ONE AFTERNOON towards the end of March, 200 mourners slowly trekked under a bright blue sky to the plot where 20-year-old Army Pfc. Michael Anthony Arciola was about to become the 123rd soldier killed during Operation Iraqi Freedom laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery. Arciola, a recipient of both the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star, was shot and killed on patrol in Al Ramadi on February 15. The larger than usual crowd was no surprise. The young man had been so well loved in his hometown of Elmsford, New York, that more than a thousand people came to his memorial service there. Dying young carries with it an implicit sense of tragedy that draws people -- emotionally and physically -- to it.
Nevertheless, Pfc. Arciola was not the only one laid to rest that Friday at Arlington. Sixteen other servicemen, most of them veterans many years older than Arciola, were likewise buried. An average week at Arlington will see between 80 and 100 burials on its 612 acres, and the final week of March was within that margin. Arciola's funeral was the largest the cemetery had held in a few weeks. Others attracted dozens, few or none to mourn their passing. Yes, a smattering had no friends or loved ones in attendance at all. When TAPS was sounded there were some who had none to salute their bravery. TAPS rang a hollow sound to the heavens crying out a plea to God to honor our lonely fallen.
As in most matters, however, the military prefers to focus on cohesion rather than dissension; on the ties that bind rather than the walls that separate. This is as true of funerals as it is of boot camp. Most people are aware of one aspect of this, the Honor Guard. But there is another unifying element, much less publicized than the 21-gun salute, but just as important in both a practical and symbolic sense. It comes in the form of a conservatively dressed woman who -- whether amongst a throng of mourners, seated alongside the family, or standing as the sole attendee -- is there to help shepherd the fallen soldier during his final mile.
These volunteer women are known as "The Arlington Ladies." They attend every funeral at Arlington to ensure, first and foremost, that no soldier is ever buried with no one in attendance, and second, to serve the needs of family members, whether they are present at the funeral or not.
Normally it isn't difficult to get someone to go on record about a noble pursuit. The first reaction to the prospect of a laudatory article is rarely reticence. But this group of no-nonsense women did not jump at the chance to talk about themselves. In fact, they were surprisingly difficult to track down at all. This is probably at least partially because the vast majority of Arlington Ladies are either retired servicewomen themselves or from military families, a culture not given to bragging.
"They don't seek publicity," Army Major Kevin Stroop, a regimental chaplain who performs funerals at Arlington, said. "What they do here is absolutely vital to our mission, but those moments they share with the families and our servicemen and women are intensely personal. The Arlington Ladies, as a group, really are committed to keeping those moments and their work sacred."
When I finally get Linda Willey, wife of a retired Air Force Colonel and a 13-year veteran of the Arlington Ladies, on the phone, she is effusive and cordial, but makes it plain she is not looking for any outside affirmation of what she does.
"We're here to pay our respects and support the families of those lost," Willey said. "We don't want a pat on the back or any gold stars. This is about something bigger than flaunting what we do for brownie points."
Interviews with other Arlington Ladies quickly make it clear that Willey's claims are not frivolous false modesty, but truth. There is, it seems, still such a thing as selfless service.
THE STORY OF THE ARLINGTON LADIES stretches back to a day in 1948 when Air Force Chief of Staff General Hoyt Vandenberg happened upon the funeral of an airman at Arlington. What he saw disturbed him: There wasn't a soul at the service, save the chaplain and the Honor Guard members conducting it. Vandenberg, the nephew of the legendary Republican Senator Arthur Vandenberg, was about as dedicated an airman as they come. After winning the Distinguished Service Medal and Silver Star for his service during and tactical planning of the Normandy invasion, Vandenberg began a dizzying series of promotions that landed him in the Air Force's top spot at the sprightly age of 49. He took pride in defending his men from the enemy and Washington bureaucrats alike. It did not sit well with him to watch a fellow airman make this final journey alone.
When he brought this black cloud of concern home, his wife Gladys worked to soothe her husband's worries by personally attending Air Force personnel burials and founding the Arlington Committee. Thus, an Arlington institution -- eventually to become known as the Arlington Ladies -- was born. The complimentary Army Arlington Ladies was founded in 1972, with the Navy following suit in 1985. The Marine Corps, true to its separate nature, does not have a contingent of Arlington Ladies, but a representative of the Commandant is at every funeral. There are now more than 160 active Arlington Ladies.
The Arlington Ladies' mission has evolved since those early days. If there are family members present, an Arlington Lady will deliver a personal note of condolence from the chief of staff's office. They also write their own note of condolence, based upon an information sheet provided by the government with dates of service, awards given, and name of next of kin, as well as any other information the chaplain can provide.
"You get pretty good at reading between lines," Willey said. "When you see what period they served in, you have a good idea of what that person may have gone through."
If family is unable to attend a funeral, an Arlington Lady will send a letter describing the service and the day, right down to the sounds and smells in the air.
Lord God, this day we honor our fallen in battle. John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."Today I honor you my brothers in arms, LT(no one ever called you by your name LOL), Vaughn, Carter, Richard, James, Pete, Thomas, Anthony, Mark, Michael D, and Holcolm. I miss you all! There is an empty space in my life that you occupied. God Speed my friends, my brothers in arms!
