Where Does the Power of the Narcissist Lie?

I have talked to many Christian women who have had to deal with Narcissistic boyfriends and husbands. One thing stands out:  Even though they realize they are dealing with someone who truly never loved them, and used them to get whatever he/she wanted at their expense, it still seems to yield them powerless to change the situation. Many who should have divorced never did and have lived miserable lives, filled with regret, but seemingly powerless to do anything about it. Many who have the same type of boyfriend find out after they are married just how miserable life can be with a Narcissist. Some can be very charming in the beginning and able to cover the chink in their armor. So where does the Narcissist get all his/her power from?

REMEMBER THIS: 
It is always all about them and how they feel, what their needs are, and how you disappoint or hurt them. They cannot accept their imperfections as they are only concerned with yours! They cannot deal with their sins...it is always somebody else's fault! No matter what your concerns or hurts are, theirs are much worse. If you have cold they are dealing with pneumonia. They always feel sorry for themselves. Your wants, needs, and wishes don't matter, you are simply a means to an end until they no longer need you and find new supply to feed on. However if you let them they will suck your soul dry until you wish you were dead!!!

Pastor David Orrison puts it beautifully in perspective:

Perhaps more than others, narcissists understand the value of power. If you have no power, others can hurt you. The power of others over them is, in many cases, the factor that moved them to protect themselves by narcissistic behavior. And narcissistic behavior is all about power.

Think of the things that make a person feel powerful. Knowing a secret, holding a higher position, greater physical strength, greater influence, a higher intelligence, etc. These are all things toward which narcissists strive. For the narcissist, it isn’t about being strong, but about being stronger. It isn’t about looking good, it is about looking better. The power position is the one the narcissist wants. The Narcissist caters to his needs and wants above others always!

This is why the narcissist chafes under authority—and exactly why authority is so important in the life of a narcissist. It is why the narcissist hates your boundaries—and why your boundaries are so important. It is why the narcissist fears truly coming into relationship with God so they pretend and give general lip-service rather than succumb to the power of God to change their lives. 

First, children of narcissists often find themselves going from one narcissistic relationship to another in their adult lives. They have never learned that life can have power. They simply adapt to whatever new oppressor comes along. This is why learning and implementing boundaries is so vital. They often pick jobs and stay in jobs where they can rarely be their own person. They kowtow to oppressive schedules and demands and say there is nothing they can do about it. The relationship, whether job or personal, owns them.

Second, narcissists can be controlled. They fear power. They may hate it, but they will yield to it. The husband who speaks disparagingly about the police when he speeds down the road will be amazingly docile when the patrolman is standing at his car door. The serial killer, when finally caught, gives up peacefully and becomes a model prisoner. Many victims of narcissists have noted how their narcissist completely reverses his attitude and behavior at certain times. Often this is because he recognizes a greater power. They cower at what seems to be the greater authority than what they possess. 

Third, as long as the narcissist has power over someone, he is getting his supply. He needs to be superior. When he feels powerless, he becomes afraid and vulnerable. He may recede into depression as a way of hiding. He or she feels that their life is doomed to dread because no one cares about their needs or wishes.

The Christian in a narcissistic relationship should pray for brokenness in their Narcissistic spouse. We have talked about that before. The Narcissist may need to come to the end of his/her resources in order to begin to understand that there is Someone who loves him, but they must bow in obeisance to Him. Be prepared to go for a WILD ride, because the ability of the narcissist to deny and manipulate is amazing.  

One more thing: the narcissist is already a small, fearful, broken person hiding behind a MONSTER he uses to keep people away from the real him or her and control them. He has created this “alter-ego,” and it may be the only thing you know about him. It is this “Mr. Hyde” that needs to be broken though rarely accomplished. And if the screen falls, the great “Wizard of Oz” is shown to be an ordinary little man.

You may not be able to knock the screen down to reveal the truth. You might be too weak or too compromised. But God can do it. Pray for that. However, God can also give you release when your Narcissist becomes too oppressive. Nowhere in scripture does God tell you that you must obey a Narcissist. When finally you may realize that your needs are never going to matter to the Narcissist and leave, remember that there is a Higher Power than the Narcissist that haunts you. God can give you strength to live your life freely in Him.

Pastor David's blog:
https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/about/

See you next blog,
Ted

Then Comes The Awakening

Today I got up real early. I got coffee at Starbucks and a blueberry muffin at the store. I haven't had one of those in a long time and I took it to a park to savor it while I watched the ducks. The sun was beautiful after a night's rain and the smell in the air was just refreshing. I had a lot on my mind and I was looking for a time of prayer and quite...well God had other ideas...

