What Does a Christian Family Look Like- A Grace Perspective

As a Biblical counselor I can recall the one thing that domineering and egotistical males could recite was the verses on submission. They would use these verses to bolster their authority, however their actions in the home clearly reflected a lack of Christ-likeness.  They would actually get indignant when I refused to take up their cause. You see gentlemen, the act of submission is this way: as the man submits his will to Christ and humbles himself as a shepherd-leader by example in the home, then and only then would a wife be willing to submit to his headship. You see a leader who commands but does not lead by example is not submissive to the will of Christ. Jesus humbled himself to leave the glory He shared with the Father to take on mortal flesh, live a perfect life so he could become that sinless lamb needed for sacrifice once for all, suffer horribly unto death at the hands of the creation He came to save. Gentlemen, until you are willing to die to self, and leave all your wants, wishes, and dreams at the foot of the cross and live sacrificially for those of your household you are not worthy of respect or submission! Something to consider guys...meekness does not imply weakness.

Meet Pastor Sam Nunnally:

Okay, on to the famous marriage passage in Ephesians 5:18-33 (NLT):

“Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts…And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.…In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

 ”As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

 There’s a lot in here to digest but let’s just pull some of the most overlooked parts out for a minute. Most pastors start with verse 22 – the part about wives submitting to husbands, passing over the preceding verses that qualify it. The whole passage starts where Paul talks about being filled with the Spirit.  What does he mean? He gives us an example – drunkenness, actually. When someone is inebriated, they have assigned their will over to a chemical that makes their decisions for them.  We call this impaired judgment – others call it being smashed.  In the same way, being filled with the Spirit is to allow the Spirit to affect your decisions and life strategies.  Make sense? We are to be “filled with the Spirit” to the point where it affects our judgment. It’s not coincidence that the grammar in the original here has a fluid, loose feel to it almost as if Paul was writing in a drunken way to convey his point.

Next, before Paul says anything about wives submitting, he states in verse 21 that we are to submit to “one another in the fear of the Lord” (NKJV). Here we have mutual voluntary submission - a state of equality and interdependence under the Lord (similar to the concept of the social Trinity I might add…). Paul doesn’t say anything about the husband being higher up on the ladder of spiritual maturity than the wife. They receive equal investment under God.  After addressing this mutual submission under God, only then does Paul delve into the specifics of marriage.

Over the next few verses the smallest words become the most important. Paul admonishes women to submit to their husbands “as to” the Lord. The husband is the “head…as also Christ is head” of the church. “As” the church follows Christ, “so” wives follow their husbands. Husbands should love their wives “just as” Christ does the church. All of these small words qualify the relationship – husbands are to represent the love of Christ for the church. To the extent that they do this, women are encouraged to follow. When Paul says that the husband is “head” of the wife, the actual word means to lead by example. This what headship actually means. When the example of husbandry reflects to the love of Christ for believers, wives are certainly willing to follow one who leads by example.

It’s important to note that Paul was not describing the marriages he saw at Ephesus. He was describing what Christian marriage should look like as men and women grow into spiritual maturity. Of course, the vision that Paul puts forward takes time to develop. I know that it did for us (and still is). Particularly, it took one spouse’s willingness to overhaul their own approach to marriage before the other caught up. That idea scares spouses – what if I make myself vulnerable and they take advantage of it? At first, you can be sure that they will.  But if “the goodness of God leads to repentance” in a person’s life, that same model will transform a marriage. God’s risk can also be yours.

In the end, Christian marriage should look like this: two people madly in love with God to the point that it affects how they treat each other. Made in the image of God, these two believers honor each other in the ebb and flow of life. Rather than squaring off against one another and digging in for a fight, they lay their own opinions aside. Then they do one of two things: 1) they defer to the other or 2) they pray for God’s guidance as their answer. Either way they are not individuals but a team working towards a common goal. The two have become one flesh…

The key to all of this is “as to…so.” In a Christian’s life, the depth of relationship they have with the Father spills over into their relationship with their spouse. Rather than the Western notion of priorities in order, see God as the center of a wheel with marriage as one of many “spokes” originating from it. Or as water spilling over a bathtub. Depth with God creates depth everywhere else.

Well said Pastor Sam! See you all next blog,
Ted

Submission vs. Coercion in Marriage- A Grace Perspective

There are so many dysfunctional marriages in the world. The men who lead these families have no idea what real "servant leadership" works like. They make demands and expect everyone to fall in line. When they finally lose their family because of foolish thinking and behavior they want to blame everyone but their own selfish stupidity. "WHAT WENT WRONG?" they asked bitterly. They went to church every Sunday...well at least most Sundays but they would not serve others. Most worked hard and made a good living, sure they spent most of the money on themselves because they worked so hard, but "hey, she had a nice roof over her head clothes to wear and food to eat." Some even gave up some weekends to go on vacations but they were in a hurry to get it over with so they could go play. Some nurtured  their bodies so their wives would see them as "hot at any age," however that meant they spent less time nurturing their children and wives needs and spent more time in front of the mirror admiring themselves. Unfortunately for them it cost them a close relationship with the one they most wanted to impress. The church told them that no matter what they were like that their wives had to submit to them even if they didn't like the man they had become...

