You Can Never Take Back A Failure in Character...so just throw in the towel?

Character is something that is forged inside of you. The test of your character is determined by your integrity when you know that no one is looking!
The wonderful thing about character and integrity, which are intimately related, is that they are one of the few things in life that no one will ever be able to forcefully take away from you. Your choices are your own. Even if someone can take your life, they cannot force you to make a choice that you believe is wrong. The actions below cannot be done all at once, nor should they be. Each of them takes time to fully understand and apply towards your life. Learn about your own virtues and values, and how they correspond to your life and the world around you.


Understand what character and integrity are. The definitions of these words are often stretched or misrepresented. Learn what they truly mean:

• In this use, character is the sum of qualities shown up in a person or group, moral or ethical strength, and the description of a person's attributes, traits and abilities. Character is who you are. It defines you and guides your actions, hopefully in a positive way.
• Integrity is steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code, being unimpaired, sound, whole and undivided.^[1]
• Integrity can be summed up simply as doing the right thing for the right reason even when no one is watching.

There are many examples in the old and new testament that demonstrate the character of those portrayed in each chapter. One example I cannot overlook is the character of King David. The Lord God sent a prophet to the house of Jesse to look for a future king of Israel as Saul had failed miserably the test of character by his poor integrity. There would have been hope if change had occurred because Saul was remorseful. But the only remorse Saul felt was that he was caught with his integrity lacking. David on the other hand was seen as upright before God. Was there a flaw unknown to God in David that was later revealed when he had an affair with a soldier's wife and then had that soldier put on the front line of battle so he could be killed because a child that could not have been the soldier's was about to be born. David, by some poor choices, became an adulterer and murderer! 

You can never undo what choices you have made that are born from a lack of integrity. I know this firsthand. However, failure is never final with God if you are willing to make the changes necessary to bring integrity back to the forefront of your character. 

The manner in which a leader meets his own failure will have a significant effect on his future ministry. Just as the manner in which a man or woman meets his/her own failure with his wife/husband or loved one will have that same significant effect on his future. The key is repentance, true sorrow for your failing not sorrow for getting caught.  The second part is learning to forgive yourself and not repeat your character failure. One would have been justified in concluding that Peter’s failure in the judgment hall had forever slammed the door on leadership in Christ’s kingdom. Instead, the depth of his repentance and the reality of his love for Christ reopened the door of opportunity to a yet wider sphere of service. “Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound.”

A study of Bible characters reveals that most of those who made history were men who failed at some point, and some of them drastically, but who refused to continue lying in the dust. Their very failure and repentance secured for them a more ample conception of the grace of God. They learned to know Him as the God of the second chance to His children who had failed Him—and third chance, too.

The historian Froude wrote, “The worth of a man must be measured by his life, not by his failure under a singular and peculiar trial. Peter the apostle, through forewarned, thrice denied his Master on the first alarm of danger; yet that Master, who knew his nature in its strength and in its infirmity, chose him.159

Understanding the amazing grace of God and His incredible forgiveness and acceptance through Christ, a mature Christian is one who has grasped the truth that his or her failure is not the end of an effective life with and for the Lord. While there may be consequences to live with (as with David) and serious issues to work through, the mature believer rests in the grace of God and uses the failure as a backdoor to success through growth and understanding.

A favorite hymn for many Christians is “Victory in Jesus” because there IS victory in the Savior. In fact, Christians are super-conquerors in Christ. They are those who have, as translated by the NET Bible, “complete victory” (Rom. 8:37). Significantly, this statement by Paul is made in a context that considers the reality of the varied onslaughts of life which must include failure.

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will trouble, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or death? 36 As it is written, “For your sake we encounter death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:35-39).

In view of this, we often speak of the victorious Christian life. But the truth is there is a lot of defeat in the Christian’s life because none of us will always and perfectly appropriate the victory over sin that Christ has accomplished for us by the cross. Further, the amount of deliverance we each experience is a matter of growth; so on the road to maturity and even after reaching a certain degree of spiritual maturity, Christians will sin and fail—sometimes seriously so. We don’t like to talk about it or admit it, but there is a lot of failure. Failure is a fact of life for the Christian community, but God’s grace is more than adequate to overcome any situation. The mature Christian is one who has learned to apply God’s grace remedy for failure.

Presently the bookstores are full of popular “How to Succeed Manuals” on every conceivable subject. And why is that? Because we are so concerned with the glory of God? I would hope so, but there are also other reasons. Too often, it is because we look at failure with eyes of scorn. We view failure as a Waterloo. We see it as the plague of plagues and as the worst thing that could happen to us.

As a result, the fear of failure has many people in neutral or paralyzed or playing the game of cover up. We consciously or subconsciously ignore our sins and failures because to admit them is to admit failure and that’s a plague worse than death. People often refuse to tackle a job or take on a responsibility for fear of failure. People believe if they fail they are no good. They think failure means you are a bad person and you are a failure. But, as previously mentioned, most of the great leaders in Scripture at some time in their careers experienced some sort of failure. For instance:

• When Abraham should have stayed in the land and trusted the Lord, he fled to Egypt because of the drought. And this was by no means the last of Abraham’s failures.
• Moses, in trying to help his people, ran ahead of the Lord and killed the Egyptian. Later, against the command of God, he struck the rock in his anger.
• When David should have been out in the field of battle, he stayed home and committed adultery with Bathsheba and then plotted the murder of her husband.
• Peter, in spite of his self-confidence and his great boast, denied the Lord, as did the rest of the disciples who fled before the evening our Lord’s arrest was over.

There is a fundamental principle here. Sometimes God must engineer failure in us before He can bring about success with us. Our failures are often rungs on the ladder of growth—if we will learn from our mistakes rather than grovel in the dirt.

This is not to make excuses for sin or to place a premium on mistakes or failure. This does not mean that a person must fail before they can be a success, but our failures, whether in the form of rebellion or just foolish blunders, can become tools of learning and stepping stones to success. The point is, we should never allow our fear of failure to paralyze us from tackling a job or trying something that challenges our comfort zone.

Nor should we allow past failures to keep us down or keep us from recovering and moving on in the service of the Savior. This means we should never allow failure to make us think we are a failure or that we can never change or that we can never again count for the Lord or that God can’t do anything with us because we have failed in some way. The Bible says we are all sinners and prone to failure, but in Christ we can become overcomers.

