Do You Suffer From Poor Memory And/Or Anxiety? Your Spouse Could Be The Source

Maybe you used to pride yourself on your organizational skills and memory. You had to keep up with a multitude of things because you had a large family or family members in need of help and not much help from a very self-involved husband(or wife)! Over time he(she) took away your self-confidence, your health, and your sense of well-being because he(she) is a practicing FOOL OF BIBLICAL PROPORTION! Over time you have suffered from health issues, memory loss-anxiety, and have questioned your own sanity at times. You suffer the affects of PTSD to some degree. I know about it, so does every soldier who ever went to war! Ladies(men) you are living with your enemy!!! By the way the real cost is to your children, because one or all will become just like your abuser.

A Narcissist's Emotional and Verbal Abuse Harm To Your Brain

http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com/Narcissist-Emotional-Verbal-Abuse-Harm-Brain.html

Dr. Diane England, PhD

It wasn’t that long ago that most neuroscientists thought we were born with most all of the neurons we’d ever have. While we might gain a few more during childhood, they believed that after that, all we could look forward to was the death of brain cells. Now we know differently. We are aware of neurogenesis, a process whereby new neurons are birthed in a part of the brain known as the hippocampus.

The hippocampus is part of the limbic system--also known as the "emotional brain." Why? Well, because it controls most of the involuntary aspects of emotional behavior that are related to survival. These include feelings that fall into the painful category such as fear and anger, as well as more pleasurable such as affection. Furthermore, the hippocampus is involved in the processes of learning and memory.

The fact that is such a thing as neurogenesis is the good news. But there is also some bad news to share if you are living in a toxic environment filled with your partner’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse.

How an Emotionally Toxic Environment Affects Your Brain

I probably don’t have to tell you that when you’re living with a narcissistic man who engages in verbal abuse and emotional abuse regularly, that your life is stressful. You might also find yourself ridden with anxiety and feeling depressed as you strive to deal with all you face. We now know, through magnetic resonance imaging, that stress-related disorders such as recurrent depressive illness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Cushing's disease are all associated with atrophy of the hippocampus. Furthermore, stress appears to decrease capacity for production of new neurons, too.

The hippocampus is involved with memory. While it participates in verbal memory, it plays a particularly important in the memory of "context," or the time and place of events that have a strong emotional bias. Memories associated with strong emotions--such as fear—are marked in such a way that the memory retains its vividness in a very persistent way. This is what happens in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

We typically associate PTSD with soldiers who have been in a combat zone. But women who’ve been in abusive relationships can suffer from PTSD as well. Like those former soldiers, they will often end up having brains that are hyper-vigilant, In other words, the brain is always scanning the environment for patterns similar to those in the memories associated with those strong emotions. This is the way this part of the brain is striving to ensure the individual’s survival. But it becomes overreact or responds to things that are not dangerous. The situation does not truly call for a fight or flight response that the brain ends up triggering.

You might believe that whatever it is that your senses take in, that the stimuli is first delivered to the part of your brain that is most rational. Then, once it is there, it is logically evaluated. As a result, the brain triggers a reasonable or appropriate reaction for the situation. In other words, you might consciously choose to engage in fight or flight behavior because your safety is threatened and this type of immediate action is required. Then again, if this rational part of the brain realizes that the pattern might have spelled danger in the past, but there is no imminent danger this time around, your body won’t react with the fight or flight reaction. However, it doesn’t always work this way. Instead, that more rational part of the brain is bypassed so that the automatic fight or flight reaction is triggered. Only after this has happened will the more rational part of the brain have an opportunity to decide, through conscious choice, what is a reaction truly appropriate to the situation.

Some have referred to this type of event, where the more primitive part of the brain is initially triggered versus the more rational part of the brain instead, as a hijacking of the brain. And in truth, this hijacking of the brain is most apt to occur in people who’ve experienced traumatic events in their lives. And remember, when you are being constantly abused by a narcissist spouse, you are ensuring ongoing trauma.

The trauma of the verbal abuse and the other forms of abuse you suffer may also result in cognitive impairment or memory problems. In fact, when I was married to an abusive narcissist and suffering the onslaught of his regular verbal abuse and emotional abuse, I know I suffered a decline in my cognitive abilities. I not only had more difficulty remembering things, but I also found it challenging to talk in complete sentences. Certainly, it was the worst around him. Was that because I was fearful of stating a complete idea because I knew he’d likely attack it as soon as I’d spoken it? Perhaps that had something to do with it. Nonetheless, I came to realize that this happened more often than just when I was with him. It came to occur when I was with caring friends, too.

I didn’t realize at the time that I was living in an environment that was resulting in the death of neurons and, of course, ensuring that new ones weren’t developed through the process of neurogenesis, either. Fortunately I did maintain enough cognitive functioning to realize that this was indeed a toxic environment in which to live and furthermore, things were probably going to continue to grow worse rather than better. I felt the environment was destroying my spirit and strangling my soul. I didn’t know to be concerned about the well-being of my brain. But then, we didn’t know about all this at that time, either.

Hopefully, you will be willing to acknowledge if you are living in an environment that is likely causing harm to your brain. This might not be a pleasant reality to have to face and accept. However, since many people won’t change until they’re awakened by something rather traumatic, perhaps realizing how you’re causing your brain to deteriorate just might be the wake-up call you need, don’t you imagine?

Wake up and smell the coffee ladies, You are living with a monster who is sapping your life out of you! Just because he isn't always that way does not mean you are not abused!

See you next blog,

Ted

Still Waiting For A Good Marriage With A Bad Partner?

The following is an article from Self Growth, by Dr. Diane England, PhD. It is a very thought provoking article for women who may or may not have realized they are married to either a Borderline or Malignant Narcissistic Personality. Having been a pastoral and biblical counselor, I can tell you that the after-effects are devastating over a period of years and could cost you your sanity and your health. Please heed what Dr. England has to say on this subject:

When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?
I bet you've discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn't that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and even sexual abuse, too. I am talking about non-consensual sex.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.
For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership. Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership. Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it. Rather like a very bad two-year-old.

