Pastors BEWARE The Abuser In Your Church

I have decided to take up the cause of spousal abuse and spousal rape in Christian homes! Why? Because it is happening all over the world and is even sanctioned by cultic sects and even overlooked by mainstream churches and pastors. These churches teach men every scripture about the woman's role in being submissive but the miss the real importance of a man's role as being Christ in the home. It is, in fact, Pharisaic Legalism! Jesus never condoned legalism! To this type of cowardly man, sex and dominance in the home is everything in the relationship, not love. 


As a pastor and biblical counselor, I am reminded of how shocked I was to discover, so called, Christian men in my church who actually lived to control their wives and children to the point of abuse. I grew up with an abusive father but he never pretended to be a Christian. I knew the terror a child knows when confronted with a bully for a father. Tragically, I also knew how much I wanted my father to accept me and the realization he never would.


As a pastor, I was often asked by family members of loved ones with personality disorders if there are any common characteristics that I believe that most people with dangerous behavior patterns all have.  Of course, there are common patterns such as self-sabotage cycles, edge of the envelope activities, inflated egos demanding perfectionism in others while excusing themselves, feelings of superiority over others,  selfishness or self-focused thoughts, and self-pity when they can't get what they want. Feelings of misery when they can't be adored. Perhaps THE strongest patterns that I witness is the need that many people with addictions have for “instant sexual gratification” or, in other words, the hedonistic need for wanting something pleasurable immediately. They will even mimic love and offer things to get what they want. The problem is they are never fulfilled!  They demand more and the need for extravagance in sex becomes obsessive! 


The problem with instant gratification is that it becomes insatiable. People with addictions cannot “fill up” or be satisfied if their needs for instant gratification are met because they are always left wanting more. In fact, some individuals with sexual addictions will often describe themselves as an empty shell just waiting to be filled up. As a result, these people “grasp” at material wants, mood-altering drugs, hedonistic pleasures/indulgences like overt or sick sex, or attention from others to make them feel fulfilled. Some of these will focus on their “outside worlds” by working compulsively to pay for expensive houses, material items, family’s needs, cars, toys, etc. Such individuals are successful career people who have a lot to show for their working efforts. The problem, however, is that they expect the outside world of material values and status to provide them with inner contentment. They also expect those of their household to pay homage for their compulsive behavior. 


Material items and status are empty values and with a pattern of instant gratification, people with addictions become hooked into a cycle of just wanting more money, more attention, more status, more material items, and more resources to go towards increasing their ego needs. The problem with “more” is that it is never enough because with “more” of the above, people in these cycles just want “more” of the same while still expecting to attain some elusive state of happiness. These people say to themselves that they will be “happy when …” Such individuals do not realize that happiness comes from within and is cultivated through an attitude of gratitude.


The truth is that this type of man is committing a form of murder of the object of his need. You see this type of behavior over a period of time actually destroys that person's individuality. The object of the abusive spouse is slowly giving up their personhood in order to keep peace or keep from being blasted by a tirade of obsenities and name calling. Yes, I hope I hit a nerve with this blog! There is more to come and ways that Christian women can fight back to save their identities, including divorce from men who have broken their marriage vows with this behavior.  There is definitely more to come ladies!!!
See you in tomorrow's blog
Ted