Monday, April 30, 2012

WHY DOESN"T SHE LEAVE? When Fear Holds You Hostage To Your ABUSER


WHY DOESN'T SHE LEAVE-THOSE WHO ARE AWARE OF THE ABUSIVE SPOUSE'S BEHAVIOR WONDER? WHAT IS HOLDING HER CAPTIVE?


SIMPLE ANSWER: FEAR!

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) ~ For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.


Notice how strongly God emphasizes what He has not given you, and then He gives three precious, powerful, promises telling you what He has given you. Fear will paralyze you; it will grip you and ensnare you. Many people suffer from the snare of fear; it can devour their very life. Like someone caught in a trap, they cannot go forward, nor go back; they are held captive and can only focus on what is right in front of them. They lose their vision for the future because they are bound by fear.


The fear of their ABUSER,
The fear of a child going astray because of divorce from their ABUSER,
The fear of failing in marriage THEY SWORE A COVENANT TO,
The fear of being killed by their ABUSER,
The fear of losing a loved one because they went against the church's teaching,
The fear of displeasing God because you were taught He will punish you for leaving,
The fear of an uncertain future without their dependency on their ABUSER,
The fear of being in lack because the ABUSER controls ALL the money,

The fear of what the ABUSER will do in court to attempt take their children or make the divorce very difficult,
THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE, OSTRACIZED BY FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND CHURCH.



This is a hard-hitting text which deals with the “hot potato” subject of fear. Fear has to do with punishment, yet in Christ Jesus you find no condemnation nor rejection, but love and acceptance. 



The Christian woman may feel she is trapped in a harmful relationship. Things are changing quickly in denominational churches today as it is now commonly known that ABUSE is extremely dangerous to mental, emotional, spiritual and/or physical health! Biblical and Non-biblical counselors are being trained in the dangers of ABUSE to the victims and responding with HELP!


WHO AM I IN CHRIST? WHERE DO I STAND WITH GOD?


Read Romans 8:1-4
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death.For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.


Romans 8:28-39

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified;those he justified, he also glorified.

FEAR ONLY EXISTS FOR ONE PURPOSE: TO BE CONQUERED-YOU CAN!!

More Than Conquerors

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died —more than that, who was raised to life —is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Read Ephesians1:1-14

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To God’s holy people in Ephesus,[a] the faithful in Christ Jesus:


Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Praise for Spiritual Blessings in Christ

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he[b]predestined us for adoption to sonship[c] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he[d] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment —to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
11 In him we were also chosen,[e] having been predestinedaccording to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.



Don't be afraid to leave the things behind that hinder your walk with God and your teaching of faith to your children by living your own life out for God. God entitles each of us to be able to walk before Him without someone making us doubt ourselves. Your ABUSER'S unrepentant sins hold you and your children captive! 
GET HELP AND GET OUT!

I would like to introduce pastor Jeff Crippen, a pastor who ministers to the abused in the correct way with truthful advice: 


IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN AND HAVE TROUBLE RECONCILING LEAVING-ABUSE IS A FORM OF MURDER-SEE WHY IN HIS BLOG AND AUDIOS

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/sermon-dealing-with-the-abuser-by-pastor-jeff-crippen/


http://www.sermonaudio.com/search.asp?keyword=domestic%20violence


God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. You are given power to overcome any and all situations, love which combats fear and casts all fear away, for God’s perfect love drives out fear. And then, a sound mind, one which is focused on the promises of God, on the positive and powerful, liberating truth of God’s word, for your mind to be filled with His prevailing word which brings you His perfect peace. Your ABUSER wants you and others to think you are unstable so that you will remain under his control! 


YOU MAY FIND YOU HAVE BECOME DEPENDENT UPON YOUR ABUSER IF YOU HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A LENGTHY PERIOD OF TIME:
Read again Out Of The Fog  Subject: Dependent Personality Disorder
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/DPD.html 


Read again my prior blogs on this subject. In every case the ABUSER wants you to think YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. They will do anything to make you believe YOU ARE THE UNSTABLE ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIP!