The narcissistic throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, too. The difference is, they scream more than how they hate you; those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism are inclined to scream obscenities and/or imply other hurtful things. All of them help your self esteem to plunge, plus make the anxiety butterflies swirl, wouldn't you agree?

Let me back up a minute here, though. Perhaps you might want to argue that your spouse has never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. Please realize, however, that narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various internet articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. However, even lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in your relationship.

I might not have to tell you that. Then again, have you ever suspected your spouse’s emotional abuse and sexual abuse, for example, were associated with pathological levels of narcissism?

So, how many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder must your narcissistic spouse meet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for you to be the victim of his narcissism—which could be fueling his abuse plus perhaps alcoholism or drug addiction?

Sadly, too often, these all come together in one neatly wrapped package.
But back to the question I originally posed; I really can’t answer it.

What I will say, though, is don’t keep you eyes shut because in the beginning, things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had finally met your white knight. You might have been so enamored with him because of the whirlwind romance that included flowers, candlelight dinners, outrageously expensive gifts considering the time you’d been together, and romantic getaways that also included great sex(this does not apply to most Narcissist-only the most adept).

No, don’t keep thinking if you can only get it right, or do all the things he asks, those days will probably return.
I rather hate to tell you this, but you’re probably wrong. Oh, he might act that way now and then to keep you hooked in and believing you’re about to rediscover Camelot, but he is only seducing you—again.
A narcissist is like a leopard; he can not change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.

If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change—and not for the good.
In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Also, you might feel he has to give a great performance, and you’re always expected to commend him for a job well done, too. And rather than feeling closer to him, instead, have you felt you've become more and more merely an object to him? There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse, because they constantly need it. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual, however, that you haven’t actually seen the truth about what was happening—or where you have ended up as a result. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship with your narcissistic spouse, you might realize you've been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.

He not only doesn't bring flowers anymore (except when he feels he is losing control), but it is probably worse than that. You’d realize that if you got real about your marriage.

Yes, it is probably hardly a relationship in the sense that you define the word. Are you always worrying about what might please or displease him? And to ensure you do neither, do you do things against your personal values?

You probably want to avoid his narcissistic rage. And again, you hope if you’ll only do as he wants, things will be like they were in the early days—when you held hands and made love in what you thought was a romantic haze.
Again, it is time to get real. That was an act to suck you in. Now, though, if he is walking around being his self centered and grandiose self, engaging in emotional abuse and verbal abuse that causes your self worth to slip away daily, he is nonetheless likely being the man he will continue to be.

If you are codependent, you might well be able to somehow survive the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. You might keep telling yourself that the sexual abuse is not sexual abuse because you actually are okay with what he asks of you—as kinky as it perhaps has become.
I suspect you might be shut down and out of touch with your feelings, however. You also might be taking pride in your ability to cope with things you shouldn't have to cope with anyway. And if that is the case, realize you are not the first and last woman to make this discovery. Frankly, I myself have been there; I took pride in my martyrdom. But really, what’s the sense in that?

I decided I didn't like being in a relationship with a narcissist. I also knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with one again, though I suspect I met one or two along the path on my way to recovery from codependency.
Your life is yours to live as you please; you have to make your own choices. I suspect, though, that you give your life—and your narcissistic spouse—a good hard look. You might realize you've been bonded to a fantasy that was probably never more than that. Meanwhile, you stay stuck loving a narcissist while he serves up a mixture of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse—and some great times, too—to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what he pleases.

Why should you expect differently? Remember, he is self centered, he is self absorbed, and he lacks empathy. And because of his grandiosity, he feels entitled to do as he pleases. In turn, everyone else is here to serve him and meet his needs.

They must be kept in line and under his thumb. Yes, these are the spots of the narcissist. And no, they probably will not change. So really, is spending your life loving a narcissist the best use of both your love and your time?

I hope you’re moving your head back and forth. Ladies, if you are waiting for your Narcissist to change you are in for a very big disappointment. The only thing they change is tactics at getting what they want. If you leave them they will most likely hound you to distraction to come back. You are their source from which they draw their strength to abuse, but leave them you must.

This is an article written and posted to www.SelfGrowth.com in October, 2007. While you can still find it there--as well as other articles written for that site--I decided to include it here and to show the comments it had generated as of August 1, 2011.(Now, you can add your own comment at the end of that listing of previous comments.) It was nice that so many took the time to share their comments--and it would be nice if you do the same. Others will invariably be helped by not only reading the article, but by seeing yours and others' comments, too. If they ever thought that they were alone in what they've been facing, well, they shouldn't be after reading what all of you who've taken the time to post have had to say. --Diane England, Ph.D

See you next blog,
Ted

What Is a Healthy Love Relationship?

I have been  examining love and marriage relationships since I lost a nearly 20 year relationship with a my first wife...if ever a couple could do it all wrong we did! Unfortunately it didn't stop there, the unhealthy dating  choices, motives, and ideas continued for more marriages. Bad Christian teaching contributed to quite a bit of it...it should have been HEALTHY BIBLICAL TEACHING NOT SOME DENOMINATION'S IDEA OF HOW MARRIAGE OUGHT TO WORK! Well I have since discovered that I was not alone in failed relationships and that included some by very high profile Christian leaders. REAL  Christian relationships have very little excuse for failure if done correctly, however in spite of the fact that we have Jesus Christ as our example...there is a fly in the ointment-we are sinful people, with sinful wants and desires! Even the holiest of us is a sinner saved by GRACE ALONE! Am I saying because that is our born nature that we have license to sin, NO! Quite the contrary we are to reckon ourselves dead to sin and put on Christ. Again, there is a fly in the ointment, we have a battle to fight until we are with Jesus himself...but we must actively fight the battle. Christians are in a constant state of warfare according to the apostle Paul and he is right! That means Jesus must truly be at the head of our relationships so that we know what constitutes a healthy relationship. So let's examine WHAT IS A HEALTHY LOVE RELATIONSHIP:

Only a healthy heart(I'm talking spiritual heart here) can enter into healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are central to recovery for romance, relationship, and sex addicts. Recovery without healthy relationships only perpetuates the sinful self-obsession that led to addiction in the first place. In recovery we must learn to shift our focus, thus becoming free to share intimacy with others. If God is not first in both of your lives you cannot enjoy a healthy, loving relationship.