Meet Pastor Sam Nunnally-GraceWorks Church, Tallahassee, FL.

My wife(Beth) and I have been married for about eight years. The first two years were hell on earth. Here’s why: we are both “type A” personalities. When we got married, as strong Christians, we assumed that God would automatically adjust our personalities to mesh in a glorious fashion.  That’s didn’t happen – I was offering her a divorce by the end of the first year!

Slowly over time, we developed an understanding of what godly marriage might look like. Surprisingly it looked nothing like what we saw in the church. The majority of spousal teaching we had acquired over the years taught the exact opposite of what we found to be true for us.  I want to share some of that here and in the next post as well.

The biggest problem surrounding Christian marriage teaching is the understanding of the word “submission.” I know…it conjures up images of wives waiting on husbands hand and foot, just happy to be alive serving their spouse and children in the name of the Lord.  I actually saw a blog on here last week written by a female that attempted to talk women into exactly that…like if you say it over and over to yourself it will sound more palatable! One line in her blog said, "If wives would just submit to their husbands even when they don’t want to, they would find enjoyment and fulfillment in the act." For the record, that concept makes most sane Christian women want to puke – and for good reason.  Submission, as it is generally understood in church circles, has ruined the true definition of biblical submission. Mostly because it was made up by men and taught by men to get what men have wanted: their wives to do their bidding, especially in bed!

Rather, what some churches have taught is “coercion” or “compliance” the act of making another person do your will even when don’t want to. I have actually been personally told, “you can’t submit until you disagree.” The problem with Christian men who teach such phrases is that they have no intention of listening to what you have to say in the first place. Most people assume that God requires submission in the same way – a subtle form of coercion. Like a boss at work, he makes decisions that you are expected to comply with even when they rob your emotional and physical vitality for some unknown purpose.  Usually such admonishments to submit by Christians are shrouded in mysterious phrases like, “it’s for your own good,” “you’ll see the benefits in the future” or “all things work together for good…” Who’s good are we talking about here?

Truthfully, God calls us to submit to him and to one another, to the extent that we trust God and others are acting our best interests. Submission merely means to voluntarily become vulnerable to the actions of another. However, God never says to follow someone who has not earned that submission. My wife is happy to follow my lead as long as she knows my intentions are for her betterment and not at her or our children’s expense. I  expect her to submit (voluntarily open herself up) to me only to the extent that I am submitted to God. Furthermore, she doesn’t have to do what I say unless she believes I am fully informed of her and our children’s wishes AND actively involved in their lives. Husbands who do not fall into those categories should never ask for their families’ submission.

I want to concentrate on that famous submission passage in Ephesians 5, but a summary verse for a husbands role in marriage in found in Galatians 5:13. “…do not use liberty as an opporunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Listen up fellas – women have an internal barometer that tells them where your affections lie. They know when you don't truly love them but want what they can give you instead! Their intuition tells them whether your heart values their input or not. If they feel that you are using the headship of your home as an “opportunity for the flesh” – to meet your own short range, inconsiderate goals – they will buck you every time. God made them like that! SEX IS NOT LOVE-NEVER HAS BEEN AND IT NEVER WILL BE! Men who “through love serve” their families never have to ask for submission from them. His family immediately supports his decision because they trust his intentions are true. A husband who has his families’ trust rarely asks anything from that trust unless its absolutely necessary. On those rare occasions, they submit – voluntarily opening themselves up to your decisions – trusting that you will prize their volition. The husband that follows God will honor that trust, never capitalizing on it. Taking their cues from Dad, the other members of the family serve each other in love as well…and the cycle for healthy family submission starts over again.

See you next post where Sam looks at Ephesians 5:18-33…

Wisdom And Best Laid Plans

Have you ever talked to or tried to reason with a fool? Their reasoning is...well...UNREASONABLE! The Bible warns throughout Proverbs that avoiding a fool is the best remedy to prevent confusion and heartache. Perhaps you know one intimately? The New Testament gives us practical ways to understand that a fool's reasoning is folly and not to follow it. Fools have no grace for those of the faith...you will never measure up to a fool's reasoning and yet they do not hold the same standard for themselves. In other words they lack WISDOM, the most important kind...Biblical WISDOM!

