RESOLUTIONS! A New Take On Making Them

Resolutions! Most make them on New Years Eve. Some deep thinkers write them down as they discover the need for resolutions in the year while the old year is still in play. Others decide why make resolutions...I'm just gonna break them. Then the worst of the resolution makers actually enjoy breaking them. I remember an old friend who used smoke like a factory chimney. He wreaked of smoke, his breath, his body odor, his clothing...and to be honest, it was over-powering. I was his roomie for a while after a rough divorce. I tried to get him to quit, and he would resolve each year at Christmas that change was going to occur. Nope, didn't happen. The first time he smelled someone smoking he always had a reserve pack under his car seat in case he just couldn't take any more. I used to tell him how self-defeating it was to have a reserve pack. He would smile.

Alcoholics, gamblers, sex addicts, etc., etc., do the same thing. They swear to themselves and everybody still left to listen they will change in the New Year, but so many have a reserve "something" stashed somewhere to bail out their cravings! You see the real need for resolutions isn't about quitting it's about living! It's about being the best person we can possibly be so that others we care about will think about doing the same thing. How will they hear you if they can't see changes you have been successful at? At 62 years of age, my friend died of lung cancer, but he would've died from heart failure according to his doctor or some other complication from his terrible lifestyle. Don't get me wrong. He was good and generous man. I thought the world of Spanky. I admired many of his traits and he had some very hard things to overcome but he never stopped thinking of others. I miss him. So in honor of my buddy I am asking you to consider a new way of looking at resolutions and make them from a scriptural standpoint. Why? Because if we do it in cooperation with the Holy Spirit that resides within us, we stand a greater gain by doing it God's way and with His help.

These are taken from the Common English Bible. No, I am not changing Bibles, I still love the New King James and the New American Standard, but these are very understandable.

Forgive others and past failures and look to a better future(forgiveness does not mean you have trust or reconcile but it leaves the door open if real repentance should occur):
1. Don't remember the prior things; don't ponder ancient history. Look! I'm doing a new thing; now it sprouts up; don't you recognize it? I'm making a way in the desert, paths in the wilderness.
– Isaiah 43:18-19 CEB

Trust God when you don't feel like trusting:
2. Certainly the faithful love of the Lord hasn't ended; certainly God's compassion isn't through! They are renewed every morning. Great is your faithfulness.
– Lamentations 3:22-23 CEB

Renew your way of thinking:
3. Instead, renew the thinking in your mind by the Spirit and clothe yourself with the new person created according to God's image in justice and true holiness.
– Ephesians 4:23-24 CEB

Everything in due season:
4. God has made everything fitting in its time, but has also placed eternity in their hearts, without enabling them to discover what God has done from beginning to end.
– Ecclesiastes 3:11 CEB

Gain a world view of life in Christ:
5. Look among the nations and watch! Be astonished and stare because something is happening in your days that you wouldn't believe even if told.
–Habakkuk 1:5 CEB

Praise Him every morning before you start your day:
6. Sing to the Lord a new song because he has done wonderful things! His own strong hand and his own holy arm have won the victory!
–Psalm 98:1 CEB

Don't be double-minded. Say what you mean in love and mean what you say:
7. I will give them a single heart, and I will put a new spirit in them. I will remove the stony hearts from their bodies and give them hearts of flesh.
–Ezekiel 11:19 CEB

God has everything under control and and is always making things better. Write down what He tells you in prayer. Learn to listen carefully:
8. Then the one seated on the throne said, "Look! I'm making all things new." He also said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
–Revelation 21:5 CEB

Suffer the setbacks to His glory. Everything passes through His Hands for our benefit, even the hard to take:
9. I believe that the present suffering is nothing compared to the coming glory that is going to be revealed to us.
–Romans 8:38 CEB

We are new creations in Christ our Lord, show others the hope of glory that is in you by living an exemplary life. It is never to late to start:
10. May the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ be blessed! On account of his vast mercy, he has given us new birth. You have been born anew into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
–1 Peter 1:3 CEB

May the God of Creation, Christ our Lord, bless you abundantly in the New Year! 
Ted