A healthy heart involved in healthy relationships is the precise opposite of addiction. Addiction maintains a secret life marked by fear and control. Genuine love, on the other hand, is marked by openness, trust, and the freedom to give oneself to another. Addictive behavior is a deceptive substitute whose effects last but a moment.

There are many contrasts between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Taken together they chart a continuum between the secular model and the biblical model. Understanding these contrasts can help us understand how healthy relationships work – and how we can grow toward them as part of the recovery process.

1. Reality vs. Fantasy. Healthy relationships are based in reality. Each person is aware of his own strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to hide or to try to fool the other. Each person is also aware of the other’s strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to pretend that problems don’t exist or to tiptoe around “unmentionable” areas. If the partner is weak in some area, he or she accepts it and helps accommodate or strengthen it.

Unhealthy relationships, by contrast, are based on fantasy. What could be or should be replaces what is. The elements of unreality become the focus. The relationship is built on a foundation that isn’t really there.

2. Completing vs. Finding Completion. In a healthy relationship, each person finds joy in sharing in the other person’s growth, in playing a role in “completing” the other.

In an unhealthy relationship the focus is on completing oneself. This selfish dynamic is at the heart of codependency. Too many people fling half a person into a relationship, expecting that it will be completed by the other. It never works. No one can ever meet such expectations. It is only a matter of time until substitutes are sought – either in the form of other relationships or in the form of dysfunctional and addictive behaviors.

3. Friendship vs. Victimization. A healthy relationship can be described as two good friends becoming better friends. The strongest and most successful relationships – even the most passionate and romantic marriages – have this kind of true friendship at the base. Where this base of true friendship is absent, the relationship is shallow and susceptible to being marked by victimization.

4. Sacrifice vs. Demand for Sacrifice. Few of the magazines that clutter the checkout counters of grocery stores publish articles extolling the joys of sacrifice. But no relationship can grow without it. Unfortunately, most of us are more accustomed to demanding sacrifice from our partner than to sacrificing our selves.

It’s one thing to love another when the going is easy. But character and depth are wrought in a relationship when love requires the surrender of preference and privilege. Nothing strengthens a relationship like sacrifice. Indeed, it often seems that the greater the sacrifice, the more thorough the death to self, the greater the potential for the relationship.

Our relationship with God requires sacrifice. His relationship with us required nothing less than the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ. Building a relationship – or restoring one that has been ravaged by the effects of addiction – depends on the willingness of both parties to sacrifice for each other, without demanding anything in return.

5. Forgiveness vs. Resentment. Forgiveness is a miraculous gift between two people. A relationship flourishes when we are willing to forgive past hurts and disappointments. Refusing to forgive is like carrying around a garbage bag full of hurts of the past. Every time someone makes a mistake, we toss it into the bag and carry it with us forever.

There are no garbage bags in healthy relationships. Out of love, the partners take the hurt and disappointment of the past and burn it up in the flames of forgiveness. What greater gift can we give someone than to set them free from the weight of their mistakes? When we unlock others from a past they cannot correct, we free them to become all they can become, and we free our relationships to become all they can becomes as well.

6. Security vs. Fear. Security is a rare commodity in our world. Often people come from such insecure childhoods they can only hope that their adult life will include a relationship that allows them to rest in the arms of someone who really cares. So much of life is lived on the edge of risk, we feel an overwhelming need for at least one relationship to make us feel safe. If one is walking all over the other to get what they want, to elevate themselves above the other, to cause fear in order to be the head, that relationship is doomed to  failure and the persecuted are going to suffer severe harm. If you are the kind of person that cannot be trusted because of foolishness you will fail at everything you attempt eventually.

The Bible says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). When we shift from trying to use others to satisfy our security needs to trying to meet the security needs of others, we find ourselves in a new dimension. We are focusing on their needs, not ours. We are filling their doubts and fears with the reassurance of our consistent behavior. We calm their fears by being reliable. We become, in a word, loving: other-focused and totally selfless. That is the kind of love that drives out fear and provides genuine security.

7. Vulnerability vs. Defensiveness. In a secure environment, a person is free to open up and be vulnerable. It is wonderful to be vulnerable, to do an emotional free fall and have someone there to catch you. That delightful taste of vulnerability enables you to open up even more, discover more about who you are, appreciate all the good that God has created in you.  

In a relationship characterized by fear, just the opposite happens. There is a need to build up a wall of defensiveness. If you do not protect yourself, after all, you will be violated, robbed of your identity, controlled, or smothered. The dynamics of defensiveness lead to death rather than to life and growth.

8. Honesty vs. Deception. There is no way to build a lasting, healthy relationship on a foundation of dishonesty. Honesty must be at the core of a relationship; there is no substitute for it. It is fashionable in our day to paper over unpleasant truth. We deceive those we love, rationalizing that keeping secrets is really for their good.

Virtually all addictions in life are maintained under the cover of some sort of deception, which eventually is woven into a vast tapestry of lies and cover-ups. Dishonesty is a very hard habit to break. One of the main functions of a recovery support group is the accountability it provides, holding the recovering addict to rigorous truthfulness. Without accountability, trust and the restoration of intimacy in relationships is impossible.

---

Excerpted from Addicted To Love by Steve Arterburn. Used by permission of New Life Ministries. New Life Ministries has a variety of resources on men, women, and relationships. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or visit www.newlife.com.