After the horrible carnage and Confederate retreat at Gettysburg, General Robert E. Lee wrote this to Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederacy: “We must expect reverses, even defeats. They are sent to teach us wisdom and prudence, to call forth greater energies, and to prevent our falling into greater disasters.”160

Mature Attitudes About Failure and Success

(1) Mature believers understand that a Christian can become successful in spite of failure because of God’s incredible grace and forgiveness. We may have to live with the results of some of our failures or sins, yet God is free to continue to love us in Christ and use us for His purposes because of grace (cf. John 21 & Peter).

(2) The mature believer seeks to use failures as lessons for growth and change. Mature believers will act on two principles: (a) They understand that failures remind us of the consequences of our decisions. We reap what we sow. This is the law of harvest. Failures remind us of what can happen, they can make us careful, but they should not be allowed to paralyze us. (b) The mature believer recognizes that our failures show us what we should and should not do; they become lessons in where we went wrong and why. You know what they say, “hindsight is 10/20.” It can help us avoid the same mistake twice if we will learn from history.

Thomas Edison invented the microphone, the phonograph, the incandescent light, the storage battery, talking movies, and more than 1000 other things. December 1914 he had worked for 10 years on a storage battery. This had greatly strained his finances. This particular evening spontaneous combustion had broken out in the film room. Within minutes all the packing compounds, celluloid for records and film, and other flammable goods were in flames. Fire companies from eight surrounding towns arrived, but the heat was so intense and the water pressure so low that the attempt to douse the flames was futile. Everything was destroyed. Edison was 67.

With all his assets going up in a whoosh (although the damage exceeded two million dollars, the buildings were only insured for $238,000 because they were made of concrete and thought to be fireproof), would his spirit be broken?

The inventor’s 24-year old son, Charles, searched frantically for his father. He finally found him, calmly watching the fire, his face glowing in the reflection, his white hair blowing in the wind. “My heart ached for him,” said Charles. “He was 67—no longer a young man—and everything was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, ‘Charles, where’s your mother?’ When I told him I didn’t know, he said, ‘Find her. Bring her here. She will never see anything like this as long as she lives.’”

The next morning, Edison looked at the ruins and said, “There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew.” Three weeks after the fire, Edison managed to deliver the first phonograph.161

(3) When mature believers fail they:

Acknowledge their failures and refuse to hide behind any lame duck excuses.

Confess any sin to God when sin is involved is involved in the failure.

Study or examine what happened so they can learn from the failure.

Put it behind them and move ahead (1 John 1:9; Phil. 3:13).

Being assured of God’s forgiveness, we are to put our failures behind us, count on and rest in His forgiveness, and refuse to use them as an excuse for morbid introspection, pessimism, self pity, depression, and fear of moving on for the Lord.

(4) Mature believers grow through failure. They will know and act on certain truths:

We are accepted in the Lord on the basis of Grace, not our performance.

We are human and, as a result, we are not now perfect nor will we ever be.

God still has a plan for our lives. God is not through with us yet, and we need to get on with His plan.

(5) The mature believer will be one who understands there are different kinds of failure.

There are those who have genuinely failed according to the principles of Scripture. If we fail to know why we believe what we believe and then fail to give an adequate reason to those who ask for a reason for our hope (1 Pet. 3:15), then we have failed in our responsibility to witness. That can become a stepping stone to getting equipped and to becoming bold in our witness, but at that point there was failure.

There is a false guilt of failure because of a wrong view of success. Many missionaries have labored faithfully in foreign countries without much success by way of converts, but that by no means indicates they are failures. A biblical illustration is Isaiah. Right from the beginning, after seeing the Lord high and lifted up, after confessing his own sin and that of his nation, and after saying, “Here am I, send me,” God sent him to preach to a people who would not listen and told him so beforehand (see Isa. 6:8-10). In the eyes of people, he was a failure, but not in God’s eyes.

There is another class of failure; those who mistakenly believe they are successes! These believers may earn an honest living and be fine supporters of the church. They unconsciously (or sometimes all too consciously) consider themselves examples for others to follow. Yet they do not realize that from God’s perspective they are failures. One man put it this way: “I climbed the ladder of success only to discover that my ladder was leaning against the wrong wall!”

Heaven will be filled with surprises! Many “successful” Christians will be nobodies, and some whose lives were strewn with the wreckage of one failure after another will be great in the kingdom.162

(6) The mature believer is one who understands the importance of choosing the right standard of measurement to determine success and failure. There are a number common worldly beliefs about success that people apply to themselves and others, but they are all distortions of the truth.163 Most of these are based on some form of faulty comparison. To those who were guilty of this kind of foolishness, the apostle Paul wrote: “For we would not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who recommend themselves. But when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding” (2 Cor. 10:12, emphasis mine)

Fundamentally, this is the distortion of comparing ourselves with others. We are all to do our best according the abilities God has given us and we are right in using others as models of Christ-like character. Paul told the Corinthians, “Be imitators of me as I also am of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). But this is not the same as when we compare ourselves with other people from the standpoint of their gifts, abilities, bank accounts, possessions, position and other such standards and then attempt to determine our success or failure or that of someone else based on such comparisons.

When I was in seminary, the students wrote our test answers in a little booklet called “The Blue Book.” After the tests were graded, they were placed in our mail boxes in the seminary mail room. Naturally, we all anticipated or dreaded, as the case might be, looking through the little glass door and seeing that little Blue Book stuffed in our box. The tendency for students was to inquire about the grades of their classmates or to loudly declare the grade they received, “Great, I made 100!” Many students refused to be involved in this game and kept their grades to themselves because of the foolish comparisons that sometimes occurred. Some students, regardless of how hard they studied, actually began to see themselves as failures because they were not able to make the high grades of some of their class mates and questioned whether or not they should even stay in seminary.

Other people determine their level of success by their bank accounts as measured by the luxury items they are able to purchase—a huge home, furniture, automobiles, boats, etc. Lutzer writes,

If money is a basis of judging success or failure, it is obvious that Jesus Christ was a failure! Consider this: when He had to pay taxes, He asked Peter to find a coin in a fish’s mouth. Why? He didn’t have a coin of His own.

Christ was born under the shelter of a stable’s roof. Most of us would be appalled if our children could not be born in a modern hospital! When He died, the soldiers cast lots for His garment. That was all He owned of this world’s goods. He died naked, in the presence of gawking bystanders.

Was Christ a failure? Yes, if money is the standard by which He is judged. The foxes have holes, the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of man did not have a place He could call home.

