Getting to Know the ABUSER and How TO DEAL WITH THEM!

Abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to exert control – for instance, over one's spouse – by "annexing" her, "possessing" her, and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.

In her seminal tome, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans (  http://www.verbalabuse.com/page14/page14.html ) lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:

"Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor to include inuendo, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger."

"To these we can add:

Wounding "honesty", ignoring, smothering, dotting, unrealistic expectations, invasion of privacy, tactlessness, constant sexual manipulations and abuse, accusations of betrayal by stabbing them in the back when telling others about them, physical maltreatment, humiliating, shaming, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and discarding, unpredictable, reacting disproportionately dramatic, dehumanizing, objectifying, abusing confidence and intimate information, engineering impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse."

One of the worst kinds of abusers is the Malignant Narcissist. 


There two sites I highly recommend for those currently in relationships or survivors of and NPD or Malignant Narcissist:


http://www.focusministries1.org/articles.asp

http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html



"For some survivors it feels like an emotional holocaust. For almost everyone it is misery, a nightmare. Pastor Jeff Crippen calls them the epitome of evil in a relationship and that thought is now growing in the Biblical Counseling community."


"A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel at times but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word "abuse" doesn't seem enough to express the torture."


"Sometimes charming, angelic at times, even demonstrating what seems on the surface as a form of loving care... and then lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it's our fault and we tolerated their abuse."


"Learn the secrets of the character-disordered, and those who share similar personalities or traits, how they suck you dry. Know that you are not alone. Neither are you crazy, though at times you may be lead to believe this by your ABUSER."


"Take back your life and your identity!"

They will rob you of all your hope and remind you that you are married for life. They will rob you of all your love and yet demand your love for them. They will milk all of your self-esteem, and leave you believing there is something wrong with you. They require constant sexual gratification and never seem to fill up. If you withhold sexual favors from them a tirade of name calling will follow and even violence at times.

Gary Walters, in his book, Out Of The Fog says this:


"The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he will usually control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her actions and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or at least taping conversations. 

"He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality."

"He is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members. He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy. He typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse sex. Pornography is usually employed to heighten his sexual stimulation. Rough sex and fantasizing are using par for the course when engaging in sexual relations with the abused. He is the king of his castle and usually believes that housework and childcare should be done for him. Any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference-usually sexual gratification. He is highly demanding."

"He is disrespectful; he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object. He communicates his sense of superiority around the house in various ways. He is often critical of others and feels that he is superior in every way to those with whom he must interact."

"The unifying principle is his attitude of ownership. The batterer believes that once you are in a committed relationship with him, you belong to him. This possessiveness in batterers is the reason why killings of battered women so commonly happen when victims are attempting to leave the relationship; a batterer does not believe that his partner has the right to end a relationship until he is ready to end it."

"Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple "abuse each other" and that the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful."

"It seems that CONTROL is their biggest need and do not always employ VIOLENCE but they will if VIOLENCE is needed to regain control."

How to deal with the Malignant Narcissist:


"First recognize that you may have become co-dependent and been his enabler by hiding his abusive behavior!"
http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html

"This takes real courage because what is required is to no longer show adoration or fear of this ABUSER. While you will never win an argument with this abuser, as they will continually remind you that you are to blame, removing your attention from him will send him reeling into depression and despondency. The time to leave is before he can recover his capability to manipulate and form alliances against you within the family."

"They will attempt to form alliances within the family to bolster their position and often use the children against each other and the abused spouse. Informing your family and friends of the abuse is imperative. You cannot enable this type of abuser by covering up his or her terrible behavior. Exposing this ABUSER will have consequences but at least it will be out in the open. They can be very charming when they have to and do not suffer bouts of conscience! They mimic love and employ various tactics to obtain what they want." 

"They are always playing a chess game with people's lives to get them to WORSHIP or ADMIRE THEM! You cannot allow them personal or sexual gratification, as this feeds their EGO NEEDS! LEAVE THEM TO THEIR OWN PRIVATE HELL OR THEY WILL DRAG YOU DOWN WITH THEM! GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU HAVE PARTNERED YOURSELF WITH AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!" 

"There are a few psychiatrist who believe, that while there is no real cure for the Malignant Narcissist, they can be treated over a long period of time to at least become self-aware of their problem. However the co-dependent spouse is not advised to stay with the ABUSER while undergoing treatment. In fact most Malignant Narcissist do not remain in treatment as they are incapable of seeing themselves as the problem,  therefore the "cure ratio" is very low!"


If you are currently in a court battle with your abuser this may be of some assistance:
http://www.abusedswan.com/DeannaKloostra.html
http://www.verbalabuse.com/



See you next blog,
Ted