Top Misguided Reasons To Stay In An Abusive Marriage

“If you don’t like where you are in life, there comes a point when you must give up the part of you that’s keeping you back.”
–Dr. Sonya Friedman

Divorce is difficult. So many emotionally hurt people are involved. This is one of the reasons why couples all over the world choose to stay in unhealthy and even terribly abusive marriages, despite all the signs indicating they are being abused and an inner voice urging them to leave. Rather than heed all the indicators of abuse and this internal guidance, people seek out or invent reasons to justify remaining. They allow themselves to become co-dependent to the point of excusing the abuser over and over and even blaming themselves. All they are actually doing is creating a prison without walls to incarcerate themselves and their children in. They allow their children to grow up believing this is how relationships should be!

Many float through life in a perpetual state of confusion or ambivalence because things are not so awful., at least that is what they convince themselves to believe. However, their self-esteem is in the toilet and depression begins ruling their thinking. They feel drained but can't figure out why. Being in a constant state of confusion and depression, they can’t possibly be asked to make a decision so they rationalize staying with their verbally abusive spouse is the best choice, waiting for something to happen which will make it clearer as to whether they should keep the relationship together or not. Only to find they continue making excuses for their abusers again and again and losing themselves in the conflict. For others, the fear of the unknown is simply too daunting so they "numb out" or "take on a workload helping family and friends to make life with their partner bearable" (for example, by workaholism, prescription drugs and/or alcohol addiction, and spending on trivial household items building a Pollyanna world). In some cases, the fear of leaving is not about the unknown, rather it is the known that paralyzes them. The other spouse has threatened the one who wants to leave with some kind of abuse: “outing a secret,” bad-mouthing him or her to friends, loved ones, or employers, or even physical violence.

Never Put Up With Spousal Abuse

Leaving your marriage may be the biggest challenge you will ever face in your life.  If you are emotionally, physically or spiritually abused and you have sought help but it was never taken seriously by your spouse, your marriage is over! If you believe that you have done all you could to save the relationship, it is more of a disservice to yourself and the world around you to stay. Never allow anyone to touch you that does not love you! EVER! Never allow yourself to be dismissed, demeaned, or dealt harshly with! EVER!

Listed below are several BAD REASONS TO STAY IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE

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Misguided Reason #1 to Stay in a Abusive Marriage: The Kids
Many of those who divorce have known that their marriage was over long before they began to actually physically separate. When I ask these people what kept them from leaving sooner, the number one reason they give me is, “because of the kids.” I have no doubt that every parent who has said this believes wholeheartedly that this was a noble and selfless reason to stay. Staying and sacrificing their lives seems like the only thing to do.

Quite often, those who feel committed to keeping things together to this degree are children of divorce themselves. They swear that they will not put their children through what they had to endure. What they don’t understand is that they can get divorced differently than their parents did and spare their children much of what they experienced. How a couple divorces does more to determine how well children fare than the mere fact that they divorced.

While I would agree that being a good parent entails giving up a big part of yourself every day, I also know that you cannot give what you don’t have. If you are having to protect your children from an angry spouse they will undoubtedly feel that and suffer on some level as well, even if you don’t think your unhappiness shows. Children (and all of us, for that matter) are negatively impacted by being exposed to a loveless, tense, angry environment, regardless of the circumstances in which it has been created. They are impacted more deeply because they have not yet built up the level of defenses that we have. It is as if they have half the thickness of skin that we adults do. The good news is that they also tend to be more resilient than we adults allowing them to recover faster from unhealthy situations.

When you stay in an abusive marriage, children come to believe that relationships are experiences that entail suffering, pain and even a slow death. You are not happy, your spouse is making your life miserable by degrading you and, in turn, your kids are not happy because they see and feel the turmoil but do not understand why things are so bad.. The world doesn’t need more married couples for the sake of having married couples - the world needs more healthy people in healthy relationships!

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Misguided Reason #2 to Stay in an Abusive Marriage: Money
While it’s understandable that having become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, most people don’t want to give that up, it’s often not a good enough reason to stay together, especially when your soul and spirit are dying. It is very scary to face the world as a single person after being with a partner for a while, whether it’s one year or thirty years. Of course, it’s scarier for the people who have been in longer-term marriages, or for those who have never worked, have no apparent job skills and who are now faced with having to get a job, but everyone in this kind of scenario feels challenged and overwhelmed.

The expense of keeping up two households is enormous. The spouse who has not been working, or who has worked but earning less, may want to hold on to the financial security blanket and stay with their counterparts. The spouse making more money may justify staying as a way to avoid having to support two households. What I find ironic is that people who marry for money are judged very harshly, but people who stay for the money are not.

Money is not the only financially related perk of marriage. Medical insurance coverage is also a very real benefit that can have a tremendous monetary impact. Many people feel they have to stay married to keep their health coverage. It used to be that couples could agree as part of their divorce settlement to continue the ex-spouse on the employer’s health insurance plan. This is no longer the case. While alternatives for health coverage exist (COBRA’s or private health insurance plans), they are usually temporary and/or quite costly. However, a new day is dawning in health care and many states have coverage for those who qualify for assistance. Use your support mechanism too to find a good job, money as needed until you get on your feet. It is not that hard if you just try. Do not make deals with your abusive spouse when it comes to settling the financial affairs. You helped him earn what he has whether he recognizes it or not you are entitled to half of everything you have both built!

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Misguided Reason #3 to Stay in an Abusive Marriage: You Promised!
Those of you with kids will have heard this (“but you promised…”) said many times. Kids are brilliant and they know that calling you on your word is important and can evoke enough guilt for you to give in to their desires. However they understand very little about the dynamics of abuse and how devastating it is to the abused. They will also grow up mimicking your abuser in their own marriage if you do not stand against his sickness. They will believe that is the normal way to conduct their marriage!

Exchanging vows of being together forever is a very powerful exercise. It is a wonderful ideal and it is wonderful that most people do take this commitment seriously. But let’s examine reality again. Seasons change. Tides change. Relationships change. People change. Life situations change. Everything changes. That is life. That is what is supposed to happen.God is not fooled or mocked. You were never meant to suffer abuse at the hands of anyone! If your spouse is abusing you he broke the covenant not you! Marriage is a covenant based on agreement you made with God to love, honor and cherish. IF HE DIDN"T YOU AREN'T HELD TO A BAD CONTRACT! Many ministers today are becoming aware that emotional abuse is as devastating as a death in the family...you lose who you are and what God intended you to be!

