Where Does the Power of the Narcissist Lie?

I have talked to many Christian women who have had to deal with Narcissistic boyfriends and husbands. One thing stands out:  Even though they realize they are dealing with someone who truly never loved them, and used them to get whatever he/she wanted at their expense, it still seems to yield them powerless to change the situation. Many who should have divorced never did and have lived miserable lives, filled with regret, but seemingly powerless to do anything about it. Many who have the same type of boyfriend find out after they are married just how miserable life can be with a Narcissist. Some can be very charming in the beginning and able to cover the chink in their armor. So where does the Narcissist get all his/her power from?

REMEMBER THIS: 
It is always all about them and how they feel, what their needs are, and how you disappoint or hurt them. They cannot accept their imperfections as they are only concerned with yours! They cannot deal with their sins...it is always somebody else's fault! No matter what your concerns or hurts are, theirs are much worse. If you have cold they are dealing with pneumonia. They always feel sorry for themselves. Your wants, needs, and wishes don't matter, you are simply a means to an end until they no longer need you and find new supply to feed on. However if you let them they will suck your soul dry until you wish you were dead!!!

Pastor David Orrison puts it beautifully in perspective:

Perhaps more than others, narcissists understand the value of power. If you have no power, others can hurt you. The power of others over them is, in many cases, the factor that moved them to protect themselves by narcissistic behavior. And narcissistic behavior is all about power.

Think of the things that make a person feel powerful. Knowing a secret, holding a higher position, greater physical strength, greater influence, a higher intelligence, etc. These are all things toward which narcissists strive. For the narcissist, it isn’t about being strong, but about being stronger. It isn’t about looking good, it is about looking better. The power position is the one the narcissist wants. The Narcissist caters to his needs and wants above others always!

This is why the narcissist chafes under authority—and exactly why authority is so important in the life of a narcissist. It is why the narcissist hates your boundaries—and why your boundaries are so important. It is why the narcissist fears truly coming into relationship with God so they pretend and give general lip-service rather than succumb to the power of God to change their lives. 

First, children of narcissists often find themselves going from one narcissistic relationship to another in their adult lives. They have never learned that life can have power. They simply adapt to whatever new oppressor comes along. This is why learning and implementing boundaries is so vital. They often pick jobs and stay in jobs where they can rarely be their own person. They kowtow to oppressive schedules and demands and say there is nothing they can do about it. The relationship, whether job or personal, owns them.

Second, narcissists can be controlled. They fear power. They may hate it, but they will yield to it. The husband who speaks disparagingly about the police when he speeds down the road will be amazingly docile when the patrolman is standing at his car door. The serial killer, when finally caught, gives up peacefully and becomes a model prisoner. Many victims of narcissists have noted how their narcissist completely reverses his attitude and behavior at certain times. Often this is because he recognizes a greater power. They cower at what seems to be the greater authority than what they possess. 

Third, as long as the narcissist has power over someone, he is getting his supply. He needs to be superior. When he feels powerless, he becomes afraid and vulnerable. He may recede into depression as a way of hiding. He or she feels that their life is doomed to dread because no one cares about their needs or wishes.

The Christian in a narcissistic relationship should pray for brokenness in their Narcissistic spouse. We have talked about that before. The Narcissist may need to come to the end of his/her resources in order to begin to understand that there is Someone who loves him, but they must bow in obeisance to Him. Be prepared to go for a WILD ride, because the ability of the narcissist to deny and manipulate is amazing.  

One more thing: the narcissist is already a small, fearful, broken person hiding behind a MONSTER he uses to keep people away from the real him or her and control them. He has created this “alter-ego,” and it may be the only thing you know about him. It is this “Mr. Hyde” that needs to be broken though rarely accomplished. And if the screen falls, the great “Wizard of Oz” is shown to be an ordinary little man.

You may not be able to knock the screen down to reveal the truth. You might be too weak or too compromised. But God can do it. Pray for that. However, God can also give you release when your Narcissist becomes too oppressive. Nowhere in scripture does God tell you that you must obey a Narcissist. When finally you may realize that your needs are never going to matter to the Narcissist and leave, remember that there is a Higher Power than the Narcissist that haunts you. God can give you strength to live your life freely in Him.

Pastor David's blog:
https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/about/

See you next blog,
Ted

Then Comes The Awakening

Today I got up real early. I got coffee at Starbucks and a blueberry muffin at the store. I haven't had one of those in a long time and I took it to a park to savor it while I watched the ducks. The sun was beautiful after a night's rain and the smell in the air was just refreshing. I had a lot on my mind and I was looking for a time of prayer and quite...well God had other ideas...

