12 COMMANDMENTS I GIVE UNTO THEE OR THE IMPORTANCE OF PICKING A REAL CHRISTIAN HUSBAND FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Statistics show that one out of every two marriages ends in divorce in America. This is frightening, appalling, and heart breaking! What has happened to the sacred institution of marriage that is ordained of God? How long can our nation survive when it is crumbling within like a decaying skyscraper? When our homes are gone, everything will be lost because the home is the foundation of our society. As the home goes, so goes the nation, and as the nation goes, so goes the world. All it takes to establish and sustain a happy home is a Christian husband and a Christian wife who are totally committed to Jesus as evident by their walk and then to each other.

 THIS POST IS FOR YOU LADIES:

Therein lies the problem. Most of you ladies pick "churched" mates OR SO-CALLED GOOD MEN, thinking they are the real deal when in fact you have not truly examined them closely to see if they live the walk instead of just talking  the talk. How do you pick the real thing? 

Here you go gals ...here are the tests and believe me, you better test or you will end up accepting a fraud.

Does he exhibit the Fruits of the Spirit daily as required of believers in Galatians 5:22-25? Look them up if you don't know them (any of us can have a bad day but even then that fruit can be seen with a casual glance). IF HE DOES NOT EXHIBIT THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT DAILY, NEITHER YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE NURTURED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO CHRIST OUR LORD-HE IS A FRAUD!!!

Does he protect you? (I'm not talking about him saying he would give his life for you. Talk is cheap. Instead, does he protect your spirit by spontaneous Spirit-filled prayer? Does he protect your overall well-being-making you feel good about yourself? Does he ensure your safety in the home and on the go? Does he give unselfishly without asking or expecting anything in return?  If your intended cannot do these three very vital things for you, he will not protect your life! HE IS A LIAR!!!

Is he open to correction and have a teachable spirit? The Lord himself insisted that we be teachable and the Word of God tells us that we are to accept correction with a humble spirit...that includes correction from our wives. Hebrews 12 :3 tells us that we must accept correction willingly or we are not truly sons of God. If your intended covers his sins and puts them back on you for not meeting his desires and balks at correction, RUN AWAY! HE IS A TALKER NOT A DOER AND PROBABLY A SELF-RIGHTEOUS FOOL!!!

Does he respect you? Does he honestly ask you to impart some of your wisdom into his thinking? Does he make you feel important when it comes to decision making and honestly implement your thinking into his mental process. Does he honor you in front of friends and strangers or put you down with jibes in so called jest or harsh critique? IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR OPINIONS AND FEELINGS ARE BEING DISMISSED-THEY ARE! RUN!!! HE IS  A HATER AND LACKS COMPASSION!!!

Is he generous with his possessions? Proverbs 28:27 says he who gives to the poor generously will not lack, but he who hides his eyes from poverty and need will be cursed! If he is not generous with the poor and those in need, he will not be generous or kind with his family! HE IS GREEDY AND STINGY!!!

Does he promote others with good will or look down on those of a lower station in life with contempt? There are no less than 100 scriptures that tell you that a proud and haughty spirit is cursed by God and that calamity will follow those who are haughty and selfish. Do you honestly want YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN to suffer with a HAUGHTY AND ARROGANT fool the rest of your lives ladies?

Lastly, does he exhibit Godly wisdom or foolish behavior? All of the bad behaviors listed above are exhibited by a fool who does not walk with God, but only pretends to be something he can never be. Ladies, if you hitch your wagon to a fool WHO ONLY SPOUTS HIS SPECIAL BRAND OF WORLDLY WISDOM AND SEES HIMSELF AS WISE WHEN HIS BEHAVIOR SAYS DIFFERENTLY, you and your children will live in misery! HE REALLY IS A FOOL-NO KIDDING!!!

READ ON!