Of course, earning money (and even saving some) is both legitimate and necessary. But the amount we earn is not a barometer of God’s blessing.164

And I might add, lots of money and things are never an evidence of success in God’s eyes. Many who are wealthy are failures from God’s viewpoint. The point, then, is the absence or presence of money is not in itself proof of success or failure.

The comparison game reaches out to almost every area of life. It may involve comparing friends, i.e., name-dropping to suggest that one is successful because he runs with the right people. Or it may involve believers comparing the size of their church, the size of their mission’s budget, the number of books one has had published, etc. None of these things are in themselves a proof of success in God’s eyes. A classic illustration is when Moses struck the rock when God had told him to only speak to the rock.

Water flowed. The people were jubilant! Was Moses a success? Yes, in the eyes of men. No, in the eyes of God! His disobedience brought water, but it also brought punishment.

Results in themselves are not a proof that God is pleased. It is possible to win attendance contests and disseminate the Gospel and see results; all these activities can be done without pleasing God! Such results can be achieved by deceptive gimmicks or for purely personal satisfaction. It is not enough to do God’s work; it must be done in his way and for His credit.165

Conclusion

There are many causes for failure. Some are the product of specific acts of sin, but some are not. Some are simply the product of ignorance or of circumstances beyond our control like a drop in the stock market or extreme weather conditions (drought, floods), which can cause a farmer or rancher to lose his shirt, as they say. Naturally, this kind of failure, as serious and painful as it is, is not as serious as spiritual failure like, for instance, the sin of David. While David did recover from his sin and was still used of God afterward, there were lifelong consequences in his life and in the lives of others.

Whether caused by sin or by the many things that can happen beyond our control, all failure teaches us the important truth of just how desperately we need God and His mercy and grace in our lives. Sometimes our failures are mirrors of reproof, but always they can become tools for growth and deeper levels of trust and commitment to God if we will respond to them as such rather than rebel and become hardened through the difficulty. “God is adequate for all kinds of failure. Some failures may not be our fault, but they serve as reminders that we must live with eternal priorities in mind. Other failures are directly the result of our own sinful choices.”166

Regardless, God has made more than adequate provision for us in Christ and His finished work on the cross, which is the sole basis of our relationship and forgiveness with God and our means of a meaningful and productive life with Him. Understand this Christian, none of this is an excuse for failure nor is it a hook to get out of the effects of your failure. All character failure comes with consequences but failure is truly never final with God.

Christian or not you cannot change the past...but you can change the future? It's your call...

(Parts taken from Bible.org)

See you next blog,

Ted

Recognizing Abuse In The Christian Marriage

Like so many pastor/counselors before me I was taught in seminary that marriage counseling was going to be the hardest issue to deal with because it often called for the pastor to remain absolutely neutral or lose one member or both in the church. Often times people they knew would side with one or the other and they also would leave if the pastor made the mistake of taking sides. "Why would taking sides even be necessary?" one professor said aloud. "You weren't there when all their quibbles started so how could even know which side to take?"

Surely, marriage counseling would be the undoing of a church so I was taught to listen attentively and make no recommendations but tell the person to look at themselves as "taking one for the gipper (God)." In other words blame yourself and quit looking at the other person's faults! After all you took vows saying "until death do you part."

Unfortunately there is a side to take when the squabbles involve ABUSE. Either verbal, emotional, or physical, abuse is extremely dangerous and can run quickly to murder if the abused or the counselor mishandles the situation. One thing is clear: ABUSE IS REAL AND IT IS IN THE CHURCH! One thing a person who is abused must do is recognize the serious situation you are in and get away from the situation...MOVE OUT! Secretly if you must but do it! Do not immediately agree to meet at the church or counselor at the same time, and make sure you are not followed when you leave. Know where the police stations are and drive there. Some abusers are DANGEROUS and you have to assume if you are being followed that the abuser is dangerous.

The following is from Del Hunderford:


         If I had to look back at the abusive behavior of my husband, several warning signs were there, but I somehow didn't see it as such. I think as women, we want to please our husbands and we are taught to do so-of course he will be quick to tell you that it is our responsibility.  It's natural to get upset with each other. Because we are human, we will treat each other poorly at various times in any relationship. The amount of stress that people are under, in addition life in general, will often have an affect on our behavior towards a spouse.  Every couple fights and has disagreements. It goes with the territory. So, when does it become abuse? I believe the simple answer here is that when one person wants to control the other, the abuse starts. Generally, the abuse is gradual at first and gets more severe as time passes. You will see evidence of this in my own story.  Many couples will experience the "cycle of abuse," which is explained in most books on abuse. As I state in my book, because this was never the case in my marriage, I can't relate to that cycle. Therefore, I have no experience with the emotional aspects of the cycle. I can only imagine that it would make it tougher for a victim to leave the abuser.
        As with many couples, when my husband and I started having communication problems, we went into counseling with our pastor. We also saw the couple that sponsored a "young married's" group in the church. They worked with couples that had been married less than five years. We also saw my husband's best friend, who was a substance abuse counselor. He had a degree in counseling so we thought that his counsel would be very helpful, and much of it was.
        In CHRISTIAN counseling, I believe the focus may be different than non-Christian counseling. Because Christian couples are encouraged to work together, counselors make sure each person is doing his/her part. This can't be accomplished if one spouse is complaining about the behavior of the other. I am guessing this because of how things were done in my own marriage counseling experience, outside the church setting. My husband and I went to a secular counselor after we separated in hopes of finding a way to get back together. We did this at the request of our pastor.
     