See you next blog,
Ted

How to Use a Woman’s Faith & Trust to Make Her a Willing Accomplice to Her Own Abuse

I have read more articles about abuse of Christian women than probably even most so-called experts, but Vyckie really nailed it in her retort to Darcy Ingraham's ridiculous article. I read it too and wanted to puke. Theologically it is absolutely unsound! Morally it is disgusting, as it reduces an already traumatized and victimized woman to nothingness! There is nothing more ludicrous than suggesting a woman of God allow herself to be victimized over and over again by a malignant, sadistic, narcissistic, maniac. Frankly, when you are in a covenant relationship with a man or woman, there is nothing saying you have to put up with constant abuse. Yes, there are abuses that occur out of angry moments(NEVER PHYSICAL)! We are people and have a fallen nature that has be put to death, but that never meant you are allowed run roughshod over a person's feelings for your own kicks!!! Pardon me while I cheer Vyckie on...Go Vyckie GO!!! Three cheers for Quivering No More!

How to Use a Woman’s Faith & Trust to Make Her a Willing Accomplice to Her Own Abuse

Can you say, "Stockholm Syndrome'?
by Vyckie Garrison
After stumbling across yet another piece of alarmingly dangerous advice for abused women of faith titled, Surviving Emotional Abuse Six Steps by Christian author, Darcy Ingraham, I am wishing I had more middle fingers with which to express my extreme irritation. Ack!(OK she could have done without this part of the retort)

I will try to calm down long enough to use my words rather than profane gestures to talk about spiritual abuse.

To begin with the author assumes that only those husbands who abandon their faith become angry, bitter, and abusive – and she offers no help for women whose abusive husbands are fully committed Christians acting in accordance with patriarchal teachings derived from the bible; she quotes random bible verses out of context to convince abused women that they are safe from actual violent abuse so long as they remain close to God; she appears to believe a woman’s display of piety (praying out loud for her abuser and telling him that she is giving him over to the Lord, for example) is the way to truly intimidate her abusive husband and get him to back off; she advises victims not to “make the abuse worse” by reacting to their abusers’ anger (followed by the whiplash-inducing about-face when she admonishes victims to never allow anyone to convince you that the abuse is your fault); and to top it all off, the author encourages abuse victims to take charge of their lives by finding a hobby.
When we write about “surviving” abuse at No Longer Quivering, we mean living through it, getting help, getting away, processing, healing, and moving on with our lives.

To the “Six Steps” writer, “Surviving Emotional Abuse” means living with the abuser and “finding contentment” in a situation which, in fact, should not be tolerated.

If you are constantly exposed to emotional abuse, then you are probably humiliated and and criticized often. You may not be able to change the abuser, but you can make positive changes in and for yourself. Emotional abuse can only hurt you and hold you back if you allow it to. The Lord has a way of using the most difficult times of our lives as the greatest time of growth.
When I was experiencing some struggles of my own, a dear friend reminded me of that truth. She said, “When you have nowhere to turn, but to the Lord, it is then that you experience a great strengthening of your faith and untold spiritual growth.” These words were just what I needed to hear.
“Emotional abuse can only hurt you and hold you back if you allow it to.” Really?
Really?!

I understand that not every abused woman is in a position to immediately leave her abuser – however, the advice in this article goes beyond merely offering trapped women coping strategies – it is encouraging women to believe God has a good purpose for their suffering; an idea which often results in confused and desperate women embracing the abuse and even cooperating in their own oppression.
As we share our stories at NLQ, one question that is frequently asked is, What is spiritual abuse? What distinguishes “spiritual” abuse from regular forms of physical, emotional, and mental abuse?
In spiritual abuse, a person’s faith and ideas about God, the supernatural, and the afterlife, get intermingled and entwined with relational and behavioral choices so that the situation is not only about the way a person thinks, acts, and relates – it is primarily about the condition of your soul.
Let me give you an example from the article:

No one wants to be in an abusive marriage, but if you are a Christian woman the decision to leave or stay is not yours alone. The Lord has a plan for you and if you seek His wisdom, He will show you the way. Just know that if He leads you to remain in the marriage, He will be your strength. In “Our Daily Bread” by RBC Ministries, this sentence brings it home. “Assignments from God always include His enablement.”

Here the author maintains that the decision to stay in or leave an abusive marriage should not only take into consideration unhealthy relationships and safety issues, but must also include “the God factor.”

Abusive situations are disconcerting enough – but when an abused woman is also required to figure out what God would have her to do, the result is an overwhelming entanglement of spiritual discernment, hermeneutics, theology, faith, trust, devotion, spiritual discipline, eternal rewards and judgement, divine intervention, hierarchical authority, angels and demons, sacred vows, and spiritual-mindedness which thoroughly complicates and convolutes and radically reorients the perspective of literally every practical consideration.

The question which the victim asks herself is no longer, “He is hurting me – what should I do?” – instead, it becomes, “He is hurting me, but God loves me and He knows what is best for my life – if I take matters into my own hands, am I really trusting the Lord? Does God have a greater purpose for my suffering? Does God want to use my patient endurance as a witness to draw my husband to Himself? What is more important – my immediate personal safety – or the eternal salvation of my husband’s soul?  Is self-preservation godly – or am I seeking instant gratification and the comfort of the flesh? How will I ever be made pure in the refining fires if I remove myself from the heat? Does the clay say to the Potter, what are you doing with me? Is there any biblical justification for leaving my husband when he hasn’t actually hit me or committed adultery? Have I prayed enough? Is my heart right with God? Is Satan deceiving me into destroying my own family?  Maybe I just need to have more faith and to be long-suffering and try to submit more wholeheartedly and sincerely? What would Jesus do? Would he defend himself? Would he give up and walk away? Would he withhold his love and forgiveness?” … and on and on and around and around … until the woman is thoroughly overwhelmed and paralyzed by indecision. She cannot even say for sure whether or not she’s being abused, and she never gets around to addressing the only truly relevant question: What should I do?
Of course, the victim is given every assurance that God loves her and wants only the best for her and will supernaturally intervene on her behalf – plus, He will provide the strength she needs to endure the abuse:

God loves you so very much and you are of great worth to Him. You must look to Him who created you as the unique and wonderful person that you are; to Him who has a plan for your life. First, trust Him by claiming the promise of Jeremiah 33:3 (KJV), “ Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not.” Then trust Him to see your through with the words of Philippians 4:13 (KJV), “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

The most insidious spiritual abuse occurs when Believers begin to not only “find contentment” in their abusive circumstances but to find spiritual meaning and divine purpose in their sufferings. This sort of mental gymnastics can easily manifest as a form of Stockholm Syndrome when victims who believe that they have no options – no way out – delude themselves into feeling they do have a certain amount of control when they “choose” to embrace, support and defend their abuser. It is oddly empowering to an abused person to say, “This is what I want – yes, it may be painful, but it is actually beneficial to my spiritual growth. I thank God for this and rejoice in my sufferings because in the end, it all brings glory to my Savior!”