It's Christmas...And The World Is Not At Peace

I remember some saying that "if Obama were to be elected President of the United States the world could be at peace. Men of all races and color would join hand in hand toward a more noble future." Just to prove the point that this man of letters could bring peace, he was given the Nobel Peace Prize based not on what he actually accomplished but what the world expected him to accomplish-HE DIDN'T! But this is not a blog to slam the many failures of our current President. He has done so many things wrong that even the so-called LEFT can scarcely defend him. Remember though, that he is a man, only a man with limited ability to change the world around us. Men with a skewed vision can shape some of the nation's circumstances but everything is really in flux anyway. According to the List Of Ongoing Conflicts, 66 countries are presently at war and a 669 factions are warring with each other ( http://www.warsintheworld.com/?page=static1258254223 )!!! The world scans the political horizon looking for some kind of non-religious or religious Messiah to bind us together in harmony and bring peace to a terribly fractured world. 

So for now, this minute, what do we need to focus on? What will bring change to potential catastrophes, hopelessness, loneliness, hate, division, anger, and apathy. So many today are feeling these emotions and yes especially apathy because they have lost hope.

Question: Why should we even consider the celebration of the Christians idea of Christmas? 

Over 2000 years ago a baby came into the world that Christian Bible calls Emmanuel (God with us) and still all those terrible things mentioned above are still plaguing mankind. Time has changed only the players not the events nor the activities. There are so many world religions who claim to have the truth that hate for all things religious has become in vogue. However, even secularism has no real answers...never has and never will. The world-at-large seems about to combust into a possible world war again-maybe even a nuclear war! This world and its people hang upon a slippery precipice that looks down into a fiery, cauldron of possible utter destruction. If that isn't enough, so-called global warming will bring desolation and famine. If that doesn't do it then the Caldera in Yellowstone National Park that measures 34 by 45 miles contains a super volcano whose fury could decimate and change the world's economy and the ability to even grow food to sustain us. According to scientists millions world-wide will die in the first year. So, what changed when a baby called Jesus came into the world? The question remains, in light of all this terrible danger, why should we even consider celebrating the birth of the so called God/Man, Jesus, the Christ? What does this Emmanuel do that is so radically different from what other religions claim?

Dr. R.C. Sproul says, "What we celebrate at Christmas is not so much the birth of a baby, as important as that is, but what’s so significant about the birth of that particular baby is that in this birth we have the incarnation of God Himself. An incarnation means a coming in the flesh. We know how John begins His gospel, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” So in that very complicated introductory statement, he distinguishes between the Word and God, and then in the next breath identifies the two, “The Word was with God, and the Word was God.” And then at the end of the prologue, he says, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” Now in this “infleshment,” if you will, of Christ appearing on this planet, it’s not that God suddenly changes through a metamorphosis into a man, so that the divine nature sort of passes out of existence or comes into a new form of fleshiness. No, the incarnation is not so much a subtraction as it is an addition, where the eternal second person of the Trinity takes upon Himself a human nature and joins His divine nature to that human nature for the purpose of redemption."

Without putting down other religions, I will simply state a word of great importance: HOPE! You see, unlike other religions where man strives to obtain godliness, God, the Father, reached down and gave a child of His own making. Born to die for all mankind to ultimately redeem us from a world gone mad. You see, this child had to be fully God and fully man or his death would be meaningless. Any man can die for another but it takes a God who understands our nature, who is tempted as we, and yet lives a sinless life to save a whole world from the sins we suffer from. It takes a God who takes the sting out of death to deliver us to Himself whole and righteous in His eyes because He paid the price. A blood-bought sacrifice one time for all man-kind if we would choose to believe. Jesus left no option as to how we were to be saved from a sinful world-through the Son alone. No other faith will save you, but He made it so simple to begin that process of change in our lives. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved-not to live as you please! Let God's word transform your thinking into His way of thinking. We will never attain perfection as humans in this world, try as might wish to think so. But in God's eyes we are perfect in Him because of Him and what He did for us. God reached down to men and healed our condition if we would simply believe on Jesus the Christ. Now that is quite a gift and worthy of celebration!

So if I do this will all my troubles be over? Will I no longer mess up my life or others? Will the world suddenly heal its brokenness and division? Will death no longer be something I have suffer? In a word, NO! You see, like it or not sin is real. It came into the world which is why we see mankind hate other mankind for various reasons. There will still be killing, stupidity, hate, anger, mistakes (honest and deliberate), all these things, but the difference will be in you. You will change and you will desire a better world, a better way of thinking and living, a better way of seeing things from God's perspective. Most importantly you will learn to love! Really love, even those who hate you because God's love will reside within. Will you be perfect...NOPE! Only in God's eyes because you are a work of The Potter's Hand under construction every day. His shaping and molding is sometimes painful, but the pain brings reward...eternal life with a God who gave a great gift to mankind to draw us to Him. 