To suggest that wisdom is always balanced seems to me to be a bit, well, unbalanced. Whoever first uttered the words of wisdom, “moderation in all things,” should, I believe, have healed himself. All things? Isn’t that a bit extreme? In like manner, wisdom is almost always balanced. We need to measure the wisdom of looking before we leap with the equally potent conviction that he who hesitates is lost. We need to remember, as we loudly affirm that we ought not answer a fool according to his folly lest we be like him, that we ought to answer a fool according to his folly lest he become wise in his own eyes (Prov. 26: 4–5).

Jesus, who is wisdom incarnate, wisely tells us that we must consider the cost. Only a fool would destroy his household and those within it by living out condescending behavior but it is done every day in homes all around the world. Don't believe it can happen in your own home...just listen to the conversation of your children and what they watch on TV and where they go on YouTube for entertainment. How do you suppose Jackass, the movie, got such a high following? Emergency rooms are filled with fools who can't help but demonstrate their prowess at being IDIOTS! Where does the Shepherd of your home go to gain his wisdom to pass on to your children? Is prayer and reading of the Word an important part of daily family activity? Only a fool would set about the business of building a tower without first determining if he had the money to complete the job. You see that also applies to counting the cost of growing and nurturing a family. What kind of college education have you and your children discussed? Are they heading in a direction that will be pleasing to God? Will they grow in stature and wisdom in the same manner that our Lord grew up or become painfully materialistic and spoiled? Planning for our future, according to Jesus, is good and proper. Out of this wisdom we have with all due wisdom extrapolated our calling to set goals before us, to look beyond today, to discern the times. This same Jesus, however, speaking through James His brother, says, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’ — yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil” (James 4:13–16). Are you boasting in your arrogance that you have stored up for yourselves treasures on earth or humbled yourselves and submitted to God's plan of building treasures in heaven?

It is a great thing to plan, to lay down your hopes and aspirations. It is a great thing, in fact, not just to hope for a particular destination but to map out the steps that will get you there. It is, however, incumbent upon us to do this as creatures, as vapor. We must remember our frame. We must remember that we simply propose while God disposes. If the Lord wills, we will do this or that. If, however, the Lord wills differently, His plans will supersede our own. Not only ought we to pray, “nevertheless not my will but Thine be done,” but we ought also to pray knowing that His sovereign will, in fact, will be done.

If we would plan in accordance with God’s plan, we must first know what God’s plan is. As an example: He has not told us that we will go into such and such a city, buy and sell and make a profit. He has not told us that my 17 year-old daughter will marry her 18 year-old neighbor, and the two of them will build their home on the back side of our property. He has not told us that my 14 year-old son will thrive in a particular line of work, and will, along with his own as yet unborn children, seize that whole industry for the kingdom of God. He has not told us that once we have seized this industry we will cooperate with the plan set in motion by Brother Jones fifty years ago so that we can together seize that other cultural doodad for Jesus. It is a shameful thing to be shortsighted. It is likewise an arrogant thing to boast that you can see far into the future.

God’s secret plan is just that — secret. We don’t know His strategy, how He will move in this coming year, decade, or century. God’s revealed plan is, well, that which has been revealed. He has told us what is required of us — that we do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him (Mic. 6:8). He has told us the sum of the matter — that we should fear Him and obey all that He commands (Eccl. 12:13). He has called us to go into all the nations, baptizing them, teaching them to obey all that He has commanded (Matt. 28:19–20). He has told us that we ought not worry about what we will eat or about what our great grandchildren will eat. The Gentiles worry about such things. No, our calling is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matt. 6:33). Our prayer and plan should be that every day we would grow more faithful in this calling, that I would set the example in my own life and in turn encourage those of my household in the same direction. Our prayer and plan should be that all of us, as long as life should last, will encourage our children and their children along this same path. He may call our children to the mission field. He may call us to the mission field. He may call us to suffer this illness or that. He may call all or some of us home. But as long as we live, we are all called to grow in grace and wisdom.

Here is why wisdom dictates that we be equally yoked with a mate who shares our convictions to serve the Lord Jesus Christ. This, we highly resolve — that we would seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. We resolve to teach our children to do the same by example, and to teach their children to do the same. If we would but keep this one resolution, we would witness worldwide revolution. Better yet, we would enjoy a new reformation. May God give us the grace and wisdom on how to be extremists where we ought to be yet seasoned with love for those to whom we are sent to speak to, that we would always seek out wisdom and rest in His finished work.

See you next blog,
Ted

Plain Speaking vs Mealy-mouthed speaking

Definition of plain is:

    1.Not intricate or difficult; evident; manifest; obvious;
      clear; unmistakable. "'T is a plain case." --Shak.
      [1913 Webster]

   2.(a) Void of extraneous beauty or ornament; without
          conspicious embellishment; not rich; simple.
      (b) Not highly cultivated; unsophisticated; free from show
          or pretension; simple; natural; homely; common. "Plain
          yet pious Christians." --Hammond. "The plain people."
          --A. Lincoln.
      (c) Free from affectation or  beings disguise; candid; sincere;
          artless; honest; frank. "An honest mind, and plain."
          --Shak.

meal·y-mouthed
mee-lee-moutht, -mouthd]  Show IPA

adjective

avoiding the use of direct and plain language, as from timidity,excessive delicacy, or hypocrisy; inclined to mince words;insincere, devious, or compromising.