His power, His love and His soundness of mind will bring YOU to a place where no snare of the enemy will trap you, because your mind is fully focused on His word. The Bible says in Isaiah 59:19 (KJV), “When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against him.” 


SEEK HELP FROM A QUALIFIED COUNSELOR WHO RECOGNIZES PERSONALITY DISORDERS IN THE OFFENDING SPOUSE. HAVE THEM DIRECT YOU TO SOURCES OF HELP AND ESCAPE!!



See you next blog.
Ted









Monday, April 23, 2012

Getting to Know the ABUSER and How TO DEAL WITH THEM!


Abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to exert control – for instance, over one's spouse – by "annexing" her, "possessing" her, and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.

In her seminal tome, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans (  http://www.verbalabuse.com/page14/page14.html ) lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:

"Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor to include inuendo, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger."

"To these we can add:
Wounding "honesty", ignoring, smothering, dotting, unrealistic expectations, invasion of privacy, tactlessness, constant sexual manipulations and abuse, accusations of betrayal by stabbing them in the back when telling others about them, physical maltreatment, humiliating, shaming, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and discarding, unpredictable, reacting disproportionately dramatic, dehumanizing, objectifying, abusing confidence and intimate information, engineering impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse."

One of the worst kinds of abusers is the Malignant Narcissist. 


There two sites I highly recommend for those currently in relationships or survivors of and NPD or Malignant Narcissist:


http://www.focusministries1.org/articles.asp

http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html



"For some survivors it feels like an emotional holocaust. For almost everyone it is misery, a nightmare. Pastor Jeff Crippen calls them the epitome of evil in a relationship and that thought is now growing in the Biblical Counseling community."


"A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel at times but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word "abuse" doesn't seem enough to express the torture."


"Sometimes charming, angelic at times, even demonstrating what seems on the surface as a form of loving care... and then lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it's our fault and we tolerated their abuse."


"Learn the secrets of the character-disordered, and those who share similar personalities or traits, how they suck you dry. Know that you are not alone. Neither are you crazy, though at times you may be lead to believe this by your ABUSER."


"Take back your life and your identity!"




They will rob you of all your hope and remind you that you are married for life. They will rob you of all your love and yet demand your love for them. They will milk all of your self-esteem, and leave you believing there is something wrong with you. They require constant sexual gratification and never seem to fill up. If you withhold sexual favors from them a tirade of name calling will follow and even violence at times.

Gary Walters, in his book, Out Of The Fog says this:


"The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he will usually control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her actions and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or at least taping conversations. 

"He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality."

"He is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members. He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy. He typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse sex. Pornography is usually employed to heighten his sexual stimulation. Rough sex and fantasizing are using par for the course when engaging in sexual relations with the abused. He is the king of his castle and usually believes that housework and childcare should be done for him. Any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference-usually sexual gratification. He is highly demanding."

"He is disrespectful; he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object. He communicates his sense of superiority around the house in various ways. He is often critical of others and feels that he is superior in every way to those with whom he must interact."

"The unifying principle is his attitude of ownership. The batterer believes that once you are in a committed relationship with him, you belong to him. This possessiveness in batterers is the reason why killings of battered women so commonly happen when victims are attempting to leave the relationship; a batterer does not believe that his partner has the right to end a relationship until he is ready to end it."

"Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple "abuse each other" and that the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful."


"It seems that CONTROL is their biggest need and do not always employ VIOLENCE but they will if VIOLENCE is needed to regain control."

How to deal with the Malignant Narcissist:


"First recognize that you may have become co-dependent and been his enabler by hiding his abusive behavior!"
http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html

"This takes real courage because what is required is to no longer show adoration or fear of this ABUSER. While you will never win an argument with this abuser, as they will continually remind you that you are to blame, removing your attention from him will send him reeling into depression and despondency. The time to leave is before he can recover his capability to manipulate and form alliances against you within the family."

"They will attempt to form alliances within the family to bolster their position and often use the children against each other and the abused spouse. Informing your family and friends of the abuse is imperative. You cannot enable this type of abuser by covering up his or her terrible behavior. Exposing this ABUSER will have consequences but at least it will be out in the open. They can be very charming when they have to and do not suffer bouts of conscience! They mimic love and employ various tactics to obtain what they want." 

