How Do I Know If I Found A Right Relationship

Well I did it again I copied Marc and added a few Christian touches to 9 GOOD SIGNS YOU ARE IN A RIGHT RELATIONSHIP. I was a pastor and biblical counselor for a number of years and saw some pretty awful relationships and was in a couple of them myself-some my fault others her fault and it cuts it both ways SOMETIMES. It takes hard work and real love to make a relationship work. Constantly growing as a person, as a believer in Jesus Christ is essential. The first example of what a marriage should be like is in the example of the church (that's us-the bride not a building or organization) and Jesus Christ (the Groom-Savior and Lord he paid it all so we could live free from sin forever-don't let anyone beat you over the head with how hard you have to work to get to heaven-GRACE-God's Riches AT Christ's Expense) If you are not enjoying that Grace then stop what you are doing and ask Jesus into your heart and let his Holy Spirit change you from the inside out. If you meant it HE WILL! :O)

Here is Marc's original blog:
http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/02/12/9-good-signs-youre-in-the-right-relationship/

“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”

This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask us.  And after Angel and I listen to the specifics of their situation, we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts and expectations.  For instance:

“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”

Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well.  So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” and corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:

1.  No games are being played.

Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be.  The difficulties started when… conversations became texting or emailing, feelings became subliminal, sex became a demand, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution.  Stop running!  Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.

And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up and GET OUT!

2.  Everyone is on the same page.

If a woman starts out all casual with a man and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a committed relationship, it will likely never become a committed relationship.  If you give someone the impression that casual, or whatever, is okay with you, that’s what will be assumed going forward.  The bottom line is that you have to be straight from the start, or at least as soon as you know what you want.  Don’t beat around the bush.  If someone gets scared and runs away because you were honest and set boundaries, that person wasn’t right for you anyway. Casual sex does not a lasting relationship make-Friends With Benefits is a lie-somebody's gonna get hurt!

3.  The line of communication is open, honest, and clear.

You can’t be afraid to have certain conversations.  It’s better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Don’t expect the important people in your life to read your mind, and don’t play foolish games with their heads and hearts.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect them to trust you when the full truth comes out – half-truths are no better than lies.

Listen without defending and speak without offending.  Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship.  Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues, and above all, communication issues.  So be honest, commit, and COMMUNICATE always.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4.  Loving deeds consistently reinforce loving words.

Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of what you have already shown them by how you treat them on a daily basis.  Do little things every day to show your loved ones you care.  Knowing that the person you’re thinking of has you on their mind too means a lot.

Truth be told, you can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true by actions, they aren’t.  If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere.  It’s as simple as that.  And there’s no such thing as a “right” relationship that isn’t sincere at both ends.

5.  Expectations of perfection are strictly forbidden.

Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

Your best friends and your soul mate may be far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you.  Give them a chance to show you.  When you stop expecting the people you love to be a certain way, you can start to enjoy and appreciate them for who they are.  What you need to remember is that every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect in the end is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.

6.  Honesty, vulnerability, and presence are held sacred.

Although it may sound risky, the strongest type of love is the love that makes you the most vulnerable.  It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and fully disclosed over the long-term.  It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.

So open yourself up.  BE with the person you love.  Allow yourself to experience them authentically.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.  This is how you welcome a sincere connection with another human being.  (ReadDaring Greatly.)

7.  There is a healthy blend of freedom and teamwork.

Keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to be with us or love us.  We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave.  And likewise, we should never feel trapped in a relationship.  In fact, if either person feels trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist.  Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.

Relationships are also built on a solid foundation of teamwork.  And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway.  You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them.  It really is a full circle.  The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.

And remember, relationships are rarely 50/50 at any given instant in time.  You can’t always feel 100%, or a full 50% of a relationship’s whole – life is simply too unpredictable for that.  So on the days when you can only give 20%, the other person must give 80%, and vice versa-however less should not be the NORM.  It’s never been about balancing steady in the middle; healthy relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments for each other in real time as needed, and give more when the other person can’t help but give a little less. But if your mate is not willing to give 100% effort to making your relationship work, you are in a WRONG RELATIONSHIP!

