what she was saved from. Many Christians only know they're saved without grasping what it is Christ has delivered them from. Jan's suffering has given her an appreciation of the reality of heaven, and she's been changed forever.

I have an appreciation of heaven gained from a different experience. As my body weakens from the lifelong impact of polio, to be honest, I have a deep frustration with it that makes me grateful for the perfect, beautiful, completely working resurrection body waiting for me on the other side. My husband once told me that heaven is more real to me than anyone he knows. Suffering has done that for me. Paul explained what happens in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

"Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

One of the effects of suffering is to loosen our grasp on this life, because we shouldn't be thinking that life in a fallen world is as wonderful as we sometimes think it is. Pastor Dick Bacon once said, "If this life were easy, we'd just love it too much. If God didn't make it painful, we'd never let go of it." Suffering reminds us that we live in an abnormal world. Suffering is abnormal--our souls protest, "This isn't right!" We need to be reminded that we are living in "Phase 2." The perfect Phase 1 of God's beautiful, suffering-free creation was ruined when Adam and Eve fell. So often, people wonder what kind of cruel God would deliberately make a world so full of pain and suffering. They've lost track of history. The world God originally made isn't the one we experience. Suffering can make us long for the new heaven and the new earth where God will set all things right again.

Sometimes suffering literally prepares us for heaven. Cheryl's in-laws, both beset by lingering illnesses, couldn't understand why they couldn't just die and get it over with. But after three long years of holding on, during a visit from Cheryl's pastor, the wife trusted Christ on her deathbed and the husband received assurance of his salvation. A week later the wife died, followed in six months by her husband. They had continued to suffer because of God's mercy and patience, who did not let them go before they received His gracious gift of salvation.

Suffering dispels the cloaking mists of inconsequential distractions of this life and puts things in their proper perspective. My friend Pete buried his wife a few years ago after a battle with Lou Gehrig's disease. One morning I learned that his car had died on the way to church, and I said something about what a bummer it was. Pete just shrugged and said, "This is nothing." That's what suffering will do for us. Trials are nothing . . . but God is everything.

Notes

1. Oswald Chambers, Our Utmost for His Highest, September 1.

2. Chambers, June 25.

3. National and International Religion Report, Vol. 9:10, May 1, 1995, 1

4. Joni Eareckson Tada, When Is It Right to Die? (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992), 122.

5. Tada, 118.

See you next blog,
Ted

God Is Supposed To Be A Good God...WHY AM I IN SO MUCH PAIN?

I have a close friend, who co-authors a book with me, whose Christian mother is suffering terribly from pain unlike many I have seen in the same predicament. She has lived through a torturous, loveless, marriage, botched surgery after a car accident, extreme Fibromyalgia and now basically bed-ridden by an auto-immune disorder that threatens her life daily. I know that I have prayed and others I have asked to pray. I know her family prays for her, but it seems no relief is in sight. She has been to multiple doctors and had various diagnosis but no relief in sight. Has God abandoned her? No! We don't understand THE WHY some suffer and others are healed, but GOD is in the midst of both the healed and the suffering!

This is probably the biggest question, and the biggest obstacle to trusting God, in Christianity. It's a legitimate question, and it deserves a thoughtful answer that honors the amount of pain attached to it. A powerful, believing woman wrote some of this article. Her name is Sue Bolin, of Probe Ministries. When she started writing about suffering she was in the midst of terrible suffering as well. Sue had polio and the syndrome that now affects her is, at times, worse than the original pain. She wrote a disclosure in her article The Value Of Suffering. This is it-Disclosure: I am writing this while beset by the most physical pain I've experienced since post-polio syndrome started attacking my body with the "unholy trinity" of pain, weakness and fatigue. It hurts to stand, it hurts to walk. Every single step.

Why does God allow it? And my pain is nothing compared to the horrific suffering of millions around the world. Doesn't He care? Why doesn't He stop it—surely He can. He could stop it all with a single word. So why does He let innocent people—especially children, for heaven's sake—suffer?

