Narcissist Hell!

Before you read this I would like to admit I cried a few tears. I really didn't think I was so vulnerable to pain in others. I don't know this woman but I think I know someone like her to a degree. I hurt for this woman for reasons I won't go into but it truly hurts. There are so many others, men and women who have experienced this HELL that is described here. Please be careful with your life. Every time I hear of a man or woman being abused, used, beaten down verbally I feel anger and rage. Sometimes the plight of someone in this kind of agony is too much to bear. I won't go to prison for the wrong someone does to another unless it is legal to do so. Here is the real crux of the matter-our choices in life. Remember this: In spite of the craziness that feminists are spouting, not every man or woman is bad news. There really exists love that can last a lifetime. However, the wrong choices in the heat of the moment can have devastating effects that may last your whole lifetime...KNOW the person you are thinking of hitching your wagon to.


OK, I admit the duress I was under has been exchanged for peace most of the time.  There is a man in my life who is kind, loving and understanding. I shouldn't need to be with my narcissistic ex-husband, right? Unfortunately, that is not the case at times. Experiencing battered wife or battered husband syndrome does not go away the moment the abuser leaves, that's what I realized. What I didn't realize is that it actually takes years and I have kept this guy I love waiting for me to get better. I have my own life but the urge to go back still crops up. My daughter tells me how much he misses me and that he is a changed person. He even treats me just like he did before we married when I have to attend events with him, my son, and daughter. However, I met one of his ex-girlfriends she says he's a monster. Was it just sour grapes or was it real truth? See what I mean, I want to blame her.

For a while I got totally lost and starting wondering how can I get this person back what should I do how do I go about making this happen? What I did end up realizing was that all the sadness of periodic disapproval with rejection, heartache and emptiness that I felt was not because I needed his warm love back in my life, a normal yearning for someone is if the person being missed was a loving person. Then I remembered, the only warm love I got was SEX and the joy only came from my giving in to this person because he did not provide warmth outside of sex, in fact, I was lucky because amid all the turmoil there were some good times. So I was left confused, but I think for me, the void that I felt was everything that he had stripped from me. I had been living in an abusive relationship for many years being demeaned, yelled at , controlled, made fun of , bullying my son behind my back, stripping me of any of my emotions because if I spoke up the whole house would pay. So yes, there was a huge void, it was everything that he had taken from me, which was control of my life.

I believe I felt lost and sorrow because of what I've lived through those past years and if there was a yearning for him, after his behavior, that surely that was from a confused woman, that woman being me. I try not to dwell on that, but remind myself that even if I did miss the creep, that there is something wrong with that, it has to be from the battered woman syndrome. Do you know I never even suffered anxiety attacks until I married this man. I never new how much I craved the words, "you look beautiful or pretty." It was always about SEX! They bring you right to the edge of acceptance and then drop you off a cliff emotionally when they don't approve of something you said or did.

So what I know AS A FACT , is that I had to be very aware and in the moment with my thinking, because if I wasn't, I would be thinking that this horrible sadness is because I need to be abused again, no, I do not need to be with an abuser again. I remember his incredible sex drive that drove me crazy. He lavished upon himself while I had to struggle to acquire anything. If I stepped out of line, he would tirade against me for hours and days sometimes. There may have been a lull in the anxiety but it only got worse as I grew more independent. I tell myself over and over I have to get over these confusing feelings and remember what the truth really was!

The truth I try not to confess is that I slowly but surely became a victim of abuse and it was very calculated and evil on his part. But then when you remember his tirades how could be so calculated?Maybe he's just sick in the head! Folks, person that has lived through such abuse is left so very confused that often it takes someone else to pull the victim out because the victim is not mentally capable any longer. If he had decided to walk out on his own, you would thank your lucky stars, otherwise the person would still be in your life. It took a very wise pastor/counselor of mine to get me away from the narcissist that was controlling me, otherwise I'm afraid that it's quite possible I would still be with him. And in the next breath I miss him or something about him, what a mess!

Its been 5 years since our divorce and I have to admit that once in awhile I will get that abnormal yearning of wanting the abuser back, so I lecture myself, “it's okay, you're doing a great job, and everything can only get better, because he's not controlling your life anymore,” except I realize that I don't fit in with my son and daughter in some more intimate ways because they are under his spell. Even abused you are still part of family, and I miss being part of all that they have together, but I also remember they were abused too, they just chose not to fight their way out of the web. The real hard part is that I see a lot of my ex's narcissism in my son and I am afraid for him. I blame myself for that because I should have seen it coming.

I have told myself so many times I can't take care of me but I also realize I must. Being poor and alone is better than being abused and used. I'm in the driver's seat now and that's where I plan on staying. I've gone back into counseling because there was so much I left uncovered the first time I went. And yes, I have lost the man who was so loving to me. His patience ran out and I can't blame him. I think the worst thing in the world is for a woman to fall for a Narcissist. Dear God, will this ever end? Will I ever truly be whole again?


Ted, you can't even imagine the anxiety and turmoil that you go through after you leave. It's like you were bitten by a vampire and still need them to draw blood from you periodically and yet you know how dangerous that could be. Please tell my story.
Still Suffering in KY.


See you next blog,
Ted