5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn by April Mabrey

Monday, March 18, 2013 | Written by April Mabrey

Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.

I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.

1. The girl my husband really wants has no desires or needs of her own, so I should abandon mine.

For me to have needs he says means I'm demanding. "Everything always has to be your way, huh?" The women in pornography, on the other hand, don't require anything of the participant. It is a very one sided act. It is all about him. But I didn't want him to reject me. I told myself therefore, if I try making our life all about my husband and leave my needs at the door he won’t need pornography anymore. 

Where did he want to eat for dinner? What movie did he want to see? I even went so far as to buy roller hockey gear and drive with him out to a dark, damp roller rink an hour away at 11 p.m. on a weeknight to play a sport I knew or cared nothing about. Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. I didn't want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “my husband's wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own.

2. The girl he really wants is passive, so I shouldn't get angry or have an opinion about his addiction.

To have an opposing opinion means I'm controlling. The women in pornography do what they're asked. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning. I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him.

They were these beautiful, wish-granting beauties and I was the nagging old hag who wanted to talk about the bank account and his “browsing history.” How could I win this battle? I didn't want to be labeled “controlling” even though he was the one "controlling." so I enabled him over and over again in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and wanted.

3. The girl he really wants will do anything, so I better step up my game.

To not want to have “his kind” of sex means I'm frigid. The women in pornography have seen it all and done it all. Intimacy and tenderness are not on the menu. I felt that I needed to fulfill or at least try anything he asked of me in order for him not to use porn.

There were many times where he played into my fear of his addiction being my fault…if we were together more often he wouldn’t have these issues. There were many years where I just willed myself to be with him because I couldn't stand the guilt of making his addiction return or worsen. I was dying a little each day…he had no idea or capacity to care. I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn't frigid.

4. The girl he really wants only has one dimension, so I should abandon my personal dreams or goals.

Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. I had become so enmeshed into what my husband wanted that my dream actually became for him to fulfill all of his dreams.

This was not his requirement of me. I just started believing it one day. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1 dimension,” so to speak. They had no back-stories, no history, no dreams. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. My husband had no need for an independent wife.  My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life.

5. The girl he really wants has long legs, a flat tummy, and enormous breasts…uh oh.

Well, I’m a chunky, 5’1” brunette who has to shop in the kids department for jeans.  This one is gonna be a problem, right? In true form, I gave it my all. Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push up bras…the list goes on and on.

I tried to satisfy his gourmet tastes, but now I know that porn creates an insatiable appetite that cannot be satisfied. I started realizing that I was just a normal woman who would be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to compete with the likes of Internet porn. I became tired and defeated, disgusted with my body image and angry toward anyone who was tall, thin, or beautiful.

The Truth That Sets Me Free

He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

A lie is the truth distorted. Pornography is a lie…it’s a distortion of the truth. There is no woman that has ever been born who meets all the criteria that I've written above. Chasing that shadow is an endless game that leaves you desperate and bitter.

When the person you're living with looks at you through distorted eyes, it distorts your ability to know who you are: a Princess of the Most High God. God has created you to have dreams and resolve and strength. You are precious to Him and you hold great value in His eyes. His eyes are the only ones who can help you see yourself as you really are, and by the renewing of your mind through His word, I pray that you come to understand your own brokenness, your own need for change, and most importantly your need of a Savior.

1. About the Author: April Mabrey. April Mabrey has been married to Darren for 20 plus years. They live in Dallas, Texas, with their twin girls, Luci and Sydni. April is a software engineer and loves to karaoke, Zumba, and eat sushi.Nov 10, 2014

Dear Christian woman,

If you husband is demanding sex in pornographic ways and criticizing or denigrating you when you won't do things that you know are clearly against God's view of intimacy between a man and woman, then take the trouble to find out what kind of man you married. There are men, who with counsel and long term help submit to God and leave pornography behind. If they are truly submitted to God their view of intimacy becomes godly. They are eager to help other men overcome their terribly dark sin.

However there is a man who will lie about their use of pornography and berate you if discovered, constantly make innuendo about your lack of sexuality, and treat you badly until they get what they want. Even then they are not satisfied because they only want more. This is not the picture of man submitted to God nor does he value his spouse's needs and desires. Remember scripture not only calls for the woman to be submissive but for the man to be submissive to God first and his wife...submission one to another is the rule! 