After I arrived I saw a young woman with her children in the play area but she was just sitting on a swing with her head down. The kids were telling mommy to feel better. When she came over to the pavilion with the kids I noticed her left cheek was really red and the beginning of a black eye. She had a distant faraway look about her. I told her it looked like she tied into a tiger and it wouldn't let go. Embarrassed, she looked at me and laughed and then tears welled up in her eyes. I asked her if I could help I told that I used to be a family counselor and pastor. She said no one could help her.

I found out her name was Shelley and her husband's name was Jeff. Her little boy was Johnny and I don't remember the little girl's name, but she was very bright. She told me that mommy and daddy got into a fight and daddy was bad. Shelley told me more and said it was getting to be a regular occurrence.  He was successful in his job, but she didn't measure up to the kind of wife he wanted. She said she wasn't sexy enough or pretty enough. He said she dressed like a hag. He said she was always too tired to give him anything that showed he was wanted and loved, so he would berate her and sometimes hit, slap, or pinch her. By the way, sans the black eye and red cheek, she was very pretty. Raven black hair and blue eyes that would melt a man's heart. She wore no make-up this morning and still she looked so pretty and frail. She was chunky but not overly so. The kids were good-looking so I assumed Jeff must be also. What would cause a young, successful, man to treat his wife this way? She said he never saw a mirror he didn't like. She said he always bragged on his accomplishments and made her feel stupid. He was always gone with his friends and would come back late a night wanting sex and then again in the morning. If she didn't want to perform he would berate her or just "take her." She had no family here and she couldn't have friends because he would always dis anyone she liked as a friend. She didn't go to church so there was no spiritual encouragement.

I told her she needed to talk to the police and see a Family Counselor. She was afraid, but I convinced her that it was never too late to make sure Jeff got the message...DON'T TOUCH unless it's out of love. She hesitated and cried some more, but she said she couldn't live like this. She saw her parents' lives and their miserable marriage. She relented and called the police. The officer was very thorough and I would bet Jeff spends the night in jail. I told her to fill out a restraining order today and make sure a deputy helps him move his stuff out. The officer told her he would help her with all that. I shook her hand gently and told her I would pray for her.

Too many women take abuse over and over, verbally and physically! Sure, your man says he's sorry when it goes too far, he may even cry...BUT it keeps happening! You are not a rug or a doormat. You are a woman, loved by God and deserving of all the things God desires for a woman to enjoy. You don't have to be a "knock-out" to be beautiful. Beauty is something inside of you that shines through when you allow it to happen when you are nourished by the love around you.

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out—ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.


So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:


How you should look and how much you should weigh … What you should wear and where you should shop. Where you should live or what type of car you should drive … Who you should sleep with and how you should behave. Who you should marry and why you should stay… The importance of having children or even what you owe your family!

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with because instead of being borne of God's word Himself they were rules misread, misapplied, and laid down by haughty, hateful men who just wanted you to live life in subjection and fear. 


You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK… they’re entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10.” Or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.


And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive” and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” & “contributing” rather than “obtaining” & “accumulating.”

And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with: things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about—a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.


And then you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships-including the HATER you married. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say “I was wrong” and to forgive people for their own human frailties-not for unrepentant abuses. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside when you know you are being treated wrongly. You learn that certain feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK for you and that it is your right to want or expect certain things just as long as you are fair about it. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and realize that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO when it needs to be applied. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, you offer proper training of the gospel if you are a believer, but it’s not your job to save the world(or your family) leave that to the Almighty) and you realize that sometimes you just need to let go and let God do this thing!

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong for someone to demand that someone live their life, sacrifice your dreams just to serve their needs, ease their insecurities, or meet “their” unfair standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.” Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self-Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals, and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to remove and avoid TOXIC people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God… but merely a random act of fate that you have a choice to act on.

And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY… the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can without all the draining influence of those who have kept you down. More importantly learn to trust the word of God more and more. He designed you for Him...just read Psalm 139 for yourself.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my “God” to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to make the hard choices, to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this: “You are an expression of the Almighty. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ as Savior,  The Holy Spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. It's terribly hard to leave someone you care about but genuinely cannot help or be with safely. Open your heart, pray, and trust the Holy Spirit to heal and empower you.” My “God” has never failed me. Child of God he won't fail you!
See you next blog,
Ted 

The Importance of Learning to Focus Our Lives

The last twenty months I have been asked several times by people responding to this blog, who have just worn themselves to frazzle, a nagging question. Their question comes down to this: "Why does life have to be so hard?" I see myself and others making really stupid decisions or no decisions and just accepting whatever comes from a lack of choosing wisely which way to go to find real joy in life. As I just said,  I have also been a victim of not choosing wisely and settling for less than God's best! I know what they are going through. We all do it! Are we victims? No, simply because we choose our life's direction based on various factors. We all, at some point in time, just decide to go with the flow rather than stand up and do what is right. We have enemies as believers, the world and it's influence, our own fleshly desires, and satan himself will place any obstacle he can to keep us preoccupied with bad decisions to set our lives on a path that glorifies God and gives us joy.