It would be almost impossible to estimate the value of a Christian husband in a home. If you have one, you had better treasure your priceless jewel while you can and not wait until you are sobbing with regret. If he doesn't bring in "the green" quite as fast as you would like, but he prays with you in the morning and a bedtime every day, you are a very rich woman! If your husband attends worship with you, and teaches your children how to live a godly life, you are truly rich. A home can operate without a Christian husband and even produce children who can become faithful Christian but at a terrible price, but how much better off the home is with a Christian husband as its head, provider, protector and guide.

The first thing a real, genuine Christian husband does is cleave-not parasitically. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep and formed woman from one of his ribs. That means he only has eyes for his wife alone and no other. When Adam got his first glimpse of God's beautiful creation, he ended his classic response to God's handiwork by saying, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). One tie must be broken before another can be established. Men must bear the burden for responsibility of a successful marriage according to scripture. Their responsibility is to give themselves as Christ did for the church...yes that means giving all your ambitions, hopes, and dreams up in order to serve your spouse and children. That means putting them and their needs above your own just as Jesus did for you, sir!

Like it or not, Christians divorce for various reasons so there must be a more intimate connection between a husband and his wife than exists between parents and children. Many broken marriages result in the joining of two very different views of marriage-each bringing their own personal baggage into the relationship.  Disagreements on how to handle money, family (each spouses parents and children), and leadership need to be ironed out long before another ring goes on the finger. Each spouse must take the time and trouble to ensure that the partner they are about to take on really exhibits fruit that says their walk before God is genuine. Women who marry self-absorbed, selfish, controlling men often end up divorcing again.

Will your intended be a considerate husband?  In 1 Peter 3:7 we read:  "Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them [your wives] according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." To dwell with your wife according to knowledge you must do some studying! Study your beloved and find out what she really does need. What makes her happy? What makes her nervous? What makes her relaxed? What makes her depressed? Most importantly, is he willing to die to his own desires to serve you and your children?

A Christian husband considers his wife very precious and gives her the honor that she is due. We always honor, protect, and cherish that which we consider precious, if we are wise. If your sweetheart is precious to you, don't hesitate or neglect to give her the honor that she deserves and craves. The husband should always consider the fact that his wife is physically weaker than he is and treat her accordingly, not make her feel inadequate because she does not have your physical strength. At least, this is the way it is supposed to work. Many women are not frail weaklings in any sense of the word, but generally speaking,, they are weaker physically than men to some degree.

A Christian husband always considers his wife to be a fellow heir of the grace of life, or life eternal. This makes the relationship so much more meaningful than it would otherwise be. Being fellow heirs, both husband and wife have the same shining goal in life - to serve Jesus Christ in this world. Everything they say and do should be directed toward reaching this worthy goal. Life may be like a roller coaster with its joys and sorrows, but there is still hope, strength, and peace when both husband and wife know where they are going. Nothing can keep them from reaching their mutual goal except their own unwise choice to be unfaithful and disobedient. This common goal adds a dimension to the marriage that enriches it, ennobles it and expands it. Men you are the shepherd of your home and it is your responsibility to prayerfully and carefully provide an atmosphere of love, peace, and acceptance for your family!

Twelve Commandments for Husbands (God only gave ten BUT WE TEND TO HEAR ONLY WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR)

1. Thou shalt love thy wife and commit thyself to her for a lifetime of oneness in marriage -divine and indivisible. Thou shalt make of thy marriage an exclusive relationship so that thy wife shall never have occasion to doubt thy love nor occasion for jealousy or lack of trust. As the scriptures say, "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25); "Cleave unto thy wife" (Genesis 2:24). NO ROVING EYES AND NO PORN EVER-JESUS CALLED IT ADULTERY!!!

2. Thou shalt seek to understand thy wife. Thou shalt not be able to understand her in every case, but thou shalt make a lifetime effort to do so and not criticize her. As the scriptures say, "Husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge" (1 Peter 3:7). LISTEN ATTENTIVELY AND TALK LESS YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING!!!