"They are always playing a chess game with people's lives to get them to WORSHIP or ADMIRE THEM! You cannot allow them personal or sexual gratification, as this feeds their EGO NEEDS! LEAVE THEM TO THEIR OWN PRIVATE HELL OR THEY WILL DRAG YOU DOWN WITH THEM! GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU HAVE PARTNERED YOURSELF WITH AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!" 

"There are a few psychiatrist who believe, that while there is no real cure for the Malignant Narcissist, they can be treated over a long period of time to at least become self-aware of their problem. However the co-dependent spouse is not advised to stay with the ABUSER while undergoing treatment. In fact most Malignant Narcissist do not remain in treatment as they are incapable of seeing themselves as the problem,  therefore the "cure ratio" is very low!"


If you are currently in a court battle with your abuser this may be of some assistance:
http://www.abusedswan.com/DeannaKloostra.html
http://www.verbalabuse.com/



See you next blog,
Ted

Sunday, April 22, 2012

ABUSE: It's About Power and Control

That's right! If you are married to an ABUSER, that man you married for better or for worse, to love, honor, and obey wants to control your life! In fact, it consumes his thoughts every day! You can bet the ABUSER will hold you to your marriage vows in spite of the fact he has broken the "sacred" covenant with you multiple times. I bet you never thought anyone could be so single-minded about power and control. Normal people realize that total control of our environment is an illusion. The ABUSER lives for control of their whole environment! 


At some point, violence will occur or has occurred, but that does not mean the ABUSER will pummel you constantly although there are marriages like that. It usually happens when he feels he has lost complete control of a situation. The chart below illustrates the cycle of Abuse and Violence. Using any or all of these are ABUSE!!! Usually an ABUSER will try to get some small gesture like apologies or sexual advances to test your resolve before moving on to their next tactic to gain control. Do you see yourself in this endless misery? GET OUT! Every counselor worth their credentials will tell you the same thing!



Sandra Scott, In her book, Charmers & Con Artists &Their Flip Side summarizes the charmer and con artist this way:

“A healthy person seeks to be good. A Charmer seeks to be perceived as good because he desperately needs to believe he is a good guy, because he fears he isn’t.

A con artist seeks to be perceived as good a good guy in order to get what he wants.” 


Her warning should be taken seriously: “The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money. The Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity, your self -esteem, your very soul. The con artist robs and leaves you sadder but wiser. The Charmer rapes your spirit and drags you with him into his own personal hell.”

In her book, Charmers & Con Artists &Their Flip Side, author Sandra Scott
identifies the following characteristics:



Here is a check list of traits that will help you identify what traits your ABUSER exercises over your life. That ABUSER you are engaged to or married to can have a combination of these traits:


Charmers . . .
 are often described as “the nicest
guy you could ever know,” but in
relationships they are very
controlling, self-serving, and
irresponsible
 seldom agree to therapy. They
don’t see a problem with themselves
so why should they change? If they
go to therapy, they try to charm the
therapist.
 look good on the outside, but an
ulterior motive lurks on the inside
 see themselves as victims rather
than those they hurt
 believe they are special and entitled
to special behavior; rules that apply
to others do not apply to them
 have their own brand of logic and an
excuse for everything
 appear to be very giving, but there is
always a price to pay for their
attention
 can apologize easily, but there is no
true repentance
 don’t feel love or guilt deeply, tend
to minimize the pain of those they
have hurt
 discredit their accusers when they
are confronted
 cope by making themselves the hero
in the worst situations
 are very clever, and often able to
keep from being caught
 have extreme shifts in personality,
may be kind and sarcastic in the
same instant
 are very needy, and blame others for
not being able to meet their needs
 appear to be very sensitive to others,
and use their sense of humor to
make others laugh or feel good
 shift attention off themselves onto
others to keep from being found
out
 depend on lies and deception to
maintain a good image
 need power and control to bolster
their low self-esteem and very
fragile ego
 have a distorted sense of shame,
and feel no embarrassment in
doing whatever is necessary to get
their needs satisfied
 are Narcissistic, and need to believe
they are superior to others! Look up 
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
 are intimidated by intelligent,
perceptive women
 live in constant fear of discovery
 find and use those who will
appreciate and adore them
 rationalize their behavior with no
remorse for the pain they cause
 are one frustration away from
violence
 will not change as long as life
works for them and there are no
consequences to face
 are the center of their world and
need constant praise and adoration
from others
 know how to win the confidence of
others, and use personal
information against them later to
make themselves feel better or
superior
 view their own thoughts and words
as ultimate truth
 use kindness as a smoke screen to
solicit silence or lack of
confrontation of their actions
 are master manipulators who zero
in on others’ point of weakness
 lay heavy guilt trips on anyone
who confronts their bad behavior
 twist the truth, lie, distract, accuse
and use irrational and irrelevant
arguments if confronted
 lack healthy shame
 mess with your mind to make
themselves look normal—twist,
distort, and tarnish your reputation
 know how to play the courtroom
game and come across more credible
than their victims