I was looking at Dr. Charles Stanley's Life Principle 13 this morning:

LIFE PRINCIPLE 13: LISTENING TO GOD — WALKING WITH GOD
One of the most important lessons we can learn is how to listen to God. In our complex and hectic lives, nothing is more urgent, nothing more necessary, and nothing more rewarding than hearing what God has to say to us.
By Charles F. Stanley
http://www.intouch.org/read/life-principle-13-listening-to-god-walking-with-god
An excerpt I picked up on was this:
This may be one of the most important concepts you will grasp in learning how to listen to God. When the Lord speaks, He is speaking to you. The Word of God contains His truth; therefore, take it personally. Allow His Holy Spirit to open your heart so you will have a deeper understanding of Scripture. When you do, you can begin to claim His promises for your life. You also will gain a deeper understanding of His provision, care, and love.

God is serious about His relationship with you. He speaks for your benefit, and it is important for you to listen to Him and respond in obedience. Sometimes He will challenge you to change your thinking or to release certain unhealthy feelings and opinions.Yet with every instruction He gives, you can be certain it is for your good. He desires to encourage and mature you so that you might live with greater joy and strength. He also wants to transform you into the likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ—helping you to become the very best you can be.

We, as believers, must learn how to talk and listen to God in order to do the next step!

The Importance of Learning to Focus Our Lives

Listening to God was not the main topic I wanted write about, but it is imperative that we learn how to talk and listen to God in order to focus our lives down a path that is pleasing to God and does not wear us ragged in the process. Several places in the Old Testament we are told by God these words:

Joshua 24:14-15 14 “Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord.15 And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Joel 3:14 Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision! For the day of the LORD is near in the valley of decision.

In the New Testament we hear the words "work out salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12)

In Philippians 2:12-13, Paul writes, “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed – not only in my presence but now much more in my absence – continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his purpose.”

This text is often misused to instill fear into people, warning them that it means that they can lose salvation. What does it mean to work out our salvation with fear and trembling? Paul can hardly be encouraging believers to live in a continuous condition of nervousness and anxiety. That would contradict his many other exhortations to peace of mind, courage, and confidence in the God who authors our salvation. The Greek word translated "fear" in this context can equally mean "reverence" or "respect." Paul uses the same phrase in (2 Corinthians 7:15) where he refers to Titus as being encouraged by the Corinthians’ reception of him “with fear and trembling,” that is, with great humility and respect for his position as a minister of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul himself came to the Corinthian church in “weakness and fear, and with much trembling” (1 Corinthians 2:3), mindful of the great and awesome nature of the work in which he was engaged.

The sense in which we are to work out our salvation in fear and trembling is twofold. First, the Greek verb rendered “work out” means "to continually work to bring something to completion or fruition." We do this by actively pursuing obedience in the process of sanctification, which Paul explains further in the next chapter of Philippians. He describes himself as “straining” and “pressing on” toward the goal of Christlikeness (Philippians 3:13-14). The “trembling” he experiences is the attitude Christians are to have in pursuing this goal—a healthy fear of offending God through disobedience and an awe and respect for His majesty and holiness. "Trembling" can also refer to a shaking due to weakness, but this is a weakness of higher purpose, one which brings us to a state of dependency on God. Obedience and submission to the God we revere and respect is our “reasonable service” (Romans 12:1-2) and brings great joy. Psalm 2:11 sums it up perfectly: “Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.” We work out our salvation by going to the very source of our salvation—the Word of God—wherein we renew our hearts and minds (Romans 12:1-2), coming into His presence with a spirit of reverence and awe.

Acts 16:31 Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved, and thy house."

What do all of these have unrelated scriptures have in common? They involve the active work of CHOOSING!