I remember looking back at my high school yearbook and my friends saying, “never change!” I had to laugh because, although I knew the sentiment behind this comment (you’re a great person and please stay a great person), not changing isn’t really something to aspire to!

Neale Donald Walsch writes about this in his book, Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue. Walsch is talking to God about the whole concept of marriage as we know it. God tells Walsch that the intention of joining two people together was never about binding them, rather, quite the contrary. It was about letting the other person be true to themselves while being true to yourself. Joining with, not attaching to, another soul. He adds that, “until you can predict your future, you cannot promise anything truthfully.” According to Walsch, God does not endorse promising yourself forever to another person that did not take his vow before God seriously.

MOST BIBLICAL SCHOLARS AGREE THAT PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, AND SEXUAL ABUSE IS THE DEAL BREAKER! If you can't trust him for your safety and well-being you are not in a Godly covenant! These men who commit acts of abuse within their own home are covenant breakers, in Romans, Chapter 1 it talks about such men who disregard the covenant they made with the Lord. They worship themselves rather than honor God's covenant. Making themselves wise in their own eyes and playing the role of God within the marriage covenant itself.
¹⁸ For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth ^[l]in unrighteousness, ¹⁹ because that which is known about God is evident ^[m]within them; for God made it evident to them. ²⁰ For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. ²¹ For even though they knew God, they did not ^[n]honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. ²²  Professing to be wise, they became fools, ²³ and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and ^[o]crawling creatures.
²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. ²⁵ For they exchanged the truth of God for ^[p]a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed ^[q]forever...
²⁸ And just as they did not see fit ^[u]to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, ²⁹ being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, ^[v] haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, ³¹ without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; ³² and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

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Conclusion:

Too many women hide behind these misguided reasons to remain married to abusive men believing they are “doing the right thing.” Nothing could be further from the truth-especially where children are involved. While I agree that they are important considerations and should be seriously pondered, but not a hindrance to getting yourself out of emotional and possible physical danger. If you want your life to be worth living, live it with someone who respects your life!

See you next blog,
Ted

REAL LEADERSHIP By The Proper Use of Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose

Using Autonomy, mastery, and purpose to motivate people will accomplish much more than the use of fear, greed, or guilt. Not too long ago I was asked to give a motivational speech to a group of men at my church to motivate them to give of their time and talent to increase our impact in the community for Christ.

I had worked my way up in an International Corp called Automatic Data Processing from 1978 to 1996 and enjoyed great success at my various positions in the company.  I hated the so-called motivational speakers that used the negative to try to motivate people to perform and spoke to one of department heads about putting together a motivational platform from which to project our intent to our client base. Well, I wish I could say that out of that conversation came great revelations of how to bypass Management Speak, but a committee had been formed and needless to say not much came of it. A few good things occurred in that we all agreed that motivation by fear, greed, guilt, and the overall goal of creating a need approval was the wrong approach. Why?

Fear makes some people energetic but stupid because they are so busy trying to look busy. Motivation by Intimidation doesn't work very long anyway and your better employees will find a better place to work.
NOTE By the way, motivation by intimidation not only doesn't work it makes you look helpless and foolish!  If you ran your home that way, you would eventually have a mass mutiny on your hands and lose the respect of every family member when they figure out how foolish and fearful you really are as a leader in the home and on the job! Strict control is an illusion anyway...


Guilt makes people act like children always looking for approval and too careful about what questions to ask or what proposals to make for fear of looking stupid-it actually intensifies the fear factor!

Greed harms cognitive performance! The process of perception actually gets skewed in order to line someone or a groups pocket just to produce a result that management can live with...still not attaining the highest possible goal for all to attain to. Let's face it, if you know you aren't going to be in the "reward" group you aren't going to be very motivated to perform. The other problem is that receipt of a bonus quickly shifts from being appreciated to being an entitlement, so bonuses have to escalate to retain their motivational power.

When a business leader dangles a carrot in front of an employee to encourage strong performance, he/she has redefined the leader/employee relationship to the one between a farmer and a donkey. If you think you've hired donkeys to work for you, fire yourself for doing such a bad job of hiring. You don't deserve your position in the company!

Manufacturing the need for constant approval can drive employees to work hard but still not achieve the desired results simply because you start feeling more like a dog looking for a pat on the head and small bone to appease your daily appetite. Again, that approach gets old too unless you add something to mix. The something is called ACHIEVEMENT by Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose!

So what is the alternative to motivate a group overall that brings about positive change? I turn to one of my motivational heroes Bob Lewis, President of the consulting firm IT Catalyst posted his formula for success in CIO Magazine. I can tell you from first hand experience his motivational skills far outweigh any previous motivational material I have had to take part in. The results are stellar in performance. Let's see what he has to say:

Taking advantage of the need for approval remains a good way to motivate employees, but leaders should also recognize employees' desire for ACHIEVEMENT . In other words, recognize the desire among employees to make an important contribution.

For achievement to be a motivator, employees have to be given some autonomy so they "own their success." They also need MASTERY through continuing education of how best to perform their job. Otherwise they will not be in a position to ACHIEVE anything of importance. They need PURPOSE, which positions them to accomplish important things.

"Create an environment that encourages achievement, recognize it when it shows up (taking advantage of the need for approval) and you'll be amazed at how often you'll see it in action," Lewis recommends.

I am happy to say the implementation of his methods worked not only for our church project but created new vigor in our employee output in the company. Thank you Bob Lewis for your masterful contribution to a tired subject called Motivation.







See you next blog,
Ted

When Is Enough, Enough In A Relationship?