See you next blog,
Ted
Monday, May 28, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
What I Learned from Give me Fifty! NOW! (cont'd)
After we were herded onto the plane at the airport, the sergeant paid special attention to where I was sitting and made it point to let me know he was watching me. I nodded, smiling, and said that I recognized his God status for the next few weeks. He looked at me and said, "you don't even know the half of it, son! I have plans for your future and when it is all said and done I guess we will find out what you're made of. You won't be smiling very much longer, I promise!" He kept his word.
It was a very warm August night when the plane landed in lovely El Paso, Texas. I grew up in Texas and was very familiar with summer nights that could be oppressive, but believe me when I tell you that my mother's oven had nothing over that El Paso night. The sergeant had somehow spawned a bevy of sergeants at the troop unloading area. They were thick as flies over cow dung and all of them shouting orders. Chaos is a word that comes to mind for a new recruit listening to all of the screaming orders we heard that night. However, my favorite drill sergeant had somehow brought order out of chaos as we loaded the troop buses for our trip to the base.
Arriving at 9:00PM at night to the base, we were ordered off the buses and told to stand in straight line in front of the bus. We had a glimpse of what close-order drill was going to be like as we measured-off of our arms distance to the man next to us and then were ordered to close ranks again. This exercise we repeated several times while we were individually humiliated for our dress, our hair styles, and our overall shabby appearance. The first thing we learned was how to tell military time. I was asked what time it was, "Sir, according to my Timex watch it is 9:28PM! I said this and was very proud of the fact that I knew my watch was accurate because I had checked the time at the airport terminal.
"GAWDDAMMITT WERE YOU JUST BORN STUPID OR JUST HAVE A SUDDEN ATTACK OF IT? What did I tell you about calling me sir, you stupid maggot? What is your name?"
"Ted, sir...uh I mean Sergeant, I replied hastily. I would also like the sergeant to know I have a very well developed brain."
"JESUSCHRISTSONOFGOD, I am your drill sergeant, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU DO NOT HAVE A FIRST NAME ANYMORE PRIVATE AND I WILL TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF BRAIN YOU HAVE FROM NOW ON...DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
While I knew that the territory I stood in was fully owned by the drill instructors, I still felt it was my responsibility to correct wrong thinking. I nodded in the affirmative and told him that my mother and father would be upset to hear that. I explained that I had been up since 5:30 that morning and was just tired which is why I forgot to call him by his proper name.
"DAMMIT MAGGOT you will learn that it was zero five-thirty that you were up at. Earlier you made another BIG ONE when I asked you what time it was. It is now twenty-forty-one hours according to my Bulova watch...and I assure you I have taken way your first name for the duration of your stay at my facility. You will find that you are not even an individual anymore when I am done with you PRIVATE!"
I pointed out that at the time he asked for the time was, in fact, 9:28PM, and had he not spent the last twelve minutes chewing us out, I would have been correct. THAT DID IT! THAT WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK!
"DROP NOW AND GIVE ME TWENTY! THEY BETTER LOOK MILITARY TOO, MAGGOT!"
After giving a very almost military brace at attention I dropped and gave the required twenty push-ups. The drill sergeant placed his hand under my chest and counted off. I felt I had done a pretty proficient job but that was not his opinion. So he took a consensus and asked the assembly of new recruits if they thought I gave the proper military push-up? The answer was, of course, meant to intimidate the group into agreeing with what came next. It worked in my disfavor and I gave thirty more push-ups with a very tired and over-heated body. You could still fry an egg on that asphalt I was doing push-ups on.
"PRIVATE, I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT IN MY GOD-LIKE STATUS AS YOUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR THAT I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE. I PREDICT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A VERY HARD TIME HERE AND I PREDICT THAT TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A VERY LONG NIGHT!" Once again, he proved to be correct.
See you next blog,
Ted
It was a very warm August night when the plane landed in lovely El Paso, Texas. I grew up in Texas and was very familiar with summer nights that could be oppressive, but believe me when I tell you that my mother's oven had nothing over that El Paso night. The sergeant had somehow spawned a bevy of sergeants at the troop unloading area. They were thick as flies over cow dung and all of them shouting orders. Chaos is a word that comes to mind for a new recruit listening to all of the screaming orders we heard that night. However, my favorite drill sergeant had somehow brought order out of chaos as we loaded the troop buses for our trip to the base.
Arriving at 9:00PM at night to the base, we were ordered off the buses and told to stand in straight line in front of the bus. We had a glimpse of what close-order drill was going to be like as we measured-off of our arms distance to the man next to us and then were ordered to close ranks again. This exercise we repeated several times while we were individually humiliated for our dress, our hair styles, and our overall shabby appearance. The first thing we learned was how to tell military time. I was asked what time it was, "Sir, according to my Timex watch it is 9:28PM! I said this and was very proud of the fact that I knew my watch was accurate because I had checked the time at the airport terminal.
"GAWDDAMMITT WERE YOU JUST BORN STUPID OR JUST HAVE A SUDDEN ATTACK OF IT? What did I tell you about calling me sir, you stupid maggot? What is your name?"