Our lives can run Helter Skelter unless we learn how to focus on a goal in life. The goal must be God-centered in order to bring fruitfulness and satisfaction to the believer. There can only be one major goal, but each major goal must have steps or goals in order to achieve the main focus of our lives. This isn't rocket science, but it does involve being very honest with yourself and realizing that your life is scattered all over the place. Even an indecision is a bad decision because then we open up the door to chaos in our lives. God built within us the ability to choose and then gave us instruction on how to use this ability to choose to bring about wisdom. Unfortunately, none of us practice this all the time and so we bring trouble and frustration into our lives and lose sight of the main goal! If you are busy putting out all the small forest fires in your life rather than choosing wisely along the way you have already lost the battle...BUT NOT THE WAR!

By the way, did I mention the fact that lack of focus will cause you to lose not only site of the goal, but will bring physical and mental stress, even to the point of death! Yep! It's that serious!

Okay! How do we get to the place where we can find focus?

ONE: Realize your life is in chaos-even controlled chaos is stressful! If you are suffering from stress you have been doing it wrong! So decide what is your main goal and then get honest with how you got to the point where you were pulled in so many directions.

TWO: When that realization is honest, make a list of all the things that distract your attention from acheiving where you want to be. WARNING! Be deadly honest with yourself on how you got to the place of stress that leads to chaos. This can and does include bad decisions you made along the way. Everything in our life affects the outcome of our life, but mistakes don't have to mean ultimate FAILURE. We can at any point in life evaluate our failures and choose to go a different direction in order to bring about a successful walk with God. You've heard the expression, "it ain't over until the fat lady sings." At the close of the opera usually some really large person enters the stage and sings the finale. Well as long as there is breath in your lungs, there is life! As long as their life, there is hope for change. But you must take an active role in bringing about that change. God won't for you, but He will give you the wisdom to do it!

James 1:5
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that gives to all men liberally, and upbraides not; and it shall be given him.

THREE: Go about setting each distraction in focus and do what must be done to keep that distraction to the bare minimum. It takes some brutal honesty at times to remove distractions and set things right. Do this one by one until you reach the place where you can set honest goals for yourself to get you where you really want to be. Write down what steps must be taken in order to lower the expectation of others that keep you from achieving what you need to be doing. You cannot be a people-pleaser (that includes family) and be focused on the goal of pleasing God with your life. Everyone has expectations of you that can bring failure in being who you are and where you want to be in life. Those people are not out to get you but their expectations may not be what God has in mind for you.

STEP FOUR: DECIDE TO CHANGE WHAT IS WRONG AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU! What is your ultimate goal in life? Set steps in place to acheive that goal. Remove obstacles that stop you from doing the right things and setting your life in order. REMEMBER THERE WILL ALWAYS BE DISTRACTIONS BUT KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE!

2 Timothy 4:7-8New American Standard Bible (NASB)

7. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; 8. in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.
See you next blog,
Ted

Are You Embarrassed By The Unbelievable Miracles In The Bible?

Are they unbelievable? Do you ever feel like you would have to lose touch with reality when trying to believe some of the miracles of the Bible? Are you afraid of being labeled a moron by your secular friends outside of the church you attend. I mean, you can tell your little child about the miracles and they pretty much accept what they hear because you are the adult. But what happens when you try and explain it to your older school-aged child in this age of science and intellect? Does what you believe matter? If you are a Christian, how can you possibly accept the unexplainable and help others understand that miracles that were commonplace throughout the Bible are not commonplace today...or is that true? What about the extreme sexual norms of today compared to then? Are you labeled a prude by contemporary standards today?

"Christianity needs to update and adapt its moral standards for the 21st century!"

I hear this all time and it echoes from voices 100 years ago. Back then, the calls for change had less to do with morality and more to do with miracles. But the motivation for change is similar, and the results are just as intrusive to many non-secular believers. 

I remember the "God Is Dead" movement of the 50s. Of course that movement has echoed throughout history, but the 50s stand out to me because I lived in it as a child. Then came my teen years in the "free love generation of the 60s." What rocked the early 20th century was the call of many church leaders to adapt the Christian faith to the scientific age of discovery. One could not expect thinking men and women to accept at face value all the miracles in the Bible, the thinking went. The biblical testimony of the miraculous is embarrassing to an educated mindset. Now the 21st century is upon us and more "biblical truths" are being challenged.

The Shell Game Many Christian Churches Play

In order to rescue Christianity from superstitious irrelevance, many church leaders sought to distinguish the kernel of Christianity (the fatherhood of God and the brotherhood of man) from the shell of Christianity (miracle stories that came from another cultural vantage point).One could still maintain the moral center of Christianity while disregarding the events that required suspension of disbelief.