    Here are some things that I noticed in our counseling sessions:
Counselors took us at our word. If we told them something, they had no choice but to believe what was said. Since none of the counselors could see what was going on in our home, they could only go by what we said to them.
We often went into counseling sessions with assignments that were to be prepared for the specific session. I always had the assignments done, and my husband didn't.  I wish our counselors would have sent us home. To me, this showed my husband that the assignments weren't that big of a deal.
It was hard for me to disagree with my husband during counseling sessions. I struggled with knowing what to say and how to say it so it didn't appear that I was complaining. My husband had no problems disagreeing with me, although he had a way of doing it in counseling so that it didn't look like he was attacking me.
All of the counselors that we saw (in the church setting) wanted us to talk about our OWN issues instead of what our spouse was doing to upset us. The focus in counseling sessions was always how to work things through as a couple.
During individual counseling, we were encouraged to do what we could to support the spouse. Yes, I talked about my frustrations, but the focus was on what I could do to work through those frustrations. Since I couldn't change my husband's behavior, I had to focus on my reactions to his behaviors.
None of my counselors ever told me to get a divorce, even at the point where it because obvious there were problems beyond normal marital issues. I was told that when "enough was enough," I'd know it. This always left the ball in my court for me to "own" my decision.
In secular marriage counseling, the job of our marriage counselor was to help with communicatation. By opening up with each other, sharing hurt feelings and what caused those hurt feelings, we were supposed to see how our individual actions had hurt our spouse . We were then encouraged to learn how to see the needs of each other, and then help meet those needs.  From my observations, the marriage counselor shows couples how to "work out" and "through" the difficulties in the marriage.
In my specific case, I was surprised that our marriage counselor was unable to see the abuse. By the time we quit marriage counseling, I'd been seeing a domestic violence specialist for about a month. It was the domestic violence counselor, without her knowledge, that helped me see the marriage counseling wasn't working. Although I can't put my finger on it right now, I knew that how I felt when walking out of the marriage counselors office, was not right. I believe people should never leave a counseling session feeling worse than when they walked in. I felt belittled and attacked after every marriage counseling session. It took all that was within me to walk back into her office each time.
        Now, if you've had some counseling with anyone specializing in abuse, you may recognize that normal marriage counseling won't work. For MOST marriages that are dealing with basic communication issues, not involving control, counseling in the above format is fine. Because mankind is inherently selfish, it's easy to want our own way and blame problems on the spouse. I would say that the majority of church-going-married-couples struggle with communication and deferring to a spouse like all couples. Just because a couple calls themselves Christians, doesn't mean they will not have the same issues as everyone else. The Character of God takes time to build. Therefore, we will struggle with selfishness along the way. Somehow, it appears that people think because they are Christians, everything will be easier. This is so untrue. The New Testament refers to young Christians as "babies" and that as we grow, we become more mature. As we mature, we no longer need the "milk" of the Word, but the "meat" of the Word.  (I Corinthians 3 and Hebrews 5:12 to get you started.) We can only expect to deal with marriage the way God intended it to be based on our level of maturity as a Christian.
        I believe that many of the problems suffered in an abusive marriage can be seen earlier if counselors look past the obvious and try to help determine what the root of the problem is. This can be tough because, again, it's hard to get beyond what the "counseled" is saying at that given time. In most cases, a counselor will see their client very little outside of the session. In public, people tend to show their best side, especially if they have something to hide. This is true in churches too. When in a group setting, an abuser knows how to "look good" to those around him/her. They are truly "masters of disguise." So then, how does a counselor learn to see beyond that mask? From my own experiences, I would like to suggest the following need to be considered:

Body language.  In a Christian marriage, if the wife walks behind the husband instead of beside him, this is a warning sign. If you watch women of Afghanistan, Pakistan, or other countries where the husband has complete control over the wife, you will notice that the woman always walks behind the man. Women are considered "property" to a man in certain religions. Women have no voice in these relationships. There are many other forms of body language used by abusers. Watch how the couple sits together. Does the husband turn his body away from the wife?  How affectionate are they in public? If they do appear to be affectionate, look into the woman's eyes. How is she responding to that affection?  The eyes are truly the window to the soul. Watch facial expressions, hand gestures, and eye contact of the couple. Sometimes, I see abusers make very little eye contact with the victim EXCEPT WHEN CONDEMNING OR DEMANDING!  They appear to be looking "past" instead of directly into the eyes of whom they are talking with.

Tone of voice. In any given conversation, the tone of voice is a major key. A good counselor will look past the actual words being said and pay attention to the tone of voice used by both husband and wife.  How does he speak with her? Is there fear or reservation in her voice? Does it appear that maybe she doesn't know how to respond? Does she not have answers at all? In my situation, my facial expression was often the exact opposite of what it should have been. The reason for this was simple. I didn't want to give off the impression that what was being said was either hurtful or that it bothered me. Giving this away would have made life at home worse. In other words, my tone of voice didn't match my facial expression. Counselors didn't pick up on this, although one did question me about it. I was smiling when my husband was sharing his hurt about something I'd done. She asked why. I couldn't give her an answer.

Inability to provide logical answers.  When a counselor asks a spouse specific questions about situations; how he/she feels, or how to help resolve an issue, and the counselor is met with an "I don't know" answer, this is an indicator something's amiss. In a counseling session as a couple, the victim will rarely reveal any "secrets" to a counselor. Even during individual counseling, it will take prying to get the information out. The counselor must know the right questions to ask.

Know the signs of abuse.  In talking with a woman who works with those suffering abuse at the hands of a Christian man, I learned that she'd been married to an associate pastor. Because she'd worked with domestic violence agencies prior to being married, she began to recognize the signs of abuse and was only in the marriage a short time. Every member of the clergy needs an education in the signs of abuse.

Relationship with other people.  Determine the history of relationships with others, from the beginning of the marriage to the point of counseling.  Do they still have the same relationships now? If not, why? Are they seeing less people now than they did earlier in the marriage? The husband may have kept his relationships the same, but in many cases, the wife begins to lose close relationships with family and her friends. How often does she see her family and friends? The abuser almost always isolates the victim to some extent. These are not questions I'd ask in couples counseling. The wife of an abusive husband will not answer properly and will pay the price later for giving an answer that could give away any secrets.

Expectation of submission.  If the husband EXPECTS the wife to submit, then he's being spiritually abusive. He's demanding that her will be given over to him. If he's using scripture to "keep her in line," he's wanting control over her. Not only is this unscriptural, but it's abusive as well. A good counselor should be able to determine if this is happening in a private session. Again, I would not ask these types of questions in couples counseling. The abuser will almost demand unreasonable sex in order to control their mate and satisfy an abnormal desire. In a "Christian marriage" the only scriptures they seem to know are the ones that benefit their cause...however they do not truly understand that they are also to be in submission to God and their mate. It works both ways.

Tirades. It is not uncommon once an abuser recognizes you will take your stand against violence to tirade incessantly until you capitulate and admit they are right and you are wrong. After all, they are control-freaks and have to control you to be happy or they will make you pay in other ways. If the spouse in a marriage talks about the tirades you can almost bet there has been violence in the past. Emotional abuse is still ABUSE!

Determine mental stability.  I think this is a big one. If you or a counselor suspect that something doesn't "seem quite right" with your husband, maybe something really isn't! I could never understand why my ex-husband truly believed there was never a need to apologize. He ALWAYS thought he was right, even when it seemed obvious that he wasn't. Todd (the "book name" for my ex-husband) not once during our entire marriage ever said he was sorry for anything. There was no "kiss and makeup" whenever he was angry with me. Flat out... he was never wrong. This behavior is not normal. Although I can't prove anything, I would suspect by what I've read that Todd has some mental issues. I never felt that Todd had a conscience, which scared me at times. Certain "disorders" lend themselves to the inability to change or know the difference between right and wrong.

