The Abuser's Reaction To Rebuke or Divorce

As a counselor, one of the most frustrating scenarios is pointing what the language of abuse is. Why is it so difficult for men and women who have lived in abusive situations to realize the terrible effect the abuse they have absorbed has done to them? They come for help but many refuse to deal with why they are miserable. They become conditioned, and many actually become protectors and defenders of their abusive partner-Stockholm Syndrome. The church has failed many in the areas of spousal abuse and it is supposed to be the one place where an abused person can come freely and get real guidance and protection. Many pastors are cowards or ill-informed as to what the Bible says about abusive relationships. "Marriage is sacred" is almost the very FIRST word out of their seminary-trained mouths! Yes, a real marriage between two loving and caring partners is sacred, but just as Israel broke it's covenant with God on multiple occasions God finally divorced Israel...not once but twice! As a matter of fact, he abandoned them to their own folly let them go into captivity many times. 

The PARTY WHO PERPETRATED THE CONTINUED ABUSE BROKE THE COVENANT-IT IS NULL AND VOID! You see when a covenant is broken it is SEVERED, even in the eyes of God. God had a plan from the beginning to give a sinful world hope-REDEMPTIVE LOVE by the birth, death, and resurrection of His Son. But that door latch is on the inside. God does not arbitrarily redeem us to Himself! WE MUST OPEN THAT DOOR TO OUR HEARTS AND LET THE HOLY SPIRIT ENTER! HOWEVER, EVEN THOUGH WE MAY BE SAVED THERE IS STILL A PRICE TO PAY FOR SINS ON THIS EARTH BECAUSE ALL SIN HAS CONSEQUENCES...even the loss of a marriage. The perpetrator of THE SIN OF ABUSE must REPENT of their SINS and ACCEPT the GRACE afforded them. REMEMBER THOUGH THAT REPENT MEANS STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! TURN AROUND! AND GO THE OTHER WAY! That will be discussed in the next article posted. 

I found this article to be sooooooooooooo accurate in dealing with a FOOL...what God calls them. Abusers are FOOLS! Can they get help...some but not many! Why? Because they live in such a self-serving and selfish state of mind that repentance of sin is darn near impossible. They may say the right things but no fruit of repentance exists. They can even fool themselves because they are delusional as well. They only see what they choose to see.

The Abuser's Reactions to Rebuke or Divorce
This article deals with Male and Female ABUSERS:

YOU CAN CLICK ON ARTICLES UNDER THIS HEADING ON THE LEFT MENU.

  "Listen! And understand!  ABUSERS can't be bargained with!  THEY can't be reasoned with!  THEY don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear of hurting you.  And THEY absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead or get away!"....Kyle Reese, The Terminator, 1984

BETTER A POOR BUT WISE YOUTH THAN AN OLD BUT FOOLISH KING WHO NO LONGER KNOWS HOW TO TAKE WARNING.....Ecclesiastes 4:13 NIV

FOOLS MOCK AT MAKING AMENDS FOR SIN....Proverbs 14:9

FOOLS HAVE NO INTEREST IN UNDERSTANDING; THEY ONLY WANT TO AIR THEIR OWN OPINIONS...Proverbs 18:2NLT

AS A DOG RETURNS TO ITS VOMIT, SO A FOOL REPEATS HIS FOLLY.....Proverbs 26:11 NLT

BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNESS AND YOUR UNREPENTANT HEART, YOU ARE STORING UP WRATH AGAINST YOURSELF FOR THE DAY OF GOD'S WRATH, WHEN HIS RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT WILL BE REVEALED.  GOD WILL GIVE TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO WHAT HE HAS DONE....Romans 2: 5-6 NIV

For more on this topic, please visit the Sections 
WHY THEY ABUSE, BETRAY, OR ABANDON YOU, 
THE SILENT PARTNER, 
SETTING & ENFORCING LIMITS & BOUNDARIES, 
REBUKING, 
REPENTING & APOLOGIES,  
HAPPIER HOLIDAYS, 
and REPROBATES & CUTTING TIES

It is truly a wonder to behold the amount of time, energy, and creativity that abusers and their Silent Partners will put into inventing an infinite variety of lame excuses to justify why they should be allowed to continue hurting others.   How much easier and more constructive it would be to just re-direct and devote all of that effort into simply changing their behavior.  But They Don't Want To.  So, whether confronting your abuser, or reading about all of her ridiculous excuses, keep in mind that all you're really asking of her, and all she really has to do, is JUST STOP IT.

Here are the reactions we ourselves experienced when we began to set limits on our controlling or abusive relatives, as well as reactions other sisters have reported.

     Please contribute to our site!  If you can think of any more inappropriate reactions, please E-mail us and we'll include your ideas!  Thanks!~

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE MAD AT ME (SEE THE ARTICLE "SELECTIVE AMNESIA")

DENIAL

GASLIGHTING

INAPPROPRIATE AND JUVENILE DISPLAYS OF ANGER- GRITTING TEETH, SCREAMING, SPEEDING UP THE CAR, NAME CALLING, HANGING UP THE PHONE, PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN AND WALKING AWAY WHILE YOU'RE STILL ON THE LINE AND THEN PUTTING IT ON THE HOOK SEVERAL MINUTES LATER, MIMICKING, IMITATING, OR MAKING FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU COMPLAIN OR CONFRONT HER, ETC.

ACCUSING YOU OF TRYING TO START AN ARGUMENT, YELLING AT HER, SCREAMING OR SCREECHING AT HER, OR DELIBERATELY TRYING TO UPSET HER.