"Ted, sir...uh I mean Sergeant, I replied hastily. I would also like the sergeant to know I have a very well developed brain."
"JESUSCHRISTSONOFGOD, I am your drill sergeant, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU DO NOT HAVE A FIRST NAME ANYMORE PRIVATE AND I WILL TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF BRAIN YOU HAVE FROM NOW ON...DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
While I knew that the territory I stood in was fully owned by the drill instructors, I still felt it was my responsibility to correct wrong thinking. I nodded in the affirmative and told him that my mother and father would be upset to hear that. I explained that I had been up since 5:30 that morning and was just tired which is why I forgot to call him by his proper name.
"DAMMIT MAGGOT you will learn that it was zero five-thirty that you were up at. Earlier you made another BIG ONE when I asked you what time it was. It is now twenty-forty-one hours according to my Bulova watch...and I assure you I have taken way your first name for the duration of your stay at my facility. You will find that you are not even an individual anymore when I am done with you PRIVATE!"
I pointed out that at the time he asked for the time was, in fact, 9:28PM, and had he not spent the last twelve minutes chewing us out, I would have been correct. THAT DID IT! THAT WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK!
"DROP NOW AND GIVE ME TWENTY! THEY BETTER LOOK MILITARY TOO, MAGGOT!"
After giving a very almost military brace at attention I dropped and gave the required twenty push-ups. The drill sergeant placed his hand under my chest and counted off. I felt I had done a pretty proficient job but that was not his opinion. So he took a consensus and asked the assembly of new recruits if they thought I gave the proper military push-up? The answer was, of course, meant to intimidate the group into agreeing with what came next. It worked in my disfavor and I gave thirty more push-ups with a very tired and over-heated body. You could still fry an egg on that asphalt I was doing push-ups on.
"PRIVATE, I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT IN MY GOD-LIKE STATUS AS YOUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR THAT I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE. I PREDICT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A VERY HARD TIME HERE AND I PREDICT THAT TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A VERY LONG NIGHT!" Once again, he proved to be correct.
See you next blog,
Ted
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Defining Our Relationships
For the miserably married, thinking of marriage, and soon to be married:
Defining Our Relationships
At the heart of Christianity is the doctrine of the mystical union of the believer with Christ. The New Testament does not only call us to believe in Christ, but to believe into Christ. Faith links us directly into Christ. We become in Him and He in us. This mysterious union is carried over into the relationship between Christ and the church. The church is His bride, whom He has brought into a real, profound, and powerful union.
We normally assume that the image of the church as the bride of Christ is a metaphor borrowed from the institution of human marriage. In this case, the earthly serves as the model for the heavenly. Perhaps that is the intent of Scripture. Actually the earthly estate of marriage is based on the heavenly model of the mystical union of Christ and His bride not the Godhead. Marriage is the reflection of the heavenly reality, not the basis for a heavenly image. All the more reason to examine our motives for marriage in the first place.
Ephesians 5:21-33 is explicit in what the ideal marriage would be like. Yet everyday Christian men and women have found themselves in a marriage that is not sustainable. Women become terribly abused because they did not choose wisely and find themselves and their children subject to demonic oppression in the home that is supposed to be a safe environment. Many have found they married for all the wrong reasons and therefore chose badly in a mate they bonded to. When a choosing a mate it is VERY IMPORTANT to view their entire character, not find reasons for convenience to marry just because the situation fits your loneliness or need of a family life. If the church had done it's job in teaching how to pick a mate for life(ie looking at integrity, entire character), many divorces would never had happened in the first place. It is impossible to give due honor or even submit to a fool if a fool is what you married. In fact, the Bible commands you to leave a fool and his folly. Why set yourself up for a divorce by not taking into account the full spectrum of one's character before marriage? Therefore, choose wisely whom you decide to bond with.
The perfect unity of persons existed in eternity in the nature of the Trinity itself. Though the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not “one flesh,” they are ONE being in perfect eternal harmony. In the Godhead, there is no possibility of divorce. It is a union that cannot and will not be broken. It is the eternal pattern of relationship that defines our human relationship. We share with God not only an analogy of being, but also an analogy of relationship. It is found in the mystery of a good marriage.
Ephesians 5:21-33
Once again, if you find you are indeed in an abusive relationship, physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual please go and read what Pastor Crippen has to offer those in terrible relationships. Don't be afraid to get help. The problem will only get worse!
http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/sermon-dealing-with-the-abuser-by-pastor-jeff-crippen/
More Weapons in the Abuser's Arsenal
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=810101029387
One aspect of sin is that it feeds on power and control. When things are going "well" in a relationship, the abuser's control and power are really not very evident. There even appears to be a pleasant, co-equal relationship, and the abuser hates this. He then launches his surprise attack, at least in part to remind his victim and himself that HE is in control. Sin in its very nature is malevolent.
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=126101243442
Headship, as we will see in our examination of 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5, is not something that means a wife is bound to obey her husband's every whim. The husband is to lead his wife "in the Lord," and this does not mean that a wife is obligated to take abusive behavior as her lot.
