Leaving Your Abusive Spouse Can Save Your Life!

No this isn't GODLY PERMISSION to leave your spouse because you have some marital issues. ABUSE IS NOT AN ISSUE, IT IS A CRIME!

Not too long ago I read a story about a woman finally freed from an abusive situation whose denomination forbade a wife to leave her physically or emotionally abusive husband. Her name was Diana and maybe one day I will get a chance to interview her on a blog. She had been in an abusive marriage for 25 years. As a teen she had chosen an abusive boyfriend who dominated her all through high school. He was killed in Vietnam, freeing her from that monster! Even long-distance he had controlled her every movement. His brother attempted to take over the relationship, but Diana was having none of it. She married a loving man and the marriage lasted for three years. He was killed by a drunk driver one night. Devastated, she had decided marriage wasn't for her. After moving to California she somehow fell in with a cult group called the Children of God (http://www.christiananswers.net/q-aiia/aiia-top10cults.html)  run by a sexual pervert named David Berg (now deceased). Even though she was working in a very conservative environment, had been attending a Presbyterian church, and was financially stable, she left it behind to follow this very charismatic maniac and his followers. She was given a new name, had an arranged very abusive marriage physically, mentally, and sexually, and mothered a very dysfunctional family. She became so sick physically over a period of time she finally sought a physician who happened to be a real Christian. He helped her seek wise counseling and over the next three years she finally left her abusive husband. Her children, one girl and two boys, were old enough to decided where they wanted to live, opting to stay with the abusive father out of fear, but one of her sons has left to live with Diana and her new husband. "Life is finally the way I always pictured it to be. Yes there are bad days and I am still physically and mentally taxed, but I am alive. I am loved by my God and my husband and growing stronger every day. Most of all I am loving my new life."

The point of this story is this. It is not wise or your Christian duty to stay in abuse whether physical, emotional or sexual. While it is possible, though rarely probable, that you can eventually bring a loving, unbelieving spouse to salvation, you can ALMOST NEVER BRING AN ABUSER TO TRUE SALVATION! The reason is that most abusers are Malignant Narcissists and worship only themselves in reality. Many of them attend church (usually a man-centered abuse church) and are aware of scripture and use it against their spouses to guilt them into doing their bidding. Everything revolves around their wishes and wants, even though they accuse their spouses of being selfish because they want better treatment. God help you if you ever call them down for the evil they do. You will never hear the end of it, or you will be held in contempt, or worse, you will have earned a beating. While all of us have some small bit of Narcissism in us because we want to look and be our best, true Narcissism is a sickness of the mind that can rarely change. Even those who submit to counseling rarely work it through as they believe they know more than the counselor what they need...sex! Sex to a Malignant Narcissist is love. Perhaps the most tragic thing about being joined with an abuser, is that if you have children with them and remain, the children take on many of those same traits and become abusive and foolish themselves. 

It is hard for an abused person to understand they are abused after a long period of pain. They seem to accept that this is their lot in life and learn to accept the cycle of abuse as normal. However, the damage abuse inflicts is catastrophic on the human mind and body. Self-doubt and anxiety attacks are a precursor to more terribly worse symptoms of disease. Heart disease and even cancer can occur because of abuse. 

Many physicians now agree that the cancer gene resident in our DNA in most of us can be activated by emotional, sexual, or physical abuse. It is called Intimate Partner Violence, IPV, and the effects of abuse are real! The violence can be verbal, physical, or sexual.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23808669

The following article comes from the book, Beloved Unbeliever, which is originally written to women with spouses who are unbelievers. However, the principles outlined in this article, in reality, apply to every spouse in an abusive situation. So whether your spouse professes a relationship with Jesus Christ or not, please prayerfully read and consider what the author Jo Berry has to say, as it pertains to your marriage.

She begins this portion of the book by citing the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:15 explaining that letting the spouse “leave” goes beyond physically leaving the marriage. As you read the article you’ll better understand what she means by this:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.  (1 Corinthians 7:15)

Rather than demanding that an unequally yoked wife stay in a situation where she is abused, defamed, and oppressed; where she is tortured by the temptations that such mistreatment put in her path, our precious Lord gives her an option. He does this because, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust“ (Psalm 103:13-14). He understands her humanity and takes pity on her.

LEAVING IS MORE THAN WALKING OUT THE DOOR 
A Christian woman who is facing emotional or physical abuse needs to understand both the terminology and the implications in this verse, so she can act on it within the dictates of her own common sense and conscience. The word “leave,” as it is used in 1 Corinthians 7:15, means to depart or let go. While this most obviously refers to a physical separation, the concept of letting go embodies more than mere physical absence.

Since thought always precedes action, I believe we can assume that abuse and cruelty are outward manifestations reflecting a mental state of abandonment of the essence of the marriage. So, although Paul is dealing with physical separation, certainly there can also be a psychological severing, an emotional letting go, that is just as devastating and real as a mate’s actual departure.

