Top Misguided Reasons To Stay In An Abusive Marriage

“If you don’t like where you are in life, there comes a point when you must give up the part of you that’s keeping you back.”
–Dr. Sonya Friedman

Divorce is difficult. So many emotionally hurt people are involved. This is one of the reasons why couples all over the world choose to stay in unhealthy and even terribly abusive marriages, despite all the signs indicating they are being abused and an inner voice urging them to leave. Rather than heed all the indicators of abuse and this internal guidance, people seek out or invent reasons to justify remaining. They allow themselves to become co-dependent to the point of excusing the abuser over and over and even blaming themselves. All they are actually doing is creating a prison without walls to incarcerate themselves and their children in. They allow their children to grow up believing this is how relationships should be!

Many float through life in a perpetual state of confusion or ambivalence because things are not so awful., at least that is what they convince themselves to believe. However, their self-esteem is in the toilet and depression begins ruling their thinking. They feel drained but can't figure out why. Being in a constant state of confusion and depression, they can’t possibly be asked to make a decision so they rationalize staying with their verbally abusive spouse is the best choice, waiting for something to happen which will make it clearer as to whether they should keep the relationship together or not. Only to find they continue making excuses for their abusers again and again and losing themselves in the conflict. For others, the fear of the unknown is simply too daunting so they "numb out" or "take on a workload helping family and friends to make life with their partner bearable" (for example, by workaholism, prescription drugs and/or alcohol addiction, and spending on trivial household items building a Pollyanna world). In some cases, the fear of leaving is not about the unknown, rather it is the known that paralyzes them. The other spouse has threatened the one who wants to leave with some kind of abuse: “outing a secret,” bad-mouthing him or her to friends, loved ones, or employers, or even physical violence.

Never Put Up With Spousal Abuse

Leaving your marriage may be the biggest challenge you will ever face in your life.  If you are emotionally, physically or spiritually abused and you have sought help but it was never taken seriously by your spouse, your marriage is over! If you believe that you have done all you could to save the relationship, it is more of a disservice to yourself and the world around you to stay. Never allow anyone to touch you that does not love you! EVER! Never allow yourself to be dismissed, demeaned, or dealt harshly with! EVER!

Listed below are several BAD REASONS TO STAY IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE

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Misguided Reason #1 to Stay in a Abusive Marriage: The Kids
Many of those who divorce have known that their marriage was over long before they began to actually physically separate. When I ask these people what kept them from leaving sooner, the number one reason they give me is, “because of the kids.” I have no doubt that every parent who has said this believes wholeheartedly that this was a noble and selfless reason to stay. Staying and sacrificing their lives seems like the only thing to do.

Quite often, those who feel committed to keeping things together to this degree are children of divorce themselves. They swear that they will not put their children through what they had to endure. What they don’t understand is that they can get divorced differently than their parents did and spare their children much of what they experienced. How a couple divorces does more to determine how well children fare than the mere fact that they divorced.

While I would agree that being a good parent entails giving up a big part of yourself every day, I also know that you cannot give what you don’t have. If you are having to protect your children from an angry spouse they will undoubtedly feel that and suffer on some level as well, even if you don’t think your unhappiness shows. Children (and all of us, for that matter) are negatively impacted by being exposed to a loveless, tense, angry environment, regardless of the circumstances in which it has been created. They are impacted more deeply because they have not yet built up the level of defenses that we have. It is as if they have half the thickness of skin that we adults do. The good news is that they also tend to be more resilient than we adults allowing them to recover faster from unhealthy situations.

When you stay in an abusive marriage, children come to believe that relationships are experiences that entail suffering, pain and even a slow death. You are not happy, your spouse is making your life miserable by degrading you and, in turn, your kids are not happy because they see and feel the turmoil but do not understand why things are so bad.. The world doesn’t need more married couples for the sake of having married couples - the world needs more healthy people in healthy relationships!

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Misguided Reason #2 to Stay in an Abusive Marriage: Money
While it’s understandable that having become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, most people don’t want to give that up, it’s often not a good enough reason to stay together, especially when your soul and spirit are dying. It is very scary to face the world as a single person after being with a partner for a while, whether it’s one year or thirty years. Of course, it’s scarier for the people who have been in longer-term marriages, or for those who have never worked, have no apparent job skills and who are now faced with having to get a job, but everyone in this kind of scenario feels challenged and overwhelmed.

The expense of keeping up two households is enormous. The spouse who has not been working, or who has worked but earning less, may want to hold on to the financial security blanket and stay with their counterparts. The spouse making more money may justify staying as a way to avoid having to support two households. What I find ironic is that people who marry for money are judged very harshly, but people who stay for the money are not.

