Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.
I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.
1. The girl my husband really wants has no desires or needs of her own, so I should abandon mine.
For me to have needs he says means I'm demanding. "Everything always has to be your way, huh?" The women in pornography, on the other hand, don't require anything of the participant. It is a very one sided act. It is all about him. But I didn't want him to reject me. I told myself therefore, if I try making our life all about my husband and leave my needs at the door he won’t need pornography anymore.
Where did he want to eat for dinner? What movie did he want to see? I even went so far as to buy roller hockey gear and drive with him out to a dark, damp roller rink an hour away at 11 p.m. on a weeknight to play a sport I knew or cared nothing about. Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. I didn't want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “my husband's wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own.
2. The girl he really wants is passive, so I shouldn't get angry or have an opinion about his addiction.
To have an opposing opinion means I'm controlling. The women in pornography do what they're asked. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning. I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him.
They were these beautiful, wish-granting beauties and I was the nagging old hag who wanted to talk about the bank account and his “browsing history.” How could I win this battle? I didn't want to be labeled “controlling” even though he was the one "controlling." so I enabled him over and over again in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and wanted.
3. The girl he really wants will do anything, so I better step up my game.
To not want to have “his kind” of sex means I'm frigid. The women in pornography have seen it all and done it all. Intimacy and tenderness are not on the menu. I felt that I needed to fulfill or at least try anything he asked of me in order for him not to use porn.
There were many times where he played into my fear of his addiction being my fault…if we were together more often he wouldn’t have these issues. There were many years where I just willed myself to be with him because I couldn't stand the guilt of making his addiction return or worsen. I was dying a little each day…he had no idea or capacity to care. I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn't frigid.
4. The girl he really wants only has one dimension, so I should abandon my personal dreams or goals.
Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. I had become so enmeshed into what my husband wanted that my dream actually became for him to fulfill all of his dreams.
This was not his requirement of me. I just started believing it one day. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1 dimension,” so to speak. They had no back-stories, no history, no dreams. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. My husband had no need for an independent wife. My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life.
5. The girl he really wants has long legs, a flat tummy, and enormous breasts…uh oh.
Well, I’m a chunky, 5’1” brunette who has to shop in the kids department for jeans. This one is gonna be a problem, right? In true form, I gave it my all. Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push up bras…the list goes on and on.
I tried to satisfy his gourmet tastes, but now I know that porn creates an insatiable appetite that cannot be satisfied. I started realizing that I was just a normal woman who would be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to compete with the likes of Internet porn. I became tired and defeated, disgusted with my body image and angry toward anyone who was tall, thin, or beautiful.
The Truth That Sets Me Free
He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)
A lie is the truth distorted. Pornography is a lie…it’s a distortion of the truth. There is no woman that has ever been born who meets all the criteria that I've written above. Chasing that shadow is an endless game that leaves you desperate and bitter.
When the person you're living with looks at you through distorted eyes, it distorts your ability to know who you are: a Princess of the Most High God. God has created you to have dreams and resolve and strength. You are precious to Him and you hold great value in His eyes. His eyes are the only ones who can help you see yourself as you really are, and by the renewing of your mind through His word, I pray that you come to understand your own brokenness, your own need for change, and most importantly your need of a Savior.
About the Author: April Mabrey. April Mabrey has been married to Darren for 20 plus years. They live in Dallas, Texas, with their twin girls, Luci and Sydni. April is a software engineer and loves to karaoke, Zumba, and eat sushi.Nov 10, 2014
I got an email from a lady in Wisconsin that just broke my heart detailing all the things her husband has done to this young woman and would you believe after detailing the terrible things he has done she asked the question...AM I ABUSED? He fits the profile of a Malignant Narcissist to a tee, and makes her feel like she is the problem and that there is something wrong with her thinking. To her I have this to say and to everyone living with an Abusive Narcissist:
If you truly value your sanity you will have to understand that the Narcissist is an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE! You will never have any real value except as "feeding ground" for his voracious appetite of self! Everything must revolve around this self-styled god. Separate yourself from his kingdom of self if you want any identity of your own. I have talked about the ABUSER until I am blue in the face it seems, but it really is hard to get the ABUSED to understand why their ABUSER does the things they do and that ABUSED ARE NO…
I will continue in the next blog to discuss the last part of Facing Our Fears, but because of emails asking me to define abuse in more detail I decided to include this: Emotional Abuse Test: Am I Emotionally Abused? and Psychological Abuse Signs and Symptoms. All the information included in here is used to evaluate the amount and type of abuse you may have been subjected to in a dangerous relationship. It is extremely important to recognize emotion abuse when it occurs because though no bruises are apparent on the outside, the psychological and spiritual effects are long lasting and can lead to suicide. Please read this and do something about your abuse and your abuser! The churches have widely ignored abuse and even some of those who recognize it actually takes place often tell the abused to SUBMIT TO THE ABUSER IN A GODLY MANNER...WRONG!!!!!!!!! It is nothing short of cowardice to allow abuse to continue in a Christian marriage and to allow the abuser to enjoy any status within the…
So many clergy are cowards when it comes to defending the woman in an abusive relationship. They either refuse to get between an abusive husband and his wife, or they try to take the "high road" and counsel the wife to take it all in stride and just continue her Christ-like conduct while being devastated by a FOOL! They admonish him to conduct himself in a more Christ-like manner-geez that lasts until he gets angry or doesn't get sex when he wants it!
This article is by Del Hungerford, and probably one of the most scholarly works I have seen when it comes to dealing with an abusive spouse.
So many people ask about divorce and abuse: Can a woman Biblically divorce her abuser? This seems to be the main “tripping over” point for many Christian women who are (or have been) in abusive relationships. I think in order to answer this question satisfactorily, it’s important to look at HOW God views our behavior and the results (consequences) of that behavior.