As this adaptation spread, belief in the bodily resurrection of Jesus was reinterpreted and given a solely spiritual meaning (he is alive in the hearts of good people). Miracle stories such as Jesus’ feeding the 5,000 were given a moral twist (the true miracle is that suddenly everyone shared). 

The Virgin Birth? Well that gets rejected altogether in modern "Christian" thinking. I mean come on, a virgin giving birth. What was Mary really hiding from Joseph? I mean she was human and maybe Joseph didn't understand her needs, or maybe he did but had to appear shocked in that culture. Let's face it, Mary's son was a man by what everyone witnessed, he bled, he wept, he died...uh...He walked on water according to 12 men, er....he healed the blind and affirm...uhhhhhh hmm! He was crucified and seen by over 500 people...this requires some deep thinking. Pliny the Elder, Tacitus, many other historians wrote about Him. Hey! Could it be Jesus is who He says He is? 

Many Christians are calling for church leaders to rethink the “embarrassing” parts of Christianity, specifically, our distinctive sexual ethic. Meanwhile, churches outside the West were appalled to hear “Christians” reject the clear testimony of Scripture and what the church had always believed. In North America, the rise of the evangelical movement was due, in part, to a desire to reclaim the center of Christianity and refuse to allow contemporary sensibilities to alter the faith “once for all delivered to the saints.”

Presbyterian minister and theologian J. Gresham Machen made the case that this refashioning of Christianity was no longer Christianity at all, but a substitute religion with a Christian veneer. Of course many churches today are saying pretty much the same thing but where are the proofs of the miraculous, non-believers say.

Over time, the effort to save the kernel of Christianity and leave aside its shell had the opposite effect. The distinctiveness of Christian teaching disappeared, and the shell of church rituals was all that remained. This is why, even today in some denominations, bishops and pastors and parishioners openly reject the core tenets of the faith but continue to attend worship and go through certain rites. The denominations that followed this course have since entered a sharp and steady decline.

The Echo of The Past Is Now The Present

One hundred years later, the church is once again being rocked. This time, many Christians are calling for us to rethink the “embarrassing” parts of Christianity — specifically, our distinctive sexual ethic. After all, many of the moral guidelines we read in the New Testament were written from another cultural vantage point and are no longer authoritative or relevant today. The clarion call of secular Christianity says. "If Christianity is to survive and thrive in the next century, many of our ancient prohibitions (sex outside of marriage, 
homosexual practice, the significance of gender, etc.) must be set aside. We can no longer call sin, sin according to what a bunch of converted Christianized Jews put in print. It is outdated thinking!"

Outside the West, this enthusiasm for rejecting Christian moral precepts that have been accepted by many American churches is mindboggling. Still many in Europe and Great Britain applaud this updated, secularized brand of Christianity.

Churches that accept society’s dogma on marriage and sexuality may think of themselves as “affirming,” but the "real church" sees them as “apostate.” Meanwhile, it seems the height of imperialistic narrowness for a rapidly shrinking subset of churches in the West to lecture the rest of the world — including those places where Christianity is exploding in growth or where Christians are being martyred — on why they are wrong and how everyone else in Christian history has misread Scripture regarding the meaning of marriage, sin, godly living, etc..

It’s commonplace to assume that contemporary society’s redefinition of marriage, gender, and the purpose for sexuality will eventually persuade the church to follow along. Nestled within our own times, it is easy to think the trajectory of history will lead to an inevitable change within the global Christian church, however history’s lesson is the opposite! A century ago, the modernists believed that the triumph of naturalism would lead to the total transformation of Christianity. Darwinism would change Christian thought forever. It didn't 
really, only in a few small sections of the church at large. Some apostate theologians propagate this watered-down moral Christianity.

It must have seemed thrilling for these leaders to think they were at the vanguard of reformation, that they were the pivot point of Christianity’s inevitable future. But such was not the case. Traditional stalwarts like Machen and G.K. Chesterton (who were criticized as hopelessly “backward” back then) still have books in print. The names of most of their once-fashionable opponents are largely unrecognizable. The Bible is still on the bestseller list. Newly found Christians realize in Islamic lands that they come from they will probably be killed for their conversion. Still, they come, some die, some live to give testimony to the life-givng, life-affirming, saving faith of Jesus Christ.

It’s commonplace to assume that contemporary society’s redefinition of marriage, gender, and the purpose for sexuality will eventually persuade the church to follow along. Should Jesus not return immediately, what if we were able to jump into the 22nd century. I wonder what we would see. There is a time in scripture according to Daniel and Revelation where wrong doing will become more commonplace and accepted as right-politicians practice it now! There is a time when the name of Jesus will be abhored by the majority of the population, maybe we are close, but what would we see in a 22nd century bible-affirming church? What can we expect?