3. Thou shalt talk to thy wife when thou comest home from thy work, when thou sittest in thine house, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Thou shalt at times turn off your favorite television program to assure thy wife she is more cherished than your favorite program, for communication is an expression of love. As the scriptures say, "Live a life of love" (Ephesians 5:2). ACTIONS SPEAK VOLUMES ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS TOWARD HER!!!

4.  Thou shalt not talk down to thy wife nor use sarcasm or ridicule. Thou shalt not belittle her, for her sense of self-worth is much dependent on your appreciation and encouragement of her. As the scriptures say, "Love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4), and again, "Do everything without complaining or arguing" (Philippians 2:14), and again, "In honor prefer one another" (Romans 12:10). HONORING COSTS YOU YOUR PRIDE. GIVE IT UP EARLY OR LIVE IN MISERY!!!

5. Thou shalt listen to thy wife, asking for her advice and opinions, and recognizing her mental abilities and talents, as Abraham asked and followed Sarah's advice. Thou shalt also look lovingly and with attentiveness to thy wife when she speaks to thee. As the scriptures say, "Love is not proud or rude" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5.)  SHE MAY BE WEAKER PHYSICALLY BUT JUST AS STRONG AND CAPABLE MENTALLY!!!

6. Thou shalt not lord it over thy wife, recognizing that the two of you are equal before God and that leadership in the home does not mean dictatorship. Neither does it mean being waited on nor having the best piece of chicken. Leadership means moral, financial, and spiritual responsibilities. Headship in the home also means sacrifice and service. As the scriptures say, "Submit yourselves one to another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21), and "Husbands, do not be harsh with them" (Colossians 3:19). Thou shalt not abdicate thy leadership role because of apathy or indifference, for love cares and bears all things. GOD GAVE YOU A LEADERSHIP POSITION IN THE HOME BUT YOU MUST EARN IT TO KEEP IT!!!

 7.  Thou shalt see that thy wife is thy best friend.  The closest of all human relationships is marriage and it should know joyous comradeship, with laughter and good humor. Thou shalt share affection and confidences with thy wife and long to be in her presence. As the scriptures say, "Live joyfully with thy wife whom thou lovest" (Ecclesiastes 9:9). A FRIEND STICKS CLOSER THAN A BROTHER BECAUSE WE PICK OUR FRIENDS!!!

8. Thou shalt help thy wife in all those ways that sacrificial love would help, giving her of thy time, money, attention, affection (yea, even washing the dishes as needed without complaining), remembering that the scriptures say, "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). THAT INCOME YOU MAKE IS NOT YOURS IT BELONGS TO YOUR FAMILY SIR!!! IF YOU ARE STINGY WITH THESE THINGS YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SERVANT OF CHRIST!!!

9. Thou shalt accept thy wife as she is. Thou shalt not expect perfection. Thou shalt forgive her of her mistakes and confess thine own to her, remembering that "love covereth all sins" (Prov. 10:12).  "Forgive each other as God in Christ has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32). IF YOU WANT TO BE FORGIVEN YOU MUST SHOW TRUE REPENTENCE BY YOUR DEEDS AND THAT TAKES TIME!!!

10. Thou shalt practice tenderness as the essential emotion, realizing that sex is a gift of God which expresses and enhances love. Sex is giving joy as well as receiving it. Thou shalt consider that nothing can erode the sexual union more than selfishness. Remember the scriptures say, "The husband's body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife" (1 Corinthians 7:4); "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28); "As ye would that (she) should do unto you do ye even so unto (her)” (Matthew 7:12). SHE HAS A RIGHT TO SAY NO GENTLEMEN-REAL LOVE WILL WIN HER BACK WOMEN KNOW WHEN THEY ARE NOT BEING LOVED, BUT INSTEAD OBJECTIFIED!!!

11. Thou shalt in some way each day show thy wife that "I need you,” that “I appreciate you,” and that "I want to help you." So shalt thy marriage become a strong and blest tie that binds two hearts in Christian love. ANYTHING LESS THAN THIS WILL MAKE SHIPWRECK OF A MARRIAGE IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE SHE CANNOT READ YOUR MIND SHE NEEDS TO HEAR YOUR WORDS!!!