How do you like the definition of mealy-mouthed? 

All of us need learn when we are being spoken to in a way that offends. Especially the offense of mealy-mouthed speaking. We are imperfect beings but we are expected to live up to standards that we are not truly capable of in and of ourselves. However that is no excuse for speaking half-truths or speaking in a manner just to please others when in fact we believe something very different. How many times have you heard difficult yet intricate speeches or just flowery words from someone that you really want to believe and so we give ourselves over to trusting that the person speaking is sincere and we give up our God-given cautions and believe. It happens every day in every home and every workplace. Words have value, but only as much as the integrity behind them! Our opinions have worth but only as much as we are able to understand what integrity really is. Opinions have to have a basis in which to measure their worth. If your opinions are based on false information or information that flatters instead of real truth then you have been misinformed and worse...lied to!!!!

I can't think of anything worse in a relationship than someone who only tells half-truths or hides information just to keep the peace or to hide their real intention. Why? Because it keeps us from being truly intimate.If we refuse to speak plainly it allows a fool to believe they are correct in their thinking! Jesus spoke plainly to the sinner and gave them reason to trust. He spoke plainly to the religious overly pious leaders of the day and let them know they lived a false faith. If the person we love as a friend or a spouse keeps information from us to keep from dealing with truth then we miss the opportunity to grow as friends or as a couple. Likewise if you refuse to speak plainly to those who are foolish in their thinking we leave them with the impression that we trust their words and manner of dealing with us.

Speak plain when you talk to those you care about or to those who are offensive to you. Plain speaking leaves no room for error or misquotes. Give them permission to speak plainly to you as well.

See you next blog,
Ted

Why is Codependency So Dangerous?

Well I had planned on doing a Part II to my blog but then I saw a blog that really addresses how codependency works on the unsuspecting! You see, codependency is devastating in it's reach into our identity. Those who would trap you into codependency are literally stealing your life from you!

Why is Codependency So Dangerous?
by Dr. Eric Andrews
Many people assume that codependency is a strictly passive condition, with the codependent only performing as a servant to the abuser/addict. In reality, codependency is a passive-aggressive condition, with the ABUSER/ENABLER controlling the addict through emotional and physical manipulation to include rage, violence, and threats demonstrating control. In an unhealthy relationship forged by codependency, the enabler/abuser needs the addict to remain unhealthy and dependent to maintain control. Depending on the type of abuser, they will try various means of remaining in control once the threat of loss of that control is apparent. Which is why it is so important to get completely away from the ABUSER! While many people feel a strong need to help a loved one in a time of personal crisis, a number of codependents see themselves as martyrs or self-sacrificing heroes because they endured the hardship of codependency of their abuser.. As a codependent of an abuser, caring for a person with a terribly dysfunctional psychological disorder helps define them as people worthy of respect, which they believe they wouldn't receive under healthier circumstances. This very same codependent personality now seeks others to become codependent upon and enable others to become codependent upon them. You can see how this is not a victimless disease!

Codependency is a learned behavior, with children observing the effects of addiction on their parents. A person who experienced a traumatic childhood involving sexual or physical abuse will often seek out a partner with substance abuse problems or anti-social behavior. The belief generated by codependency is that he or she will somehow be able to 'fix' this person's numerous issues. In actuality, these codependent relationships often crash and burn, leaving the codependent with even lower self-esteem. Since many codependents avoid interaction with healthy, well-adjusted people, the codependency cycle usually continues with a series of damaging relationships.

With the information above I would like my readers to redirect to a blog I have the absolute utmost respect for. The blog is by a friend of mine who has admitted to a codependent behavior and shares the devastation that it brings to those who allow codependency to occur.

Please read Laura's blog:

Daddy's Girl... or better yet, who I was and who I am becoming... Codependent no more

http://lifewithlaura2.blogspot.com/2012/10/daddys-girl-or-better-yet-who-i-was-and.html 

See you next blog,
Ted

How Can I Know If I Am Codependent?

PART 1 OF 2

"Codependency" is used to describe the condition where a person becomes the "caretaker" of an addicted or mentally troubled individual. The individual can be addicted to personality disorders such spousal or child abuse, alcohol, sex, drugs, or gambling.  Codependents can be this individual's spouse, lover, child, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend.