Most likely, we would see a world in which the explosive growth of Christians in South America, China and Africa has dwarfed the churches of North America and Europe. And the lesson we learn from a century ago will probably still be true: History's lesson is that the churches that thrived were those that offered their world something more than the echo of the times. They offered them the Jesus of the Bible and all of the embarrassing miracles including the one where He rose triumphant over death. The Jesus that says "come unto me all ye heavy laden and I will give you rest."

See you next blog,

Ted

When Grief Is Like Fear

C.S. Lewis once said, “No one ever told me that grief felt just like fear” and for a quite a while I wasn't sure exactly what he meant. I didn't quite understand how fear could be related to grief. I read everything about fear and grief I could get my hands on and what I found and realized is that grief and fear go hand in hand. Grief doesn't have to be over the death of a loved one, it can come from lost love in our life. It can come from feeling you are not loved because of the way someone you love treats you. It feels the same, in fact, you feel that you have seemingly lost everything, what else is there to fear? But that is only the beginning of our human fears.

The "What Ifs" Of Fear 

After I read what C.S. Lewis said I examined my own fears. They are like everyone elses fears. We face the fear of not being everything we think God and everyone we care about wants us to be, the fear of losing loved ones, the fear of being rejected, fear of everything changing-changes we feel we are not ready for, the fear of losing our job if divorce or death comes to tear our family apart because we are not fully on top of things...fear of losing friends-and we will! What if she/he moves on with their life, take steps forward, and we are left alone, grieving and stationary? There are many more fears that humanity faces, and grief adds to the pain of those fears. Today I want to focus on the fear of loss.

When we love deeply we wonder these things I have mentioned. We wonder if we'll ever see that person who once said they loved us, again? What would we say to them? What if I have to live a lifetime without seeing that person again? What if they or I pass from this life and there are still things undone-unsaid? What if I can’t make it through this pain? What if I'm being too selfish? What if I'm too focused on trying to heal that I'm missing out on being there for someone else? What if I'm not doing what God has called me to do in life? What if I am so insignificant in life that I don't matter that much to God? What if my faith is scarcer than I thought? What about all my failures to ALWAYS convey the love of Christ to them-am I always going to fail? What is the future going to look like without that person I love? What if I never heal from my grief? 

But God Said...

How many of us ever thought so deeply about the things of God that we would want to intimately know Him? Does God feel loneliness and grief? He is the Almighty the All in All, the I AM! When we think of God do we consider how we go to Him? Do we consider what we ask for when praying? As a one time seminary graduate I thought I had all the answers for just about anything anyone would care to bring up...I couldn't have been more wrong! I have studied the greats in theology of various denominations and I realized that the human condition was well thought out by God, but it does not mean we understand all of His ways. One thing we know that God does truly love us because He sent His Son, Jesus to do what we could never or would never do. If God had told us that in order to gain right standing with Him that we had to die slowly, horribly, on a cross would we have done it...not on your life! Because He loves us he also understands our real needs more than we even discern to be true. Why? Because He knows and lives in the past, the present, and the future! He knows our future. God has a "gods-eye-view" of the whole parade of our life. Jesus knows our pain, our temptations, and our suffering...how do I know that?

Hebrew 4:15

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin.

Hebrews 2:17 

Therefore, He had to be made like His brethren in all things, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. 18 For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted.

Hebrews 5:2 

He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness.

John 11:35

Jesus wept

Luke 22:44

The night before Jesus Christ was crucified, He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. It is in Luke’s Gospel where we see that His sweat was like drops of blood: “And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground” (Luke 22:44). Hematidrosis is a rare, but very real, medical condition where one’s sweat will contain blood. The sweat glands are surrounded by tiny blood vessels. These vessels can constrict and then dilate to the point of rupture where the blood will then effuse into the sweat glands. Its cause—extreme anguish. In the other Gospel accounts, we see Jesus’ level of anguish: “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38; cf. Mark 14:34).

I can envision the intense anguish and sorrow Jesus felt was certainly understandable. Being God himself, Christ knew “all that was going to happen to Him” (John 18:4). He knew in painstaking detail the events that were to follow soon after He was betrayed by one of His very own disciples. He knew He was about to undergo several trials where all of the witnesses against Him would lie. He knew that many who had hailed Him as the Messiah only days earlier would now be screaming for His crucifixion (Luke 23:23). He knew He would be flogged nearly to the point of death before they pounded the metal spikes into His flesh. He knew the prophetic words of Isaiah spoken seven centuries earlier that He would be beaten so badly that He would be “disfigured beyond that of any man” and “beyond human likeness” (Isaiah 52:14). Certainly, these things factored into His great anguish and sorrow, causing Him to sweat drops of blood. Yet there was more.