12. And should thy marriage become trying and seemingly an endurance contest, thou shalt not quit giving of yourself. Thou shalt "bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). Thou shalt trust thy God who is love and who is the God of the resurrection to rekindle and renew thy love. Thou shalt treat thy wife as thou didst when love was new. And having done all, thou shalt "suffer long" and "cast thy burdens on the Lord" knowing that he careth for thee and thy mate (1 Peter 5:7). ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH PRAYING OVER, ANGUISHING OVER, AND CONSTANT NURTURING!!!

Conclusion:

Some churches and pastors tell a couple that the man is entitled to respect, entitled to be loved in spite of his foolishness, entitled to have sex on demand and if you are fool enough to do this you will deserve the separation of hearts and your marriage. THE TRUTH IS THAT YOU ARE ENTITLED ONLY TO WHATEVER YOU EARN BY LOVING WELL IN A MARRIAGE. THERE IS AN IMMUTABLE LAW CALLED REAPING AND SOWING. WHATEVER YOU SOW YOU WILL REAP LATER THAN YOU SOW, AND MORE THAN YOU SOW-SOW WISELY!!! Jesus was our example of strength tempered by love. You can only hurt someone so much before they shut down inside and can no longer find a reason to love. God gave women a special ability to love and forgive but if men insists on causing pain you are sowing discord and you will reap a whirlwind of loneliness and misery of your own doing!

Ladies if you feel something is wrong then it is!!! Don't be in such an all-fired hurry to over-look bad behavior. The consequence is misery for you, your children and your families! Don't let him give you the line that "you are not perfect either,", because that is a clear signal that he wants you to give him a pass for his sins which you will later find are many. Love covers a multitude of sins but not those where there is no repentance! God gives you wisdom if you ask according to James1:5-6-USE IT! By the way, I have been guilty in the past of most of this stupidity at one time or another so I am speaking as an EXPERT ON WHAT NOT TO DO TO NURTURE A HEALTHY MARRIAGE!

See you next blog,
Ted

DOMESTIC ABUSE – NO “HAPPILY EVER AFTER”

Unfortunately there are no happy endings when it comes to domestic violence...ladies that includes verbal violence because it steals your joy and sucks the life out of you over a period of time. Verbal abuse actually does as much damage or more than physical abuse. Both lead to misery and life-long pain that will never go away and does not affect only you because your children will repeat what they have heard and seen. This article is by Terry Loving and so very important that women understand that ABUSE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE IN ANY FORM BY GOD!!!

King James 2000 Bible (©2003)

“For he flatters himself in his own eyes, until his iniquity is found to be hateful.

(I wrote this post a while back for my website – the message is worthy of repeating)

I can remember stories, those things my mother said

She told me fairy tales before I went to bed

She spoke of happy endings then tucked me in real tight

She turned my night light on and kissed my face good night

My mind would fill with visions of perfect paradise

She told me everything, she said he’d be so nice

He’d ride up on his horse and take me away one night

I’d be so happy with him, we’d ride clean out of sight

She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie

She never said that maybe, someday he’d say goodbye

The story ends, as stories do

Reality steps into view

No longer living life in paradise

Of fairy tales, no

She spoke about happy endings, of stories not like this

She said he’d slay all dragons, defeat the evil prince

She said he’d come to save me, swim through the stormy seas

I’d understand the story, it would be good for me

You never came to save me, you let me stand alone

Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold

My story end, as stories do

Reality steps into view

No longer living life in paradise

No fairy tales, yes

I don’t look for pie up in the sky, baby

Need reality, now, said I Don’t feel the need to be pacified, don’t cha try

Honey, I know you lied

You never came to save me, you let me stand alone

Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold

I found no magic potion, no horse with wings to fly

I found the poison apple, my destiny to die

No royal kiss could save me, no magic spell to spin

My fantasy is over, my life must now begin

My story end, as stories do

Reality steps into view

No longer living life in paradise

No fairy tales, hey, hey

Oh, Lord

Read more: ANITA BAKER – FAIRY TALES LYRICS

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I grew up reading Dick and Jane, Cinderella, and all the books that young girls cherished about love and romance and happiness at home with loving parents. I lived in a row home in Philadelphia, but that did not stop me from envisioning my Prince riding down my street, coming to rescue me. Our row home did not have a white picket fence, no matter. Someday my Prince and I would have a white picket fence of our own.