Insert puking smiley here.
It is at this acute degree of absurdity that the spiritual abuse victim will begin to participate in and even facilitate and inflict abuse upon herself. After all, she “reasons” (though in truth, little of this dynamic is consciously understood) that if God wills her suffering, it must be right and ultimately good, and therefore, why would she want to alleviate or prevent it? Rather – she looks heavenward for the strength to endure and her mind seeks the eternal vantage point from which her present trials seem petty and insignificant.

She stops looking for a way to escape the pain, and instead – she learns to live with it, welcome it, and even thank God for it.

Yes, reading this Christian writer’s irresponsible and dangerous advice to abused women made my blood boil. I feel angry  and anxious and re-traumatized. Most disturbingly, I also feel disoriented and flustered because as I read the article – which I could easily imagine myself writing only a few years ago (only, unlike the author, I would have encouraged women to emulate Jesus’ example of martyrdom) – all the old faith-based confusion crept back in to muddle my thinking and I found myself second-guessing everything I’ve discovered about reality, mutuality, boundaries, self-preservation, equality … My brain momentarily reverted to its religiously-conditioned comfort zone of self-abnegation and the abdication of choice and positive action in favor of “spiritual” rationalizations for hand-wringing and overwrought inaction.
Ugh. I hate that. ‹(ô¿ô)›

It still amazes me how twisted, abusive men make a Christian woman feel guilty by using her own real beliefs against her. What amazes me even more is that the women fall for it, feel pity for that FOOL, and shame for wanting out, then go back to being willing victims!

See you next blog,
Ted

Telling It Like It Is...Jesus Style!

I can't count the number of Christians who were raised to believe that it is wrong to point out false teachings and other kinds of evil, let alone to name who these false teachers are!  When I attended Bible college and seminary I chose theology as my major for a reason...to know how to find the truth in scripture! Does the Bible teach that Jesus was never harsh with anyone? Is this what we read in the scriptures? Many tell me that Jesus never spoke a harsh word to anyone. I've spoken  to pastors and elders who hold themselves in such high regard that to tell them they are wrong is blasphemy! They hold their congregations in absolute fear by their false teaching. They are guilty of what Jesus said the Pharisees were guilty of...shutting out heaven for men and placing the heavy yoke of false guilt upon the shoulders of those they are to serve..not LORD OVER!

The title of this post is taken from the very act our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did when speaking to the religious leaders in Jerusalem. Let’s take a Scriptural look at a side of Jesus that most Christians will not believe, even when they see Him in their own Bibles.

Who were the Scribes and Pharisees?
The Pharisees were not the priests, but rather a religious political party who were very pious and strict keepers of the Law of Moses. They constantly adjusted the Law to fit the changing world according to their traditions and own desires. Among the more educated of the Pharisees were the Scribes, the rulers of the Jews:
"In the modern sense they [the Scribes] were the religious scholars or theologians … sometimes called lawyers … or teachers of the law …could make judicial decisions based on Scriptural exegesis, occupied important positions in the Sanhedrin … played a major role in bringing on the crucifixion of Jesus" and they "mainly belonged to the party of the Pharisees" (WYCLIFFE Bible Dictionary, p. 1536).

Jesus called the Scribes and Pharisees "fools, hypocrites, blind guides, whited sepulchers, murderers, a generation of snakes," and many such epithets. Jesus called them "hypocrites" seven times in one chapter. He spoke with scathing derision to the Scribes and Pharisees throughout His ministry; very few of them received a kind word from Him.

And yet many Christians and unbelievers tell me that Jesus never spoke like this or ever said a cruel or angry word in His life. Therefore when I sometimes write with an edge, I am accused of not following the example of Jesus. Oh but Jesus surely did speak harshly, demeaningly, and with great anger in His voice to the Scribes and Pharisees—the religious leaders of the day. Jesus was not mild and soft-spoken when it came to the sins and hypocrisy of these religious leaders. Too many Christians have read the teachings of Jesus with rose-colored glasses covering both their eyes and their minds.

When the Pharisees asked Jesus, "Why do your disciples…?" Jesus didn’t softly answer their question, rather He retorted back with, "Why do YOU…?" Jesus was never on the defensive, but always on the offensive. Using the vernacular, He was "IN THEIR FACE!"
Do any believe Jesus was referencing farm animals when He said not to cast pearls or give what is holy to "the DOGS and PIGS?"

Jesus referred to the recalcitrant Jewish leaders as, "an EVIL and ADULTEROUS generation," "SERPENTS and SNAKES," and "children of the DEVIL." Why He even told the Scribes and Pharisees regarding the royal and mighty King Herod: "Go ye, and tell that FOX [that JACKAL]…"

JESUS UPBRAIDS THE CHURCH LEADERS
There are many examples of Jesus upbraiding the religious leaders for their gross sins [selections from Matthew 23]:
"But WOE unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, HYPOCRITES… FOR YOU SHUT UP THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AGAINST MEN…
…THEY BIND HEAVY BURDENS and GRIEVOUS to be borne, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but will not move them with ONE OF THEIR FINGERS
WOE unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, HYPOCRITES… you DEVOUR WIDOW’S HOUSES… you shall receive the greater damnation.
WOE unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, HYPOCRITES…
WOE unto you, ye BLIND GUIDES…
WOE unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, HYPOCRITES! You… have omitted… JUDGMENT, MERCY, and FAITH…
You BLIND GUIDES, which strain out a gnat, and SWALLOW A CAMEL.
WOE unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, HYPOCRITES… within they are full of EXTORTION (fear mongering) AND EXCESS.
You BLIND PHARISEES…
WOE unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, HYPOCRITES! You are FULL OF DEAD MEN’S BONES, and ALL UNCLEANESS… and HYPOCRISY and INIQUITY…
WOE unto you, Scribes and Pharisees, HYPOCRITES!… you are the children of them which KILLED the prophets. FILL YOU UP then the measure of your fathers.
You SERPENTS, you GENERATION OF SNAKES… you KILL AND CRUCIFY… you SCOURGE in your synagogues… Behold your house is left unto you DESOLATE"!!