Money is not the only financially related perk of marriage. Medical insurance coverage is also a very real benefit that can have a tremendous monetary impact. Many people feel they have to stay married to keep their health coverage. It used to be that couples could agree as part of their divorce settlement to continue the ex-spouse on the employer’s health insurance plan. This is no longer the case. While alternatives for health coverage exist (COBRA’s or private health insurance plans), they are usually temporary and/or quite costly. However, a new day is dawning in health care and many states have coverage for those who qualify for assistance. Use your support mechanism too to find a good job, money as needed until you get on your feet. It is not that hard if you just try. Do not make deals with your abusive spouse when it comes to settling the financial affairs. You helped him earn what he has whether he recognizes it or not you are entitled to half of everything you have both built!

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Misguided Reason #3 to Stay in an Abusive Marriage: You Promised!
Those of you with kids will have heard this (“but you promised…”) said many times. Kids are brilliant and they know that calling you on your word is important and can evoke enough guilt for you to give in to their desires. However they understand very little about the dynamics of abuse and how devastating it is to the abused. They will also grow up mimicking your abuser in their own marriage if you do not stand against his sickness. They will believe that is the normal way to conduct their marriage!

Exchanging vows of being together forever is a very powerful exercise. It is a wonderful ideal and it is wonderful that most people do take this commitment seriously. But let’s examine reality again. Seasons change. Tides change. Relationships change. People change. Life situations change. Everything changes. That is life. That is what is supposed to happen.God is not fooled or mocked. You were never meant to suffer abuse at the hands of anyone! If your spouse is abusing you he broke the covenant not you! Marriage is a covenant based on agreement you made with God to love, honor and cherish. IF HE DIDN"T YOU AREN'T HELD TO A BAD CONTRACT! Many ministers today are becoming aware that emotional abuse is as devastating as a death in the family...you lose who you are and what God intended you to be!

I remember looking back at my high school yearbook and my friends saying, “never change!” I had to laugh because, although I knew the sentiment behind this comment (you’re a great person and please stay a great person), not changing isn’t really something to aspire to!

Neale Donald Walsch writes about this in his book, Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue. Walsch is talking to God about the whole concept of marriage as we know it. God tells Walsch that the intention of joining two people together was never about binding them, rather, quite the contrary. It was about letting the other person be true to themselves while being true to yourself. Joining with, not attaching to, another soul. He adds that, “until you can predict your future, you cannot promise anything truthfully.” According to Walsch, God does not endorse promising yourself forever to another person that did not take his vow before God seriously.

MOST BIBLICAL SCHOLARS AGREE THAT PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, AND SEXUAL ABUSE IS THE DEAL BREAKER! If you can't trust him for your safety and well-being you are not in a Godly covenant! These men who commit acts of abuse within their own home are covenant breakers, in Romans, Chapter 1 it talks about such men who disregard the covenant they made with the Lord. They worship themselves rather than honor God's covenant. Making themselves wise in their own eyes and playing the role of God within the marriage covenant itself.
¹⁸ For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth ^[l]in unrighteousness, ¹⁹ because that which is known about God is evident ^[m]within them; for God made it evident to them. ²⁰ For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. ²¹ For even though they knew God, they did not ^[n]honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. ²²  Professing to be wise, they became fools, ²³ and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and ^[o]crawling creatures.
²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. ²⁵ For they exchanged the truth of God for ^[p]a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed ^[q]forever...
²⁸ And just as they did not see fit ^[u]to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, ²⁹ being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, ^[v] haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, ³¹ without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; ³² and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

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Conclusion:

Too many women hide behind these misguided reasons to remain married to abusive men believing they are “doing the right thing.” Nothing could be further from the truth-especially where children are involved. While I agree that they are important considerations and should be seriously pondered, but not a hindrance to getting yourself out of emotional and possible physical danger. If you want your life to be worth living, live it with someone who respects your life!

See you next blog,
Ted

REAL LEADERSHIP By The Proper Use of Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose

Using Autonomy, mastery, and purpose to motivate people will accomplish much more than the use of fear, greed, or guilt. Not too long ago I was asked to give a motivational speech to a group of men at my church to motivate them to give of their time and talent to increase our impact in the community for Christ.