One day he would ride boldly to my mother’s house, and demand to take me away from the madness; the fury of domestic violence. No more would I suffer neglect and the damaging effects of the violence, for my Prince would take me away in a flash. While riding on the back of his beautiful stallion, I would wave goodbye to my mother’s dysfunctional household, leaving all the pain and misery behind.

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There would be no need to pack the rags that I was accustomed to wearing. My Prince would provide any and everything that I could possibly need. There would be no more hunger, for I would feast on the delicacies prepared by staff in his far away castle. My mind would only know peace, no more war. No more waking up in the middle of the night, crying, frightened, and bewildered.

I would stay at home like “Mother” in Dick and Jane – waving goodbye every morning from the edge of our white picket fence. I would be beautiful, at peace, and know only love and deep affection. My Prince would come home faithfully to me, and only have eyes for me and me alone. Like Cinderella, my Prince would reject all others, and we would live happily ever after. Oh dear mother, someday, I will leave your madness, and fly away.

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I dreamed of my Prince back in the 60’s, and here it is 2012, and women are still waiting for a Knight in shining armor. A new generation is envisioning the same white picket fence that I prayed for years ago. It seems that no one has bothered to tell them the truth, what a shame!

Before I move on, I am not some kind of Prophetess of doom. I am a realist, and life has taught me to be one over and over again – especially in the area of personal relationships and marriage. Anita Baker says it best in her song-Fairy Tales, “Reality steps into view.”

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Now there is nothing wrong with young girls reading Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and books of this sort. However, those who place these books in their hands should inform them that these books are for “entertainment only.” Better yet, the books should come with a warning, “This is not real life!”

Children find their own way to cope with violence and neglect while growing up.  My coping mechanism was reading, and my imagination. I was a dreamer, and dreaming was my escape. My books were the gateway to another world, one that did not know domestic violence, abuse, or neglect. Unfortunately children who are abused often pick abusive partners in life.

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On the other hand, perhaps there are mothers’ who read these stories to their young daughters, and they live in homes not filled with violence. Everyone loves a love story with a happy ending, and caring mothers try hard to present the good in the world to their children. Loving parents try to avoid planting seeds of paranoia concerning dysfunctional people in the world, so sometimes fantasy is a good thing.

If I were raising a little girl today that loved to read fairy tales, I would read them with her. I would not take away the part of her that dreams of having a good marriage someday. But I would definitely let her know that real life isn’t how we fantasize it to be. She could keep her fantasies, but she would also be armed with reality.

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HAPPY ENDINGS

Movie goers love a happy ending. After all the drama, pitfalls, obstacles, and antagonism, we all root for our heroes to win the struggle. When our hero dies, we are disappointed. When love dies, we are devastated. Most, if not all couples anticipate happiness in their marriage. Unfortunately, the divorce rate shrinks the percentage. As we read about the divorce rate in our country, we know that not many people have found what makes for longevity, and happiness in a marriage.

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The only “perfect paradise” that I believe exists is the one spoken of in the Bible. Jesus told the thief on the cross that was condemned to die alongside of Him, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise”(Luke 23:43). Adam and Eve experienced paradise on earth, and they blew it, Genesis chapter 3. We are living in a fallen, sin-filled world where nothing and no flesh is perfect.