How do you know when you have had enough? There are many women and men who are in unhealthy relationships, and they are not aware of it. Or they have become aware and are afraid the change will be too drastic for the family to handle! What is an unhealthy relationship? Are you in an unhealthy relationship? In most cases, unhealthy relationships start off as any normal relationship. It is not always true though because we can wish a relationship is a certain way and even convince ourselves it is a good deal if we want something bad enough. The guy or girl is amazing to you, you both have plenty in common, and the two of you can talk on the phone for hours (well, in some cases). Everything seems great, right? Then months into the relationship, you begin to notice that he or she is changing and it begins to frighten you a little. What actually happened is that you did not notice the warning signs: overly jealous, quick tempered, egotistical, self-serving and self-indulgent, controlling, you find you are basically ignored or made to feel inferior, accusatory, minimizing your pain, gestures or threats of violence, pointing out your faults when confronted with theirs...get the picture? You refused to notice because you had a dream world you envisioned with a partner that wanted to build his dreams on top of yours and at your expense!

He or she will start becoming obsessed over you, and you may think that it's cute that he or she is jealous. Then they might start checking your phones constantly, watching your behavior, or getting upset when you hang out with family or friends without him or her. He or she can start to abuse you in little ways and it does not have to be physical abuse. Abuse comes in different forms such as: physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. When your partner becomes physical with you, you should begin evaluating a different plan. Many women and men have died or were seriously injured do to their partner hitting or striking them too hard. If you have to walk in your own house on egg shells; then you're in an unhealthy relationship.

THE DEAL BREAKER-ABUSE!
Verbal abuse is as serious as physical abuse. Who said words does not hurt? Words can hurt more than a fist to your face. When someone belittles you, especially someone you care about; it IS A SOUL KILLER! Who wants to be called HATEFUL NAMES? When your partner begins to belittle you; a qualified counselor will tell you it is time to get out of the relationship and stay in counseling. No one deserves to be treated without respect. Being with someone who is angry, spiteful, egotistical, in denial of their abuse, and selfish all the time is not safe and that will not lead to a healthy relationship. You can only do so much for a person and if that person is not willing to change; you need to move on. Moving on is a difficult thing to accomplish but it has to be done. Starting over is always awkward, but you have to start over to understand what a good man or woman is.

When it comes to abuse an apology is never enough and never let a man or woman frighten you into staying in a relationship. Follow your intuition and if you are afraid of your partner or afraid that he or she is not the one for you; seek help please and think seriously about getting out. Life is too short to WALK ON EGGSHELLS!

See you next blog,
Ted

Next blog will be co-written by my friend Laura called Never miss a good thing, until good-bye: 
You can meet her here: http://lifewithlaura2.blogspot.com/
 

You Nearly Destroyed Me Please Let Me Go

You keep dwelling in what was years ago
So much has changed, I know you know.
You try so hard to capture and smother me like in the past
You refuse to believe this hurtful union cannot last.

If you take the trouble to look in my eyes, I know you can see
The emptiness for you now residing deep inside of me.
With your every critical word, I want to scream
I only seek Peace away from you, to live my Dream.

I can smell the cheap flowers and candy as I lay in my sleep
And try in vain to forget the taste of all the tears I weep.
I long for silence from your manipulating mouth to release my heart
I would thank God for His merciful release when we finally part.

I beg you earnestly and deeply do you even know?
You nearly destroyed me "Please let me go."
Let go of my life you almost destroyed, release your terrible grip
Stop pulling on me so hard, no love is there, I'm starting to rip.

Your constant negativity and deceit drowns my mind
My Eyes of Love over years of pain have sadly gone blind.
I don't wish you the pain you put me through. no, not at all
I just want to stand on my own and no longer crawl.

From now on allow me to live my life as ME
Stop holding me hostage, just set me free.
The time has come and already passed I start to observe
What real Happiness means and now know what I deserve.

I want to feel it without you and conquer the endless pain
I want to refill the Life that you began to drain.
My days drag by, endless misery with you, so very slow
I want my life back... just please...let go!

Written by me for a special friend in pain

What Qualifies As Verbal Abuse?

Today's blog is taken from Probe Ministries and Kerby Anderson. Why am I constantly harping on this you may ask? Simple. There are so many emails from women who are depressed, constantly tired, mentally and emotinally drained, and just plain beaten down. They are made to feel stupid, the target for problems in the family by the spouse, her family and the children-"Mom why don't you just settle down and be a good wife?" They are minimized and told that their physical, emotional, and mental issues are made up in their head..."you will be fine you're just overly sensitive," they are told. They are told that they don't communicate that they just get angry and can't be talked out of it. The worst part is that when the abuser feels threatened he either resorts to violence, or garnering sympathy for his plight from everyone you know, or put on his Mr. Wonderful image to throw everyone off and make you believe you are the problem! To achieve what the abuser wants he uses every brain-washing technique possible. The goal is control and manipulation behind the smile. When it seems he is genuinely concerned about the marriage or you, he points out his idea of your faults, minimizing your pain in the relationship and his role in the cause of your misery.  In fact, what he really wants is for you to feel like you are the crazy one and/or terribly misjudged his character! So let's look into Kerby's article and see what qualifies as ABUSE!

Probe Ministries

Verbal Abuse

Kerby Anderson

Introduction

Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn't leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in silence and isolation. In this article, I want to tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers. Like any area of human action, it begins in the mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." What a person thinks in his mind and heart will be reflected in his words and actions. Verbal abuse and physical abuse result from a world view that is clearly not biblical.
Verbal abuse is often more difficult to see since there are rarely any visible scars unless physical abuse has taken place. But it is often less visible simply because the abuse may always take place in private. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public, the victim is with one person. While in private, the abuser may become a completely different person.
Frequently, the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim is female, but not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally abusive. But for the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will identify the abuser as male and the victim as female.
One of the first books to describe verbal abuse in adults was Patricia Evan's book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty verbally abused women who ranged in age from 21 to 66. Most of the women had left a verbally abusive relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and categories of verbal abuse these women describe in this book.
Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."
A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.

The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.

Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3} 

1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant 

characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4} 

Categories of Verbal Abuse

The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. 

The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"
Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.

Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.

These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse.

Other Forms of Verbal Abuse

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her. 

Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.

Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.

Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.

Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.

Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.
That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner.
We have described various characteristics of verbal abuse and have even discussed the various categories of verbal abuse. Finally, I would like to provide a biblical perspective.

A Biblical Perspective of Verbal Abuse

The Bible clearly warns us about the dangers of an angry man. Proverbs 22:24 says, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man." And Proverbs 29:22 says, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression." It is not God's will for you (or your friend) to be in a verbally abusive relationship. Those angry and critical words will destroy your confidence and self-esteem. Being submissive in a marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:22) does not mean allowing yourself to be verbally beaten by your partner. 1 Peter 3:1 does teach that wives, by being submissive to their husbands, may win them to Christ by their behavior. But it does not teach that they must allow themselves to be verbally or physically abused.