From Pastor Crippen in his book A Cry For Justice Chapter on Marriage Vows and Divorce
http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/marriage-vows-and-divorce-by-jeff-crippen-and-anna-wood/ Please READ THE WHOLE CHAPTER and SCRIPTURES!
In the case of abuse in marriage: the abuse victim is NOT the one “committing” the divorce when he or she decides the marriage contract has been rendered null and void. That has already been accomplished by the abuser who has refused to love, honor, and cherish as he vowed before God to do. The church continues, in many cases, to do great harm and injustice to abuse victims when we insist that if she files for divorce, she is actually the one who is effecting the divorce and therefore, guilty before God. All the victim is doing is suing for the court to recognize that the marriage contract has been broken. We even use that legal language – suing for divorce.
Why is it that we seem to hold credit card agreements and home mortgages in higher esteem than the marriage contract? What person in their right mind would ever enter into a contract, knowing that the other party can violate the terms to our harm, and yet there will be nothing we can do to get out of the contract?
In Christ,
Ted
See you next blog when I continue ...Give Me Fifty
Defining Our Relationships
At the heart of Christianity is the doctrine of the mystical union of the believer with Christ. The New Testament does not only call us to believe in Christ, but to believe into Christ. Faith links us directly into Christ. We become in Him and He in us. This mysterious union is carried over into the relationship between Christ and the church. The church is His bride, whom He has brought into a real, profound, and powerful union.
We normally assume that the image of the church as the bride of Christ is a metaphor borrowed from the institution of human marriage. In this case, the earthly serves as the model for the heavenly. Perhaps that is the intent of Scripture. Actually the earthly estate of marriage is based on the heavenly model of the mystical union of Christ and His bride not the Godhead. Marriage is the reflection of the heavenly reality, not the basis for a heavenly image. All the more reason to examine our motives for marriage in the first place.
Ephesians 5:21-33 is explicit in what the ideal marriage would be like. Yet everyday Christian men and women have found themselves in a marriage that is not sustainable. Women become terribly abused because they did not choose wisely and find themselves and their children subject to demonic oppression in the home that is supposed to be a safe environment. Many have found they married for all the wrong reasons and therefore chose badly in a mate they bonded to. When a choosing a mate it is VERY IMPORTANT to view their entire character, not find reasons for convenience to marry just because the situation fits your loneliness or need of a family life. If the church had done it's job in teaching how to pick a mate for life(ie looking at integrity, entire character), many divorces would never had happened in the first place. It is impossible to give due honor or even submit to a fool if a fool is what you married. In fact, the Bible commands you to leave a fool and his folly. Why set yourself up for a divorce by not taking into account the full spectrum of one's character before marriage? Therefore, choose wisely whom you decide to bond with.
The perfect unity of persons existed in eternity in the nature of the Trinity itself. Though the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not “one flesh,” they are ONE being in perfect eternal harmony. In the Godhead, there is no possibility of divorce. It is a union that cannot and will not be broken. It is the eternal pattern of relationship that defines our human relationship. We share with God not only an analogy of being, but also an analogy of relationship. It is found in the mystery of a good marriage.
Ephesians 5:21-33
Once again, if you find you are indeed in an abusive relationship, physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual please go and read what Pastor Crippen has to offer those in terrible relationships. Don't be afraid to get help. The problem will only get worse!
http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/sermon-dealing-with-the-abuser-by-pastor-jeff-crippen/
More Weapons in the Abuser's Arsenal
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=810101029387
One aspect of sin is that it feeds on power and control. When things are going "well" in a relationship, the abuser's control and power are really not very evident. There even appears to be a pleasant, co-equal relationship, and the abuser hates this. He then launches his surprise attack, at least in part to remind his victim and himself that HE is in control. Sin in its very nature is malevolent.
| Abuse and the Doctrine of Headship and Submission |
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=126101243442
Headship, as we will see in our examination of 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5, is not something that means a wife is bound to obey her husband's every whim. The husband is to lead his wife "in the Lord," and this does not mean that a wife is obligated to take abusive behavior as her lot.
From Pastor Crippen in his book A Cry For Justice Chapter on Marriage Vows and Divorce
http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/marriage-vows-and-divorce-by-jeff-crippen-and-anna-wood/ Please READ THE WHOLE CHAPTER and SCRIPTURES!
In the case of abuse in marriage: the abuse victim is NOT the one “committing” the divorce when he or she decides the marriage contract has been rendered null and void. That has already been accomplished by the abuser who has refused to love, honor, and cherish as he vowed before God to do. The church continues, in many cases, to do great harm and injustice to abuse victims when we insist that if she files for divorce, she is actually the one who is effecting the divorce and therefore, guilty before God. All the victim is doing is suing for the court to recognize that the marriage contract has been broken. We even use that legal language – suing for divorce.
Why is it that we seem to hold credit card agreements and home mortgages in higher esteem than the marriage contract? What person in their right mind would ever enter into a contract, knowing that the other party can violate the terms to our harm, and yet there will be nothing we can do to get out of the contract?
In Christ,
Ted
See you next blog when I continue ...Give Me Fifty
Saturday, May 5, 2012
What I Learned from Give me Fifty! NOW!