Crucifixion was considered to be the most painful and torturous method of execution ever devised and was used on the most despised and wicked people. In fact, so horrific was the pain that a word was designed to help explain it—excruciating, which literally means “from the cross.” From His arrest in the garden until the time our Lord stated, “It is finished” (John 19:30), Scripture records only one instance where Jesus “cried out in a loud voice” (Matthew 27:46). As our sinless Savior bore the weight of the world’s sins on His shoulders, His Father must have looked away, as His “eyes are too pure to look on evil” (Habakkuk1:13), causing the suffering Servant to cry out “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”—“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1; Matthew 27:46). The spiritual pain of this feeling of abandonment no doubt greatly exceeded the intense physical pain the Lord endured on our behalf.

At the beginning of creation, human history began in a garden (Genesis 2:8), and when the first Adam sinned against God in this garden, death entered the world (Genesis 3:6). Thousands of years later, Jesus Christ, the last Adam (1 Corinthians 15:45), entered into another garden to accept the cup from His Father’s hand (Matthew 26:42; Mark 14:36; Luke 22:42), and death was about to be swallowed up in victory. Although God’s plan was designed before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4–5), we must never forget that its execution came at a great cost. Ultimately, then, we are the ones responsible for the blood that dripped from our Savior as He prayed in the garden. And we are the reason Jesus’ soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Indeed, these bloodied sweat drops came at a great cost; let us never forget that.

So you see my friend, Jesus suffered as we suffer through life but was without sin for the word of God says fear is sin, so now we should understand that we have this great Intercessor before the Father for our weaknesses. Do you hurt today? Call on Him! Do wonder if your life really matters? Call on Him! Do you hurt from loss? Call on Him! Do you doubt you will ever heal? Call on Him!

The Promise of a Compassionate High Priest-Jesus

Hebrews 4:14 Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Another old hymn comes to mind: Jesus' love can reach the deepest woe!
If you would like the music to this hymn go here: https://www.hymnal.net/en/hymn/h/677

ART THOU SUNK IN THE DEPTHS OF SORROW

1	Art thou sunk in depths of sorrow Where no arm can reach so low? There is One whose arms almighty Reach beyond thy deepest woe. God th’ Eternal is thy refuge, Let it still thy wild alarms; Underneath thy deepest sorrow,   Are the everlasting arms.
	Underneath thee, underneath thee, Are the everlasting arms, Everlasting, everlasting,   Are the everlasting arms.
2	Other arms grow faint and weary, These can never faint, nor fail; Others reach our mounts of blessing, These our lowest loneliest vale. O that all might know His friendship! O that all might see His charms! O that all might have beneath them   Jesus’ everlasting arms.
3	Underneath us, O how easy; We have not to mount on high, But to sink into His fulness, And in trustful weakness lie. And we find our humbling failures Save us from the strength that harms! We may fail, but underneath us   Are the everlasting arms.
4	Arms of Jesus! fold me closer, To Thy strong and loving breast, Till my spirit on Thy bosom Finds its everlasting rest; And when time’s last sands are sinking, Shield my heart from all alarms, Softly whispering, “Underneath thee,   Are the everlasting arms.”

See you next blog,

Ted

5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn by April Mabrey

Monday, March 18, 2013 | Written by April Mabrey

Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.

I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.

1. The girl my husband really wants has no desires or needs of her own, so I should abandon mine.

For me to have needs he says means I'm demanding. "Everything always has to be your way, huh?" The women in pornography, on the other hand, don't require anything of the participant. It is a very one sided act. It is all about him. But I didn't want him to reject me. I told myself therefore, if I try making our life all about my husband and leave my needs at the door he won’t need pornography anymore. 

Where did he want to eat for dinner? What movie did he want to see? I even went so far as to buy roller hockey gear and drive with him out to a dark, damp roller rink an hour away at 11 p.m. on a weeknight to play a sport I knew or cared nothing about. Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. I didn't want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “my husband's wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own.

2. The girl he really wants is passive, so I shouldn't get angry or have an opinion about his addiction.

To have an opposing opinion means I'm controlling. The women in pornography do what they're asked. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning. I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him.

