ABUSE: It's About Power and Control

That's right! If you are married to an ABUSER, that man you married for better or for worse, to love, honor, and obey wants to control your life! In fact, it consumes his thoughts every day! You can bet the ABUSER will hold you to your marriage vows in spite of the fact he has broken the "sacred" covenant with you multiple times. I bet you never thought anyone could be so single-minded about power and control. Normal people realize that total control of our environment is an illusion. The ABUSER lives for control of their whole environment! 


At some point, violence will occur or has occurred, but that does not mean the ABUSER will pummel you constantly although there are marriages like that. It usually happens when he feels he has lost complete control of a situation. The chart below illustrates the cycle of Abuse and Violence. Using any or all of these are ABUSE!!! Usually an ABUSER will try to get some small gesture like apologies or sexual advances to test your resolve before moving on to their next tactic to gain control. Do you see yourself in this endless misery? GET OUT! Every counselor worth their credentials will tell you the same thing!

Sandra Scott, In her book, Charmers & Con Artists &Their Flip Side summarizes the charmer and con artist this way:

“A healthy person seeks to be good. A Charmer seeks to be perceived as good because he desperately needs to believe he is a good guy, because he fears he isn’t.

A con artist seeks to be perceived as good a good guy in order to get what he wants.” 


Her warning should be taken seriously: “The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money. The Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity, your self -esteem, your very soul. The con artist robs and leaves you sadder but wiser. The Charmer rapes your spirit and drags you with him into his own personal hell.”

In her book, Charmers & Con Artists &Their Flip Side, author Sandra Scott

identifies the following characteristics:

Here is a check list of traits that will help you identify what traits your ABUSER exercises over your life. That ABUSER you are engaged to or married to can have a combination of these traits:

Charmers . . .

 are often described as “the nicest

guy you could ever know,” but in

relationships they are very

controlling, self-serving, and

irresponsible

 seldom agree to therapy. They

don’t see a problem with themselves

so why should they change? If they

go to therapy, they try to charm the

therapist.

 look good on the outside, but an

ulterior motive lurks on the inside

 see themselves as victims rather

than those they hurt

 believe they are special and entitled

to special behavior; rules that apply

to others do not apply to them

 have their own brand of logic and an

excuse for everything

 appear to be very giving, but there is

always a price to pay for their

attention

 can apologize easily, but there is no

true repentance

 don’t feel love or guilt deeply, tend

to minimize the pain of those they

have hurt

 discredit their accusers when they

are confronted

 cope by making themselves the hero

in the worst situations

 are very clever, and often able to

keep from being caught

 have extreme shifts in personality,

may be kind and sarcastic in the

same instant

 are very needy, and blame others for

not being able to meet their needs

 appear to be very sensitive to others,

and use their sense of humor to

make others laugh or feel good

 shift attention off themselves onto

others to keep from being found

out

 depend on lies and deception to

maintain a good image

 need power and control to bolster

their low self-esteem and very

fragile ego

 have a distorted sense of shame,

and feel no embarrassment in

doing whatever is necessary to get

their needs satisfied

 are Narcissistic, and need to believe

they are superior to others! Look up 
Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 are intimidated by intelligent,

perceptive women

 live in constant fear of discovery

 find and use those who will

appreciate and adore them

 rationalize their behavior with no

remorse for the pain they cause

 are one frustration away from

violence

 will not change as long as life

works for them and there are no

consequences to face

 are the center of their world and

need constant praise and adoration

from others

 know how to win the confidence of

others, and use personal

information against them later to

make themselves feel better or

superior

 view their own thoughts and words

as ultimate truth

 use kindness as a smoke screen to

solicit silence or lack of

confrontation of their actions

 are master manipulators who zero

in on others’ point of weakness

 lay heavy guilt trips on anyone

who confronts their bad behavior

 twist the truth, lie, distract, accuse

and use irrational and irrelevant

arguments if confronted

 lack healthy shame

 mess with your mind to make

themselves look normal—twist,

distort, and tarnish your reputation

 know how to play the courtroom

game and come across more credible

than their victims

Con Artists . . .

 are motivated by greed for material

gain

 choose those to whom they show

genuine love and affection, with the

capability of killing a stranger or

enemy without regret

 have a selective conscience with their

own code of ethics

 know right from wrong, but choose to

do wrong to get what they want

 seek trusting or naïve people to con

 often back off or move on to con

someone else when they don’t get

what they want

 will resort to violence when they

cannot escape

 make the conscious choice to do evil

 don’t mind hurting others as long as

they get what they want

Next blog we will talk about dealing with the abuser and COURAGE!!!
See you next blog,
Ted