You may meet a “nice” man, and he may seem to be the answer to your prayers. But with the absence of a good Christian father, and correct Biblical teaching, you may not know what to look for in choosing the right man for you. Or, allowing the right man to choose you. “Nice” could be a cover-up for many negative characteristics that will come out later. So, what can you do? Listen to our heavenly Father’s guidance:

“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God…”  (1 John 4:1).

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Although the above scripture is referring to false prophets, the same advice should apply to Mr. “Nice.” The Greek work for “spirit” is PNEUMA. It can be used in reference to “the breath”

(2 Thessalonians 2:8). And “the immaterial, invisible part of man,” (Luke 8:55). PNEUMA also refers to the “sentient element in man, that by which he perceives, reflects, feels, desires,” (Matthew 26:41), and in Romans 7:22, “the inner man.”

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So when we “test” the spirits of others, we are searching for the qualities that one who claims to serve God should possess. Is Mr. “Nice” humble in spirit? God was able to use Moses because he was “very humble-more than any man who was on the face of the earth” (Numbers 12:3). Your Mr. “Nice” may not be on the same spiritual level as Moses, but possessing humility will bring him God’s grace. Here is an example of a check list that you can use to “test the spirit” of your new love, or the man you have doubts about.

(James 4:6-10; Job 5:11; Matthew 23:12)

“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” Does he humble himself in the presence of our Lord? Does Mr. “Nice” treat you and others with disrespect, or does he humble himself in front of your family and friends? How does he treat you in private? When no one else is around, does he still exhibit Christ-like qualities? Or does he change into a tyrant?

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Proverbs 16:32; 15:29; Proverbs 15:2)

Is he able to rule his spirit?  Is he quick or even tempered? Does Mr. “Nice” have a problem with verbal abuse? Are there signs of anger? When he speaks, does he speak words of wisdom, or does his mouth bring forth folly? Has he ever threatened violence or acted on it? Does he throw things when upset, or frighten you with his anger?

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(Ecclesiastes 7:8; Ephesians 4:32)

Is your Knight patient in spirit, or does he exhibit haughtiness of spirit? Does he walk in the Spirit of God? And possess the fruits of the Spirit? And they are:

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Does he easily forgive others their trespasses?

(1 John 3:4-10; Ephesians 5:3)

Does Mr. “Nice” lead you into sin when you want to do what is right? Do you find yourself compromising your salvation to have this man in your life? Does he often say things like “God understands” when he continually sins and entices you to do so?

(Colossians 3:9; Ephesians 4:25; Proverbs 19:22; John 8:44; Psalm 52:1-4)

Has your Knight ever lied to you? Does Mr. “Nice” make a habit of lying to you or others? Have you found his words and actions to be unreliable? Does he say one thing, and do another? Does he lack integrity?

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(1 Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 1:1-19)

Does Mr. “Nice” keep good company? Have you ever met his family and friends? What are they like? Does he try to isolate you from your family and friends? Have you ever been told that he is all that you need, and you do not need your family and friends anymore? Be very careful with isolation, abusers plot to get you alone and away from support of family and friends.

(Psalm 53:1; Ecclesiastes 12:13; Psalm 10:4)

Most importantly, does your Mr. “Nice” believe in God, worship God, fear God, acknowledge God, and encourage others to serve God? Does he pray to the God of heaven? Does he trust God? Does he hinder you from worshiping God? Does he manipulate your religious beliefs? Make fun of them? Put you down because you are a believer?

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Certainly this list could go on and on. However, I have laid a foundation upon which you could and should assess your future or current mate – especially if you are experiencing violence, abuse or threats of any kind. This list is not meant to frighten you in any way. Nor is it meant to eliminate the wonders or courtship, or cause you to become fearful of others. It simply serves as a guide to the kind of man that will treat you with respect, and love you as God demands that you should be loved.

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In order to form relationships with other human beings, there has to be some level of trust. However, when we operate with blind faith, we often set ourselves up for situations that may be difficult to get out of. Domestic violence and abuse are very good examples of harmful situations that may not entirely be avoided, but you won’t miss the signs if you allow yourself to recognize the handwriting on the wall.