Here are some key biblical principles. First, know that God loves you. The Bible teaches, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
Second, deal with your feelings of guilt. You may be feeling that the problems in your marriage are your fault. "If only I would do better, he wouldn't be so angry with me." The Bible teaches in Psalm 51:6 that "Surely You desire truth in the inner parts; You teach me wisdom in the inmost place." Even though you may have feelings of guilt, you may not be the guilty party. I would recommend you read my article on the subject of false guilt.{5}
A related issue is shame. You may feel that something is wrong with you. You may feel that you are a bad person. Psalms 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Finally, you should realize that you can be free from being a victim and agree with God that you can be free. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
A key element in this area of verbal abuse will no doubt be confrontation of the abuser. It's important for you to realize that confrontation is a biblical principle. Jesus taught about this in Matthew 18:15-20. 

If you know someone who is being abused, or has been in an abusive relationship you may copy this article and send it to them. They may still be dealing with pain and yet they are unaware of it's origin! Christian women are especially vulnerable to this type of abuse and will have their very FAITH attacked by their abuser so that they fall back into SUBMISSION to their ABUSER! This may translate to FALSE GUILT FOR GETTING OUT OF AN UNHEALTHY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP! 

QUIT MAKING EXCUSES! THERE IS NO GOOD TIME TO LEAVE-VERY FEW PEOPLE INCLUDING YOUR OWN FAMILY WILL SUPPORT YOUR DECISION. THEY HAVE NOT LIVED YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR ABUSER. GET OUT NOW AND GET HELP! YOUR VERY LIFE AS AN INDIVIDUAL DEPENDS ON IT!

See you next blog,

Ted





  You Nearly Destroyed Me Please Let Me Go

You keep dwelling in what was years ago
So much has changed, I know you know.
You try so hard to capture and smother me like in the past
You refuse to believe this hurtful union cannot last.

If you take the trouble to look in my eyes, I know you can see
The emptiness for you now residing deep inside of me.
With your every critical word, I want to scream
I only seek Peace away from you, to live my Dream.

I can smell the cheap flowers and candy as I lay in my sleep
And try in vain to forget the taste of all the tears I weep.
I long for silence from your manipulating mouth to release my heart
I would thank God for His merciful release when we finally part.

I beg you earnestly and deeply do you even know?
You nearly destroyed me "Please let me go."
Let go of my life you almost destroyed, release your terrible grip
Stop pulling on me so hard, no love is there, I'm starting to rip.

Your constant negativity and deceit drowns my mind
My Eyes of Love over years of pain have sadly gone blind.
I don't wish you the pain you put me through. no, not at all
I just want to stand on my own and no longer crawl.

From now on allow me to live my life as ME
Stop holding me hostage, just set me free.
The time has come and already passed I start to observe
What real Happiness means and now know what I deserve.

I want to feel it without you and conquer the endless pain
I want to refill the Life that you began to drain.
My days drag by, endless misery with you, so very slow
I want my life back... just please...let go!

Written by me for a special friend in pain

Ted

Kerby Anderson is the president of Probe Ministries International. He received his B.S. from Oregon State University, M.F.S. from Yale University, and M.A. from Georgetown University. He is the author of several books, including Genetic Engineering, Origin Science, Living Ethically in the 90s, Signs of Warning, Signs of Hope, and Moral Dilemmas. He also served as general editor for Marriage, Family and Sexuality. He is a nationally syndicated columnist whose editorials have appeared in the Dallas Morning News, the Miami Herald, the San Jose Mercury, and the Houston Post. 
He is the host of "Probe," and frequently serves as guest host on "Point of View" (USA Radio Network). He can be reached via e-mail atkerby@probe.org.

Finding Intimacy After Abuse

OK you find that you have married a controlling and abusive individual who will not see themselves for what they are. In most cases they can rarely be helped by psychological or even Biblical Counseling, though a few have. You find you had to leave the marriage in order to become WHOLE again. But you find the struggle for WHOLENESS almost impossible because of all the verbal and emotional abuse heaped on you. You wonder over and over how did I end up in this mess anyway? You tell yourself, all I wanted was a happy life and family with someone who would love me just for me. All I wanted was intimacy with a loving individual. You ask yourself, will I ever be whole again? Will I find my true self and the meaning for my existence besides someone's verbal punching bag?

The human desire for intimacy, for intimate love, drives us to do things that we never thought we would. We find reasons to be with someone who can never return the love we want to share. Our reasoning process without submitting it to God often leads to heart-break and even humiliation. But why do we do this, and what does it mean to be intimate?

Being Intimate Means "In-to-Me-See"

One evening over dinner with a friend, we spoke about intimacy and what it means. She shared a cute little phrase with me to remind me of intimacy's true meaning. "It means ‘in-to-me-see,'" she said. Ah yes, it's a blending of our heart with another's, so we can "see into" who they really are, and they can "see into" us.

According to Dictionary.com, intimacy is defined as, "showing a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture."

Being intimate involves the mixing of our life with another's, a mingling of souls, a sharing of hearts. This is something we all long for because it's how God made us. We were designed to connect.

What Intimacy is NOT

Maybe you are wondering about sex. Granted, sex is a part of intimate expression, but it is not intimacy.

In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael McManus writes:

"Sex can be the most intimate and beautiful expression of love, but we are only lying to ourselves when we act as if sex is proof of love. Too many men demand sex as proof of love; too many women have given sex in hopes of love. We live in a world of users where we abuse each other to dull the pain of aloneness. We all long for intimacy, and physical contact can appear as intimacy, at least for a moment."

I counseled a couple who called the church a few years back. When Meredith married Ryan, she was convinced that even though they were not really emotionally close before getting married, that combining their families and enjoying sex would change all that. After all, she'd seen the movies; she had watched television where two hearts blended into one once they became sexually involved. Sadly, she was heartbroken when the emotional connectedness she longed for didn't show up after she made it to bed. In fact, she ended up being the victim of a very emotionally abusive, controlling man. Her divorce was agonizingly long as he did everything within his power to make it difficult for her to get free of him. The craving of intimacy can lead to some very painful lessons in life, but God created within us the desire for intimacy.