Con Artists . . .
 are motivated by greed for material
gain
 choose those to whom they show
genuine love and affection, with the
capability of killing a stranger or
enemy without regret
 have a selective conscience with their
own code of ethics
 know right from wrong, but choose to
do wrong to get what they want
 seek trusting or na├»ve people to con
 often back off or move on to con
someone else when they don’t get
what they want
 will resort to violence when they
cannot escape
 make the conscious choice to do evil
 don’t mind hurting others as long as
they get what they want

Next blog we will talk about dealing with the abuser and COURAGE!!!
See you next blog,
Ted

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

OK, MY ABUSER SAYS HE'S SORRY

In all fairness there are women who abuse men and their children too, but right now because statistics show that more men abuse women than the other way around I am addressing men.


OK, so my abuser and I have had a sort of dialogue and he said he was sorry...well sort of said he was sorry for almost everything...Can I trust him?

First of all in order to keep control an abuser will admit to some things in the past, however painfully that apology comes. They are almost always sorry right after an abuse session so that they can feel better about themselves. You see, it really is all about themselves anyway. If they are genuinely repentant, there are ways of knowing!


ABUSERS! REAL REPENTANCE WILL CONSIST OF THE FOLLOWING ACTIONS:

Stop all blame-shifting. Stop blaming your spouse. Stop making excuses.
That means when you apologize do not push ANY of the blame back on the abused spouse. Step up to the plate and take full responsibility for your actions!

Commit to going to a professionally run Behaviour Change Group for spouse-abusers that you and your wife agree on. This begins by attending counseling sessions with her and let the (Christian) counselor and your wife decide which group you should attend.
That doesn't mean attend a few sessions and then find you don't think the sponsor understands you, or that you will find a better group to be a part of, or if your counselor or group leader calls you down for your seriously warped thinking!

Admit, confess and accept responsibility for all your abuse, in full detail.
This is really where the rubber meets the road. Full confession means to confess to more than just to your wife and with no coercion involved to get the truth out of you!

Identify the attitudes that drive your abusiveness.
You will have to listen carefully here dude!!! Your counselor will help you identify the attitudes that drive your abusive behavior. You will have to speak up and help the counselor help you...that means talk!

Relinquish your attitude of superiority over your partner, even the last bastion and stronghold of your selfish sense of entitlement.
This is gonna be the hard one! Because it will be a complete change of how you have handled  things to date. You are literally dying to self and allowing yourself become a new person with a new attitude that allows your spouse the freedom to be who she is.

Be accountable to group leaders, probation officers, courts, and any others who are overseeing your actions and attitudes. Abusers by their very nature tend to believe the rules apply only to those they abuse and not to themselves, so as an abuser your attitude should be drastically altered here! That means you accept total responsibility for your heinous acts and that you want to do everything in your power to set things right. Time will tell! Your actions will speak much better than your talk!


Accept the consequences of your actions.
As with everything we do that harms another you will accept the fact that your spouse my be so afraid of you, or be so disgusted with everything you have done that divorce is imminent. YOU DID THIS! OWN UP TO IT AND REALIZE THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO THAT HARMS ANOTHER PERSON!