Codependency is not a word you would find in many dictionaries, nor is it a concept that is easy to define. Codependency has been described as an addiction, a disease, learned behaviors, a psychosocial condition, and a personality disorder. The term has been widely applied to define spouses of dysfunctional persons. More generally, codependency has been applied to individuals who suffer from constantly focusing on the needs and behaviors of others. Many professionals argue that individuals addicted to alcohol, work, food, narcissicism, sex, and shopping all suffer from the malady of codependency on their codependent partners. Codependent individuals from abusive circumstances become so preoccupied and focused on the needs of others that they neglect their own needs. Some mental health professionals even argue that codependency is the most common of all addictions. Is it possible that under every addiction lies elements of codependency? There are numerous definitions of codependency, and experts in the field do not agree on any specific definition.

Perhaps the reason codependency is hard to define is due to the fact that the term has emerged within recent history. Originally codependency was aimed to describe family members and spouses of chemically dependent individuals. Today the term is used more generally. Codependency refers to maladaptive behavior that results from a stressful preoccupation with another individual's life. Without treatment, codependency leads to dysfunctional relationships.

Some of these common characteristics are so broad that it can be argued that in one aspect or another nearly everyone could be codependent. Relationship difficulties are often a result of codependency. Codependency is a progressive disorder, but even in advanced stages it is important to remember that codependency is treatable if the codependent recognizes the need for help and can manage to distance themselves of their abusive relationships.

Codependency can be viewed as an illness with both psychological and physical implications. Certain psychological disorders are often associated with codependency. Some of these disorders include avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder,obsessive compulsive personality disorder, mixed personality disorder, dysthymic disorder, anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and addictive disorders. Recognizing the disorders that are often associated with codependency are important in diagnosis.

Physical illnesses starts to emerge during middle and advanced stages of codependence. Many codependents experience insomnia, heart arrhythmia, self neglect, fatigue, suppressed immune functioning that leads to cancer, and violent headaches. In later stages of codependency individuals may feel lethargic, depressed, or experience an eating disorder. The ramifications of codependency go beyond psychological symptoms. Because you have become the enabler to your dysfunctional perpetrator you become dependent upon protecting their behavior until you can no longer bear up to it. You have been so abused that you are unaware of how terribly you have been affected. The very first thing to go out the door, so to speak, is your identity. Your self-confidence is chipped away at by your abuser. You lose sight of the big picture of where you are headed as an individual. Feeling trapped by the very person you tried to protect, you begin to experience the symptoms mentioned above. The final result can be extreme mental illness and even death.

Below are typical roles that codependents play:


You become the enabler allowing the person to continue his or her self-destructive or troubled behavior, or denies that the person has a problem.

You become the rescuer makes excuses for the person's behavior, or saves the person from unpleasant situations, i.e., putting an alcoholic to bed after he/she passes out.
   
You become the caretaker that  takes care of all household and financial chores which hold the family together.

You become the joiner rationalizes that the person's behavior is normal by simply allowing it to take place or by taking part in the same behavior as the addicted or troubled individual to include illicit sexual behavior
   
You become the family hero,  the spiritual "super person" to preserve the family image.You believe it is your responsibility to hold your family together because of your abuser's neglect in family matters.
   
You allow your partner to become the complainer that blames their misery on you and makes you the scapegoat for all their problems.

You become the adjuster that fixes all the problems the abuser causes

Most codependents do not realize they have a codependency problem. They focus more energy on another's actions and needs than on their own. They think they are actually helping the troubled person, but they are not.

Questions to Ask Yourself:
Do you do 3 or more of the following?
   
Think more about another person's behavior and problems than about how they affect your own life.
   
Feel anxious about the addicted or troubled person's behavior and constantly have a need to check on that person to try to catch him or her in a bad behavior so you can justify your pain and misery the other individual causes you to feel?
   
Worry that if you stop trying to control the other person, he or she will fall apart?
Blame yourself for this person's problems?
   
Cover up or "rescue" this person when he or she is caught in a lie or other embarrassing situation such as abuse of family members or yourself related to his or her addiction or mental issues?   

Deny that this person has a "real" problem with their behavior, and become angry and/or defensive when others suggest there is an addiction or other abuse problem?

Doubt your own decision-making ability?

Note: You may not be truly codependent yet, but you should become aware of how your behavior may be enabling an addicted or mentally troubled individual.



Source: M-Care, University of Michigan.

           

False Guilt In The Believer

Written by Kerby Anderson
Probe Ministries

Introduction

Have you ever felt guilty? Of course you have, usually because you were indeed guilty. But what about those times when you have feelings of guilt even when you didn't do anything wrong or were abused by your spouse or family and you acted out because of the misery they projected on you? We would call this false guilt, and that is the subject of this essay.