Yes, It's almost Christmas Day and the world is not at peace, but my friend, you can be if you will only trust in the Name above all names, Jesus the Christ.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and the peace of God within,
Ted

A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in your Church:

I make no apologies for addressing this blog mainly to Christians but there are many truths in here that apply to persons of other faiths or no particular faith. Domestic Abuse is more prevalent now than at any other time. Even though there is education for abused women, many refuse to believe they are in abusive relationships or if they do believe it their fear of dealing with it is greater than their understanding of the seriousness of it. There are many forms of abuse and they are listed here: Rachel Miller is not just someone who writes about it but has experienced domestic abuse. There are MONSTERS in your congregations who prey on their wives and children. They are not always the gruff and obvious. Many are professionals. They hide their true personalities until they get within the confines of their domain. How does one recognize them? How do they perform their abuse? How do you define abuse and abusers?

Abuse then, is a mentality of entitlement and superiority in which an abuser uses various tactics to obtain and enforce unjustified power and control over another person. The abuser thinks that he is absolutely justified in using these tactics to maintain this power and control over his victim. Abuse is effected in many ways: both physical (including sexual) and non-physical (verbal). It can be active (physically or verbally) or passive (not speaking, not acting). Abuse, therefore, is not limited to physical assault. Indeed, the non-physical forms of abuse often are far more damaging, deceptive, and cruel (18). While many days with your abuser may seem good they cannot outweigh even a day of evil perpetrated on you or your children. They are truly monsters and need to be dealt with.



http://theaquilareport.com/a-cry-for-justice-how-the-evil-of-domestic-abuse-hides-in-your-church-a-review/

A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in your Church: A Review

Victims of abuse are often discounted by their churches

Written by Rachel Miller | Monday, May 13, 2013

The local church is one of the favorite hiding places of the abusive person. Conservative, Bible-believing religion is his frequent choice of facade. Within the evangelical church, women (and sometimes men) are being terribly abused in their homes and marriages. The children of such abusers are suffering as well. And when those victims come to their churches, to their pastors, and to their fellow Christians, pleading for help, well … Victims of abuse are often discounted by their churches (12).

A couple of months ago, I was contacted by a reader of this blog and asked if I would be willing to read and review his book on abuse and the church. The author, Jeff Crippen, is a pastor and former police officer. His book, A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in your Church, was written after his church went through a terrible and eye-opening experience. Pastor Crippen’s desire is to equip pastors, elders, church leaders, and even church members to recognize the signs of abuse and to be prepared to help the victims.

I agreed to read Pastor Crippen’s book, and he was kind enough to send me a copy. After reading it, I decided to write a series of articles addressing the main themes of the book. The first article, this one, will be on the basic premise of the book: what is an abuser, what typically happens in a church when a victim seeks help, and how to help a vicitim. The second will be on recognizing and dealing with abusers in other relationships. The third will be on the very sensitive topic of divorce, remarriage, and abuse.

First off let me say that I highly recommend Pastor Crippen’s book. It is an extremely important topic, and I believe all pastors and anyone else in leadership would benefit from reading this book. Pastor Crippen’s website, A Cry for Justice, is also a great resource for those who would like additional information.

Now, to get down to the purpose of this article, Pastor Crippen begins his book by explaining that there is a growing problem within the evangelical church:

The local church is one of the favorite hiding places of the abusive person. Conservative, Bible-believing religion is his frequent choice of facade. Within the evangelical church, women (and sometimes men) are being terribly abused in their homes and marriages. The children of such abusers are suffering as well. And when those victims come to their churches, to their pastors, and to their fellow Christians, pleading for help, well … Victims of abuse are often discounted by their churches (12).

According to Pastor Crippen, the church doesn’t understand the true nature of abuse and the effects abuse has on its victims. (128) His goal in writing, then, is “to educate the reader in the nature and tactics and mentality of abuse and, in doing so, to help us all to come to understand the pathology of this unique sin (15).”