You see all these supposed healings by various evangelists-some are genuine,  and I personally have been healed supernaturally. There was no explanation other than God stepped in and healed me. However, I have also not been healed when I thought God would just keep on doing what He had done in the past. BUT, I HAVE ALSO SEEN GOD DO SEEMINGLY NOTHING for those I prayed for! As a young intern pastor the first person I prayed for died! Yes, she died! It shook my confidence terribly. I never really doubted that God could heal or would heal. He created a whole universe what challenge would a disease-ravaged human body be to an awesome, powerful God, however I almost refused to pray for people when they were sick after that incident. Fortunately, that was not the case for many I prayed with later in ministry, but it had nothing to do with me personally. God chooses, God decides, God has a plan for the healed and the suffering! James 5:13-16 says our responsibility is to pray the prayer of faith and leave the end result to God. There is a promise in there but remember this, God always has a plan. He sees the whole parade in our life we only see what is in front of us.

I did an internship as a chaplain in a terminal children's ward. The hardest, most heartbreaking scenario in the world is watching a beautiful child die ravaged by cancer. So many didn't make but some received an incredible miracle. Late stage cancer gone suddenly. No reason the doctors then could think of, but only a small few. What happened, was it my faith that was small when I prayed? When adults and children are not healed was it their faith that was small? Was someone harboring some unknown sin that kept them from receiving what God promised if the faithful would pray? I have seen so much suffering and so many times the suffering continued until death, WHY GOD?

Recently, I have seen on television Christians being burned at the stake and killed outright by Muslim extremest called Al QAEDA and ISIS. I saw mass graves where Christians, MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN, brutally beaten and many were buried alive! WHY GOD WHY? ARE WE SHEEP FOR THE SLAUGHTER? DO MOST OF US HAVE TO PROVE OUR LOVE FOR HIM BY SUFFERING TERRIBLY? WHY GOD? WHY? I have heard this so many times: "God is a good God, right? Why am I in so much pain?"

We need to put evil and suffering into perspective, and that means the REALLY BIG PICTURE. Starting before the beginning of time. When all there was, was God: Father, Son and Spirit, engaged in a three-Personed "holy hug" that had no beginning and has no end.(NO! NOT SAYING THERE ARE THREE GODS) A continual celebration of love, adoration, respect, and delight in each other. At some point Father God decided to create mankind and draw us into His circle of love, adopting us as sons (Eph. 1:4-5) and creating a Bride for His eternal Son (Rev. 19:7), a fit companion who would reign with the Lamb (Rev. 22:5).

But God knew that all of human history would unfold between the bookends of the creation of mankind and the Marriage Feast of the Lamb. The God of light and life, of love and truth, knew that all those things are found only in Him; He knew that to reject Him meant choosing darkness and death, isolation and deception. He knew that Adam would rebel, that His perfect creation would crash and burn in the Fall, and that everything would be infected and corrupted by sin. He knew that every human being would be born with a compulsion to reject Him, to live disconnected from Him, independent from Him—something like spiritual HIV+, insuring a death sentence. And sure enough, the mortality rate is still 100%.

God knew all this, and He created us anyway. Because He knew the end result was worth it.

Because God is love, He created people to love, and He created people to love Him back. In order for us to choose to return His love, we needed to be free to choose NOT to love Him. God made us with the very real option to say no to Him, so that our yes would mean something. The alternative would be the equivalent to making a phone say, "Good morning, I love you." The words might be there but there is no heart and no choice behind them—they are nothing more than the result of a programming code. God wanted real and actual love, and that meant that some people He made and dearly loved, could and would say no.

When people say no to God, they not only cut themselves off from relationship with Him, they open the door to all kinds of evil. Some of it comes from sinful human hearts; some of it comes from the demonic realm, angels who also said no to God and became devils. Evil was unleashed by Adam when he disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden (Gen. 3) and it has been causing havoc, pain and suffering ever since. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that this world plagued by pain and disease, deliberate meanness and selfishness, is not God's original perfect creation. If it were, God would indeed be a horrible monster. He knew Adam would open the door to all kinds of evil and suffering, and He allowed Adam to do it anyway. Because He knew the end result was worth it.

Why does God let people suffer?

God uses suffering to cleanse us, to mature us, to burn up shallowness. He uses pain as His instrument to shape us into the image of His Son (Rom. 8:28-29). God has no magic wand that instantly transforms us from something broken and dirty (and we are far more broken and dirty than we have any idea) into something whole and beautiful. There is no divine "Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo." God would have nothing to do with slight of hand magic anyway.