False guilt usually comes from an overactive conscience. You have been criticized most of your life and made to feel unworthy and an under-achiever. It's that badgering, pushing voice you have been married to, or grown up with ringing in our ears that becomes our conscience and  runs you and your self-image into the ground. It nags: "You call this acceptable? You think this is enough? Look at all you've not yet done! Look at all you have done that's not acceptable! You have a long way to go for approval you better get busy!"

You probably know the feeling. You start the day feeling like you are in a hole. You feel like you can never do enough. You have this overactive sense of duty and can never seem to rest. One person said he "felt more like a human doing than a human being." Your behavior is driven by a sense of guilt. That is what we will be talking about in these pages. You know if you don't measure up to expectation you are going to hear about it from someone close to you.

Much of the material for this discussion is taken from the book entitled False Guilt by Steve Shores. His goal is to help you determine if you (1) have an overactive conscience and (2) are driven by false guilt. If these are problem areas for you, he provides practical solutions so you can break the cycle of false guilt. I recommend his book especially if you can recognize yourself in some of the material we cover in this essay.
In his book, Steve Shores poses three sets of questions, each with some explanation. An affirmative answer to any or all of these questions may indicate that you struggle with false guilt and an overactive conscience.

1. Do you ever feel like this: "Something is wrong with me. There is some stain on me, or something badly flawed that I can neither scrub out nor repair"? Does this feeling persist even though you have become a Christian?

2. Is Thanksgiving or Christmas sort of a difficult time of year for you? Do you find it hard to muster up the Norman Rockwell spirit--you know... Mom and Dad and grandparents and kids all seated around mounds of food? Dad is carving the turkey with a sure and gentle expression on his face, and everyone looks so...well, so thankful? In fact, the reality is that your family is highly dysfunctional because of over-controllers in the family that makes the season miserable. Yet somehow you are made to feel like it is your fault that everything is not perfect. Do you just try to make the best of a terrible situation, all the while feeling guilty that you could or should have done more? Maybe you accepted someone's projection on you that you don't put enough into it to make it an event worthy of their company or love.

3. How big is your dance floor? What I mean is, How much freedom do you have? Do you feel confined by your brand of so-called Christianity? Because it  is mainly a set of restrictions instead of God's love you feel like you can never be good enough to please God? Is it primarily a source of limits: don't do this, and don't do that? Does your Christianity have more to do with walls than with windows? Is it a place of narrowness or a place where light and air and liberty pour in?

Usually a person driven by false guilt is afraid of Christian freedom when introduced to it, because in every act of freedom is the possibility of offending the controllers in your life. After all, in your world offending someone is unacceptable. Other people are seen as pipelines of approval. If they're offended, the pipeline shuts down.

False guilt, along with an overactive conscience, is a hard master. As we turn now to look at the causes and the cures for false guilt, we hope to explain how to break down the confining walls and tiresome chains that may have kept you or a loved one in bondage to false guilt.

The Source of False Guilt

Next, I would like to focus on the source of false guilt: an overactive conscience brought on by oppressive religious beliefs that have nothing to do with real Christian freedom in Christ. What is an overactive conscience? How does it function? Steve Shores says, "The mission of a person's overactive conscience is to attract the expectations of others."

Imagine a light bulb glowing brightly on a warm summer's night. What do you see in your mind's eye? Bugs. Bugs of every variety are attracted to that light. The light bulb serves as a magnet for these insects. Imagine that light is an overactive conscience. The expectations of others are the "bugs" that are attracted to the "light" of an overactive conscience.

Now imagine a light bulb burning inside a screened porch. The bugs are still attracted, but they bounce off the screen. The overactive conscience has no screen. But it is more than that. The overactive conscience doesn't want a screen. The more "bugs" the better. Why? Because the whole purpose is to meet expectations in order to gain approval and fill up the emptiness of the soul. This is an overactive conscience, a light bulb with lots of bugs and no screen.

A key to understanding the overactive conscience is the word "active." Someone with false guilt has a conscience that is always on the go. False guilt makes a person restless, continually looking for a rule to be kept, a scruple to observe, an expectation to be fulfilled, or a way to be an asset to a person or a group. The idea of being an asset to those I have to please is a crucial point. When I am an asset to those I have to please, then I am a "good" person and life works pretty well. When I fear I've let someone down, then I am a liability. My life falls apart, and I will work hard to win my way back into the favor of others.

So an overactive conscience is like a magnet for expectations. These expectations come from oneself, parents (whether alive or not), friends, bosses, peers, God, or distorted images of God. False guilt makes the overactive conscience voracious for expectations. False guilt is always looking for people to please and rules to be kept.

An overactive conscience is also seeking to keep the "carrot" of acceptance just out of reach. This "carrot" includes self- acceptance and acceptance from others and from God. The guilt- ridden conscience continually says, "Your efforts are not good enough. You must keep trying because, even if your attempts don't measure up, the trying itself counts as something."