WOW! Every one of these comments from Matt. 23 were spoken directly to the "Religious Scholars and Theologians" centered at the Temple in Jerusalem. Would Jesus speak in the same manner to the Religious Scholars and Theologians in God’s Church today? YES! Especially those who exchange the gospel of GRACE through FAITH for a WORKS, WRONGFUL SUBMISSION, and DEEDS for redemption gospel! You see the real truth is that Grace through Faith in a living gospel unctions us to good deeds because of our great love for our God who reached down to sinful man and calls us righteous who believe on Him! That AWESOME ALL-POWERFUL GOD who seals us by His Holy Spirit unto the day of redemption. Does Jesus "change"? NO. Has the Church changed in the past 2000 years? YES. In some cases it has gotten WORSE as there are ABUSE churches which teach a phobic gospe! They could not hold a congregation in any other way except by placing a yoke of guilt and fear on their backs!

In the scriptures, Jesus many, many times had serious confrontations with the religious leaders of his time.  In fact it was the religious leaders who ultimately called for his death.  (As mostly is the case......same is true for today)  All through His life, they were waiting for the right moment.

                            “…For this cause therefore the Jews sought the more to kill Him,
                                 because He not only broke the Sabbath, but also called God
                                 His own Father, making Himself equal with God.  John 5:18

                                “Some therefore of Jerusalem said, Is not this He who they
                                 seek to kill?  And lo, He speaks openly, and they say nothing
                                 to Him…”  John 7:25-26

                                 “And the chief priests and the scribes sought how they might
                                  put Him to death; for they feared the people.  Luke 22:2

                                 “Now after two days was the feast of the Passover and the
                                  unleavened bread: and the chief priests and scribes sought
                                 how they might take Him with subtlety and kill Him…” Mark 14:1

                                 “But the Pharisees went out, and took counsel against Him,
                                  how they might destroy Him  Matt12:14

                                 “So from that day forth, they (the chief priests and Pharisees
                                 and council) took counsel that they might put Him to death.  John 11:53.


Yes, Jesus did indeed call the religious leaders of His day "whited sepulchers", "fools", "blind guides", "hypocrites",  "serpents", "murderers", "a generation of vipers," and many such names. Jesus spoke this way to the religious leaders throughout His ministry.  He virtually had nothing nice to say about them.  But yet still today there are many in the church today who say that Jesus would never have spoken this way. The Old and New Testament are filled with warnings about listening to and being guided by FOOLS! Men who have their own religious agenda at heart, not the true faith involved in the the gospel message, and not the well-being of their congregation or family.

You know as well as I, that if Jesus were to return today, there are cultic fear-mongering churches who would NOT hire Him to be their “Pastor”. Not one!  And why is that?  Because the FOOLISH prize their POWER to CONTROL! They do not want to hear the truth.  They believe they are outstanding men of the church who deserve to be followed. The only gospel they have is the gospel of WORKS FOR SALVATION and SUBMISSION TO THEIR MISAPPROPRIATED AUTHORITY! You see Christian the only real power we have comes from submitting ourselves to God, the ministry of the Holy Spirit in the believer's life, and to one another.

The scriptures speak of things getting worse and worse, and if you read carefully, it’s not talking about just the world, but the church and the leaders in the church!

To be sure, when it came to the common people, Jesus was the "Humble Servant.” His ministry to them was marked with compassion.  He “was moved with compassion for them.”
He gave the gospel to them.
He fed them.
He healed them.
He wept with them.
He spoke gently and mildly to them.  “Martha, Martha,"………"Simon, Simon."
He identified with the people and knew many were distressed, as sheep not having a shepherd.
When it came to the common people, Jesus ministered to them in meekness and gentleness, as His words showed.  But when it came to those in the church; when it came to the “great ones”; when it came to the church leaders and so-called experts in the law, something changed. His ways, His mannerisms, His countenance, His words “EXPLODED.”

In all of His confrontations with the church leaders, you could see the difference in His whole attitude, especially in His words.  Jesus was exposing their evils. He was exposing their false teachings and hypocrisy like no one ever did before.  And in so doing, many others were starting to “see the light.”
His words were as the voice of a trumpet sounding a clarion call to the faithful to stand for truth and not accept the yoke of religious bondage again.

Likewise today, there is much evil lurking in many churches and in those in positions of “church leadership.” The unbiblical authoritarianism and spiritual abuse within the ranks of the so-called “eldership” is rampant.
The hijacking of true and loving shepherding principles within the church and marriages by these wolves in sheep’s clothing resulting in the destruction of many lives is evil beyond words.  To speak of these atrocities in anything less than an angry, forceful tone would be almost impossible.  Anger doesn't have to be sin, just like God’s anger that is mentioned probably hundreds of times in the scriptures, is not sin.

The time is passed to express a righteous anger at what is going on with these wicked shepherds who are killing the message of grace through faith and holding God's flock for ransom because their own egocentric lust for power. The time has come for true believers to express a righteous indignation at these spiritual  monsters who deliver their poisonous and blasphemous theology to so many unsuspecting souls, parents, and innocent children... men who make submission to immature and cruel authority the ultimate guide for redemption. Those who wickedly elevate men in a position of authority in their homes to lord over those in their care rather than shepherd by Godly example.