Instead, the Son left heaven, wrapped Himself in human flesh, and came to earth where He lived a perfect, sinless life. Every day of His earthly life, He suffered as a human, limiting Himself to a body that would get tired, hungry, thirsty and dirty. What the first Adam messed up, Jesus the Second Adam corrected. Where Adam disobeyed the Father, Jesus learned obedience through suffering (Heb. 5:8). Jesus suffered throughout His incarnation simply because of His limitations as a human, then suffered an unimaginably horrible death through crucifixion, made even worse because He absorbed all the sin of every human being who had ever lived, was living on the earth at that time, and would ever exist in the future. He took our sin into Himself, actually becoming our sin (2 Cor. 5:21), so that when He died, our sin died with Him. But the Father raised Him from the dead, and He is alive at His Father's right hand right now in heaven.

This means that God knows what it means to suffer. There is no pain, no suffering we can endure, that God Himself did not experience even more during Jesus' time on earth. This same suffering God promised, "Behold, I am making all things new" (Rev. 21:5). The Father knew He would send the Son to suffer, and the Son knew that's what He would leave heaven for.

He did it anyway. Because He knew the end result was worth it.

God allows pain and suffering and evil because He has a plan, and He's working His plan. The end result is that behind all that we see in front of us He is working His plan for redeeming and restoring creation in spite of all the evil, pain and suffering of this sin-sick world. He will set all things right in the end. The last chapter of the Bible makes it clear that there is a happy ending to what is NOT a fairy tale. What started out as a Three-Personed holy hug of the Father, Son and Spirit loving each other while still remaining one God, will be a hugely enlarged circle of love that includes millions, possibly billions of people God made in His image, marked "Mine," and drew into the divine circle to love and be loved forever. Simply put, all of us will get a real healing on the other side! No more tears, No more pain. Revelation 21:4 promises us that God will wipe away every tear.

At that point I believe we will agree, as we look back on evil, pain and suffering on earth, that it was so, so worth it. Yes, there are miracles of healing, but there is the miracle of suffering for His Name's sake in which our reward is even greater.

Some time ago I found an article I have to appreciate by Sue Bolin of Probe Ministry call The Value Of Suffering. I will share her perspective on suffering in the next blog. Sue Bohlin looks at suffering from a Christian perspective-she knows personally what it means.  Applying a biblical worldview to this difficult subject results in a distinctly different approach to suffering than our natural inclination of blame and self pity.

See you next blog,

Ted

Hey Christian! Guess What Porn Does To The Brain?

Hey Christian! Guess What Porn Does To The Brain???

Most recreational reading young people do is not where you think. In fact, most recreational reading for busy adults is not where you think. It is in a small room with a sink and a bathtub/shower as they unload their internal burdens. Because that was true where I lived I started leaving what I considered important reading next to the "john." It was titled Lessons To Take A Dump With! Here is one of them:

This contribution is from Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church


This is a rather frank post on porn, so proceed, or not, with that in mind.

Porn is a problem. Once it has a hold on you cannot quit on your own! It permeates the brain and becomes an #addiction. It's a personal problem for many and a cultural problem for all. You may think you have not been affected by porn, but you have because it's embedded in the surrounding culture. The staggering size of the pornography industry, its influence upon the media and the acceleration of technology, paired with the accessibility, anonymity, and affordability of porn all contribute to its increasing impact upon the culture.

Some foolish men, who call themselves Christians, believe you can do anything in the marriage bed and it is not a sin...LIAR! YOU TRY AND CONVINCE YOUR WIFE THAT SMUT IS GOOD FOR THE MARRIAGE BED? MISTER YOU CAN LIE ALL DAY LONG TO HER BUT PORNOGRAPHY IS GROSS ABOMINABLE SIN IN THE EYES OF GOD! You have caused you and her long-lasting devastation! You have tried to normalize what God calls an ABOMINATION!

Pornography affects you whether you’ve ever viewed it or not, and it is helpful to understand some of its negative effects, whether you are a man or woman, struggling with watching it, or simply a mom or dad with a son or daughter. There is a plethora of research on the detrimental effects of pornography (and I do not think that what follows are necessarily the worst of them), but here are seven negative effects of porn upon men and women:

1. PORN CONTRIBUTES TO SOCIAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS WITHIN MEN
Anti-pornography activist, Gail Dines, notes that young men who become addicted to porn, “neglect their schoolwork, spend huge amounts of money they don’t have, become isolated from others, and often suffer depression.” (Pornland, 93). Dr. William Struthers, who has a PhD in biopsychology from the University of Illinois at Chicago, confirms some of these and adds more, finding that men who use porn become controlling, highly introverted, have high anxiety, narcissistic, curious, have low self-esteem, depressed, dissociative, distractible (Wired for Intimacy, 64-65). Ironically, while viewing porn creates momentary intensely pleasurable experiences, it ends up leading to several negative lingering psychological experiences.