So what, then, is an abuser? How does one recognize him? [As Pastor Crippen points out, the vast majority of abusers are men. Because of this and for the sake of brevity, he (and I) will use the masculine pronouns, although we are not suggesting that men are the only ones who are abusers.] Pastor Crippen spends a good majority of the book explaining the “tactics and mentality” of abusers. Here is a brief definition of “abuse” and “abuser”:

Abuse then, is a mentality of entitlement and superiority in which an abuser uses various tactics to obtain and enforce unjustified power and control over another person. The abuser thinks that he is absolutely justified in using these tactics to maintain this power and control over his victim. Abuse is effected in many ways: both physical (including sexual) and non-physical (verbal). It can be active (physically or verbally) or passive (not speaking, not acting). Abuse, therefore, is not limited to physical assault. Indeed, the non-physical forms of abuse often are far more damaging, deceptive, and cruel (18).

And,

An abuser is a person whose mentality, mindset, and even worldview is dominated by:

• Power
• Control
• Entitlement (to that power and control)
• Justification (in enforcing that power and control) (19)

Pastor Crippen points out that “it is a serious mistake to assume an abuser thinks like everyone else does.” (19) An abuser has no problems doing horrible things to others and then sleep like a baby at night, without any remorse or attacks of conscience. (42) This is because very often abusers “operate in a world largely or entirely devoid of a functional conscience.” (48) Because of this abusers do not act like everyone else, instead they:

• Lack shame.
• Have no empathy.
• Experience little or not real anxiety.
• Display false repentance very convincingly.
• Lie, even in the face of plain facts that controvert their lie.
• Use what appears to be real emotion or feeling, but in fact is just an act designed to manipulate. (49)

Pastor Crippen believes, despite the fact that many of these abusers are members of churches, that abusers are very likely unregenerate as they do not show evidence of saving grace or true repentance. (43)

While I’m sure that certain abusive tactics are familiar to most people, Pastor Crippen give a list of common tactics used by abusers. Some of these are: controlling the activities of others, abusing things that belong to the victim, harsh criticism (usually with very vulgar language) of victims physical appearance, isolating his victim, sleep deprivation, keeping his victim in poverty, preventing adequate medical care, cruelty to pets, and alienating the children from the victim. (33-34)

There is a great deal more information in A Cry for Justice on the tactics and mentality of abusers. It’s important to remember that not all abusers will use exactly the same tactics. However, after familiarizing yourself with the typical behaviors described in the book, you will be much more aware of the warning signs.

One of the main reasons that Pastor Crippen wrote A Cry for Justiceis that all too often churches, pastors, and well-meaning Christians end up hurting victims and protecting abusers. Here is an example from the book that outlines what happens when a victim comes to her church for help:

1. Victim reports abuse to her pastor.

2. Pastor does not believe her claims, or at least believes they are greatly exaggerated. After all, he “knows” her husband to be one of the finest Christian men he knows, a pillar of the church.

3. Pastor minimizes the severity of the abuse. His goal is often, frankly, damage control (to himself and to his church).

4. Pastor indirectly (or not so indirectly!) implies that the victim needs to do better in her role as wife and mother and as a Christian. He concludes that all such scenarios are a “50/50” blame sharing.

5. Pastor sends the victim home, back to the abuser, after praying with her and entrusting the problem to the Lord.

6. Pastor believes he has done his job.

7. Victim returns, reporting that nothing has changed. She has tried harder and prayed, but the abuse has continued.

8. Pastor decides to do some counseling. …

9. As time passes, the victim becomes the guilty party in the eyes of the pastor and others. She is the one causing the commotion. She is pressured by the pastor and others int he church to stop rebelling, to submit to her husband, and stop causing division in the church.

10. After more time passes, the victim separates from or divorces the abuser. The church has refused to believe her, has persistently covered up the abuse, has failed to obey the law and report the abuse to the police, and has refused to exercise church discipline against the abuser. Ironically, warnings of impending church discipline are often directed against the victim!

11. The final terrible injustice is that the victim is the one who must leave the church, while the abuser remains a member in good standing, having successfully duped the pastor and church into believing that his victim was the real problem (21-22).

It may sound far-fetched, but I know of a woman whose experience fits this to a “T.” This is the all too common experience for many, many women (and some men) in our churches. This should not be so.

So, how then can churches, pastors, and concerned Christians help the victims of abuse? The first step is to become very familiar with the tactics and mentality of abusers. Books such as A Cry for Justiceor Barbara Roberts’ book, Not Under Bondage, can help a educate leaders and others on what abuse looks like and how abusers and their victims often behave.