BECOMING VINDICTIVE OR VAGUELY THREATENING-"YOU'D BETTER BE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU SAID", AS IF YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO CONFRONT HER. CRYING OR LAYING ON A GUILT TRIP-"i CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY SUCH A THING TO ME", "YOU DON'T LOVE ME", "HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN TO YOUR OWN MOTHER?" (YES MOMS and DADS can be ABUSIVE)

'I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF', 'THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM', 'IT'S SUBCONSCIOUS', 'YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN IT', 'I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF' AND VARIOUS OTHER MENTAL PROBLEMS (SEE THE ARTICLE 'SHE CAN'T HELP THE WAY SHE ACTS- SO YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT, FORGIVE HER ANYWAY, AND NOT EXPECT HER TO CHANGE.')

YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME/ YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT/ YOU TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY or I NEVER SAID THAT IT WAS A JOKE(SEE THE ARTICLE'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE- VARIOUS VERSION OF 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT' WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION GIVEN')

REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY  (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE 3RS OF ACCOUNTABILITY- REPENTANCE, RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.'

SHE'S OLD (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE OLD AGE EXCUSES:  SHE'S OLD- THAT'S HOW THEY GET & HE'S OLD- SO HE'S ENTITLED')

BLAMING YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES- WHEN THEY SENSE THEY'RE LOSING THEIR GRIP ON YOU- 5 SURPRISING WAYS OF KEEPING YOU ATTACHED.')

BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE

'I DID IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'SPIN CONTROL-MAKING ABUSE SOUND LIKE A GOOD THING')

ABUSER LOVE TO GET YOU TO APOLOGIZE! 'WE WERE BOTH WRONG' OR 'WE BOTH HURT EACH OTHER' WHEN IN REALITY THE VICTIM  DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL. (SEE THE ARTICLES 'THE 'CHRISTIAN' ABUSER- TWISTING GOD'S WORD TO JUSTIFY ABUSE'  AND 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE....')

TRIANGLING (ENLISTING SOMEONE ELSE AGAINST YOU)-(SEE THE ARTICLES 'THEY CAN'T ALL BE WRONG AND YOU RIGHT...OR CAN THEY?' and THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE: HANDLING THE FAMILY MEDDLER...OOPS, I MEAN "PEACEMAKER")

SARCASM

'I SAID I WAS SORRY' WITH NO CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR  (SEE THE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION 'REPENTING AND APOLOGIES')

TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S BEEN GOING THROUGH OR WHAT'S GOING ON IN HER LIFE, AS IF THAT JUSTIFIES HER ABUSING YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE...VARIOUS VERSIONS OF 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT' WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION GIVEN.')

TELLING YOU SHE OR HE HAS REPENTED TO GOD FOR WHAT SHE DID TO YOU, SO HER CONSCIENCE IS NOW CLEAR (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE CHRISTIAN ABUSER- TWISTING GOD'S WORD TO JUSTIFY ABUSE, PART 2')

TELLING YOU SHE OR HE HAS REPENTED TO GOD SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY AMENDS TO YOU (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE 3RS OF ACCOUNTABILITY- REPENTANCE, RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY')

TELLING YOU GOD FORGAVE HER  OR HIM AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HERSELF TO YOU OR RELIVE THE PAST (SEE  ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON 'FORGIVENESS- NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOU THINK'.)

TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HER OR HIM WHETHER YOU DO OR NOT.(SEE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON 'FORGIVENESS-NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOU THINK')

TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HER OR HIM SO YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE, AS WELL.(SEE THE ARTICLES IN THE SECTION ON 'FORGIVENESS-NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOUR THINK')

TELLING YOU NOT TO 'JUDGE' HIM OR HER WHEN YOU ARE CONFRONTING HER BECAUSE YOU MADE ME HURT YOU.(SEE THE ARTICLE 'YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUDGE ME- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JUDGING AND REBUKING')

TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....')

'AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU'(SEE THE ARTICLE 'AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU'-TROTTING OUT THE 'YOU OWE ME' EXCUSE FOR ABUSE')

'YOU'RE TOO SENSITIVE "YOU TAKE EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY'  (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE....')

REFUSING TO HEAR YOU OUT 'I'M LEAVING IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THIS'

TURNING IT AROUND (GETTING ANGRY AT YOU FOR LETTING HIM KNOW HE UPSET YOU OR FOR SETTING LIMITS- TRYING TO MAKEYOU  APOLOGIZE TO HIM!)

'I DID THE BEST I COULD' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE SILENT PARTNER')

'YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....')

TELLING YOU, YOUR KIDS< YOUR PARENTS OR OTHER PEOPLE THAT HE THINKS YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. THE SAME GOES FOR FEMALE ABUSERS-TELLING YOU YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH HER; EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES HER!

'YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING' 'NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH'

DISOWNING YOU, 'I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....')

'YOU DESERVED IT!' OR 'YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT' ESCALATING THE ABUSE NOW THAT HE KNOWS IT'S GETTING TO YOU.(SEE THE ARTICLE 'DESPERATE MEASURES....')

'LET'S KEEP THIS BETWEEN US' , 'DON'T TELL ________' (ABUSERS AND THEIR ENABLERS ARE ONLY ABLE TO CONTINUE THEIR ABUSE IF THERE IS SECRECY.  THEY COUNT ON OTHERS BEING TOO INTIMIDATED TO EXPOSE THEM!) (SEE THE ARTICLE 'SPIN CONTROL- MAKING ABUSE SOUND LIKE A GOOD THING')

PRETENDING TO LOSE THEIR PATIENCE WITH YOUR COMPLAINTS-'JUST FORGET IT!'  'GET OVER IT!' (SEE THE ARTICLE 'THE MYSTERY EXCUSE....') MINIMIZING THE OFFENSE, TELLING YOU YOU'RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, OR MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL

SEE YOU NEXT BLOG,

Ted