8.  Personal growth is embraced, celebrated, and shared.

It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in.  When you connect with someone special, a best friend or a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself-not making you into their image of what they want.  In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth. Remember you can't change anyone! If there is not a mutual nurturing of each other your relationship will turn abusive!

When you honestly think about what you and your closest confidants add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad.  No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

9.  Outsiders aren’t calling the shots.

Relationships don’t make sense when outsiders run your relationships for you-parents, siblings, well-meaning friends.  If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else or involve a good counselor. Anyone that isn't willing to work out differences with a good qualified counselor is dangerous to be with.

You have to live your own life your own way; that’s all there is to it.  Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people.  It’s your duty, and yours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for you.  You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living and deciding for yourself.

STAY HEALTHY SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY!

See you next blog,

Ted

8 Things You Never Should Give Up In A Relationship

Normally I like to write my own blogs but this one by Marc Chernoff just nails it for you ladies in a relationship with a covert or overt tyrant! Please take this to heart, your very life could depend on it. As a Christian there are some things I cannot agree with entirely in Marc's words but I would put my blessing on 90% of what is said here. There are TOXIC people in the world who are absolutely bent on making you miserable and subjecting you, trying to make you in their image of what or who you should be...don't put up with it! Recognized abuse for what it is and make no excuses for your abuser!

“It’s been exactly ten years since my controlling, abusive ex-fiancé sold my favorite guitar which cost almost $1,000 and took me ages to save for.  He sold it on the day I broke up with him.  When I went to pick up my belongings, he was proud that he had sold it to a local pawnshop.  Luckily, I managed to track down the guy that bought it from the pawnshop.  The guy was really sweet and gave it back to me for free, on the condition that I join him on his front porch for an hour and play guitar with him.  He grabbed a second guitar and we ended up sitting there on his porch for the rest of the afternoon playing music, talking, and laughing.  He’s been my husband for almost nine years now, and we are happier now than ever.”

That’s a paraphrased version of a story one of our coaching clients, Megan, lived through a while back.  It’s one of those life stories that really stuck with me – one that I still think about on a regular basis.  And it immediately came to mind this morning when a new reader of ours, Jay, emailed me a long story about his present, broken relationship.  Specifically this one line jumped out at me:  “I feel like I’ve given up my love, my passions, my friendships, and my life for her, but it’s never enough.”

Using Megan’s story as a frame of reference, we are reminded that unhealthy relationships restrict and impair, while healthy relationships bring freedom and life to our existence.  It’s important to remember the difference.  It’s important to remember what you should NEVER have to give up for a relationship.  And that’s what this article is about – some good reminders for Jay, and for all of us…

1.  Your imperfect magnificence.

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you; it’s hard to find someone who actually means it.  But you will find them eventually, so don’t rush love, and don’t settle.  Find someone who isn’t afraid to admit they miss you.  Someone who knows you’re not perfect, but appreciates you as you are.  One who gives their heart completely.  Someone who says, “I love you” and then proves it day in and day out.  Find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair, and then falls in love with you all over again.

Remember, to the people who truly love you, you are magnificent already.  This is not because they’re blind to your shortcomings, but because they so vividly see the beauty of your soul.  Your shortcomings then dim by comparison.  The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect and magnificent, at the same time. Let the Holy Spirit of God do the changes!

2.  The right to decide for yourself.

Don’t put the only keys to your growth and happiness in someone else’s pocket.  Relationships are not about authority and obedience; they’re agreements of love and respect.  You simply can’t live your entire life through someone else’s fantasies.  There must be compromise and the space to do what’s right for you, even if someone you care about disagrees.  Give, but don’t allow yourself to be used.  Listen to loved ones, but don’t lose track of your inner voice in the process.