What Is Real Intimacy and How Is It Found?
Real intimacy is not found just by merging bodies in sex. When Jesus said, "and the two shall become one. . . " He certainly meant more than just the physical. After all, how many couples go to bed at night, share their bodies, but not their hearts? Have you ever looked into the eyes of someone you have had sex with that is emotionally detached-disappointing isn't it? All he or she wanted was the act of sex to satisfy their vacuum filled life. Even that was not enough for them they had to control you! Undoubtedly, those women who have experienced this very thing would say they are very lonely, even depressed. Why? Because just as a garden hose is not the source of water, but only an expression, or vehicle for it, so sex is not the source of intimacy, but an outlet (or expression of) it. No matter how hard you try, if real emotional and spiritual intimacy does not exist before sex, it most certainly won't after.

Real Intimacy Makes Us Feel Known
Real intimacy makes us feel alive like we've been found, as if someone finally took the time to peer into the depths of our soul and really see us there. Until then, until we experience true intimacy, we will feel passed over and ignored, like someone is looking right through us.

Sadly, we can miss out on intimacy that can make us and another person feel known, when we predetermine what we think we should see when we examine their life, heart, personality and soul. When this happens, we will try to mold and make them into who we believe they should be. Sadly we find that none of us can change another human being into what we really want. As a result, we are blinded to their obvious character flaws and love and intimacy are destroyed. These flaws, as many of you ladies have discovered can lead to a real nightmare of an existance. Because intimacy flows out of feeling wholly accepted just the way we are. However, remember that character and integrity in those we focus our attention on for intimacy count!


Real Intimacy Begins With You
Perhaps you are wondering how you can build an intimate relationship. In addition to accepting another person just how they are, (Note: This doesn't mean accepting any form of abuse), real intimacy can only begin once you know yourself. Since intimacy means "in-to-me-see," how can anyone "see into" you and who you are, your fears, dreams, hopes and desires unless you know who you are and are willing to allow someone in? Experiencing true intimacy begins with being connected to your own heart and that heart connected to your Heavenly Father.

Granted, sharing who we are with others is often not easy. All love is a risk. I admit, it can be uncomfortable exposing the deepest parts of ourselves. Thankfully, you don't have to do it all at once because developing intimacy is like peeling an onion—it can happen just a little at a time while trust is developed. Trust is vital to a healthy relationship! Listen to me on this: TRUST IS EVERYTHING IN A RELATIONSHIP OR IT WILL TURN OUT BADLY FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!

Intimacy With God is Real and Rewarding
I have some very good news for those of you who have been terribly, emotinally abused. There is a God and it was never His will for you to be in an emotionally damaging relationship. I would like you to read this excerpt by Kerby Anderson, President of Probe Ministries, A Christian Doctrinal site on the Internet. He states that because abuse is fast becoming the number one reason for deep-seated emotinal scarring it is important for a spouse to recognize these abusive behavioral characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner.

We have described various characteristics of verbal abuse and have even discussed the various categories of verbal abuse. Finally, I would like to provide a biblical perspective.

A Biblical Perspective of Verbal Abuse
The Bible clearly warns us about the dangers of an angry man. Proverbs 22:24 says, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man." And Proverbs 29:22 says, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression." It is not God's will for you (or your friend) to be in a verbally abusive relationship. Those angry and critical words will destroy your confidence and self-esteem. Being submissive in a marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:22) does not mean allowing yourself to be verbally beaten by your partner. 1 Peter 3:1 does teach that wives, by being submissive to their husbands, may win them to Christ by their behavior. But it does not teach that they must allow themselves to be verbally or physically abused.

Here are some key biblical principles. First, know that God loves you. The Bible teaches, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

Second, deal with your feelings of guilt. You may be feeling that the problems in your marriage are your fault. "If only I would do better, he wouldn't be so angry with me." The Bible teaches in Psalm 51:6 that "Surely You desire truth in the inner parts; You teach me wisdom in the inmost place." Even though you may have feelings of guilt, you may not be the guilty party. I would recommend you read up on the subject of false guilt. You can find that at http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/06/19/pastors-and-abuse-confronting-and-dealing-with-abusers-by-jeff-crippen/

A related issue is shame. You may feel that something is wrong with you. Your abuser made you feel that you are a bad person for not submitting yourself to them. Psalms 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Finally, you should realize that you can be free from being a victim and agree with God that you can be free. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." A key element in this area of verbal abuse will no doubt be confrontation of the abuser. It's important for you to realize that confrontation is a biblical principle. Jesus taught about this in Matthew 18:15-20.

You Can Find Intimacy But It Begins With God
Because God made us, He intimately knows us better than anyone can. For this reason, He can make us feel known in a way that no one on earth is able; and in this we can experience intimacy in an indescribable way. Intimacy with God through His Son Jesus has been the most rewarding and life-changing thing I have ever experienced. It may be necessary for you to leave your abusive relationship in order to heal. The good news is that healing will come by the accetance that God sees you as fearfully and wonderfully made. Choose life over imprisonment to begin the journey to real intimacy.

My prayer is that you will first experience the joy that comes from having an intimate relationship with God and that out of that love you have experienced with Him, that you will find intimacy with a special someone who will make the load of walking the earth a little lighter.

I recommend reading:
Psalm 139
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&version=NIV
Matthew 6: 19-34
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%206:19-34&version=NIV


Thoroughly Christian Divorce From An Abuser
http://thoroughlychristiandivorce.wordpress.com/

See you next blog,
Ted

They Make You and Those You Love Believe You Are Crazy!

This may seem like a rehash of my other blogs but I assure that this is a real eye-opener for many women who wonder if they are the crazy, uncaring ones in their home. Joanne Armstrong is one very brave lady who has stepped forward to talk about the things her abuser has done. She is now divorced and finally free (her words). She authors a book called In Sheep's Clothing. Her goal is to help women everywhere identify abuse, leave their co-dependency behind, and find freedom to be who they are in Christ. I will present her material in three or four parts. Any of you who are living with an abuser will readily identify with hers.