As these words are being typed, there are many WHO KNOW what is going on. They can see it ruining the faith of those in their churches, their marriages, their family life, and wreaking havoc on a gospel of love and grace.  As this is being typed, there are those in the church today who would readily stand up and say “NO” to the spiritual bullies and to flee from them and to deny them their control over them! Yet, for some, they also know that to do this would only invite persecution, shunning, and a living death within their own families who must disown them because of poor theology...so they remain in yoke of bondage.

But wouldn't you rather suffer for the truth than to deny the real gospel? Many choose serving their spiritual bullies, thinking all the while they are serving their Lord. Some also think that it’s wrong to name these people. They call it “spreading evil” or "trying to restrict this evil to only certain individuals and places."  And what do the Scriptures say of this anyway? Look through the letters of the Apostle Paul.  Many times he mentions specific individuals by name:

                               Galatians 2:11ff  “But when Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him
                               to his face, because he was to be blamed……and I said to Peter before them all….”

                              1 Timothy 1;19ff  “…which some made ship wreck concerning the faith,
                              of whom are Hymeneus and Alexander…..”

                              2 Timothy 2:17ff  “…and their word will have growth like gangrene – of
                              whom is Hymeneus and Philetus, who missed the mark concerning the truth…”

                              2 Timothy 4:10 “…for Demas deserted me, loving the present age…”

                              2 Timothy 4:14-15  “Alexander the coppersmith showed many
                              evil things to me.  The Lord will give to him according to his works.
                              You also guard against him, for he greatly resisted our words.”

In 3 John verse 9, John named Diotrephes as one who does not receive the brothers, but removes him out of the assembly.

Jude exposes the errors of Balaam in verse 11.

In Revelation Chapter 2, twice the Nicolaitans are singled out and the warning is given concerning their wrong motives for works and their teaching.

And there are many more from the Old Testament too!

We are living in a day when false teachers and their dastardly deeds abound.  A faithful messenger will warn those in the churches.  They will identify these churches by name, as well as their "leaders," calling a spade a spade. Just like the Lord Jesus did; just like the Apostle Paul did, and others as well.

Fear-mongering kills real faith! Submission to bad authority only brings misery and pain. The real answer to truly living out your faith is through grace and the recognition that it is all about HIM not us. He did it all so that we could have fellowship with the living God of creation, the King of Kings who laid down his life as the Good Shepherd so that we, through faith, might know Him and the power of His resurrection. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, the same Spirit that was in creation now takes up residency in those who believe in the finished work of the cross. Praise you Lord Jesus! To you alone be all honor and glory AMEN!

Does Forgiveness Mean I Have To Go Back?

"So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."    (Luke 17:3-4, NIV)  

Luke 17:4 tells us to forgive a transgressor if he repents and asks for forgiveness. I'm sorry does not qualify as repentance...let me repeat that-I am sorry does not qualify as repentance! Repentance can become confusing in domestic violence, because repeated pleas for forgiveness followed by broken promises are often a part of the pattern of manipulation, control, and denial. Does forgiveness mean we must endure repeated abuse by our so-called covenant partner? NO! Does it mean a victim must return to an abusive relationship? NO! 

Forgiveness means "to cease to feel resentment against; to grant relief from payment." 

Some people have described forgiveness as:Inwardly letting go of the issue or not desiring to punish or extract payment from the transgressor leaving God to deal with this person, as He certainly will, however forgiveness does not mean that consequences will be forgotten. In fact, the Word of God promises us that we will reap the consequences of sin on this earth...i.e. abuse means most likely you will be losing your marriage. Your abuser is to reap the consequences what he or she has sown...more than they have sown and later than they have sown. It would be a very, very long time before you could trust an abuser who shows no real remorse. I am sorry I hurt you does not qualify as remorse, especially if the abuse is repeated.

If we look at forgiveness this way, we see that forgiveness is not the same thing as trusting someone and resuming a relationship with them, which is reconciliation (Matthew 5:23-24).

Turning to Webster's dictionary, we see that reconciliation means "restore to friendship, harmony, or communion; adjust or settle; to accept." We don't accept sin from others, we are to rebuke it (Luke 17:3) and to try to correct it (Galatians 6:1).

Correction of a sin sets the stage for restoring a relationship. If correction does not take place, it is appropriate to limit or stop completely your association with a person who willfully persists in sinning against you:

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; an if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."   (Matthew 18:15-17, NIV)

Some of you cannot even go to your pastor or church with your abuse problem because your pastor or church has falsely believed that no matter what your spouse does you must stay within the confines of a broken covenant marriage relationship even at your own peril.

Wrong!

Jesus, David, and Paul all left dangerous situations rather than allowing themselves to be abused by people who were out to harm them (see Luke 4:28-30 9:23-25; Acts 9:23-25 14:5-6; 1 Samuel 20:30-34,42). In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus taught that we should stay away from those who persist in abusing us, after we have made an effort to resolve the situation.


Repentance is not the same as being sorry or making promises. John the Baptist, in preaching repentance for the forgiveness of sins, emphasized that repentance must be accompanied by righteous actions (Luke 3:3,8-14). He specifically said that manipulation, coercion, blaming, and false accusations (so common in domestic violence) must cease. Repentance that is true and godly is recognized by the actions ("fruit") that result from it (Luke 3:8). Jesus also used the concept of fruit when He taught that actions reveal what is in the heart (Matthew 7:16-20). True, heartfelt repentance is proven by actions over a long period of time. No fruits of repentance shown means that no repentance truly exists.

Read this by Pastor Jeff Crippen on real repentance:
http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/06/16/repentance-and-abuse-real-repentance-bears-fruit-by-jeff-crippen/

We have heard of pastors who tell abuse victims that they must regard their abuser as being a Christian, even though the abuser shows no repentance and his life is characterized by habitual evil.  Being baptized or having said a prayer to accept Christ or being a church member does not make anyone a Christian.  If it did, then the Bible would have pronounced Esau to be a most eminent saint.  Instead, this is what we read about Esau -

Hebrews 12:15-17  See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

And is this not the very thing that so many of our readers have seen and had their fill of in the case of their abuser who claims to be a Christian?  Sexual immorality, despising of the grace of God, yet seeking, even with zeal and tears, to be pronounced by God and everyone else to be a true Christian?  Such actions alone only qualify a man to be an Esau and nothing more.   So let’s not be deceived by a counterfeit repentance that bears only rotten fruit.