Never apologize for what you feel and what you don’t feel; that’s a betrayal of your truth.  Feelings are just that. It does not mean that is exactly what you are going to act on or act out. No matter how much advice people give you, sometimes you have to feel things out for yourself, make decisions on your own, experience things firsthand, and build your own conclusions from the ground up the old fashion way.  (Read Choose Yourself.)

3.  Your innate human need to be understood.

There’s honestly nothing more intimate than simply being understood and understanding someone else in return.  Even when there are disagreements, every healthy relationship contains this mutual understanding – a loving space filled with listening and compromise.

So remember to listen without defending, and speak without offending.  Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship.  And really, there’s only one rule for being a good communicator: the willingness to hear others.  Because we do not always need a busy mind that speaks, just a patient heart that listens. Trust God for the ultimate result, He is always there for you.

4.  The freedom to love.

Love is the creative force of the universe.  It is as important to life as oxygen is to breathing.  When it is present in our lives we feel happier, more optimistic and fulfilled.  Without it, we become angry, cynical, resentful people, critical of ourselves and others, effectively squashing the greatness that exists in us, and diminishing our own light.

Open your heart and let love out.  Love people.  Love experiences.  Love yourself.  And let go of those who try to stop you.

5.  The courage and willingness to experiment with life.

To live a great life, you must lose your fear of being wrong.  Remember that doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Even when things don’t work out, they do.  Because in the end, experience is what you get when you didn’t get exactly what you wanted, and experience is often the most valuable thing you have to give.

So don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  Don’t let someone scare you out of failing forward.  All of life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  Either you will succeed or you will learn the next best step.  Win-win.  (Read Start.) Let wisdom be your guide as you go forward. 

6.  Your joy.

Never let anyone or anything get in the way of your joy.  Live a life that sizzles and pops and makes you laugh out loud every day.  Because you don’t want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that your life is a collection of meetings and “someday’s” and errands and receipts and empty promises.

So go ahead and sing out loud in the car with the windows down, and dance in your living room, and stay up all night laughing, and paint your walls any color you want, and enjoy some port wine and chocolate cake.  Yes, and go ahead and sleep in on clean white sheets, and throw parties, and paint, and write poetry, and read books so good they make you lose track of time.  And just keep living and laughing and making God glad that he gave life to someone who loves and cherishes the gift.

7.  Other important relationships, including the one you have with yourself.

If a relationship is closing you off from the world, it’s time to break free.  It’s time to choose love over deception.  After all, that’s what love is all about – freedom.

So don’t blame love if a broken relationship is interfering with your other important relationships, or robbing you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms.  No, don’t blame love.  For it isn’t love that’s stealing from you.  It’s possession.  It’s obsession.  It’s manipulation.  It’s confusion.  Love has nothing to do with your situation.  For love doesn’t close the door on happiness and liberty.  It opens it wide to let more in.

Likewise, if someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back.  It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by pretending to be someone else.  It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity.  It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

8.  Your inner peace and composure.

No matter what you do or how amazing you are, throughout your lifetime some people will still upset you, disrespect you, and treat you poorly.  Let them be; let karma deal with the cruel things they have done.  Hatred and negativity filling your heart and mind will only consume you and your potential.  You will begin to heal and grow emotionally when you let go of these past hurts, excuse the people who have wronged you, and forgive yourself for your misjudgments.

Bottom line:  Learning to ignore certain people and situations is one of the great paths to inner peace.  So let GO when you must.  Let them be, so you can be at peace.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/03/12/8-things-you-should-never-give-up-for-a-relationship/

The floor is yours…

What else would you add to the list?  What should you NEVER have to give up for a relationship?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

REMEMBER THIS!

See you next blog,

Ted

What Could Happen If Parents Live A Double Standard?

Finally a media person tells the truth about Mike Brown's parents! They taught Mike that he was above the law and they STILL live that way even today! Mike Brown and his friend were teen thugs not a duo to idolize!