Finances. The abuser controls the money and ensures that the other party must feel guilt at using anymore than designated to be spent. Often they will barter for sex or favors if they must spend unplanned money on the individual they are married to. They will lavish upon themselves but their partner will pay the price for stepping over the line.

Yes, ABUSE IN SO-CALLED CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES EXIST! These are just a few of the "behaviors" I'd suggest looking for to counselors. This article will continue to expand as I talk with more people and garnish more information.  I think it's very difficult, especially in Christian homes, to determine if verbal, emotional, or spiritual abuse are present. If you are a Christian woman reading this and suspect that you're in an abusive marriage, contact an agency that specializes in abuse for Christian women. There are several listed under the "helpful links" page. They can direct you to counselors in your area that can assist. I would only go to your pastor if you're in a church that allows women in leadership. If not, more than likely, your pastor will side with your husband.

Much taken from: Recognizing Abuse in a Christian Marriage
based on my personal experience... (updated July, 2010)
by Del Hungerford

What is available on this website? Below is a list of questions asked by many Christian women in abusive marriages that are addressed throughout this website:

• What are the signs of verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse?
• What is verbal abuse?
• What are the effects of verbal abuse?
• Is there a checklist for verbal abuse?
• How to do you stop verbal and emotional abuse?
• Are there examples of verbal abuse?
• Are there books about verbal abuse?
• How do you get out of a verbally abusive relationship?
• As a Christian, can I get a divorce because of verbal abuse?
• Are there Bible verses about verbal abuse?
• Are there ways to stop verbal and emotional abuse?
• Is there a definition for verbal abuse?
• Where can I find information about verbal abuse?
• Are there warning signs of verbal abuse?

Del brings a very biblical approach to the question of what to do in a marriage where Christ is supposed to be the head but in fact is not. I highly recommend an abused person read about divorce because of abuse. More times than not verbal and emotional abuse have far more reaching devastation than physical violence. But no abuse of any kind is to be tolerated in a marriage, Christian or not! Get out and get help immediately. YOU are not a someone's punching bag physically or verbally. Don't tolerate it EVER!

See you next blog,

Ted

A Presidential Blunder Based On A Lack of Knowledge

In talking to people about the Christian Faith, especially Muslim friends, I often hear Barack Obama's words quoted back to me about the crusades. Please understand he is not a theologian or historian but has heard the lies he had repeated to him over and over. This correction by Dr. Ravi Zacharias should help understand where Mr. Obama blundered...

President Barack Obama’s address at the National Prayer Breakfast on February 5, 2015 has reverberated through the corridors of the world and provoked shock and dismay in numerous quarters. Even a professor at the University of London commented on his shallow understanding of the Crusades. I hesitated to write anything on the subject because it would drag me into politics or into a sobering critique of Islam. I am not sure that at a time like this either distraction would be wise, so let me keep it to the minimum.

For those who did not hear the talk, it is sufficient to say that it was the most ill-advised and poorly chosen reprimand ever given at a National Prayer Breakfast. I have been to several and have never, ever heard such absence of wisdom in a setting such as this. ‎I wasn’t at this one but have heard the speech often enough to marvel at the motivation for such thoughts. President Obama basically lectured Christians not to get on a moral high horse in their castigation of the ISIS atrocities by reminding them that the Crusades and slavery were also justified in the name of Christ. Citing the Crusades, he used the single most inflammatory word he could have with which to feed the insatiable rage of the extremists. That is exactly what they want to hear to feed their lunacy.  ‎In the Middle East, history never dies and words carry the weight of revenge.

There is so much I would love to say in response but shall refrain. The President obviously does not understand the primary sources of either faith for him to make such a tendentious parallel. The predominant delight in his remarks would be in the Muslim world and the irreligious. The next day Geraldo Rivera, opining favorably, made the oft repeated lie that more people have been killed in the name of God than in any other cause. Try telling that to the Chinese and the Russians and the Cambodians and the victims of the Holocaust! ‎Such intellectual ignorance gains the microphone with pitiable privilege. If a thinking person doesn’t know the difference between the logical outworkings of a philosophy and the illogical ones, to say nothing of the untruth perpetrated, then knowledge has been sacrificed at the altar of prejudice.

But let me get to the President’s final statement, after he had wandered off into erroneous territory. That final remark was true. He said, “It is sin that leads us to distort reality.” He was right. In fact he embodied it in his talk. But there is good news for the President. At least in the Christian message forgiveness is offered for sin. In Islam it isn’t. You must earn it. May I dare suggest that if Christians had been burning Muslims and be-heading them, he would have never dared to go to Saudi Arabia and tell them to get off their high horse. He unwittingly paid a compliment to those who preach grace and forgiveness. That is the dominant theme of the Gospel. That is why we sit in courtesy listening to the distortion of truth, the abuse of a privilege, and the wrong-headedness of a message.

I cannot recall when I have heard such inappropriate words at so important an occasion, in such a time of crisis. The world is burning with fear and apprehension. We need a message that will inspire and encourage and redeem. Ironically, two years ago when Dr. Ben Carson spoke and made some comments about our medical plan and the tax system, the White House demanded an apology from him for straying into controversial terrain, because it felt his comments showed disrespect for the President.

The 2015 National Prayer Breakfast speech was a blunder in thought. But there was a silver lining. In the end, President Obama blundered into the truth. Sin distorts… and only Jesus Christ restores the truth. Christ will ever rise up to outlive His pallbearers. Even presidents will have to get off their high horses then and recognize the Lord of life and hope and peace. There will be no speech making then. Only a prayer of surrender… which is what the National Prayer Breakfast was meant to be in the first place.

Ravi Zacharias is founder and president of Ravi Zacharias International Ministries (RZIM), a global ministry focused on evangelism, apologetics, spiritual disciplines, training, and humanitarian support. An itinerant speaker for 42 years, Zacharias is presently Senior Research Fellow at Oxford University’s Wycliffe Hall and his weekly radio program, “Let My People Think,” airs on over 2,000 outlets worldwide. Dr. Zacharias and his wife, Margie, have three grown children and reside in Atlanta.  More information is at www.rzim.org.