For that reason, an overactive conscience is not happy at rest. Though rest is the birthright of the Christian, relaxing is just too dangerous, i.e., relaxing might bring down my guard, and I might miss signs of rejection. Besides, acceptance is conditional, and I must continually prove my worthiness to others. I can never be a liability if I am to expect acceptance to continue. It is hard to relax because I must be ever fearful of letting someone down and must constantly work to gain acceptance.

In summary, a person with false guilt and an overactive conscience spends much of his or her life worn out, working hard to please those that cannot be pleased, and constantly questioning your worth to God and those around you. Your controllers want you to feel that way so that you never attain to their expectation! Unrelenting efforts to meet the expectations of others can have some very negative consequences-to include severe health issues. Simply put, you will never please everyone!

The Consequences of False Guilt

Now I would like to focus on the consequences of false guilt. An overactive conscience can keep you in a state of constant uncertainty. You never know if you measure up. You never know if you have arrived or not. You are always on the alert. According to Steve Shores there are a number of major consequences of false guilt.

The first consequence he calls "striving without arriving." In essence, there is no hope in the system set up by the overactive conscience run by a controller person. You must always try harder, but you never cross the finish line. You seem to merely go in circles. Or perhaps it would be better to say you go in a spiral, as in a downward spiral. Life is a perpetual treadmill. You work hard and strive, but you never arrive. You can't please those in your household because of mountainous expectation they project on you but somehow it is YOUR fault! Life becomes hard work and frustration with little or no satisfaction, yet you are the one feeling guilty.

The second consequence is "constant vigilance." The overactive conscience produces constant self-monitoring. You are constantly asking if you are being an asset to other people and to God. You are made to be constantly evaluating and even doubting your performance. And you can never allow yourself to be a liability to the group or to any particular individual for fear of retribution somehow either by God or those you want to please out of fear.

A third consequence is "taking the pack mule approach to life." An overactive conscience involves a lifelong ordeal in which you attempt to pass a demanding test and thus reveal your worth. The test consists of accumulating enough evidences of goodness to escape the accusation that you are worthless. For the guilt-ridden person, this test involves taking on more duties, more responsibilities, more roles. As the burdens pile higher and higher, you become a beast of burden, a "pack mule" who takes on more responsibility than is healthy or necessary, while those around you only criticize the fact that you still don't meet their expectations.

Just as there is no forward progress (e.g., "striving without arriving"), so there is also an ever-increasing sense of burden. Each day demands a fresh validation of worthiness. There is never a time when you can honestly say, "that's enough."

Finally, the most devastating consequence of false guilt is its effect not just on individuals but the body of Christ. Christians who struggle with an overactive conscience can produce weak, hollow, compliant believers in the church. If you belong to a Church is constantly putting a load of false guilt on you, then change churches because that is not the Christian walk intended by our Lord. Jesus said to "take his yoke upon us for His burden is light." Unless you can know the joy of your salvation full and free you are going to be long on conformity and short on passion and substance. Given a long enough sentence in false guilt you will go to church not because you crave fellowship, but because you want to display compliance. You will study God's word not so much out of a desire to grow spiritually, but because that is what good Christians are supposed to do. We do what we do in order to "fit in" or comply with the rules of so-called Christianity. Again, the TRUE Christian walk was never meant to be that way!

Steve Shores says that the central question of church becomes, "Do I look and act enough like those around me to fit in and be accepted?" Instead we should be asking, "Regardless of how I look and act, am I passionately worshiping God, enjoying my salvation and the promise of eternal security in my God, deeply thirsting for Him, and allowing Him to change my relationships so that I love others in a way that reflects the disruptive sacrifice of Christ or am I busy trying to attain by own works?"

What Happens with Continuation of False Guilt

Next, I would like to talk about why people continue to feel false guilt even though they know they are forgiven. After all, if Christ paid the penalty for our sins, why do some Christians still have an overactive conscience and continue to feel guilt so acutely? Part of the compulsion comes from feeling the noose of false guilt tighten around our necks so that we panic and fail to think rationally about our situation.

Steve Shores uses the example of a death-row inmate who has just learned of an eleventh-hour stay of execution. He has just been pardoned, but his body and emotions don't feel like it. He has been "sitting in the electric chair, sweaty-palmed and nauseated, when the wall phone rings with the news of the reprieve." He may feel relief, but the feeling of relief is not total. He is only off the hook for awhile. He will still return to his cell.
The person with a overactive conscience lives in that death-row cell. The reprieve comes from responding to that guilt-driven voice in his conscience. For Bill it manifested itself in a compulsive need to serve others. If he were asked to teach AWANA or to teach a Sunday school class, he would have great difficulty saying "No." He had to say "Yes" or else he would feel the noose of false guilt tighten around his neck.