Joanne Armstrong writes this to help women identify an abusive relationship:

A WARNING TO ABUSED WOMEN EVERYWHERE
(PART I  I DENTIFYING YOUR ABUSER-YOU THINK YOU ARE CRAZY)
An abusive person is a controlling person. Where there is control, there is abuse. If you are married to a man who is an abuser, it is more like a father/daughter relationship rather than a relationship of equality and respect. There is nothing that will kill love and passion faster in a relationship then being married to someone who insists on being "one-up" or being in the father role. Who wants to go to bed with their father. Abuse is about power and control.

Using the power and control wheel developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project of Minnesota, I will attempt to give an overall portrait of an abuser. Instances and techniques may vary, but most abusers have all or most of these controlling traits. I will use instances from my life, living with an abuser, to illustrate. I also need to state that there are overt abusers and there are covert abusers. Overt abusers come right out and abuse blatantly and boldly. Covert abusers are the worst and the hardest to confront. They do their abusing and controlling in a hidden, manipulative, secretive way (see the book "In Sheep's Clothing"). 

When you discuss how they hurt you they appear to be loving and kind, but their actions are controlling and conveying the message that you are the problem. That what is wrong with the family is your anger and lack of forgiving. They masterfully make you believe your faith in God is not real because you do not practice your Christian walk with them, and that your love for the family is only half-hearted. They manipulate to get their way by getting people to feel sorry for them, making people feel guilty, etc. My son calls it an evil spell when his father uses these covert techniques. When I have had my abusive ex kicked out of the house, he goes and finds people who will "pat his flesh" or sympathize with him. To get people to do this, he must manipulate their feelings and get them to believe that he has been unjustly wronged. My ex doesn't have one good thing to say about his abusive, controlling, manipulative mother(it can also be his father at times) except that when he was a boy, if his mother thought he had been unfairly treated or unjustly wronged, she would sympathize with him or console him.        
   
   

So in order for the abuser to get sympathy or consolation from people, he must manipulate them into thinking that he has been unjustly wronged in order to get his "flesh patted" or to get consoled, when he really needs to suffer the consequences of his behavior, which is what will cause him to change. The abuser will call his or your mother, brother, friends or whoever will listen and tell them untruthful things in order to get them to console him. He will manipulate them to get comforted. No one likes a manipulator so he tells them of all the things you withhold from him-SEX is usually at the top. The abuser tries to get people to feel sorry for him by sighing, acting hurt and so on. As long as he can find people who will console him instead of let him suffer the consequences of his behavior, he will continue to manipulate people to get them to feel sorry for him so HE FEELS BETTER and he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behavior. My perceptive nine year old son is on to his tricks calls this manipulative, "feel sorry for me behavior" an "evil spell". 

One weekend, my nine year old son and I spent the weekend in a shelter for abuse victims. I wanted to go home. My son told me that he didn't want to talk to his father because he didn't want to be put under his evil spell. He told me that his dad constantly works at making the children distrust me. I asked him what he meant by that. He stated, "He will start sighing and looking all sad and he will say, "I guess your mother and I couldn't work things out." He will manipulate a person's emotions to get what he wants. He is a chameleon who changes color depending on who he is with. He will tell you what he thinks you want to hear in order to protect himself. I have seen this man give the old "Mr. Repentfull" routine to so many pastors, ministers, bible study leaders and so on, yet he never changes his behavior. A chameleon changes his color according to his surroundings in order to protect himself. A controlling abuser is all about protecting himself and that is why he controls in the first place. He is a true drama queen when on full tilt, a con man, salesman, and can win academy awards for his acting ability. Why even he believes the things he says, yet the behavior never changes and the things he says never line up with the things he does. There is a big gap between the words and walk. A Christian family counselor once told my ex that he was like a dog that professed undying love and devotion to his family while pissing on their leg. He also said that, relationally, things my ex did weres like making a whole pot of homemade soup. You put in all these good ingredients and then pour in the poison. What he did was so hurtful and poisonous that it killed everybody and everything and it didn't matter what good things he had put in the pot. Death resulted.

Abusers are often extremely charming and come off as "Mr. Nice Guy" to those who don't live with him. That is part of that "evil spell" my nine year old son spoke of. He is a fake and a phony! It makes me sick to my stomach to hear someone say, "What a nice guy" because we know differently. He has everyone fooled, especially the women! Women fall for this "Mr. Nice Guy" stuff, hook, line and sinker. I did, too, until I married the abuser. I didn't have a clue to his controlling, abusive nature until a week before our wedding. I had quit my job and moved in with him, two hours away from where I had been living, away from family and friends, without a job and isolated. That is when I got my first taste of the other side of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. He asked me to do something, which was part of his job at work, and I didn't feel I should be doing it. Mr. Nice Guy wasn't so nice anymore when I didn't do what he wanted.

Let's go to the Power and Control wheel, going clockwise, starting at 12:00. As experienced in my marriage:

Using Intimidation

Making the family afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

My ex said that he wanted to get my kids to the point where he could control them with just a look. His own children were spoiled and out of control, but my children were the problem in the family. He wanted to be able to glare at them and have them fear him in order to cause them to behave, especially around other people. That way he wouldn't have to correct them in public. He would pound his fist on things when he couldn't get the kids to do what he wanted. If my daughter wasn't doing her homework right, he would scream at the top of his lungs at her, lecturer her and pound on things or throw things. If you have a mixed marriage they use extreme measures to bring your children into line. You see, they are actually jealous of your relationship to your children and want you to prefer their brood over your own. 