In Christ,

Ted

Interesting and accurate letter to President Obama:  http://www.christianity.com/christian-life/political-and-social-issues/dear-mr-president.html

Thriving in Chaos-Navigating Life's Storms

We have heard a lot about “Fake News” lately and to a certain degree most news is fake news. Why would I say that? Because of political and human bias. It used to be that news was simply reporting facts about what occurred but eventually what crept in because of political bias, human bias, and what is called “packaging news” the news became more of a news writers perspective. Can it be trusted...hardly! We are left to read between the lines and yet our own political bias governs how we disseminate that information. What does that have to do with Navigating Through Life’s Storms, one would ask?

When we as Christians view information we need to do it through the lens of God’s word? What has the Bible told us concerning chaos in the world and storm tossed lives. You see, God is very comfortable in the midst of storms because He sees the beginning and the end in every life. He has a plan and it’s up to us to examine His word and decide how to best use it to get through the chaos. His word is a bias in that God has a perspective on how to view what we read and how we accept, deny, or communicate what we read. As non-Christians reading Christian information we have to decide if what we are reading is something we really need in order to thrive and survive in a world that denies the Bible as relevant to today.

In looking historically at news; "news" has been new information considered to have sufficient importance to justify an announcement to the citizens. Therefore, it is reasonable to say that a news program should only happen when a newsworthy event happens.

It could also be argued that the program should only last as long as necessary to tell what happened.

But, when a news program is designed, scheduled, formatted and funded, it takes on a life of its own. It must fill up its packaged, scripted and dollar-driven slot. Advertisers are not interested in supporting an occasional program of uncertain length.

Yes, of course, angles and agenda take over. Humans, with their own bag of biases, must decide what information meets the standard of "sufficient importance." That leads to the invention of news.

For example, in his Washington Post column,¹ Eugene Robinson chronicled how the disappearances or deaths of young, pretty white women – like Natalee Holloway, Laci Peterson, Elizabeth Smart, Chandra Levy, the "runaway bride," etc. – drive many news programs.

Perhaps it is coincidental that young white women are an advertiser-favored demographic.

And, the stories are deeply tragic. We all hurt for the loves ones who wait or grieve. Nevertheless, the fact that we know these stories in such depth is an extreme distortion of the justification for news. How do any of those stories constitute information "of sufficient importance to justify an announcement to citizens?"

Do you believe in "The Bermuda Triangle?"

Several years ago, a PBS program offered a plausible and persuasive resolution of the Bermuda Triangle mystery: It doesn't exist.

Sure, weird things happen in that theoretical triangle between Miami, Bermuda and Puerto Rico. Planes and ships have certainly disappeared in very mysterious circumstances.

But, such things happen in all waters. In fact, as the program illustrated, imposing the same "triangle" all over the oceans of the world reveals about the same number of strange things everywhere.

Lloyds of London, the US Coast Guard and other maritime data sources do not see any unique patterns at all in the Bermuda Triangle.

So, why do we believe it?

Because, over the past 50 years, writers and filmmakers have woven the facts about the triangle into very compelling narratives; proving that if you arrange any set of facts into certain patterns, story lines will always emerge.

Once people accept that story line, every new incident helps to build it stronger. So, now, when any plane or yacht goes down in (or remotely near) that area, people jerk into a confirmation of the myth.

Perhaps we should be more skeptical of the news and myths that permeate our daily lives. OK, now back to Navigating Life’s Storms:

Who is helping you navigate the storm?

The Bible tells the story of a horrific storm of events surrounding the birth of Jesus. Babies were slaughtered all across the land as Herod sought to eradicate any challengers to his reign.

The storm had unique fury for the wise men. They had traveled a great distance in order to worship Jesus as the new king of the Jews. Furthermore, after a meeting with King Herod, they left with a specific command from him.

Caught in that very treacherous storm, the voice of God warned all of the men of the dire consequences and directed them into a plan of action.

In fact, the Bible tells many stories of people caught in storms – political, financial, military and meteorological – who were directed into specific actions that saved their own and many other lives.

Is it possible that we would all "hear" the voice of God more quickly and clearly if we didn't make Him compete with Katie Couric, Chris Matthews, or Bill O'Reilly? Today we also have to view what we hear or think we know from the biased mouths of late night talk show hosts. Why does what God wants have to be disseminated by what we understand truth to be from these as a source?

Let me ask that a different way...

What if a stranger sat down at your table in Starbucks and began giving you advice about an important financial matter? Would it be appropriate to ask about his personal success, morality, family relationships and other measurements of life?

Your intelligence and prudence would require some kind of personal relationship and foundation of trust before receiving advice from a stranger.

Yet, once we discover someone we are in agreement with in our way of thinking we are quick to invite unknown people and agencies into our living rooms to plant advice, philosophical positions and world views in our minds. This is true of Christian and non-Christian people.

Faith in the midst of storms

Those voices often undermine our ability to navigate storms. Why? Because they sow seeds of doubt.

Pessimism is one of the most dominant and pounding attitudes of news agencies and reporters. That attitude goes to the traditional motives for news: it is almost always "bad." Crises, tragedies or urgencies represent the conventional criteria for information "of sufficient importance to justify an announcement to citizens."

That inherent bias tilts the entire organization toward an expectation of bad stuff coming down. It is not reasonable to expect a news gathering operation to announce hope or persuade people to have confidence.

Nor is it reasonable to consider them as reliable navigation aides.

But, there is a Voice we can trust to lead us through the storm.

God has always preserved – even prospered – His people in the midst of adversity. The 91^st Psalm is a great anthem of protection in the midst of death and destruction. Thousands and ten thousands may fall around, but "the plague will not come near your tent" (Psalms 91: 10).

In the previous article, I wrote, "God is very comfortable in what we define as ‘chaos.'" Obviously, He is very comfortable in storms. After all, storms are a very natural part of His creation. Hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, thunderstorms and other weather phenomena all perform essential services.

Jesus actually spoke to storms. And, they obeyed Him.

Would you rather listen to a financial reporter on MSNBC, CNN, CNBC or The Voice of the One Who created and directs – and walks through – storms?

Do you need continuous doses of doubt and despair as you navigate the storm?

Or, would your posture and efforts in the midst of a storm be more victorious if you are directed by the One who creates and manages storms?

See you next blog,

Ted

Thriving in Chaos

I was reading an article by Ed Chinn of Focus On The Family. Why? Because the storms of life are raging in my life right now. I don't want to just survive but instead I want to thrive in the middle of the worst of it. There are many things that are my fault in this and a few things that are not. Charles Stanley preached today about Down But Not Out...I needed to hear it.

