5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn by April Mabrey

Monday, March 18, 2013 | Written by April Mabrey

Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.

I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.

1. The girl my husband really wants has no desires or needs of her own, so I should abandon mine.

For me to have needs he says means I'm demanding. "Everything always has to be your way, huh?" The women in pornography, on the other hand, don't require anything of the participant. It is a very one sided act. It is all about him. But I didn't want him to reject me. I told myself therefore, if I try making our life all about my husband and leave my needs at the door he won’t need pornography anymore. 

Where did he want to eat for dinner? What movie did he want to see? I even went so far as to buy roller hockey gear and drive with him out to a dark, damp roller rink an hour away at 11 p.m. on a weeknight to play a sport I knew or cared nothing about. Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. I didn't want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “my husband's wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own.

2. The girl he really wants is passive, so I shouldn't get angry or have an opinion about his addiction.

To have an opposing opinion means I'm controlling. The women in pornography do what they're asked. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning. I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him.

They were these beautiful, wish-granting beauties and I was the nagging old hag who wanted to talk about the bank account and his “browsing history.” How could I win this battle? I didn't want to be labeled “controlling” even though he was the one "controlling." so I enabled him over and over again in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and wanted.

3. The girl he really wants will do anything, so I better step up my game.

To not want to have “his kind” of sex means I'm frigid. The women in pornography have seen it all and done it all. Intimacy and tenderness are not on the menu. I felt that I needed to fulfill or at least try anything he asked of me in order for him not to use porn.

There were many times where he played into my fear of his addiction being my fault…if we were together more often he wouldn’t have these issues. There were many years where I just willed myself to be with him because I couldn't stand the guilt of making his addiction return or worsen. I was dying a little each day…he had no idea or capacity to care. I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn't frigid.

4. The girl he really wants only has one dimension, so I should abandon my personal dreams or goals.

Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. I had become so enmeshed into what my husband wanted that my dream actually became for him to fulfill all of his dreams.

This was not his requirement of me. I just started believing it one day. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1 dimension,” so to speak. They had no back-stories, no history, no dreams. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. My husband had no need for an independent wife.  My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life.

5. The girl he really wants has long legs, a flat tummy, and enormous breasts…uh oh.

Well, I’m a chunky, 5’1” brunette who has to shop in the kids department for jeans.  This one is gonna be a problem, right? In true form, I gave it my all. Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push up bras…the list goes on and on.

I tried to satisfy his gourmet tastes, but now I know that porn creates an insatiable appetite that cannot be satisfied. I started realizing that I was just a normal woman who would be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to compete with the likes of Internet porn. I became tired and defeated, disgusted with my body image and angry toward anyone who was tall, thin, or beautiful.

The Truth That Sets Me Free

He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

A lie is the truth distorted. Pornography is a lie…it’s a distortion of the truth. There is no woman that has ever been born who meets all the criteria that I've written above. Chasing that shadow is an endless game that leaves you desperate and bitter.

When the person you're living with looks at you through distorted eyes, it distorts your ability to know who you are: a Princess of the Most High God. God has created you to have dreams and resolve and strength. You are precious to Him and you hold great value in His eyes. His eyes are the only ones who can help you see yourself as you really are, and by the renewing of your mind through His word, I pray that you come to understand your own brokenness, your own need for change, and most importantly your need of a Savior.

1. About the Author: April Mabrey. April Mabrey has been married to Darren for 20 plus years. They live in Dallas, Texas, with their twin girls, Luci and Sydni. April is a software engineer and loves to karaoke, Zumba, and eat sushi.Nov 10, 2014

Dear Christian woman,

If you husband is demanding sex in pornographic ways and criticizing or denigrating you when you won't do things that you know are clearly against God's view of intimacy between a man and woman, then take the trouble to find out what kind of man you married. There are men, who with counsel and long term help submit to God and leave pornography behind. If they are truly submitted to God their view of intimacy becomes godly. They are eager to help other men overcome their terribly dark sin.

However there is a man who will lie about their use of pornography and berate you if discovered, constantly make innuendo about your lack of sexuality, and treat you badly until they get what they want. Even then they are not satisfied because they only want more. This is not the picture of man submitted to God nor does he value his spouse's needs and desires. Remember scripture not only calls for the woman to be submissive but for the man to be submissive to God first and his wife...submission one to another is the rule! 

MEN! Submit is a verb. Submitting is a voluntary action. That means it is something we ourselves do. It’s not something we make someone else do. Just as we can’t force another person to love us, we can’t force someone to submit to us either. Of course we can make that person do what we want. But then that’s not true submission.

Submission is a choice we make. It’s something each one of us must decide to do. And this decision happens first in the heart. If we don’t decide in our hearts that we are going to willingly submit to whomever it is we need to be submitted to, then we are not truly submitting. That makes it difficult, if not impossible, for the person we want to submit to us.

This may be shocking news to you, but an overwhelming majority of wives in my survey said they want to submit to their husbands. They want their husbands to be the "head of the home(spiritual leader)", and they have no desire to usurp that God-given position of leadership. They know what the Bible says on the subject, and discerning wives want to do what God wants because they understand that God’s ways work best.

However, severe problems often arise in this area because a wife is afraid to submit to her husband for two reasons:

Reason #1: Her husband thinks submission is only a noun, and he uses it as a weapon.
Reason #2: Her husband has himself not made the choice in his heart to be fully submitted to God. How can she respect him if he will not submit to authority?

CHECK OUT MY BLOGS ON NARCISSISM! This man or woman is an entirely different matter and must be avoided! 

See you next blog,

Ted