Michael Brown case: Ferguson teen's parents and double standards

By Heather Hansen

Published November 15, 2014

FoxNews.com

On October 24th, Benjamin Crump, an attorney for Michael Brown's family, told MSNBC that "All Michael Brown's family has asked from day one is equal justice for their son. The concept of due process, this notion of all the laws in the legal proceedings being fair for them, just like it is for a police officer."

I have to wonder how they define fair.

A grand jury has been reviewing evidence in the case against Officer Darren Wilson for the death of Michael Brown since August 20.  

Ms. McSpadden is being investigated for felony robbery in an incident involving her mother-in-law and the sale of "Justice for Mike Brown" merchandise.  However, Ms McSpadden asked the police not to release the incident report.

This week, the grand jury heard from Dr Michael Baden, a forensic pathologist hired by the family's attorneys to perform an autopsy. This autopsy was done in addition to the one performed by the County Coroner, and another performed by a federal pathologist.  

Attorney Crump has complained that when leaks happen he cannot have confidence in the grand jury, but another attorney for the family didn't hesitate to tell the St. Louis Post Dispatch that Baden is testifying.

It is unusual for an expert hired by one of the parties to address a grand jury.  Typically the evidence presented is meant to be objective and the people who testify are meant to be not interested (or paid).  

There has been no leak to support the idea that the same opportunity to offer paid witnesses is being afforded for Officer Wilson. We have not heard that anyone retained by his attorney has presented to the grand jury, and in fact Wilson's own lawyer is not allowed to speak during the proceedings. Lawyers for Officer Wilson have also chosen not to speak to the media, in contrast to those hired by the Brown family.  But all they want is equal justice...

There are some who have questioned the timing of Dr Baden's testimony.  Lisa Bloom, an attorney who often provides commentary for various media outlets, tweeted this week that it is "amazing that the prosecution only called him before the grand jury this late"

Lisa Bloom (@LisaBloom)
11/12/14, 6:08 PM
Dr. Michael Baden is a renowned pathologist retained by Mike Brown family. Amazingly prosecutors only called him before grand jury at this late date.

Maybe she has heard a leak that we haven't, because without other information this is not amazing at all.  

It could be that after almost two months the grand jury is only now hearing from all of the pathologists who reviewed the evidence.  

Ms.Bloom doesn't mention that Dr. Baden has been given access to all of the evidence reviewed by the state's pathologist, or that the family attorney wouldn't say whether he expected Baden to present an interpretation contrary to the state's pathologist. Without a full transcript of the grand jury proceedings, it is hard to agree that this is amazing.  

I find it far more amazing that Michael Brown's mother, Lesley McSpadden, does not seem to want the same fairness and transparency to apply when she is investigated for a crime.  

Ms. McSpadden is being investigated for felony robbery in an incident involving her mother-in-law and the sale of "Justice for Mike Brown" merchandise.  However, Ms McSpadden asked the police not to release the incident report and the report was only released after a judge said the law mandated it.

It seems that for Ms McSpadden and her attorneys, the idea of equal justice and the laws being the same for all depends on the circumstance and the persons accused. And now, as the grand jury continues to hear evidence, Brown's parents have flown to Geneva to present to the UN Committee Against Torture. They've submitted a statement requesting the UN to recommend immediate arrest of Officer Wilson.  Brown's mother, Lesley McSpadden, said "We need the world to know what is going on in Ferguson and we need justice."

It is hard to imagine how this quest for justice at the UN can be fruitful when there will be no evidence presented and no presentation by Officer Wilson or someone on his behalf.  The Committee does not have the evidence necessary to determine whether an arrest is appropriate or warranted, and yet they are asked to recommend arrest all the same.  It seems that Attorney Crump's call for due process doesn't extend to the United Nations either.

When calling for justice it is important to remember that while Lady Justice is blind,  hypocrisy is something one feels in the gut.

Heather Hansen is a litigator at O'Brien and Ryan, LLC  She is a legal analyst for hngn.com. Visit her website at heatherhansentv.com. Follow her onTwitter@imheatherhansen.com.

See you next blog,

Ted