I started today remembering that God never promised in His Word that we would go through life without trials. Jesus, himself said you will have tribulation in this world! GULP!!! But Lord I wanted the Rose Garden and He said there are thorns in the rose garden but there is also beauty!  I want you to know I am writing this along with Ed Chinn to myself as well. I have not come out the other side of this storm. I just entered the storm a few months back, but I am learning about exercising my faith in God's word. We are all on a journey no less treacherous than explorers in uncharted territory. How well we do depends on what guidelines we trust. This will be a four-part series.

If you have never been sailing it is something everyone should experience, but try it in a boat with no motor just sails and rudder. You will learn a lot about life...

In his book, The Millennium Matrix (Jossey-Bass, 2004), futurist Rex Miller suggests that most of us – individuals, families, churches and businesses – are moving into the turbulent and chaotic waters of the North Atlantic.

But, we're doing so in vessels designed for the balmy Caribbean.

So, are you one of the people, dozing on the deck of a schooner, dressed for mild and warm Bahamian breezes? The rhythms of Jamaica pulse through your iPod wires into your ear canals. The worries and intrusions of real life are so far away.

But, later…a slight chill touches your skin. The canvas sails begin popping loudly; the wind is rising. And the graceful sailing craft seems to be bouncing on a hard surface. As you roll over and slowly open your eyes, you see angry white caps sharply defined against a gray gun barrel-steel sky.

Apparently, we are not in the Caribbean anymore.

Our Times Are in His Hands

Obviously, we all prefer the tranquility and prosperity of "good times." Your investment portfolio is rising, your home value is soaring, you pay cash for most things, dine in the best restaurants and drive a new car.

Life is good.

But, God orders and administrates life on this planet with a full and varied palette of times and seasons. The winter blizzards do something which the warm summer wind cannot. Earthquakes and hurricanes and tornadoes contribute unique and essential factors to life. And the economies of earth pass through normal and crucial cycles.

In his famous sermon on Mars Hill, the apostle Paul told his audience that God, "made from one, every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times, and the boundaries of their habitation…" (Acts 17:26 NASB)

Yet, we are all tempted to believe that deadly tsunamis, bone-chilling temperatures or collapsing stock markets mean things are out of control. That is simply not true.

Rather, those dynamics and events are evidence that One is in control.

That's why David wrote, "I trust in You, O Lord…my times are in Your hand." (Psalm 31: 14-15 NKJV)

The real question is "Do we trust God?" Since He has established the boundaries and times and seasons of life, do we trust His ability to administrate life on His own planet? Do we trust Him to bring the appropriate season to our life?

Is Chaos Beautiful?

In Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon famously observed, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted…He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Some Bible translations change "beautiful" to "appropriate." Everything is appropriate in its own time.

So, do we live in a beautiful time? Is it possible that home foreclosures, job losses, bankruptcies, and stock market crashes are "appropriate" for certain seasons?

Is the North Atlantic in January any less a part of God's creation than the Caribbean in August? Does God see one as "good" and the other as "bad?" Could it possibly be true that both seas are beautiful and appropriate? Do both contribute to the ecology of God's earth?

God is very comfortable in what we define as "chaos." When most of us use that term we are simply describing what we cannot control.

Do we see the beauty of all His creative design and power? Or, do we tend to view the majesty of God's creation from the bunker of our own creature comforts? You know; rain on our wedding day is bad. A decline in property value means that God must be either weak or distracted. A weather-grounded flight that prevents us from getting to a Las Vegas weekend is a terrible crisis.

Be Not Troubled

I once knew a man who took long walks every day. When asked about inclement weather, he replied, "There is no such thing as bad weather, only improper clothing."

Adaptability is the real issue. How do we adapt to – and navigate through – the conditions which God alone created and controls?

Can we thrive in His chaos?

Jesus' disciples once asked Him about troubling and turbulent times. In His reply, He spoke of global chaos – wars, famines, earthquakes, and pestilences. But, he also said, "See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to pass…" Matthew 24: 6 – 7 NKJV.

Since Jesus said that these things "must" come, then surely He doesn't intend to change them. However chaotic they may seem to us, they are essential to His administration of life on earth.

So, the application of convulsive phenomena – meteorological, geologic, political, economic – is His business.

Remaining untroubled is the only part which He gave to us!

In this Thriving in Chaos series, we will examine many features of the current economic and political crises and how we can navigate through – and remain untroubled in the midst of – uncertainty.

We will look at numerous methods and attitudes which are essential to navigating through storms, while keeping the turbulent waters of the storm out of our own boat. The next part of this involves navigating through a storm because in a sailboat, unless you can keep to your course in a storm you could end up on the rocks of a reef and learn about another kind of turbulent time-swimming with sharks! 

Next up: Navigating-Setting Your Course In The Storm

Enjoy, 

Ted

(Ed Chinn is a very popular freelance writer in Texas and has written many great articles on the Christian walk. He currently writes for Focus on Family and independent articles. I highly recommend reading Ed's work.)

3 BIG LIES OF PORN!

 I'd love to say I wrote this...but I didn't! It's a piece by Dr James Dobson and as a former porno junkie I can tell you IT IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY! SO PAY ATTENTION!

"I started to write an apology, but I don't have anything to say I'm sorry for...It was long distance, and either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he's going to look at you."   

- Jennifer Lawrence (actress)

I will be the first person to admit that men, in general, are wired differently than women when it comes to visual stimuli regarding the opposite sex (yet, recent statistics have shown that this is a problem for women as well). Having been involved in family ministry for over 10 years, I have walked alongside many men struggling with some form of pornography. I can count on one hand the men that I’ve known that truly are not tempted and don’t struggle with the unabashed access we now have to online nudity. In this sense, it is true that most men, and this includes Christian men, are tempted to look at pornography when it is literally one click away. Yet, to say that men need or must pursue porn to function in life is just a flat out lie. By God’s grace, Ms. Lawrence’s quote is way off base, and men can say “no” to porn and the lies that surround it.