2. PORN REWIRES THE MALE BRAIN
Struthers elaborates,

As men fall deeper into the mental habit of fixating on [pornographic images], the exposure to them creates neural pathways. Like a path is created in the woods with each successive hiker, so do the neural paths set the course for the next time an erotic image is viewed. Over time these neural paths become wider as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography. They become the automatic pathway through which interactions with woman are routed….They have unknowingly created a neurological circuit that imprisons their ability to see women rightly as created in God’s image (Wired For Intimacy, 85).
In a similar vein regarding porn’s effect upon the brain, Naomi Wolf writes in her article, "The Porn Myth,"

After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it.


3. PORN TURNS SEX INTO MASTURBATION
Sex becomes self-serving. It becomes about your pleasure and not the self-giving, mutually reciprocating intimacy that it was designed for.



4. PORN DEMEANS AND OBJECTIFIES WOMEN
This occurs from hard-core to soft-core pornography. Pamela Paul, in her book Pornified, quoting the research of one psychologist who has researched pornography at Texas A&M, writes,

‘Softcore pornography has a very negative effect on men as well. The problem with softcore pornography is that it’s voyeurism teaches men to view women as objects rather than to be in relationships with women as human beings.’ According to Brooks, pornography gives men the false impression that sex and pleasure are entirely divorced from relatoinships. In other words, pornography is inherently self-centered–something a man does by himself, for himself–by using another women as the means to pleasure, as yet another product to consume (80).
Paul references one experiment that revealed a rather shocking further effect of porn: “men and women who were exposed to large amounts of pornography were significantly less likely to want daughters than those who had none. Who would want their own little girl to be treated that way?” (80).

It becomes about your pleasure and not the self-giving, mutually reciprocating intimacy that it was designed for.
Again, it needs to be emphasized, that this is not an effect that only rests upon those who have viewed porn. The massive consumption of porn and the the size of the porn industry has hypersexualized the entire culture. Men and women are born into a pornified culture, and women are the biggest losers. Dines continues,

By inundating girls and women with the message that their most worthy attribute is their sexual hotness and crowding out other messages, pop culture is grooming them just like an individual perpetrator would. It is slowly chipping away at their self-esteem, stripping them of a sense of themselves as whole human beings, and providing them with an identity that emphasizes sex and de-emphasizes every other human attribute (Pornland, 118).


5. PORN SQUASHES THE BEAUTY OF A REAL NAKED WOMAN
Wolf, in her own blunt way, confirms this,

For most of human history, the erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn (Quoted in Wired for Intimacy, 38).


6. PORN HAS A NUMBING EFFECT UPON REALITY
It makes real sex and even the real world boring in comparison. It particularly anesthetizes the emotional life of a man. Paul comments,

Pornography leaves men desensitivzed to both outrage and to excitement, leading to an overall diminishment of feeling and eventually to dissatisfaction with the emotional tugs of everyday life…Eventually they are left with a confusing mix of supersized expectations about sex and numbed emotions about women…When a man gets bored with pornography, both his fantasy and real worlds become imbued with indifference. The real world often gets really boring…” (Pornified, 90, 91).


7. PORN LIES ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE MALE AND FEMALE
Dines records how porn tells a false story about men and women. In the story of porn, women are “one-dimensional”–they never say no, never get pregnant, and can’t wait to have sex with any man and please them in whatever way imaginable (or even unimaginable). On the other hand, the story porn tells about men is that they are “soulless, unfeeling, amoral life-support systems for erect penises who are entitled to use women in any way they want. These men demonstrated zero empathy, respect, or love for the women they have sex with…(Pornland, xxiv).”

Review this again young people! What kind of marriage do you want? Do you care about raising up healthy children with healthy minds? Do you even care about the health of your mind? The biggest problem with PORN is that the next thrill is the goal! Think about it! Pray about it and see if the Holy Spirit isn't urging you to cleanse your mind of all worldly entrapment. God's rewards for a healthy sex life in marriage far outweigh any temporal rewards that sadistic sex has to offer.

With great love,
Ted