A very close friend of mine asked me to tell her something funny about myself. I haven't been feeling very "FUN" lately but that is another story someday. In fact, as important as the subject is that I have been covering I could not help but think of some of my antics the first two weeks of army life in 1969.
To say that I grew up with a "mouth" on me is akin to calling the 100,000 ton carrier USS Ronald Reagan a boat.. I conditioned myself to have the last word on just about everything authoritarian even though I knew there would be "hell to pay." Rarely was it a retort the receiver wanted to hear witty, funny or not. I was tall but skinny as a rail fence. In fact, my grandmother used to tell me I was so skinny that I had to run around in the shower to get wet! I grew up under a tall, large-boned dictator-type father. His WORD WAS THE HOLY GRAIL and not to be questioned; at least not by mere mortals like me. However, no matter how an order was given by him it was meant to be his way or the highway. I took these opportunities to reject the status quo and offer some retort to demonstrate my disdain. To combat my fear of him and his domination of everything around him I developed quite a mouth to show contempt of his governance. Sometimes it paid to stand my ground other times not so well as the consequences could be painful.
This story begins when it came time to leave my "happy home" and start out on my own adventure. I had a summer break-up with my high school girlfriend much to the delight of her brother. When she and I decided we had caused each other enough pain we reconciled. This was considered a challenge to him to thwart the romance and point me to the horizon of my future. Robert was trouble looking for a place to happen. Anyway, to make a long story short, he convinced me and some buddies to join the army with him. I had no idea when we took the armed forces testing that he had already flunked it twice...yep, bait like a fish on a hook! Vietnam was really heating up. I really had nothing to lose by joining though. My draft number was low so joining at least let me fill out the "Armed Forces Dream Sheet" and pick my MOS. I chose the Army as my choice of service since Freeman men have served for decades in defending their country. I decided if I had to go, I was at least going to get the most and best training the US Army had to offer. I wasn't about to get killed because of my own stupidity. The enemy was going to have to work for it if they were intent on taking my life.
At the army induction center I took the oath along with all of the others and felt my skinny chest swell at least another 1/2 inch. However, in spite of my new found patriotism, my mouth came with me. Before getting on the bus I found a drill sergeant that I took a particular dislike to and decided I was going to make him regret his authority over me (fools rush in where angels fear to tread). He herded us onto the bus like cattle, barking like a mad dog the entire time. I sat in the front seat beside the driver and he entered the bus. Closing the door behind him and turning to sit on his throne on the front seat he found a raw recruit had dared to occupy the exalted place.
"You are occupying my seat...move it!" he barked motioning me to the back as if he had a wand.
"There is plenty of room for both of us," I said as I moved closer to the window.
"I'm gonna tell you one more time...get the hell outta my seat and get to the back where I don't have to see your ugly face!" he screamed.
I grinned and that was my first mistake as I had no intention of letting him have his way. He pulled me outta the seat and told the bus driver to stop on Main Street at a curb. He pushed me out the door and told me to drop. I assumed the position of one caught in a bank robbery with my hands behind my head and spread eagle. It was all his fault for not being more explicit as to what he clearly wanted, I told myself.
Fuming at my ignorance he yelled out. "Give me fifty right NOW!"
I asked him, "Fifty what?"
"Fifty push-ups Gawddammit, and they better look like push-ups or we will be here all damn day long just for you Sunshine!"
I gave fifty half-hearted push-ups and faked a collapse into a heap on the ground. Much applause greeted my return to the bus. The drill sergeant screamed for silence or all of them would be doing push-ups all night long.
Glaring at me, "Oh, a wise guy! I've got plans for you Sunshine," giving me a toothy grin.
I said, "Whatever you say sergeant."
"That's DRILL SERGEANT to you!" he screamed out.
"Yes, sir! Sir!"
"Don't call me sir, MAGGOT! I work for a living. Now git your sorry ass to the back of the bus!"
I said nothing but looked for another seat, feeling quite confident that I had won that contest of wills. Little did I know what sadistic pleasure that night would hold for my new-found adversary...
to be continued
See you next blog,
Ted
"You are occupying my seat...move it!" he barked motioning me to the back as if he had a wand.
"There is plenty of room for both of us," I said as I moved closer to the window.
"I'm gonna tell you one more time...get the hell outta my seat and get to the back where I don't have to see your ugly face!" he screamed.
I grinned and that was my first mistake as I had no intention of letting him have his way. He pulled me outta the seat and told the bus driver to stop on Main Street at a curb. He pushed me out the door and told me to drop. I assumed the position of one caught in a bank robbery with my hands behind my head and spread eagle. It was all his fault for not being more explicit as to what he clearly wanted, I told myself.
Fuming at my ignorance he yelled out. "Give me fifty right NOW!"
I asked him, "Fifty what?"
"Fifty push-ups Gawddammit, and they better look like push-ups or we will be here all damn day long just for you Sunshine!"
I gave fifty half-hearted push-ups and faked a collapse into a heap on the ground. Much applause greeted my return to the bus. The drill sergeant screamed for silence or all of them would be doing push-ups all night long.
Glaring at me, "Oh, a wise guy! I've got plans for you Sunshine," giving me a toothy grin.