One particular time, when my ex was sitting in the car in the garage lecturing my 12 year old daughter, she tuned him out as teenagers often do. He couldn't control her if she wasn't listening to him. He became frustrated that she wasn't listening and he lost control of the situation, so he acted like he was going to attack her sexually by shoving his hand down her buttoned shirt, causing the buttons to rip off and pop open. He also shoved his hand between her legs in her genital area. They had been sitting in the car in the garage, talking. When my ex did this, my daughter jumped out of the car and came running past me crying as she went up to her room. Two and a half months later, my daughter attempted suicide. 
I had tried to go to a pastor to talk to him about our situation and get him to help us, but my ex found out about it and made an appointment to see the pastor. He tells pastors and people that we are "unstable" so that we are not believed and he comes off as the kindest, most loving man alive. When my ex tells people we are "unstable", then anything we now say is "discredited" and not taken seriously. This is an isolation technique that abusers use to isolate their family from anyone who would help them. This is also part of the "Power and Control Wheel" and will be discussed further. This cuts the family off from neighbors, family, friends, pastors, or anyone who may offer support to the abuser's family or his victims. When my ex came home from talking to this pastor, he told us all this bad stuff that the pastor had said to him about us. We felt like no one would listen to us, believe us, or help us. We felt abandoned by God and others. It was right after that, that my daughter attempted suicide and was hospitalized. In retrospect, I am not so sure, now, that the pastor even said anything at all about us. This kind of mental/emotional control is designed to isolate you and cut you off from anyone who would help you or intervene. The next Sunday we went to church, the pastor wouldn't even look at my daughter or me or acknowledge us, but he went up to the abuser and patted him on the shoulder in front of us and said, "We'll get through this together, man. Just hang in there." To this day, my grown daughter doesn't want to go to church and wants nothing to do with God. We were abandoned by anyone in a position of authority to help us. What made it worse was that this person in a position of authority was God's representative. It leaves you feeling hopeless, desperate and in despair. I can't stand to go to church today with the abuser because he is so fake and phony and he can con those, without discernment, so easily. It makes me sick! Who wants to risk being hurt again this way. The abuser used to have to control us on the way to church as well. We always had to "look good" and appear happy so that no one approached him because "my daughter looked depressed and as head of the household, the abuser must be doing something wrong. One day my young junior high aged daughter had on red pants and she put on her only hot pink coat to go to church. It is all about APPEARANCE to their way of thinking! I didn't care, but the abuser was extremely concerned about how she looked and how this reflected upon him. All the way to church, he tried to convince her and told her she looked like "a screaming circus". No wonder we didn't want to go to church with the abuser. Most of the time they are uninvolved in the service unless they hear a sermon they can use against you. They love the "submission sermons" and apply it to you and your children to make you believe that God is unhappy with your performance.

Another example of using intimidation to control others was the time I had asked my ex to read a manuscript I had been writing. I had been writing a book, which is now published and in distribution, and the type written material was in a large, thick, heavy binder. Why I turned to him to read the material is beyond me. It is called co-dependency, because you want your abuser to say something nice to you or even be proud of your accomplishments. I wanted my ex to read the material because the pastor of the church we were going to, was preaching the same thing I was writing about and I was excited because God was confirming all around us what He was showing me and giving me to write. I felt that my ex, the abuser, was missing out on the excitement and I wanted to share this with him. He would not read the manuscript. Then he would say that it was nice but too lengthy and people will lose interest. I asked him several times after being ignored for weeks. Finally, when he sat down to really read the manuscript, he immediately started correcting it and rewording it to read as he thought it should read. I asked him not to correct. He said that he was helping me and saving me a step by doing this and he kept insisting on rewriting and correcting the manuscript. I kept insisting that he not "help" me and that I wanted the book to be done as the Lord directed. I told Him that I wanted him to read the book for the content only. He became very angry and argumentative when I kept insisting that he not "help" me "fix" the book. He threw the heavy binder down on the table in front of me spewing the contents everywhere. He said that if he couldn't "fix" the book, and "help", then he didn't want to read it. The abuser, my ex, from here on out called "the abuser", has a very chronic, bad habit of "fixing" and "helping" us. Nothing we do is right. They always has a better way of doing things and if you don't do things his way or take his advice, he uses the intimidation methods of control or he resorts to shaming and belittling you. I couldn't even unload the dishwasher right in our home. He saw a better way to do it and insisted on "helping" me do it a better way. When you are always being "fixed", "helped" and "controlled", the constant unspoken relational message you keep getting is "You are stupid, incapable, and incompetent. You can't do anything right. I am smarter, better and above you in all ways." It is a form of putting others down so that they can feel better about themselves.

Anyway, the abuser has thrown things, pounded his fist on things and used glares and gestures to cause his family to fear him in order to control them, yet he can't understand why we fear him. When you throw things, pound your fist, etc. the unspoken message that is being communicated loud and clear is: "This could or will be you I am hitting next if you don't do what I want". After divorce papers had been filed and I was no longer staying in the home as long as the abuser was there, the abuser threatened to get rid of my pets or suffocate them with his body to make it look like the animals died of natural causes if I left the house. He used to put a nail in between his knuckles and punch my horses in order to get them to do what he wanted, yet he doesn't consider himself abusive. He wouldn't want you to mention this or say it out loud to anyone and I say, "If you are not doing something wrong, why can't we say it out loud"? My abuser is also a third degree black belt in karate, and used that to intimidate, control and instill fear in his family. The terrible thing is that he is the one that does all these crazy things but makes me believe I am the crazy one! It's my fault he is miserable! It's my fault that he feels so much pain! It's my fault he cusses me out! It's my fault that things spin out of control in his sick little world! When he gets to his Mr. Nice stage and I don't respond with love and affection I am the one withholding love! It's my fault that he "works like a dog to provide all the things I enjoy" and he gets no appreciation(code word for SEX). Yes, they make you believe you are crazy! Did I mention they crave SEX in order to feel in control?

Next we will talk about how abusers use controlled measures of Emotional Abuse  and how it affects our mental process as women who are caring by nature-by the way they love CARING WOMEN BECAUSE WE ARE SO EASY TO MANIPULATE:
 
This is only a part of what is to come...
See you next blog,
Ted

Denial is a Funny, Terrible Thing

Well, I just found this in my private mail and I have to confess that I am heart-broken! There are women out there who have been through this very same scenario and have had to stuff down their feelings and frustrations in order to create the perfect picture of a happy family. I am only going to print part of this because some it is very personal. I pray that those of you who are Christian leaders in your churches will realize this is all to common in churches today that place PERFORMANCE OVER FAITH AND LOVE! SHAME ON YOU CHURCHES, PASTORS, ELDERS AND SO-CALLED SHEPHERDS IN THE HOME! Jesus spoke His anger at injustice.  He spoke plainly and labeled the behavior of those who perverted or twisted in any way God's love and His will! There are abusers in your churches and women who need your protection! THESE PERPETRATORS OF EVIL MUST BE KNOWN FOR WHAT THEY ARE. THE ABUSE MUST STOP NOW!