I had worked my way up in an International Corp called Automatic Data Processing from 1978 to 1996 and enjoyed great success at my various positions in the company.  I hated the so-called motivational speakers that used the negative to try to motivate people to perform and spoke to one of department heads about putting together a motivational platform from which to project our intent to our client base. Well, I wish I could say that out of that conversation came great revelations of how to bypass Management Speak, but a committee had been formed and needless to say not much came of it. A few good things occurred in that we all agreed that motivation by fear, greed, guilt, and the overall goal of creating a need approval was the wrong approach. Why?

Fear makes some people energetic but stupid because they are so busy trying to look busy. Motivation by Intimidation doesn't work very long anyway and your better employees will find a better place to work.
NOTE By the way, motivation by intimidation not only doesn't work it makes you look helpless and foolish!  If you ran your home that way, you would eventually have a mass mutiny on your hands and lose the respect of every family member when they figure out how foolish and fearful you really are as a leader in the home and on the job! Strict control is an illusion anyway...


Guilt makes people act like children always looking for approval and too careful about what questions to ask or what proposals to make for fear of looking stupid-it actually intensifies the fear factor!

Greed harms cognitive performance! The process of perception actually gets skewed in order to line someone or a groups pocket just to produce a result that management can live with...still not attaining the highest possible goal for all to attain to. Let's face it, if you know you aren't going to be in the "reward" group you aren't going to be very motivated to perform. The other problem is that receipt of a bonus quickly shifts from being appreciated to being an entitlement, so bonuses have to escalate to retain their motivational power.

When a business leader dangles a carrot in front of an employee to encourage strong performance, he/she has redefined the leader/employee relationship to the one between a farmer and a donkey. If you think you've hired donkeys to work for you, fire yourself for doing such a bad job of hiring. You don't deserve your position in the company!

Manufacturing the need for constant approval can drive employees to work hard but still not achieve the desired results simply because you start feeling more like a dog looking for a pat on the head and small bone to appease your daily appetite. Again, that approach gets old too unless you add something to mix. The something is called ACHIEVEMENT by Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose!

So what is the alternative to motivate a group overall that brings about positive change? I turn to one of my motivational heroes Bob Lewis, President of the consulting firm IT Catalyst posted his formula for success in CIO Magazine. I can tell you from first hand experience his motivational skills far outweigh any previous motivational material I have had to take part in. The results are stellar in performance. Let's see what he has to say:

Taking advantage of the need for approval remains a good way to motivate employees, but leaders should also recognize employees' desire for ACHIEVEMENT . In other words, recognize the desire among employees to make an important contribution.

For achievement to be a motivator, employees have to be given some autonomy so they "own their success." They also need MASTERY through continuing education of how best to perform their job. Otherwise they will not be in a position to ACHIEVE anything of importance. They need PURPOSE, which positions them to accomplish important things.

"Create an environment that encourages achievement, recognize it when it shows up (taking advantage of the need for approval) and you'll be amazed at how often you'll see it in action," Lewis recommends.

I am happy to say the implementation of his methods worked not only for our church project but created new vigor in our employee output in the company. Thank you Bob Lewis for your masterful contribution to a tired subject called Motivation.







See you next blog,
Ted

When Is Enough, Enough In A Relationship?

How do you know when you have had enough? There are many women and men who are in unhealthy relationships, and they are not aware of it. Or they have become aware and are afraid the change will be too drastic for the family to handle! What is an unhealthy relationship? Are you in an unhealthy relationship? In most cases, unhealthy relationships start off as any normal relationship. It is not always true though because we can wish a relationship is a certain way and even convince ourselves it is a good deal if we want something bad enough. The guy or girl is amazing to you, you both have plenty in common, and the two of you can talk on the phone for hours (well, in some cases). Everything seems great, right? Then months into the relationship, you begin to notice that he or she is changing and it begins to frighten you a little. What actually happened is that you did not notice the warning signs: overly jealous, quick tempered, egotistical, self-serving and self-indulgent, controlling, you find you are basically ignored or made to feel inferior, accusatory, minimizing your pain, gestures or threats of violence, pointing out your faults when confronted with theirs...get the picture? You refused to notice because you had a dream world you envisioned with a partner that wanted to build his dreams on top of yours and at your expense!

He or she will start becoming obsessed over you, and you may think that it's cute that he or she is jealous. Then they might start checking your phones constantly, watching your behavior, or getting upset when you hang out with family or friends without him or her. He or she can start to abuse you in little ways and it does not have to be physical abuse. Abuse comes in different forms such as: physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. When your partner becomes physical with you, you should begin evaluating a different plan. Many women and men have died or were seriously injured do to their partner hitting or striking them too hard. If you have to walk in your own house on egg shells; then you're in an unhealthy relationship.