I said, "Whatever you say sergeant."
"That's DRILL SERGEANT to you!" he screamed out.
"Yes, sir! Sir!"
"Don't call me sir, MAGGOT! I work for a living. Now git your sorry ass to the back of the bus!"
I said nothing but looked for another seat, feeling quite confident that I had won that contest of wills. Little did I know what sadistic pleasure that night would hold for my new-found adversary...
to be continued
See you next blog,
Ted
Monday, April 30, 2012
WHY DOESN"T SHE LEAVE? When Fear Holds You Hostage To Your ABUSER
WHY DOESN'T SHE LEAVE-THOSE WHO ARE AWARE OF THE ABUSIVE SPOUSE'S BEHAVIOR WONDER? WHAT IS HOLDING HER CAPTIVE?
SIMPLE ANSWER: FEAR!
2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) ~ For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
The fear of a child going astray because of divorce from their ABUSER,
The fear of failing in marriage THEY SWORE A COVENANT TO,
The fear of being killed by their ABUSER,
The fear of losing a loved one because they went against the church's teaching,
The fear of displeasing God because you were taught He will punish you for leaving,
The fear of an uncertain future without their dependency on their ABUSER,
The fear of being in lack because the ABUSER controls ALL the money,
The fear of what the ABUSER will do in court to attempt take their children or make the divorce very difficult,
THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE, OSTRACIZED BY FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND CHURCH.
This is a hard-hitting text which deals with the “hot potato” subject of fear. Fear has to do with punishment, yet in Christ Jesus you find no condemnation nor rejection, but love and acceptance.
The Christian woman may feel she is trapped in a harmful relationship. Things are changing quickly in denominational churches today as it is now commonly known that ABUSE is extremely dangerous to mental, emotional, spiritual and/or physical health! Biblical and Non-biblical counselors are being trained in the dangers of ABUSE to the victims and responding with HELP!
WHO AM I IN CHRIST? WHERE DO I STAND WITH GOD?
Read Romans 8:1-4
8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death.3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:28-39
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified;those he justified, he also glorified.
More Than Conquerors
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died —more than that, who was raised to life —is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Read Ephesians1:1-14
1 Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To God’s holy people in Ephesus,[a] the faithful in Christ Jesus:
2 Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Praise for Spiritual Blessings in Christ
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he[b]predestined us for adoption to sonship[c] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, 9 he[d] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment —to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
11 In him we were also chosen,[e] having been predestinedaccording to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.
Don't be afraid to leave the things behind that hinder your walk with God and your teaching of faith to your children by living your own life out for God. God entitles each of us to be able to walk before Him without someone making us doubt ourselves. Your ABUSER'S unrepentant sins hold you and your children captive!
GET HELP AND GET OUT!
I would like to introduce pastor Jeff Crippen, a pastor who ministers to the abused in the correct way with truthful advice:
IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN AND HAVE TROUBLE RECONCILING LEAVING-ABUSE IS A FORM OF MURDER-SEE WHY IN HIS BLOG AND AUDIOS
http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/sermon-dealing-with-the-abuser-by-pastor-jeff-crippen/
http://www.sermonaudio.com/search.asp?keyword=domestic%20violence
God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. You are given power to overcome any and all situations, love which combats fear and casts all fear away, for God’s perfect love drives out fear. And then, a sound mind, one which is focused on the promises of God, on the positive and powerful, liberating truth of God’s word, for your mind to be filled with His prevailing word which brings you His perfect peace. Your ABUSER wants you and others to think you are unstable so that you will remain under his control!
YOU MAY FIND YOU HAVE BECOME DEPENDENT UPON YOUR ABUSER IF YOU HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A LENGTHY PERIOD OF TIME:
Read again Out Of The Fog Subject: Dependent Personality Disorder
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/DPD.html
Read again my prior blogs on this subject. In every case the ABUSER wants you to think YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. They will do anything to make you believe YOU ARE THE UNSTABLE ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIP!
His power, His love and His soundness of mind will bring YOU to a place where no snare of the enemy will trap you, because your mind is fully focused on His word. The Bible says in Isaiah 59:19 (KJV), “When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against him.”
SEEK HELP FROM A QUALIFIED COUNSELOR WHO RECOGNIZES PERSONALITY DISORDERS IN THE OFFENDING SPOUSE. HAVE THEM DIRECT YOU TO SOURCES OF HELP AND ESCAPE!!
See you next blog.
Ted
Monday, April 23, 2012
Getting to Know the ABUSER and How TO DEAL WITH THEM!
Abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to exert control – for instance, over one's spouse – by "annexing" her, "possessing" her, and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.
In her seminal tome, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans ( http://www.verbalabuse.com/page14/page14.html ) lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:
"Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor to include inuendo, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger."
"To these we can add:
Wounding "honesty", ignoring, smothering, dotting, unrealistic expectations, invasion of privacy, tactlessness, constant sexual manipulations and abuse, accusations of betrayal by stabbing them in the back when telling others about them, physical maltreatment, humiliating, shaming, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and discarding, unpredictable, reacting disproportionately dramatic, dehumanizing, objectifying, abusing confidence and intimate information, engineering impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse."