When you find yourself being wooed and courted with flattery, hopefully this list and others will be embedded within your heart for future references. Otherwise, you may assume that over-flattering behavior is normal. If you are in a new relationship, be careful if your admirer is: A. Obsessed with you. B. In a hurry to form a more mature relationship. C. Adores you and barely knows you. Usually, these signs are huge red flags that should not be ignored. They often mean that a messed up person is trying to intimately connect with you before their inner demons rear their ugly heads, and you see him or her for what, and who they really are.

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NOTE: Satan’s most effective tool is deception. Even if the abused miss the warning signs, the violent and abusive behaviors are still the responsibility of the abusers.

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“REALITY”

Abusers are no better than brute beasts!

Unfortunately, many women live with beastly behavior everyday, sad.

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It is not your destiny to die at the hands of abusers.

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WHEN FAIRY TALES DON’T COME TRUE 

Domestic Violence The Story of Power and Control (PDF)

PLEASE DOWNLOAD THE PDF!!!

See you next blog,

Ted

26NOV

Butterfly Or Caterpillar? Transforming vs Conforming

Romans 12:2 (KJV) ~ And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. 

I think the biggest blessing comes to us when we are  asked this question, “Do you really know that you are a child of God?” Now the enormity of that statement did not sink in right away. I had not perceived it in my spirit. My position was the same as that of King David, who before he had a revelation, before he perceived that he was king, never really knew the enormity of what it meant that he was a King. The Bible says in 1 Chronicles 14:2 (KJV), “And David perceived that the LORD had confirmed him king over Israel , for his kingdom was lifted up on high, because of his people Israel .” The revelation had dropped from his head to his heart. When I understood and perceived that I was a child of God, it was then, and only then, that I began to look at things differently. My old mindset was freed from the bondage of its restrictions.  

We are all going to choose one way or another. We are either going to be conformed into what people, your job, your hobby, your church (pick whatever obsession you have), want you to be like or we will be transformed, but transformation is a process that is very different than conforming. Conforming means that you, by your own will, fashion yourself to be like the rest, whereas being transformed by the renewing or our mind means that we allow Christ's Holy Spirit to change our way of thinking and believing. We are in the process of becoming what we are to be according to His will and good pleasure. He changes us from the inside out!!! That is HUGE! In conforming yourself, your walk is very shallow if even existant, but in transformation we are set free to be who God chose us to be...We take on His DNA!

In the film, The Matrix, there is an amazing fight scene between Morpheus and Neo. Morpheus is training Neo to learn to fight, but there is much more at stake than just fighting. Morpheus says to Neo, “I can only show you the door; it is up to you to enter in. You are faster than that. Don’t just think you are, know you are. Free your mind!” 

Now, truthfully, the only freedom we should allow in our mind is the freedom that comes from genuine faith, not works, or doing, or even self-becoming. You see the world wants us to embrace it's standard and to free our minds to be what it wants us to be and drop preconceived notions...especially those of faith in Christ. The enemy of our soul wants us to free our minds to take on a worldly, selfish state of mind, body, and spirit that has nothing to do with God's Holy Spirit transforming us into His likeness. Our flesh wants us to open our minds to experiencing new thrills even to the extreme point of FOOLISHNESS! Somehow we begin to believe that the next thrill be will the ultimate experience and again we end up needing something else to thrill us. That next thing can lead to a premature death, disfigurement, or disillusionment, and depression rather than experiencing the real joy walking with the living God and enjoying our salvation experience.

Just because those of us with common sense realize thrill-seeking is a pointless endeavor does that mean that we have accustomed ourselves to expect less from life, even failure? For many people it has been the only thing that they have ever known. Can we be trapped in mindsets? Do we fall into the trap of thinking that God can use everyone else but me? 