When a victim comes to you for help, you will need to be ready. Pastor Crippen lays out some guidelines to help leaders do the right thing. The first is to believe the victim. Pastor Crippen points out that this is not blind acceptance but that “in most cases those who report abuse are speaking with honesty.” (186) Other guidelines include not being swayed based on who the abuser is, understanding that all forms of abuse (not just physical or sexual) are serious, reporting abuse to police and allowing the justice system to act, protecting the victim from accusations, a warning not to attempt to cover up the abuse, and preaching on the topic of abuse to prepare and protect your congregation. (186-188)

In addition to giving guidelines on how to help victims, Pastor Crippen also gives a list of rules for how to deal with abusers:

1. Question everything. Even “facts” he states with absolute confidence.
2. Believe nothing without corroboration.
3. Assume he is attempting to deceive you.
4. Accept nothing less than full, unqualified repentance.
5. Do not pity him, no matter how emotional he might be.
6. Accept no excuses.
7. Do not let him blame others. (237-238)

If this seems harsh to you, remember the definition of abuse and the abuser:

Abuse then, is a mentality of entitlement and superiority in which an abuser uses various tactics to obtain and enforce unjustified power and control over another person. The abuser thinks that he is absolutely justified in using these tactics to maintain this power and control over his victim. Abuse is effected in many ways: both physical (including sexual) and non-physical (verbal). It can be active (physically or verbally) or passive (not speaking, not acting). Abuse, therefore, is not limited to physical assault. Indeed, the non-physical forms of abuse often are far more damaging, deceptive, and cruel (18).

Abusers are not acting and thinking like everyone else.

In closing, I’d like to say to anyone who recognizes her (or his) situation in reading this article, to please seek help. There are good resources available to you. If your church will not help, please find one that will. Pastor Crippen’s website may help you as well. My prayers are with you.

Lord willing, parts two and three of this review will be finished soon.

Rachel Miller is News Editor for the Aquila Report. She is also a homeschooling mother of 3 boys and member of a PCA church in Spring, Texas. This article first appeared at her blog, A Daughter of the Reformation, and is used with permission.

Related Posts:

• Proverbs 18:17 — A Verse often Misused to Hurt Abuse…
• Abusers in the Church
• How Church Bullies and Abusers Deceive Us
• Divorce, Remarriage, and Abuse
• Beware Of Those Who Never Admit Fault

It is almost Christmas time. I am asking those in abusive situations to give themselves and those they care for the gift of freedom from abuse. Begin the New Year with hope for a better future. Trust that God knows your situation and will be a present help. Be strong! Like Rachel, my prayers are with you all. If your church will not help you by dealing harshly with your abuser LEAVE! Tell your family and friends about the abuse. Don't let your abuser hide in obscurity. Expose them for what they are!

See you next blog,

Ted

The Christmas Nightmare For Some

It's almost Christmas! Good cheer and love for mankind is at hand...but not in every home! According to one agency, Domestic Abuse Program there were 17,667 calls of domestic abuse. That is only one fifth of the abuses that occur. In fact, 4000 women in the U.S. die each year from domestic abuse. Here is a reminder of what domestic abuse is and the stats:

Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS: 

•  A pattern of behaviors including a variety of tactics - some physically injurious and some not, some criminal and some not - carried out in multiple, sometimes daily episodes. 
•  A pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion. (NOTE) Yes, there is such a thing as marital rape. It is forced or demand sex when there is no consent and the police should become involved.
• A combination of physical force and terror used by the perpetrator that causes physical and psychological harm to the victim and children. 
• A pattern of purposeful behavior, directed at achieving compliance from or control over the victim. 
• Behaviors perpetrated by adults or adolescents against their intimate partner in current or former dating, married or cohabiting relationships of heterosexuals, gays and lesbians. 

Prepared by Anne L. Ganley, Ph.D. for the Family Violence Prevention Fund

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS

• One out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.
• Battering is the single major cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, muggings and auto accidents combined.
• A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person.
• About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence.
• Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.
• Seventy-three percent of male abusers were abused as children.
• Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband in the past year.
• Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
• On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.
• Intimate partner violence a crime that largely affects women. In 1999, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence.
• On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.
• Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship.