One of the worst kinds of abusers is the Malignant Narcissist.
There two sites I highly recommend for those currently in relationships or survivors of and NPD or Malignant Narcissist:
http://www.focusministries1.org/articles.asp
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
"For some survivors it feels like an emotional holocaust. For almost everyone it is misery, a nightmare. Pastor Jeff Crippen calls them the epitome of evil in a relationship and that thought is now growing in the Biblical Counseling community."
"A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel at times but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word "abuse" doesn't seem enough to express the torture."
"Sometimes charming, angelic at times, even demonstrating what seems on the surface as a form of loving care... and then lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it's our fault and we tolerated their abuse."
"Learn the secrets of the character-disordered, and those who share similar personalities or traits, how they suck you dry. Know that you are not alone. Neither are you crazy, though at times you may be lead to believe this by your ABUSER."
"Take back your life and your identity!"
There two sites I highly recommend for those currently in relationships or survivors of and NPD or Malignant Narcissist:
http://www.focusministries1.org/articles.asp
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
"For some survivors it feels like an emotional holocaust. For almost everyone it is misery, a nightmare. Pastor Jeff Crippen calls them the epitome of evil in a relationship and that thought is now growing in the Biblical Counseling community."
"A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel at times but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word "abuse" doesn't seem enough to express the torture."
"Sometimes charming, angelic at times, even demonstrating what seems on the surface as a form of loving care... and then lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it's our fault and we tolerated their abuse."
"Learn the secrets of the character-disordered, and those who share similar personalities or traits, how they suck you dry. Know that you are not alone. Neither are you crazy, though at times you may be lead to believe this by your ABUSER."
"Take back your life and your identity!"
They will rob you of all your hope and remind you that you are married for life. They will rob you of all your love and yet demand your love for them. They will milk all of your self-esteem, and leave you believing there is something wrong with you. They require constant sexual gratification and never seem to fill up. If you withhold sexual favors from them a tirade of name calling will follow and even violence at times.
Gary Walters, in his book, Out Of The Fog says this:
"The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he will usually control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her actions and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or at least taping conversations.
"The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he will usually control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her actions and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or at least taping conversations.
"He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality."
"He is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members. He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy. He typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse sex. Pornography is usually employed to heighten his sexual stimulation. Rough sex and fantasizing are using par for the course when engaging in sexual relations with the abused. He is the king of his castle and usually believes that housework and childcare should be done for him. Any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference-usually sexual gratification. He is highly demanding."
"He is disrespectful; he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object. He communicates his sense of superiority around the house in various ways. He is often critical of others and feels that he is superior in every way to those with whom he must interact."
"The unifying principle is his attitude of ownership. The batterer believes that once you are in a committed relationship with him, you belong to him. This possessiveness in batterers is the reason why killings of battered women so commonly happen when victims are attempting to leave the relationship; a batterer does not believe that his partner has the right to end a relationship until he is ready to end it."
"Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple "abuse each other" and that the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful."
"It seems that CONTROL is their biggest need and do not always employ VIOLENCE but they will if VIOLENCE is needed to regain control."
How to deal with the Malignant Narcissist:
"First recognize that you may have become co-dependent and been his enabler by hiding his abusive behavior!"
http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html
"First recognize that you may have become co-dependent and been his enabler by hiding his abusive behavior!"
http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html
"This takes real courage because what is required is to no longer show adoration or fear of this ABUSER. While you will never win an argument with this abuser, as they will continually remind you that you are to blame, removing your attention from him will send him reeling into depression and despondency. The time to leave is before he can recover his capability to manipulate and form alliances against you within the family."
"They will attempt to form alliances within the family to bolster their position and often use the children against each other and the abused spouse. Informing your family and friends of the abuse is imperative. You cannot enable this type of abuser by covering up his or her terrible behavior. Exposing this ABUSER will have consequences but at least it will be out in the open. They can be very charming when they have to and do not suffer bouts of conscience! They mimic love and employ various tactics to obtain what they want."
"They are always playing a chess game with people's lives to get them to WORSHIP or ADMIRE THEM! You cannot allow them personal or sexual gratification, as this feeds their EGO NEEDS! LEAVE THEM TO THEIR OWN PRIVATE HELL OR THEY WILL DRAG YOU DOWN WITH THEM! GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU HAVE PARTNERED YOURSELF WITH AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!"
"There are a few psychiatrist who believe, that while there is no real cure for the Malignant Narcissist, they can be treated over a long period of time to at least become self-aware of their problem. However the co-dependent spouse is not advised to stay with the ABUSER while undergoing treatment. In fact most Malignant Narcissist do not remain in treatment as they are incapable of seeing themselves as the problem, therefore the "cure ratio" is very low!"