MEN! Submit is a verb. Submitting is a voluntary action. That means it is something we ourselves do. It’s not something we make someone else do. Just as we can’t force another person to love us, we can’t force someone to submit to us either. Of course we can make that person do what we want. But then that’s not true submission.

Submission is a choice we make. It’s something each one of us must decide to do. And this decision happens first in the heart. If we don’t decide in our hearts that we are going to willingly submit to whomever it is we need to be submitted to, then we are not truly submitting. That makes it difficult, if not impossible, for the person we want to submit to us.

This may be shocking news to you, but an overwhelming majority of wives in my survey said they want to submit to their husbands. They want their husbands to be the "head of the home(spiritual leader)", and they have no desire to usurp that God-given position of leadership. They know what the Bible says on the subject, and discerning wives want to do what God wants because they understand that God’s ways work best.

However, severe problems often arise in this area because a wife is afraid to submit to her husband for two reasons:

Reason #1: Her husband thinks submission is only a noun, and he uses it as a weapon.
Reason #2: Her husband has himself not made the choice in his heart to be fully submitted to God. How can she respect him if he will not submit to authority?

CHECK OUT MY BLOGS ON NARCISSISM! This man or woman is an entirely different matter and must be avoided! 

See you next blog,

Ted

HE IS RISEN! The Power Of His Resurrection To Us

He is Risen - Death is swallowed up in victory! Do you believe it? Do you understand what it means? Do you know the power of His resurrection to the Believer?

It was always God's plan for man to partake of His grace and His mercy. Yes, God is a God of judgement but He is first and foremost ALL POWERFUL yet all merciful! If you look through the Old Testament you will see in The Passover in Egypt what God intended for mankind to be saved from the ravages of sin. The desolation of the soul need not be. We chose to remain desolate, ravaged by the deeds of the flesh or we choose life and life more abundantly. Does that mean we will never suffer again? NO! Does it mean we could not die a terrible death? NO! BUT to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord says 2Cor 5:6-8. 

His resurrection means power to serve for us! These are His words to us:

All authority is given unto Me and behold I give unto you power

Matthew 28

18 Then Jesus came to them and said, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.

Matthew 16

19 And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Matthew 18

18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Luke 10

19 Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.

 20 Notwithstanding in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice, because your names are written in heaven.

Believer, have we exercised the power that the Lord has bestowed upon us on the day of our salvation?

Over principalities that hold us down, over creepies crawlies that scare us, over sickness that keeps us ineffective, over fear that paralyzes us, over situations in our lives that hinder our walk and our joy?

The way to exercise our bestowed power is by the leading of the Holy Spirit and by speaking over the situations with the Word of God given us to use …

You will be surprised and amazed at the results! Actually we shouldn’t be … but we cannot but exclaim how good God is to us … how good Jesus is to us …and experiencing is indeed enforcing our belief and our faith in Him gets grounded and we are prepared for more interesting things to come.

You have heard, all the promises in the book are mine...DO YOU BELIEVE IT?

Verses To Ponder
For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption. Psalms 16:10

And as we have borne the image of the earthy, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly. Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; neither doth corruption inherit incorruption. Behold, I show you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 15:49-58  

John 11:25: I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believes in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Believe you this?

But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwells in you. 
Romans 8:11  

Therefore whether it were I or they, so we preach, and so you believed. Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead? But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen: And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain. Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God; because we have testified of God that he raised up Christ: whom he raised not up, if so be that the dead rise not. For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised: And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; you are yet in your sins. Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished. If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. 1 Corinthians 15:11-22  

For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven: If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked. For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life. Now he that hath wrought us for the selfsame thing is God, who also hath given unto us the earnest of the Spirit. Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord: (For we walk by faith, not by sight:) We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:1-7  

For the love of Christ constrains us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15
For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man sees, why does he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Romans 8:24-25

By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith. Hebrews 11:7

Would Noah otherwise have built an ark on a mountain with no water in sight, after being warned about things not yet seen? What would reason have us do?

For Christ sent me not to baptize, but to preach the gospel: not with wisdom of words, lest the cross of Christ should be made of none effect. For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God. For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent. Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom: But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumbling-block, and unto the Greeks foolishness; But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence. But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: That, according as it is written, He that glories, let him glory in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 1:17-31

A very blessed Easter Sunday to all,

Ted