See you next blog,
Ted

What Is The Difference Between True Repentance and Temporary Regret

Forgiveness is essential in bringing about changes in attitude, and bringing you real peace. Forgiveness can transform a bitter, angry heart into one that loves as Jesus loves. Forgiveness takes away the power of those over you who abuse you verbally, physically, or use you without cause. However that does not entitle the offender in your relationship to freedom from consequences for their bad behavior, especially in cases of physical and mental abuse. Real repentance is required before trust can even begin. So what constitutes real repentance?

In the story of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, there were two men who were sorry for their actions—Peter and Judas.  Peter truly loved Jesus and boasted that he would even die for him if necessary.  However, when Jesus was arrested and taken to the house of the high priest for a trial based on trumped-up charges, Peter’s resolve crumbled at the first taunt from a servant girl who recognized him as one of Jesus’ followers.  Peter boasted a bit too loudly and trusted in his own strength to get him out of difficult situations.  When he came face to face with real trouble, Peter found himself weak and unfaithful.  Have you ever been there? I have!

Jesus warned him to expect rough times ahead, and even predicted that Peter would deny him three times before the rooster crowed at the dawn of the next morning. The first time Peter denied Jesus he should have recognized that he had fallen for Satan’s trap.  But reckless and impulsive Peter continued to lie and protect his own self-interests as he was backed into a corner.  Ask yourself as I have, How many corners have  I lied and manipulated my way out of? Answer: OhMyGOSH a bunch!!!

The second denial was a more willful and deliberate sin than the first since the denial was accompanied by an oath—calling on God to be a witness to the truth of his testimony.  The second denial compounded the lie with blasphemy, and in the third denial he added cursing and swearing. Cursing and swearing was not the same as our four-letter words which are commonly used today.  To curse meant to assign a curse on himself that he would die at God’s hands if his words were untrue.

Peter had really dug himself into a deep hole of deceit and hypocrisy.  When the rooster crowed the second time, Jesus turned and looked into Peter’s eyes. Right then and there, Peter remembered Jesus’ prediction, and was so ashamed that he ran out and wept bitterly.

Judas was also a trusted disciple of Jesus who acted as the treasurer of the group.   Jesus predicted his behavior in the upper room during his last Passover feast with the disciples.  Judas did not boast like Peter about his love for Jesus.  Instead, he hid his evil heart and concealed his true character from the others.  He had already conspired to betray Jesus before sitting down to the table with him, and his greed for the 30 pieces of silver revealed a heart of evil and rationalization. 

Judas may have thought he could keep his money while Jesus escaped arrest and trial just as he had in the past.  He may have convinced himself that if Jesus was really the Messiah, his betrayal would have no serious or lasting consequences.

Judas had allowed Satan easy access to his heart as he began stealing from the disciples’ treasury.  Bit by bit, he resisted truth and embraced a lie until he was able to rationalize his actions and retain his respectability while perpetrating evil right under the noses of his fellow believers.  Even when Jesus indicated to the disciples that one of them would betray him, no one suspected Judas.  Do you know church leaders who lie and get away with malicious evil because no one believes they could possibly be guilty of evil intentions or actions? 

When Judas saw the consequences of his sin, he experienced guilt and tried to offer restitution by giving back the 30 pieces of silver.  He confessed his crime and affirmed Jesus’ innocence.  The scriptures even say Judas “repented.” But the Greek word used for Judas’ repentance meant “deep regret.”  It was not the usual Greek word for being truly sorry, hating the sin,  and refusing to get involved in that particular sin again.  Judas hated the consequences and feelings of guilt, but not the sin itself.  Peter demonstrated his character by instant repentance while Judas simply wanted to get past the guilty feelings. You see, repentance takes a drastic and deliberate heart change! Let me repeat that...it takes a drastic and deliberate heart change!

In his book, “The Murder of Jesus,”  John MacArthur writes, “Tears of repentance can in no way atone for sins.  But genuine sorrow is nonetheless an important sign of true repentance, signifying that a change of mind and heart have truly taken place.  Not all sorrow signifies true repentance, however.  Judas was remorseful over what he had done and tried to return the blood money to the ruling priests.  His guilt over what he had done finally even motivated him to go out and kill himself.  But that kind of sorrow is a worldly sorrow that only leads to death.  It may involve sincere remorse over the consequences of one’s sin—regret over the loss of prestige or friends or influence.  But it reflects no true change of heart, and thus no true grief over the sin itself.

Peter’s sorrow was of a different sort.  It was the deepest possible sorrow of heart—mingled with shame over his sinful behavior, hatred of the sin itself, and a desperate longing to be restored to a right relationship with Christ.”

This depiction of Peter’s repentance is a model for all relationships, especially in an abusive marriage where the sincerity of an abuser’s repentance is being evaluated.  Does he/she:

• admit to all that they are in a relationship with that their abusive behavior is a sin and refrain from blaming someone else for their actions?
• feel ashamed for the sinful behavior and no longer feel compelled to manipulate the situation?
• hate the sin itself so much that they will get accountable, continuous help to keep from repeating it?
• have a truly desperate longing to restore their relationship to Christ first and then their family?

When someone has this kind of true repentance, God steps in to redeem them from their worst failures and restore their lives and homes.  John MacArthur writes, “He drew them back, forgave them, commissioned them for service, and empowered them to succeed where they had once failed so miserably.”

When you have suffered at the hand of another person, it may be hard to determine whether or not they are sincerely sorry.  It is right to be cautious and to question their motives when they say they’re sorry.  However, if you see true repentance, based on the model above, be aware that God’s grace and mercy is at work in their lives.  As you allow His mercy to flow through you toward the offender, you will facilitate the first step toward restoration and reconciliation.