This is an exerpt of a letter from someone I will call Debbie A:

We looked like the ideal conservative Christian family unit, just busting over with family values and stuff. Those who knew us back in the day still have difficulty believing my story strictly based on the pristine appearance we trotted about in public. That was my doing to be the perfect Christian wife. The beast played along.

Well dressed and respectful–I saw to it, even if it meant beans for a week because of a strict budget he put me on. Believe me when I tell you it was not worth the hassle spending more than the budget called for because it would mean I was inept at handling money. Still, I held my husband’s hand in public (when he let me). I called him baby. My husband called me sweetheart but only when anyone walked within earshot, or he wanted sex, or for me to conform to his wants. Our home was always spotless clean, the yard mowed, the bread homemade. However, if I stepped out of line the house cleaning was never good enough to please Mr. Perfect who could do it single-handedly. It didn't matter that the wife didn’t laugh at the husband’s jokes, or that I was the butler, the cook, the maid, the "go-fer," the chauffeur,  the religious castle fool to be scoffed at!  It made him happy people thought that I never smiled enough. That gesture made me the "bad guy." He could easily point to me as the one holding the family back from being complete. I covered up his abuse so thoroughly that everyone thought that dear man was the stronghold of the family, clearly. However, he made sure the wife seemed mighty uptight to friends and his kids-I say "his" because he brought his children into the marriage. If the kids jumped when dad raised his voice, it just showed how well he’d trained the kiddies. They never realized I was the one who risked being the bad guy by teaching his children the obedience they never learned from him.

Hard to admit now, but I wanted and needed my husband’s approval and affection. If he only gave it with others looking, or when he wanted sex, so be it. It was a game we played. I could sit close, hold his hand and, for a few moments at least, pretend everything was okay. It looked good to the kids, our friends, and our families. We both knew the rules. When company backed out of the driveway, the atmosphere changed and we returned to our corners for the duration, that is unless he needed sex...which was constant!

Red Flags Waving

There were signs of course if  a body knew where or took the trouble to look. The constant jokes about my cooking or cleaning or general lack of intelligence might have been a clue. Even my kids made fun of my intelligence when my husband pointed out how stupid I was for someone so educated. Of course he would dig up abstract facts that had little bearing with anything but to make him look more intelligent. The digs taken at the children’s expense, burrowing word by word into the softest parts of their spirit carried an edge that bordered on the masochistic. One of my girls became so downtrodden from her step-father's constant criticism that she became depressed to the point of hating herself enough to attempt drug suicide. We had a dysfunctional household that looked so pristine you had to really dig deep into our family values to find it! So while some things were more obvious than others, nothing stood out and grabbed you by the throat. Except for one small little detail.

Our home looked like something from a magazine shoot. Sounds good, right? The insidious nature of this lies not in the presence of possessions, but in their absence. Our big, beautiful home was devoid of family personality but his exploits were everywhere to be seen. If a neighbor visited, which I assure you was rare because of his constant ravings about his own abilities, they would rarely return. I couldn't even hang a picture on a wall without his scrutiny.

Is that really who I am? Sometimes I was lead to believe when I pointed out my sorrow that I was actually the problem, oversensitive he said! His insistence that I tried to blame him for my unhappiness was also a constant!

Excuse me?

I Have an Enemy and it isn’t God.

One day without a word, my spirit flooded with the understanding of the goodness of a loving Father who tenderly cares for His children. Of a God who never saw me critically but instead loved me so much that He took my sins upon Himself and died for me. I remembered times of actual sorrow at my abusers hands and compared side-by-side with women whose husbands actually loved them and shared that love openly without criticism. I recalled the tone, the touch, the gentle fingerprints all over My Lord's  loving care and how He held my heart in His hand. I saw how He prepared me for each transition and contrasted that to the gloom and doom of my everyday experience.

I saw—all at once—just  how twisted my thinking had become! The church, my husband, his family, and even our children made me believe I could not love. They made me think that my anger was out of place, so I obediently prayed and asked God to make me a better Christian woman and to swallow my desire for love.

Never once had it occurred to me that I was being robbed.

Robbed of joy.

Robbed of peace of mind.

Robbed of blessing of every variety—spiritual, financial, interpersonal. It took verses like the ones I am listing here to make me see that there was a thief in my home robbing me and my children of all that God had wanted for me, love, joy, peace. etc.

John 10:10 “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).”

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]”

Matthew 10:29-31 “Are not two little sparrows sold for a penny? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father’s leave (consent) and notice. But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, then; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Here’s the thing: For years, I did not know my enemy. I was living with the devil or at least one of his demons. Every good gift, every blessing he offered was tainted with conformity to his desires and my joy was instantly stolen. That tends to happen when you’re sleeping with someone who’d rather see you dead than admit he was the evil one in the home. Everything that I desired for the home or my children came with a price-conformity to his wants and wishes!

The fear, the torment, the pain had to go someplace. The more I denied my marriage was the problem, the harder I kept  trying to find a slot to file the overflowing animosity pointed squarely in my direction like a laser sighted missile. The only time I could find relief was to give in and give him what he wanted.

The bible says that God is good and I believed that. Somehow, I blended the reality of my hell on earth with a religious explanation that made no sense whatsoever. I lived every day with someone who both hated me and had no natural affection for his own offspring. Looking back, it’s not so surprising really that I thought my world was coming to an end.

Denial is a Funny, Terrible Thing

Let me assure you—I don’t live in that cesspool  any longer. Once I recognized the enemy for who—and where—he was, I got the message pretty fast. Getting out of a toxic environment improved my outlook instantly. My kids tell me I look fifteen years younger. Looking through the pictures, I believe they’re right.

With every moment, this remarkable joy grows sweeter. It takes practice to learn to walk in freedom. Sometimes I still feel the pull of old ways of seeing both my God and this fallen world. But these days, I’m assured I can trust the future to the One who tends to sparrows.

When and if sorrow comes–as it does to all of us walking here below– I rest knowing Who will rock me in His arms.



Debbie, I told you I would print this but I can't even comment on this any further because it makes me so angry that this is allowed in Christian homes. All I can do is pray that good men and women of God who see this, take it to heart, and decide to change things in churches around the world and call out these abusers for what they are...DEVILS!
See you next Blog,
Ted