Here is the sad news...most abused partners prefer to stay in the relationship. An article by Time Magazine on September 9, 2014 points out the problems that are still prevalent today:

After a video was released showing Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching his then-fiancée, now-wife Janay Palmer so hard that he knocked her unconscious, victims of domestic abuse took to Twitter to explain why Palmer still decided to become Mrs. Rice after the incident. Some on Twitter shared their own experiences with the hashtag #WhyIStayed. There have been over 92,000 tweets on the subject since 1 a.m. Monday when the video was posted (follow the Twitter conversation in the graphic above).

The tweets give a chilling insight into why many women (and some men) feel trapped in relationships of domestic abuse. Beverly Gooden, a writer who started #WhyIStayed on Twitter, writes on her site that for her, leaving an abusive situation was “a process, not an event.” She explained in a series of tweets the many reasons it took her so long to get out: she once tried to leave the house, but her abuser slept in front of the door to block her; a pastor told her that God hates divorce; her husband said he would change; she needed time to find a place to go and money to survive once she left; she thought love conquered all; she was isolated from friends and family who lived halfway across the country.

Gooden’s story is a common one. One in three women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, and it is one of the most chronically under reported crimes: only about one quarter of all physical assaults, one fifth of all rapes and one half of all stalkings are reported to the police.

Experts say that the limitations of leaving can be both psychological and physical. Many rationalize their situation. “People wind up blaming themselves for the abusive behavior of their partners,” says Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School. “They convince themselves if they approach the person differently, maybe they won’t be abused.”

Malkin likened a relationship with an abusive partner to gambling addiction: “The person being abused is focused on the positive and waiting for the next positive. There’s a psychological effect like gambling: the moments of tenderness and intimacy are unpredictable, but they are so intense and fulfilling that the victim winds up staying in the hopes that a moment like that will happen again.”

“People come to accept subtler forms of physical abuse at first, and very often it’s both people in the relationship who are doing that sort of thing,” he says. “So they tell themselves, ‘Okay I did sort of push him or her, so it’s kind of my fault that they knocked me out.’ It’s of course both partner’s responsibility to establish a sense of emotional and physical safety in the relationship. But the responsibility of a person who lashes out in such a violent manner as Ray Rice did in the video, that falls entirely to that person.”

Sometimes abusers will use the victims’ rationalizations to their advantage. Studies have also shown that domestic abuse and emotional abuse go hand-in-hand. According to the NCADV, psychological terrorism  can keep victims from leaving unsafe marriages: tactics include limiting food purchases, constant tirades, demeaning comments, economic abuse by enforcing unreasonable budgets, restricting or criticizing trips to the doctor or getting medicine; sleep deprivation; total or partial isolation by criticizing their spouses family; unbiblical or unreasonable religious accusations, self pity and reverse victimization as a form of control, extortion or blackmail; taking the children, murder of pets; physical violence; and rape. Studies show that abused women often experience a kind of Stockholm Syndrome in which a victim comes to identify with and become attached to a captor. 

Even abused partners who manage to leave their abusers stay on the fringes of the relationship because of self-doubt. They have been conditioned not to trust their own reasoning. Many simply give up and go back and live a miserable existence. They no longer report their abuses and many end up physically injured or dead.

Many of these male abusers consider themselves benevolent because they don't see what they do as abuse. Many don't hit, at least not yet. In fact, many are shocked to be considered abusers. Some are blatant abusers, but many are controlling, manipulative monsters who hide behind faces of success. Some even go church and hold offices within the church. When caught and called down for it, they maintain they do what they have to do to keep things running smoothly-their definition of smoothly. 

This Christmas, if you are in an abusive relationship or still on the "fringes" of an abusive marriage. Seek good, solid counsel for yourself. Many of the abuse hotlines have counselor phone numbers. Talk to your family and friends and let them know what is going on-refuse to hide abuse. If you're a Christian I would tell you to go to your pastor as well, however many churches are not set up to deal with domestic abuse. There are some very good independent Christian counselors in your phone book. While marriage is sacred to God it is not eternal when dealing with a "manipulative, controlling and dangerous monster" who mouthed the words of love but only put you in the cycle of abuse. Physical abuse is only one of the abuses you might see as dangerous, in fact, emotional, sexual, and economic abuse cause terrible harm as you have seen in the above article. Get help and get free!

See you next blog,

Ted