Scripture does not deal specifically with this problem of abuse, but Christ’s attitude and certain biblical statements can help us draw conclusions about how to respond to it. The Gospels are saturated with statements about and examples of Jesus’ compassion. He was especially tender toward women and children. Think of how gently He approached the woman at the well; how respectful He was to the woman caught in adultery; how He met Mary’s needs by teaching her as she sat at His feet; how, during excruciating agony on the cross, He committed His mother to the care of His friend, John.

In the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the apostle Paul commanded husbands to “love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and to “love their own wives as their own bodies“ (Ephesians 5:28). Christ, in love, sacrificed His life for the church. This example is the antithesis of abuse.

It appears, according to scripture then, that any man that constantly mistreats and maligns his wife, who wounds her psychologically and/or physically, has “let go” and departed from the intent of his marriage vows. He has become an infidel. He may be living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with her, but if he neglects her needs and destroys her as a person by attacking her body, soul, or spirit, mentally he has left! If he is cold, cruel, and uncaring, he has already separated himself from her, even if he shares a house with her. In his sick mind, the relationship is over.

The idea of leaving, then, can legitimately include the unbelieving husband mentally and/or emotionally abandoning his wife. The final act of “leaving” may mean he will physically remove himself, but the psychological process leading up to that moment may manifest itself in ongoing abusive conduct.

The Bible says that when this happens a Christian wife is to let him leave. The Lord does not expect or want her to suffer mental or bodily harm at the hands of a husband who is supposed to sacrificially love her. God does not want her to be oppressed or incapacitated by fear. Quite the contrary, “the sister is not under bondage in such cases“ (1 Corinthians 7:15), and any woman who is physically harmed or verbally belittled, insulted, or harassed by her husband is under bondage. Any wife whose husband controls her mind and activities with threats or brutality is enslaving her.

In this same chapter, Paul reminds us, “You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men“(1 Corinthians 7:23). God did not buy an unequally yoked wife out of the slave market of sin so she could be under bondage to another human being. He purchased her with the blood of Christ and freed her so she could voluntarily become His bond-servant.

She has to draw the line if her husband consistently oppresses her, by whatever means. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate[the comparison of her love for Me, her]own father and mother and[husband] and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even[her] own life,[she] cannot be my disciple.“ She has the right and responsibility to choose freedom impossible for her to fulfill her Christian calling.

We have already seen that submission is voluntarily choosing to yield or surrender to someone. When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.

Many times women who are in this position convince themselves that they would be unsubmissive if they fled. So, instead of retreating and protecting themselves and their children (who may be scarred for life from exposure to continual abuse), they become passive; but passivity is not the same as submission. Whereas submission is voluntary, passivity is forced oppression. Whereas submission allows for individual dignity, passivity breeds self-hatred, and eventually a wife who subjects herself to abuse starts believing that she deserves it!

She convinces herself there is no way out and that she is only getting what she has coming to her. This is especially pronounced in cases where Christian women knowingly married unbelievers. Frequently they stay to punish themselves, to pay the penalty for their sin. Their attitude is: I got myself into this, now I’m stuck with it. So, they become passive. It is vitally important that a woman who suffers maltreatment in her marriage draw the distinction between submission and passivity.

Also, some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband’s abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear —part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness’ sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant.

Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife’s faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks.

Sometimes a Christian woman who is being harmed by her mate stays because she believes that the Lord will protect her no matter what her husband does. Candy thought that, until Glen shot her. Eleanor thought that, until Ed fractured her back and skull when he threw her down the stairs. Emily thought that, until Howard burned down their house when he was spaced out on pot and booze and fell asleep on the sofa with a lighted cigarette in his band. Their three-month-old daughter suffered severe burns over 30% of her body and was in the hospital for months. Claudia thought that, until she had a mental breakdown. Her children had to be put in foster homes while she recovered because the court ruled that her husband was not a fit father.

If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people, because if we do we will imitate their behavior or suffer at their hand. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers and many men who batter their wives were themselves mistreated as children, or came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn’t selfish, isn’t sinful, isn’t unsubmissive —it’s smart.

God hasn't called the wife to live in a spirit of fear and mental instability but of “power, and of love, and of a sound mind“ (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV). He hasn't chosen her to live in a state of confusion, not knowing what to say or do next, or what tirades her well-intentioned responses might bring. “God is not a God of confusion but of peace“ (1 Corinthians 14:33) and “has called [her] peace“ (1 Corinthians 7:15).

The above article comes from the terrific book, Beloved Unbeliever: Loving Your Husband into the Faith by Jo Berry, published by Zondervan Publishing House. This book could truly help those who are married to unbelieving spouses. Jo knew what it was like to live with an unbelieving spouse and also interviewed dozens of women who are married to unbelievers. In this book they share the greatest difficulties they encounter(ed) and practical ways to handle the problems.

http://marriagemissions.com/leaving-your-spouse-because-of-abuse/

I highly recommend to any woman that if you feel you are being abused please look at these videos:
http://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/verbal-abuse-videos/

See you next blog,

Ted