Pornography’s 3 Big Lies:

1. “It doesn’t hurt anyone.”
2. “God wired me this way. So it's okay.”
3. “It creates intimacy within our marriage.”
The Truth:

1. Pornography hurts everyone.

Our sins always impact our relationships, first vertically with God and then horizontally with others. Pornography is no different, and given its intimate nature can cause even greater harm. When we choose porn over our spouse we devalue them and are essentially saying, “You’re not good enough. I need someone else to fulfill me.” Can you imagine the hurt this inflicts upon our spouse when we continually choose porn over them?Another sobering thought is that the young woman we are looking at is someone’s daughter and very possibly the wife of another man.  
2. Yes, God hard-coded sexual desires within both men and women. Yet, He designed the fulfillment of these desires to be bound within the covenantal boundaries of a marital relationship.
The sexual act that is part of the covenant of marriage reflects the reality of this most personal-oneness relationship. The physical act of sexual union also speaks to the passionate bond that a man and woman are designed to share. Within this most sacred God-made covenant, marital intimacy takes on a meaning of pure oneness. In this sense, it is absolutely wonderful for a man to desire his wife and a woman to desire her husband. The book of the Song of Solomon elaborates in great detail the fervent love that a man and woman can share within their marriage. God wants us to desire and fulfill sexual intimacy with our spouses. 
The beauty of the marital covenant, like other God-given covenants is this: Within the boundaries of this union, i.e. holding fast to Christ, there is both total provision and complete protection. To go outside of the marriage relationship to seek sexual pleasure, in any form, i.e. visually, emotionally and/or physically is inviting the enemy to have his way.

Just an added note...Jesus' own words state that if you are a married man/woman and look upon another woman/man with lust you have committed an act of adultery-not my words...His. He was talking about fantasizing being in a sexual way with her.  Pornography is exactly that. The marital covenant is exclusive, forsaking all others to be exclusively with the spouse you chose.

3. Sexual sins like pornography destroy families.

While some couples may experience greater sexual satisfaction when involving pornography within their marriage, it will overtime kill their marriage. Porn will devastate true intimacy. There is no shade of grey when it comes to porn. There is a simple truth that is universal in its application: Anything that comes between God and me (the vertical) will cause separation in my marriage (the horizontal). As shared before, we never sin on an island. Sadly, couples that turn to pornography for greater “intimacy” within their marriages are doing just the opposite.  It also has ramifications for our children. Beyond sad is the fact that the average age now for a child to view pornography is 11 years old (Center for Parent/Youth Understanding). I’ve personally met dozens of adult men and women that are still recovering from their father’s legacy of porn and/or their exposure to it because of their father.  
There are a few verses that God used to convict me in this area:

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Hebrews 13:4

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined[d] to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin[e] a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:15-19

While porn may give us a temporary sexual “high,” it will always damage our most intimate relationships with God, our spouses and our children.  Ms. Lawrence was correct that most men are wired in a way to desire intimacy with women that may lead a man down the path of pornography (a lot of women are as well). However, God also wired man with the ability to choose which path he will take.  This God-given yearning for sexual intimacy was designed to exist and thrive within a oneness relationship with our wives. When it comes right down to it, our sexual desires as men and women are more about our spouses (putting their needs before our own), creating children, the marriage covenant and the glory of God than they are about us. 

If you've experienced some defeats over the years around this issue, don't lose hope. Almost every man alive has taken a hit when it comes to pornography. We holdfast to God's promise, that if we repent and seek forgiveness, His grace and mercy awaits us. Men, make the resolution, from here on out, to only have eyes for your wives. I encourage our wives to make the same resolution toward their husbands (see the Resolved Eyes Blog). By God's grace, pornography's lies will not be a part of the heritage we leave our children. Rather, our legacy, while imperfect, will be a relentless pursuit to uphold the sacred honor of our marriages.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Ephesians 5:25-30
By Dr. James Dobson

Enjoy,
Ted

Broken Together

I've been accused of being anti-marriage. I've even been told that I am a destroyer of Christian values because I advocate separation or divorce from Narcissists. It's also true I've had failed marriages but I wasn't the only failure in the marriage. However that does not excuse my portion to do all I could to save the marriage. I don't know how much was my portion in every case of failing but it doesn't matter now. The fact is a marriage that we swore an oath to God to protect is now ended. You see, we all carry baggage into our relationships and we tend to view everything about that relationship through the opaqueness of the garbage we carry. We can become almost myopic in the way we view relationships if we allow ourselves the luxury of being a judge of the other. However, being a judge requires us to judge ourselves through God's lens as well so that we are no longer being hypocritical. We have to stand on common ground before anything can ever be resolved.

I am still not advocating staying with your angry and childish Narcissist. You can try a trial separation and get counseling but the only way the counseling will work is if the other party is willing to humble themselves to work it through and admit their wrong-doing as well. It takes two to make a marriage work but it only takes one to destroy it. You could have the patience of Job and love of Jesus in your heart and still lose a marriage, especially if you are dealing with a myopic Narcissist who will only see themselves as being the only good thing in the marriage. The other way you can lose a marriage is by lying to yourself and blaming the other person for everything that is wrong within that marriage. You can refuse to put yourself on level ground and have an honest dialogue. People, the one impossible situation is that you cannot save a marriage with a narcissistic individual bent on making your life miserable just so they feel better about themselves, but you can save a marriage if you are both willing to start with the premise that we are both BROKEN and in need of God's help to make a relationship workable.

Now to those of you who have a marriage that is coming apart not because of narcissistic tendencies, but because we battle the enemy of our soul on three fronts, the world, the flesh and the devil then I would say there can be hope for a better marriage. It takes two words to make this union that is separating really work, that is realizing that we are both "BROKEN TOGETHER." Admitting we are all broken vessels because of traumatic events or frequent bad dialogue spoken unwisely to us in our past. You see by putting ourselves on equal ground there is room for dialogue...but we have to stay honest in that dialogue and our view of ourselves. I suggest you read these words and listen to this song to see how honestly you view your own failures to work through the problems of your marriage and then humbly as God to show you how to put it all back together. You may not save your marriage but you will understand just WHO you really trust when everything goes awry. I am hopeful that those of you, and me in particular, can be open to honest dialogue to see the wholeness that comes from a life poured out for your spouse and your spouse returning that openness in the same manner. 

Do we honestly want to get well emotionally, spiritually, and have our relationships be all they can be? Find common ground and be honest with ourselves by realizing that we are BROKEN TOGETHER. God will give us more than we can bear...that is the truth! No where in the Bible do find the words that God will NOT give us more than we can bear...why? Because it is then that we really reach out and say to our God I can't do this alone. He will come alongside and help us with the most difficult things in life if we open ourselves to admitting we are broken and we have reached the end of our rope.

What do you think about when you look at me
I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

It's gonna take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we won't give up the fight

It's gonna take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

Hear it here:

https://youtu.be/ZAAvPDgKf30

See you next blog,

Ted