What is needed in order to renew our minds to be more like Him? We must meditate on the word of God, and spend time before the Lord in prayer for wisdom and to know Him more, for the Bible says in Colossians 2:3 (KJV), “In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge”. When we allow the word of God, and the work of the Holy Spirit to change us, to penetrate our minds and our hearts so we can have a more positive outlook, then no longer will we be clothed in inferiority complexes, but rather we will be clothed in the power of the Lord. As we daily let the word of God change us, we will grow in courage and boldness, and be more confident in our everyday lives. We will no longer just linger on the peripheral of things, but will enter into the fullness of what God has for us. The door of wisdom and knowledge is before us and we enter through the Gate, who is Jesus Christ.

 For the Bible says in John 8:32 (NIV), “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”. As we trust in Jesus, the bondage will be broken and our minds will be free to know more about Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. Just as David perceived in his mind and heart that he was a King, so we will, by the help of the Holy Spirit, not just think we are a child of God, but we will know we are! Then we will learn to live in the fullness of that amazing revelation. The Bible says in Ephesians 1:17 (KJV), “That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him”; to know that you ARE A CHILD OF THE LIVING GOD! 

See you next blog,
Ted

CAN YOU HELP A RELATIVE LEAVE HER ABUSIVE HUSBAND?

According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, millions of women are abused every year by their boyfriends or husbands. If one of your relatives is a victim of abuse, you may wonder why she doesn't leave. Many women hesitate to leave an abusive husband for a number of reasons. However, there are steps you can take to convince your relative she needs to leave for her safety, sanity and self-respect.
Dealing with an abusive husband is generally not an easy task for any woman to deal with. However, this is not an environment you should stay in and no woman or person deserves to be abused by a spouse.THE PROBLEM SEEMS TO BE IN GETTING A WOMAN TO ADMIT SHE ALWAYS ABUSED EVEN WHEN IT IS OBVIOUS TO THOSE WHO SEE IT, BECAUSE ABUSE IS A CONSTANT CYCLE ACCORDING TO THE AIDV, THE MAYO CLINIC, AND DR. IRENE AT DR. IRENE'S VERBAL ABUSE SITE: 

http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders. TIME IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE-ABUSE CHANGES YOU, SOMETIMES FOREVER

Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!

The Tension-Building Stage: The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.

The Abuse Stage: A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.

The Remorse Stage: Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.

As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.

The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle. 

Doc's Advice: TRUST HIS PAST ACTIONS, not words TAKE ACTION AND GET OUT!

Instructions
Listen to her fears. Determine if she has financial worries or concerns about her safety if she leaves. Address each fear, and help her find a solution. Discuss legal resources, such as restraining orders or getting child support.

Tell her what the abuse has done to her. She may need someone else to tell her how she has changed and how her self-respect is being hurt. Give her examples of how the abuse is impacting her life. If she has children, tell her how the abuse may hurt them.

Help her to understand she is not at fault. An abusive husband may convince the victim everything is her fault. Between the abuse and low self-esteem, she may believe him. Reassure her that he is at fault, and no one has the right to abuse another person.

Ask what she needs from you. She may need you to help her pack up her belongings or watch her children. Being in an abusive relationship has likely damaged her ability to trust. Tell her you will be there for emotional support and that she can count on you. TELL HER TO BLOCK HIS CALLS AND PLEAS FOR A MEETING!

Find her community resources. Locate a battered women's shelter in your area. Find support groups for her with women dealing with an abusive husband. Give her all the information you have gathered. Knowing she has support and resources may help convince her to leave her abuser. However, some will never leave and forever second-guess the correct decision to leave a toxic and dangerous situation, BUT BE PATIENT AND KEEP OFFERING PROOF OF HER ABUSE! 

Unfortunately many abused never leave their abuser or they may actually return to their abuser and live out a miserable existence because of fear or feeling sorry for the monster. The truth is that abusers always abuse! For your own peace of mind and sanity GET OUT AND LET THE ABUSER LIVE IN SELF-TORMENT BECAUSE HE NOW HAS NO ONE TO ABUSE!

SEE YOU NEXT BLOG,
Ted