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Showing posts from April, 2012

WHY DOESN"T SHE LEAVE? When Fear Holds You Hostage To Your ABUSER

WHY DOESN'T SHE LEAVE-THOSE WHO ARE AWARE OF THE ABUSIVE SPOUSE'S BEHAVIOR WONDER? WHAT IS HOLDING HER CAPTIVE?
SIMPLE ANSWER: FEAR!
2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) ~ For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Notice how strongly God emphasizes what He has not given you, and then He gives three precious, powerful, promises telling you what He has given you. Fear will paralyze you; it will grip you and ensnare you. Many people suffer from the snare of fear; it can devour their very life. Like someone caught in a trap, they cannot go forward, nor go back; they are held captive and can only focus on what is right in front of them. They lose their vision for the future because they are bound by fear.

The fear of their ABUSER,
The fear of a child going astray because of divorce from their ABUSER,
The fear of failing in marriage THEY SWORE A COVENANT TO,
The fear of being killed by their ABUSER,
The fear of losing a loved one because they went against …

Getting to Know the ABUSER and How TO DEAL WITH THEM!

Abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to exert control – for instance, over one's spouse – by "annexing" her, "possessing" her, and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.
In her seminal tome, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans (  http://www.verbalabuse.com/page14/page14.html ) lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:
"Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor to include inuendo, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and…

ABUSE: It's About Power and Control

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That's right! If you are married to an ABUSER, that man you married for better or for worse, to love, honor, and obey wants to control your life! In fact, it consumes his thoughts every day! You can bet the ABUSER will hold you to your marriage vows in spite of the fact he has broken the "sacred" covenant with you multiple times. I bet you never thought anyone could be so single-minded about power and control. Normal people realize that total control of our environment is an illusion. The ABUSER lives for control of their whole environment! 


At some point, violence will occur or has occurred, but that does not mean the ABUSER will pummel you constantly although there are marriages like that. It usually happens when he feels he has lost complete control of a situation. The chart below illustrates the cycle of Abuse and Violence. Using any or all of these are ABUSE!!! Usually an ABUSER will try to get some small gesture like apologies or sexual advances to test your resolve…

OK, MY ABUSER SAYS HE'S SORRY

In all fairness there are women who abuse men and their children too, but right now because statistics show that more men abuse women than the other way around I am addressing men.


OK, so my abuser and I have had a sort of dialogue and he said he was sorry...well sort of said he was sorry for almost everything...Can I trust him?
First of all in order to keep control an abuser will admit to some things in the past, however painfully that apology comes. They are almost always sorry right after an abuse session so that they can feel better about themselves. You see, it really is all about themselves anyway. If they are genuinely repentant, there are ways of knowing!


ABUSERS! REAL REPENTANCE WILL CONSIST OF THE FOLLOWING ACTIONS:
Stop all blame-shifting. Stop blaming your spouse. Stop making excuses. That means when you apologize do not push ANY of the blame back on the abused spouse. Step up to the plate and take full responsibility for your actions!
Commit to going to a professionally run Beh…

DID YOU LIE TO YOURSELF TO BECOME AN ABUSER'S VICTIM

Somehow many women today find themselves trapped in abusive relationships and want to know how they got into this mess in the first place. Well, here are 7 secrets to finding yourself in just that situation.




Secret #1 It doesn't just happen; it comes about for a reason. Abused women settle for an abusive relationship because we were taught to settle for less. Mostly, we were taught by abuse in our own homes, desire for family of our own in spite of warning signs, uneducated or misinformed clergy, well-meaning friends, to settle for:


Less love
Less respect
Less care
Less consideration
Less support
Less encouragement than we wanted or needed. 


NOTE TO SELF: Somehow I believed the lie that it was my Christian duty to suffer for Christ and my ABUSER in order to win my heavenly reward...OH COME ON NOW!!!! What about all the other scriptures that tell us to have no fellowship with a fool, or angry people..to actually get away from them. Since when was it God's idea for your marriage to be a…