Resist feeling sorry for yourself if you have to pay consequences.YOU DID THIS!!!
IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR PITY YOU WILL FIND IT ONLY IN THE DICTIONARY! Your spouse and those of your family and inner circles would be making a grave mistake to offer you sympathy or pity of any kind. BE A MAN, OWN YOUR HAUGHTY and FOOLISH BEHAVIOR!!


Be honest and non-manipulative in your communication.
Do NOT attempt to use behavioural improvements as bargaining chips.
Do NOT demand credit for behavioural improvements.

Be empathetic to the multiple and long-lasting effects of their abuse on you partner and children.
Since EMPATHY has not been your best trait now is a time to figure out how important it is so that those you have injured will begin to see a real change. In fact, here is a definition that will help you to how important this trait is in a truly changed individual:
empathy  denotes a deep emotional understanding of another's feelings or problems,while sympathy  is more general and can apply to small annoyances or setbacks 

You see you may be able to mimic sympathy to try to convince others of your conversion to Mr Good Guy but EMPATHY requires something very special indeed...HEART! Try Jesus!

Attempt to right the wrongs by restoring losses which you've caused to their victims.
Ask your spouse and children what are the things you have taken from them by your cruel behavior and attempt to make it right with them without berating them or blame-shifting for their honest feelings about what hurts.


Allow the hurt partner and children to take as much time as they need to heal. 
According to the American Mental Health Counselors Association of professionals it is going to take you years of counseling to overcome your problem so allow your spouse and children the same latitude to heal before dealing with you again! You may end up divorced but it beats prison! You can still be good father if you are willing to try.

Carry your own weight in all matters, including parenting.
This means if the little woman decides to take you back hold up your end of the deal when it comes to loving care, tenderness, understanding, and wisdom in all matters concerning the heart...usually this takes a one on one relationship with Jesus. ABOVE ALL BE PART OF THE SOLUTION NOT THE PROBLEM!!!


Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviour.
This one is easy to understand. If you want respect it can't be DEMANDED, it must be EARNED! Now how hard is that???


Accept that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process.
Your problems weren't created overnight and they won't go away with just a few counseling sessions. Don't LIE to yourself anymore and let the professionals help you become a better man. The life you save may be your own! The AmerIcan Mental Health Counselors Association said statistics show it can take up to 10 years to get over your abusive behavior and that only if you fully cooperate!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

DID YOU LIE TO YOURSELF TO BECOME AN ABUSER'S VICTIM


Somehow many women today find themselves trapped in abusive relationships and want to know how they got into this mess in the first place. Well, here are 7 secrets to finding yourself in just that situation.




Secret #1 It doesn't just happen; it comes about for a reason. Abused women settle for an abusive relationship because we were taught to settle for less. Mostly, we were taught by abuse in our own homes, desire for family of our own in spite of warning signs, uneducated or misinformed clergy, well-meaning friends, to settle for:


Less love
Less respect
Less care
Less consideration
Less support
Less encouragement than we wanted or needed. 


NOTE TO SELF: Somehow I believed the lie that it was my Christian duty to suffer for Christ and my ABUSER in order to win my heavenly reward...OH COME ON NOW!!!! What about all the other scriptures that tell us to have no fellowship with a fool, or angry people..to actually get away from them. Since when was it God's idea for your marriage to be a train wreck of constant abuse and even violence against you or your children? Do like that in almost every circumstance that what you think doesn't matter? Do like the fact that every time you try to talk to your spouse about the damage he is doing he puts all the blame back on you?

Secret #2 We become awfully good at denial. Well, you would, wouldn't you? When you learn that you are not that important, and you don't matter that much, it becomes second nature to blame yourself for whatever happens, does it not? Especially when HE AND EVERYONE ELSE IN HIS CIRCLE is in the habit of blaming you. The ABUSER may coach your children  into believing the abuse heaped on you is your fault. So you accept that everything that happens is your fault.

NOTE TO SELF: Never, ever, resign myself to live with the evil, negative projections that an ABUSER foists on me. When someone tells me that I am the worst kinds of awful and I swallow it, I am living their evil. Don't do it. They're wrong!!!