THE DEAL BREAKER-ABUSE!
Verbal abuse is as serious as physical abuse. Who said words does not hurt? Words can hurt more than a fist to your face. When someone belittles you, especially someone you care about; it IS A SOUL KILLER! Who wants to be called HATEFUL NAMES? When your partner begins to belittle you; a qualified counselor will tell you it is time to get out of the relationship and stay in counseling. No one deserves to be treated without respect. Being with someone who is angry, spiteful, egotistical, in denial of their abuse, and selfish all the time is not safe and that will not lead to a healthy relationship. You can only do so much for a person and if that person is not willing to change; you need to move on. Moving on is a difficult thing to accomplish but it has to be done. Starting over is always awkward, but you have to start over to understand what a good man or woman is.

When it comes to abuse an apology is never enough and never let a man or woman frighten you into staying in a relationship. Follow your intuition and if you are afraid of your partner or afraid that he or she is not the one for you; seek help please and think seriously about getting out. Life is too short to WALK ON EGGSHELLS!

See you next blog,
Ted

Next blog will be co-written by my friend Laura called Never miss a good thing, until good-bye: 
You can meet her here: http://lifewithlaura2.blogspot.com/
 

You Nearly Destroyed Me Please Let Me Go

You keep dwelling in what was years ago
So much has changed, I know you know.
You try so hard to capture and smother me like in the past
You refuse to believe this hurtful union cannot last.

If you take the trouble to look in my eyes, I know you can see
The emptiness for you now residing deep inside of me.
With your every critical word, I want to scream
I only seek Peace away from you, to live my Dream.

I can smell the cheap flowers and candy as I lay in my sleep
And try in vain to forget the taste of all the tears I weep.
I long for silence from your manipulating mouth to release my heart
I would thank God for His merciful release when we finally part.

I beg you earnestly and deeply do you even know?
You nearly destroyed me "Please let me go."
Let go of my life you almost destroyed, release your terrible grip
Stop pulling on me so hard, no love is there, I'm starting to rip.

Your constant negativity and deceit drowns my mind
My Eyes of Love over years of pain have sadly gone blind.
I don't wish you the pain you put me through. no, not at all
I just want to stand on my own and no longer crawl.

From now on allow me to live my life as ME
Stop holding me hostage, just set me free.
The time has come and already passed I start to observe
What real Happiness means and now know what I deserve.

I want to feel it without you and conquer the endless pain
I want to refill the Life that you began to drain.
My days drag by, endless misery with you, so very slow
I want my life back... just please...let go!

Written by me for a special friend in pain

What Qualifies As Verbal Abuse?

Today's blog is taken from Probe Ministries and Kerby Anderson. Why am I constantly harping on this you may ask? Simple. There are so many emails from women who are depressed, constantly tired, mentally and emotinally drained, and just plain beaten down. They are made to feel stupid, the target for problems in the family by the spouse, her family and the children-"Mom why don't you just settle down and be a good wife?" They are minimized and told that their physical, emotional, and mental issues are made up in their head..."you will be fine you're just overly sensitive," they are told. They are told that they don't communicate that they just get angry and can't be talked out of it. The worst part is that when the abuser feels threatened he either resorts to violence, or garnering sympathy for his plight from everyone you know, or put on his Mr. Wonderful image to throw everyone off and make you believe you are the problem! To achieve what the abuser wants he uses every brain-washing technique possible. The goal is control and manipulation behind the smile. When it seems he is genuinely concerned about the marriage or you, he points out his idea of your faults, minimizing your pain in the relationship and his role in the cause of your misery.  In fact, what he really wants is for you to feel like you are the crazy one and/or terribly misjudged his character! So let's look into Kerby's article and see what qualifies as ABUSE!

Probe Ministries

Verbal Abuse

Kerby Anderson

Introduction

Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn't leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in silence and isolation. In this article, I want to tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers. Like any area of human action, it begins in the mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." What a person thinks in his mind and heart will be reflected in his words and actions. Verbal abuse and physical abuse result from a world view that is clearly not biblical.
Verbal abuse is often more difficult to see since there are rarely any visible scars unless physical abuse has taken place. But it is often less visible simply because the abuse may always take place in private. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public, the victim is with one person. While in private, the abuser may become a completely different person.
Frequently, the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim is female, but not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally abusive. But for the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will identify the abuser as male and the victim as female.
One of the first books to describe verbal abuse in adults was Patricia Evan's book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty verbally abused women who ranged in age from 21 to 66. Most of the women had left a verbally abusive relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and categories of verbal abuse these women describe in this book.
Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."
A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.

The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.

Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3} 

1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant 

characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4} 

Categories of Verbal Abuse

The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. 

The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"
Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.

Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.

These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse.

Other Forms of Verbal Abuse

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her. 

Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.

Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.

Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.

Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.

Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.
That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner.
We have described various characteristics of verbal abuse and have even discussed the various categories of verbal abuse. Finally, I would like to provide a biblical perspective.

A Biblical Perspective of Verbal Abuse

The Bible clearly warns us about the dangers of an angry man. Proverbs 22:24 says, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man." And Proverbs 29:22 says, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression." It is not God's will for you (or your friend) to be in a verbally abusive relationship. Those angry and critical words will destroy your confidence and self-esteem. Being submissive in a marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:22) does not mean allowing yourself to be verbally beaten by your partner. 1 Peter 3:1 does teach that wives, by being submissive to their husbands, may win them to Christ by their behavior. But it does not teach that they must allow themselves to be verbally or physically abused.

Here are some key biblical principles. First, know that God loves you. The Bible teaches, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
Second, deal with your feelings of guilt. You may be feeling that the problems in your marriage are your fault. "If only I would do better, he wouldn't be so angry with me." The Bible teaches in Psalm 51:6 that "Surely You desire truth in the inner parts; You teach me wisdom in the inmost place." Even though you may have feelings of guilt, you may not be the guilty party. I would recommend you read my article on the subject of false guilt.{5}
A related issue is shame. You may feel that something is wrong with you. You may feel that you are a bad person. Psalms 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Finally, you should realize that you can be free from being a victim and agree with God that you can be free. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
A key element in this area of verbal abuse will no doubt be confrontation of the abuser. It's important for you to realize that confrontation is a biblical principle. Jesus taught about this in Matthew 18:15-20. 

If you know someone who is being abused, or has been in an abusive relationship you may copy this article and send it to them. They may still be dealing with pain and yet they are unaware of it's origin! Christian women are especially vulnerable to this type of abuse and will have their very FAITH attacked by their abuser so that they fall back into SUBMISSION to their ABUSER! This may translate to FALSE GUILT FOR GETTING OUT OF AN UNHEALTHY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP! 

QUIT MAKING EXCUSES! THERE IS NO GOOD TIME TO LEAVE-VERY FEW PEOPLE INCLUDING YOUR OWN FAMILY WILL SUPPORT YOUR DECISION. THEY HAVE NOT LIVED YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR ABUSER. GET OUT NOW AND GET HELP! YOUR VERY LIFE AS AN INDIVIDUAL DEPENDS ON IT!

See you next blog,

Ted





  You Nearly Destroyed Me Please Let Me Go

You keep dwelling in what was years ago
So much has changed, I know you know.
You try so hard to capture and smother me like in the past
You refuse to believe this hurtful union cannot last.

If you take the trouble to look in my eyes, I know you can see
The emptiness for you now residing deep inside of me.
With your every critical word, I want to scream
I only seek Peace away from you, to live my Dream.

I can smell the cheap flowers and candy as I lay in my sleep
And try in vain to forget the taste of all the tears I weep.
I long for silence from your manipulating mouth to release my heart
I would thank God for His merciful release when we finally part.

I beg you earnestly and deeply do you even know?
You nearly destroyed me "Please let me go."
Let go of my life you almost destroyed, release your terrible grip
Stop pulling on me so hard, no love is there, I'm starting to rip.

Your constant negativity and deceit drowns my mind
My Eyes of Love over years of pain have sadly gone blind.
I don't wish you the pain you put me through. no, not at all
I just want to stand on my own and no longer crawl.

From now on allow me to live my life as ME
Stop holding me hostage, just set me free.
The time has come and already passed I start to observe
What real Happiness means and now know what I deserve.

I want to feel it without you and conquer the endless pain
I want to refill the Life that you began to drain.
My days drag by, endless misery with you, so very slow
I want my life back... just please...let go!

Written by me for a special friend in pain

Ted

Kerby Anderson is the president of Probe Ministries International. He received his B.S. from Oregon State University, M.F.S. from Yale University, and M.A. from Georgetown University. He is the author of several books, including Genetic Engineering, Origin Science, Living Ethically in the 90s, Signs of Warning, Signs of Hope, and Moral Dilemmas. He also served as general editor for Marriage, Family and Sexuality. He is a nationally syndicated columnist whose editorials have appeared in the Dallas Morning News, the Miami Herald, the San Jose Mercury, and the Houston Post. 
He is the host of "Probe," and frequently serves as guest host on "Point of View" (USA Radio Network). He can be reached via e-mail atkerby@probe.org.