Bill's comments were sad but illuminating. He said: "I felt as though not teaching the class would confirm that I am a liability. The disappointment...would inflict shame I felt as a boy. Disappointing others always meant that there would be some sort of trial to decide whether I really belonged in the family."

He went on to tell of the time he made a "C" on his report card (the rest of the grades were "A's" and "B's"). His father lectured him unmercifully. At one point, his father declared that "it was Communist to bring home such a bad grade." Bill didn't know what a Communist was or what Communism had to do with bad grades. But he did understand that if he didn't bring home good grades he was unworthy.

Bill even remembered the six agonizing weeks until the next report card. When it arrived he received five "A's" and one "B." What was his father's response? Was it delight? Was it an apology for his previous comments? Not at all. His father merely said, "That's more like it." The reprieve was halfhearted and temporary.

In essence, false guilt is a stern warden that may give a temporary reprieve but is always ready to call upon you to prove your worthiness once again. We may know that Christ died for our sins. We may know that our sins are forgiven. We may know that we have value and dignity because we are created in God's image. But we may feel unworthy if we mess up at any step along the way, and feel as if we must prove ourselves at a moment's notice by suffering some fate we abhor.

The key, as we will see in the next section, is to embrace Christ's atonement rather than our own. We must not only know that we are forgiven through Jesus Christ, but act upon that reality so that we live a life through grace rather than legalism.

A Cure for False Guilt

Finally, I would like to conclude by talking about Christ's atonement for us. If we are to break the chain of false guilt, then we must embrace Christ's atonement rather than our own. Although that statement may seem obvious, it is difficult for someone with an overactive conscience to truly embrace emotionally. For such a person, perfection is the means of achieving salvation. If I can be perfect, then I will no longer feel shame, and I will no longer feel guilt. This is the personal atonement that someone with false guilt often is seeking.
The Bible clearly teaches that Christ's atonement was for our sins. Sin is "any attitude, belief, or action that constitutes rebellion against or transgression of God's character." Clearly sinful man is incapable of making restitution because our best works are as filthy rags before a holy and omnipotent God (Isaiah 64:6). Our atonement must be made by someone with clean hands and a sinless life. Christ, of course, fulfilled that requirement and died in our place for our sins.

Nevertheless, someone with false guilt seeks a form of self- atonement. Why? Well, there are at least two reasons: indiscriminate shame and doubt about the character of God. The first is indiscriminate shame. We should feel guilty and we should feel shame for sinful behavior. The problem comes when we feel guilt and shame even when a sinful action or attitude is not present. Steve Shores believes that the "weeds of shame" can begin to sprout even when we have a legitimate need. We then tend to use the machete of false guilt to trim these weeds back. We say, "If I can do enough things right, I can control this and no one will know how bad and weak I am." This performance-oriented lifestyle is a way of hacking at the weeds that grow in the soil of illegitimate shame.

The second reason for false guilt is a stubborn propensity to doubt the character of God. Many Christian psychologists and counselors have argued that the reason we may question our Heavenly Father's character is because we question our earthly father's character. And for those who have been abused or neglected by their fathers, this is an adequate explanation. But we even see in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve doubting God and they did not even have earthly fathers. So I believe it is more accurate to say that our sin nature (not our family of origin) has a lot to do with our tendency to doubt God's character.

This is manifested by two tendencies: blaming and hiding. When we feel false guilt, we tend to want to blame ourselves. If label other for projecting their failures on us we are accused of having a critical spirit. If we blame ourselves, we feel unworthy and don't want others to see us as we are and we hide emotionally from those who would help free us. We actually choose to live under bondage and avoid freedom in Christ!  The solution is for us to embrace Christ's atonement and accept what He did on the cross for us. Christ died once for all (Romans 6:10) that we might have everlasting life and freedom from guilt and the bondage to sin.

See you next blog,
Ted

 Kerby Anderson is president of Probe Ministries International. He holds masters degrees from Yale University (science) and from Georgetown University (government). He is the author of several books, including Christian Ethics in Plain Language, Genetic Engineering, Origin Science, Signs of Warning, Signs of Hope and Making the Most of Your Money in Tough Times. His new series with Harvest House Publishers includes: A Biblical Point of View on Islam, A Biblical Point of View on Homosexuality, A Biblical Point of View on Intelligent Design and A Biblical Point of View on Spiritual Warfare. He is the host of "Point of View" (USA Radio Network) heard on 290 radio outlets nationwide as well as on the Internet (www.pointofview.net) and shortwave. He is also a regular guest on "Prime Time America" (Moody Broadcasting Network) and "Fire Away" (American Family Radio). He produces a daily syndicated radio commentary and writes editorials that have appeared in papers such as the Dallas Morning News, the Miami Herald, the San Jose Mercury, and the Houston Post.