After I arrived I saw a young woman with her children in the play area but she was just sitting on a swing with her head down. The kids were telling mommy to feel better. When she came over to the pavilion with the kids I noticed her left cheek was really red and the beginning of a black eye. She had a distant faraway look about her. I told her it looked like she tied into a tiger and it wouldn't let go. Embarrassed, she looked at me and laughed and then tears welled up in her eyes. I asked her if I could help I told that I used to be a family counselor and pastor. She said no one could help her.

I found out her name was Shelley and her husband's name was Jeff. Her little boy was Johnny and I don't remember the little girl's name, but she was very bright. She told me that mommy and daddy got into a fight and daddy was bad. Shelley told me more and said it was getting to be a regular occurrence.  He was successful in his job, but she didn't measure up to the kind of wife he wanted. She said she wasn't sexy enough or pretty enough. He said she dressed like a hag. He said she was always too tired to give him anything that showed he was wanted and loved, so he would berate her and sometimes hit, slap, or pinch her. By the way, sans the black eye and red cheek, she was very pretty. Raven black hair and blue eyes that would melt a man's heart. She wore no make-up this morning and still she looked so pretty and frail. She was chunky but not overly so. The kids were good-looking so I assumed Jeff must be also. What would cause a young, successful, man to treat his wife this way? She said he never saw a mirror he didn't like. She said he always bragged on his accomplishments and made her feel stupid. He was always gone with his friends and would come back late a night wanting sex and then again in the morning. If she didn't want to perform he would berate her or just "take her." She had no family here and she couldn't have friends because he would always dis anyone she liked as a friend. She didn't go to church so there was no spiritual encouragement.

I told her she needed to talk to the police and see a Family Counselor. She was afraid, but I convinced her that it was never too late to make sure Jeff got the message...DON'T TOUCH unless it's out of love. She hesitated and cried some more, but she said she couldn't live like this. She saw her parents' lives and their miserable marriage. She relented and called the police. The officer was very thorough and I would bet Jeff spends the night in jail. I told her to fill out a restraining order today and make sure a deputy helps him move his stuff out. The officer told her he would help her with all that. I shook her hand gently and told her I would pray for her.

Too many women take abuse over and over, verbally and physically! Sure, your man says he's sorry when it goes too far, he may even cry...BUT it keeps happening! You are not a rug or a doormat. You are a woman, loved by God and deserving of all the things God desires for a woman to enjoy. You don't have to be a "knock-out" to be beautiful. Beauty is something inside of you that shines through when you allow it to happen when you are nourished by the love around you.

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out—ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.


So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:


How you should look and how much you should weigh … What you should wear and where you should shop. Where you should live or what type of car you should drive … Who you should sleep with and how you should behave. Who you should marry and why you should stay… The importance of having children or even what you owe your family!

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with because instead of being borne of God's word Himself they were rules misread, misapplied, and laid down by haughty, hateful men who just wanted you to live life in subjection and fear. 


You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK… they’re entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10.” Or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.


And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive” and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” & “contributing” rather than “obtaining” & “accumulating.”

And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with: things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about—a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.


And then you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships-including the HATER you married. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say “I was wrong” and to forgive people for their own human frailties-not for unrepentant abuses. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside when you know you are being treated wrongly. You learn that certain feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK for you and that it is your right to want or expect certain things just as long as you are fair about it. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and realize that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO when it needs to be applied. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, you offer proper training of the gospel if you are a believer, but it’s not your job to save the world(or your family) leave that to the Almighty) and you realize that sometimes you just need to let go and let God do this thing!

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong for someone to demand that someone live their life, sacrifice your dreams just to serve their needs, ease their insecurities, or meet “their” unfair standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.” Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self-Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals, and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to remove and avoid TOXIC people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God… but merely a random act of fate that you have a choice to act on.

And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY… the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can without all the draining influence of those who have kept you down. More importantly learn to trust the word of God more and more. He designed you for Him...just read Psalm 139 for yourself.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my “God” to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to make the hard choices, to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this: “You are an expression of the Almighty. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ as Savior,  The Holy Spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. It's terribly hard to leave someone you care about but genuinely cannot help or be with safely. Open your heart, pray, and trust the Holy Spirit to heal and empower you.” My “God” has never failed me. Child of God he won't fail you!
See you next blog,
Ted