I would like to introduce pastor Jeff Crippen, a pastor who ministers to the abused in the correct way with truthful advice: http://www.sermonaudio.com/search.asp?keyword=domestic%20violence

Secret #3 Always, always let him off the hook. ENABLE HIM AND COLLUDE with him in accepting that he is never accountable for his actions. BECAUSE OF HIS MANIPULATIONS YOU BELIEVE YOU MADE HIM DO IT  - whatever it happens to be at the time.


NOTE TO SELF: I HAVE GOT TO STOP BEING MY ABUSER'S ENABLER! Someone needs to leave!


Secret # 4 If you keep on throwing love at him, he's bound to improve one day. Isn't he? Your love is the alchemy that will one day turn his dross into gold. Or, if you prefer, just keep waving your magic wand as hard as you can and, some day, the magic is bound to work (if your arm doesn't drop off from exhaustion first). The best case scenario is that one day, you will finally have some power and influence that lasts longer than 5 minutes, in the relationship...

NOTE TO SELF: WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE-Why, on earth, would A SELFISH, SELF ABSORBED, ARROGANT  ABUSER bother to work at the relationship, when he can leave that stuff to me? 


In Christian relationships many misinformed clergy teach that you are to bear hardship like a good soldier of the cross...read pastor Crippen's messages on what abuse is called in the Bible!

Secret #5 Make sure you have a really, really skewed idea of the World. He is wonderful, and you are awful. Now, this one is a little counter-intuitive, but you'll probably understand it anyway. Most of the time he acts like a complete jerk. Yet that doesn't stop you believing that he is wonderful, and lovable, and his behaviour is all your fault, anyway. You, on the other hand, do everything you possibly can to be loving, caring, understanding, and supportive, and keep the peace, yet, all the time, you are vile, and horrible, and nobody else would ever want you. (Doubtless because you are too loving, caring, understanding and supportive...)

NOTE TO SELF: THIS APPLIES TO SO CALLED CHRISTIAN MEN! Reality check, please! If it looks like a jerk, talks like a jerk, and acts like a jerk, there is a good, O-B-V-I-O-U-S reason for that: it's a jerk. Every single jerk, since the beginning of time, has come with a guarantee, written in large print, across his forehead, which, curiously enough, nobody ever bothers to read, or heed, at the start. It reads: "This jerk is guaranteed to make you as unhappy as you have ever been in your entire life. He will never change or improve to make you happy." Enough said.


Secret #6 Always, always focus on him. It's all about him, isn't it? You are so convinced that he needs to change, that he is perfectible, and a fine human being whose light is largely hidden by a dung heap, that you completely and utterly disregard yourself. You'll be happy, when he... You'll be able to grow and thrive emotionally, when he... You'll defer having any good feelings, until you can bestow them on him first.


NOTE TO SELF: ABUSIVE MEN DON'T DO SELFLESSNESS!!! Oh, and they certainly don't defer gratification by sexual means. They want their emotional pay-offs and they want them now, toddler style-"I want it and I want it now woman and if you withhold you are not being submissive. You are not a good Christian if you are a withholder!" 


If having warm, fuzzy, loving feelings mattered to them, if being happy mattered to them, they would have focused their energies in that direction, instead of the eternal rant of dissatisfaction. DO YOU LIKE FEELING RAPED? THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Secret #7 Let him take control of the relationship from the first minute. You may not like the way he does things - in fact, you probably won't - but let him know that you are prepared to accept whatever he dishes out, regardless. Ignore everything you see that you don't like. If you prefer, you could ask him to change and take your wishes into account. But then, when he fails to do so, back down. He'll be fine with that, although he might have a temper tantrum. You probably won't be as comfortable with that, but that is not important, is it? (See Secret #6 above.)

Again, I hope this strikes a nerve! If you are in an abusive relationship and feel like you are stuck in it for reasons of faith, children, fear of the unknown, or believe somehow that you deserve the abuse, then please listen to Pastor Crippen's messages on abuse and the ABUSER! Pastor Crippen teaches that abuse is actually a form of murder in that the individuality and personality of the abused is actually being killed slowly
http://www.sermonaudio.com/search.asp?keyword=domestic%20violence

See you in tomorrow's blog,
Ted












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