If you are currently in a court battle with your abuser this may be of some assistance:
http://www.abusedswan.com/DeannaKloostra.html
http://www.verbalabuse.com/
See you next blog,
Ted
If you are currently in a court battle with your abuser this may be of some assistance:
http://www.abusedswan.com/DeannaKloostra.html
http://www.verbalabuse.com/
See you next blog,
Ted
Sunday, April 22, 2012
ABUSE: It's About Power and Control
That's right! If you are married to an ABUSER, that man you married for better or for worse, to love, honor, and obey wants to control your life! In fact, it consumes his thoughts every day! You can bet the ABUSER will hold you to your marriage vows in spite of the fact he has broken the "sacred" covenant with you multiple times. I bet you never thought anyone could be so single-minded about power and control. Normal people realize that total control of our environment is an illusion. The ABUSER lives for control of their whole environment!
At some point, violence will occur or has occurred, but that does not mean the ABUSER will pummel you constantly although there are marriages like that. It usually happens when he feels he has lost complete control of a situation. The chart below illustrates the cycle of Abuse and Violence. Using any or all of these are ABUSE!!! Usually an ABUSER will try to get some small gesture like apologies or sexual advances to test your resolve before moving on to their next tactic to gain control. Do you see yourself in this endless misery? GET OUT! Every counselor worth their credentials will tell you the same thing!
At some point, violence will occur or has occurred, but that does not mean the ABUSER will pummel you constantly although there are marriages like that. It usually happens when he feels he has lost complete control of a situation. The chart below illustrates the cycle of Abuse and Violence. Using any or all of these are ABUSE!!! Usually an ABUSER will try to get some small gesture like apologies or sexual advances to test your resolve before moving on to their next tactic to gain control. Do you see yourself in this endless misery? GET OUT! Every counselor worth their credentials will tell you the same thing!
Sandra Scott, In her book, Charmers & Con Artists &Their Flip Side summarizes the charmer and con artist this way:
“A healthy person seeks to be good. A Charmer seeks to be perceived as good because he desperately needs to believe he is a good guy, because he fears he isn’t.
A con artist seeks to be perceived as good a good guy in order to get what he wants.”
Her warning should be taken seriously: “The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money. The Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity, your self -esteem, your very soul. The con artist robs and leaves you sadder but wiser. The Charmer rapes your spirit and drags you with him into his own personal hell.”
Her warning should be taken seriously: “The con artist can rob you of your time, energy and money. The Charmer can rob you of your youth, your integrity, your self -esteem, your very soul. The con artist robs and leaves you sadder but wiser. The Charmer rapes your spirit and drags you with him into his own personal hell.”
In her book, Charmers & Con Artists &Their Flip Side, author Sandra Scott
identifies the following characteristics:
Charmers . . .
are often described as “the nicest
guy you could ever know,” but in
relationships they are very
controlling, self-serving, and
irresponsible
seldom agree to therapy. They
don’t see a problem with themselves
so why should they change? If they
go to therapy, they try to charm the
therapist.
look good on the outside, but an
ulterior motive lurks on the inside
see themselves as victims rather
than those they hurt
believe they are special and entitled
to special behavior; rules that apply
to others do not apply to them
have their own brand of logic and an
excuse for everything
appear to be very giving, but there is
always a price to pay for their
attention
can apologize easily, but there is no
true repentance
don’t feel love or guilt deeply, tend
to minimize the pain of those they
have hurt
discredit their accusers when they
are confronted
cope by making themselves the hero
in the worst situations
are very clever, and often able to
keep from being caught
have extreme shifts in personality,
may be kind and sarcastic in the
same instant
are very needy, and blame others for
not being able to meet their needs
appear to be very sensitive to others,
and use their sense of humor to
make others laugh or feel good
shift attention off themselves onto
others to keep from being found
out
depend on lies and deception to
maintain a good image
need power and control to bolster
their low self-esteem and very
fragile ego
have a distorted sense of shame,
and feel no embarrassment in
doing whatever is necessary to get
their needs satisfied
are Narcissistic, and need to believe
they are superior to others! Look up
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
are intimidated by intelligent,
perceptive women
live in constant fear of discovery
find and use those who will
appreciate and adore them
rationalize their behavior with no
remorse for the pain they cause
are one frustration away from
violence
will not change as long as life
works for them and there are no
consequences to face
are the center of their world and
need constant praise and adoration
from others
know how to win the confidence of
others, and use personal
information against them later to
make themselves feel better or
superior
view their own thoughts and words
as ultimate truth
use kindness as a smoke screen to
solicit silence or lack of
confrontation of their actions
are master manipulators who zero
in on others’ point of weakness
lay heavy guilt trips on anyone
who confronts their bad behavior
twist the truth, lie, distract, accuse
and use irrational and irrelevant
arguments if confronted
lack healthy shame
mess with your mind to make
themselves look normal—twist,
distort, and tarnish your reputation
know how to play the courtroom
game and come across more credible
than their victims
Con Artists . . .
are motivated by greed for material
gain
choose those to whom they show
genuine love and affection, with the
capability of killing a stranger or
enemy without regret
have a selective conscience with their
own code of ethics
know right from wrong, but choose to
do wrong to get what they want
seek trusting or naïve people to con
often back off or move on to con
someone else when they don’t get
what they want
will resort to violence when they
cannot escape
make the conscious choice to do evil
don’t mind hurting others as long as
they get what they want
Next blog we will talk about dealing with the abuser and COURAGE!!!
See you next blog,
Ted
See you next blog,
Ted
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)