They were these beautiful, wish-granting beauties and I was the nagging old hag who wanted to talk about the bank account and his “browsing history.” How could I win this battle? I didn't want to be labeled “controlling” even though he was the one "controlling." so I enabled him over and over again in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and wanted.

3. The girl he really wants will do anything, so I better step up my game.

To not want to have “his kind” of sex means I'm frigid. The women in pornography have seen it all and done it all. Intimacy and tenderness are not on the menu. I felt that I needed to fulfill or at least try anything he asked of me in order for him not to use porn.

There were many times where he played into my fear of his addiction being my fault…if we were together more often he wouldn’t have these issues. There were many years where I just willed myself to be with him because I couldn't stand the guilt of making his addiction return or worsen. I was dying a little each day…he had no idea or capacity to care. I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn't frigid.

4. The girl he really wants only has one dimension, so I should abandon my personal dreams or goals.

Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. I had become so enmeshed into what my husband wanted that my dream actually became for him to fulfill all of his dreams.

This was not his requirement of me. I just started believing it one day. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1 dimension,” so to speak. They had no back-stories, no history, no dreams. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. My husband had no need for an independent wife.  My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life.

5. The girl he really wants has long legs, a flat tummy, and enormous breasts…uh oh.

Well, I’m a chunky, 5’1” brunette who has to shop in the kids department for jeans.  This one is gonna be a problem, right? In true form, I gave it my all. Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push up bras…the list goes on and on.

I tried to satisfy his gourmet tastes, but now I know that porn creates an insatiable appetite that cannot be satisfied. I started realizing that I was just a normal woman who would be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to compete with the likes of Internet porn. I became tired and defeated, disgusted with my body image and angry toward anyone who was tall, thin, or beautiful.

The Truth That Sets Me Free

He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

A lie is the truth distorted. Pornography is a lie…it’s a distortion of the truth. There is no woman that has ever been born who meets all the criteria that I've written above. Chasing that shadow is an endless game that leaves you desperate and bitter.

When the person you're living with looks at you through distorted eyes, it distorts your ability to know who you are: a Princess of the Most High God. God has created you to have dreams and resolve and strength. You are precious to Him and you hold great value in His eyes. His eyes are the only ones who can help you see yourself as you really are, and by the renewing of your mind through His word, I pray that you come to understand your own brokenness, your own need for change, and most importantly your need of a Savior.

1. About the Author: April Mabrey. April Mabrey has been married to Darren for 20 plus years. They live in Dallas, Texas, with their twin girls, Luci and Sydni. April is a software engineer and loves to karaoke, Zumba, and eat sushi.Nov 10, 2014

Dear Christian woman,

If you husband is demanding sex in pornographic ways and criticizing or denigrating you when you won't do things that you know are clearly against God's view of intimacy between a man and woman, then take the trouble to find out what kind of man you married. There are men, who with counsel and long term help submit to God and leave pornography behind. If they are truly submitted to God their view of intimacy becomes godly. They are eager to help other men overcome their terribly dark sin.

However there is a man who will lie about their use of pornography and berate you if discovered, constantly make innuendo about your lack of sexuality, and treat you badly until they get what they want. Even then they are not satisfied because they only want more. This is not the picture of man submitted to God nor does he value his spouse's needs and desires. Remember scripture not only calls for the woman to be submissive but for the man to be submissive to God first and his wife...submission one to another is the rule! 

MEN! Submit is a verb. Submitting is a voluntary action. That means it is something we ourselves do. It’s not something we make someone else do. Just as we can’t force another person to love us, we can’t force someone to submit to us either. Of course we can make that person do what we want. But then that’s not true submission.

Submission is a choice we make. It’s something each one of us must decide to do. And this decision happens first in the heart. If we don’t decide in our hearts that we are going to willingly submit to whomever it is we need to be submitted to, then we are not truly submitting. That makes it difficult, if not impossible, for the person we want to submit to us.

This may be shocking news to you, but an overwhelming majority of wives in my survey said they want to submit to their husbands. They want their husbands to be the "head of the home(spiritual leader)", and they have no desire to usurp that God-given position of leadership. They know what the Bible says on the subject, and discerning wives want to do what God wants because they understand that God’s ways work best.

However, severe problems often arise in this area because a wife is afraid to submit to her husband for two reasons:

Reason #1: Her husband thinks submission is only a noun, and he uses it as a weapon.
Reason #2: Her husband has himself not made the choice in his heart to be fully submitted to God. How can she respect him if he will not submit to authority?

CHECK OUT MY BLOGS ON NARCISSISM! This man or woman is an entirely different matter and must be avoided! 

See you next blog,

Ted