Refusing Contact With Your Narcissist Ex!

Today I got messages from 2 ladies who had read my blog What Happens When You Leave A Narcissist?  http://talesfromted.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-happens-when-you-leave-narcissist.html

One commented that I hit the nail right on the head in every detail! 

The other woman commented that "the hardest thing in the world is to not leave home because they still have access to you, but to divorce a Narcissist when you have children with them. They really believe they are good guys who are just misunderstood. They use the children against you and try to convince your parents that you have hormonal issues and need to come back home where you can be cared for by those who love you. They say that all is forgiven and you can start where you left off. Some will even go to counseling so they can learn to tell you what you want to hear. They mimic love because they truly cannot feel compassion or love. Their idea of love is sex and lots of it if you are worthy of their bed."

Well all of this is true and most of it will be exhibited by the Narcissist you married...however some will kill you if you don't respond appropriately. With every Narcissist caution must be exhibited and contact must be kept to supervised contact only after divorce!

I won't mention names to protect them but both have experienced deception akin to dealing with the devil himself. The one thing I want everyone to know that is married to a Narcissist is the you are always in the CYCLE OF ABUSE...even when they are seemingly docile and penitent. The following article is by Survivors Unlimited. Please understand that no matter how pitiful or charming your abuser appears they meant what they did and most important THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN! 

Dr. Sam Vaknin at http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html#children recommends that you have no contact whatsoever with your abuser once you are away from them. That you accept no gifts or phone calls but instead route them to your attorney. They are charming as snakes when they lose their source of supply! They feel so sorry for themselves and do everything possible to look pathetic and abandoned.

Here is his advice once out of the house-most of you women will not heed this advice and will end up wishing you had:

(2c) Refuse All Contact

• Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. (make sure the courts understand you have been abused verbally and physically and they will mandate supervised contact only)

• Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.

• But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts – decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

• Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

• Return all gifts he sends you.

• Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

• Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

• Do not answer his letters.

• Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

• Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

• Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

• Do not discuss him with your children.

• Do not gossip about him.

• Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

• When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his.

• Relegate any inevitable contact with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

Survivors Unlimited
The following are excerpts from Survivors Unlimited by Holly G. For booklets please contact the office: info@pssaw.org
http://www.pssaw.org/survivors-unlimited.html

Breaking The Cycle

Abuse: Separating Truth from Lies

LIE: It will never happen again. I've never done that before. I love you.

TRUTH: If you are hit once, you will be hit again - and again, and again, and again.
Your abuser has probably been aggressive with others before you.
Hitting is not love - it is a means of control.

LIE: If you had listened in the first place, I wouldn't have had to hit you.
You made me hit you. I'm sorry.

TRUTH: You are not responsible for your abuser's behavior. You do not deserve to be hit. Your abuser apologizes because they know that's what you want to hear - the fact is, they only want to control you.

LIE: I never meant to hurt you. I want you to be happy. I won't stop you if you want to leave me.

TRUTH: Your abuser did mean to hurt you - that's how they control you. Your abuser does not want you to be happy - if they did, they would not hit you. Your abuser will do whatever it takes to prevent you from leaving - not because they love you, but because they don't want you to gain control over your own life, and because they don't want anyone to find out the truth about who they really are.

LIE: I promise I'll get help; I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I can change.

TRUTH: Maybe your abuser will seek professional help; maybe they will even be one of the lucky ones who really do change. But don't wait around to find out - if you do, you are asking for trouble, most abusers say exactly what they know their victims want to hear, in the hope that their victims will believe them, and return. In those situations, it's sometimes only a matter of hours before things are right back to the way they were.

Abusers thrive on controlling their victims in whatever manner they deem the most effective. They lull their victims into a false sense of security, biding their time until self-confidence and self-esteem begin emerging. Then, they attack, ripping away the fragile threads of newly restored confidence and self-worth. Abusers blame their victims for their own failures, accusing them of "provoking" the attack. But there is no justification for abuse. No matter what the abuser says, abuse is never deserved; victims need to understand that what their abusers are telling them are absolute lies. ALL human beings have the right to make their own decisions. ALL human beings have the right to be treated with respect. ALL human beings have the right to express their own opinion. ALL human beings have the right to live their lives as they see fit. The Constitution states that these are inalienable rights, and that the denial of our rights by others is punishable under the law.

Leaving an abuser is a very difficult thing; victims have become so accustomed to their steady diet of abuse, it has become a kind of security - a hated security, to be sure, but a security nonetheless. The sense of shame and degradation that victims suffer when they are finally able to find the courage and strength to leave is tragic, because society tends to treat the abuser as the victim, instead of treating the abuser like the monster he or she truly is.

How often have we found ourselves frustrated at the disbelief we receive from those we thought we could talk to? How often have we heard people say, "Oh, please! He (or she) wouldn't hurt a fly, never mind hitting you!" How often have we found ourselves out in the cold, alone and scared, with nowhere safe to go, terrified that our abuser will find us, and drag us back into Hell?

How many of us have literally run for our lives? How many of us have literally had to become completely different people, discarding our identities in order to protect our own lives, and - for those who have them - the lives of our children, hoping against hope that our abusers won't ever find us? Too many.
Separating the truth from the lies is as easy as it is painful and difficult. You don't want to give up on the people who are abusing you, because somewhere deep inside you is the memory of why you chose to spend so much of your life with them in the first place. It's only natural to keep hoping that your abuser will change, that maybe it will be different 'this time.'

It's only normal that you refuse to accept what your heart tells you is true: unless your abuser seeks professional help, it's doubtful things will change.

But you know, there is an incredible, awesome, wonderful Life out there, and it's waiting for you to reach out and experience it. It's waiting for you to discover -or perhaps rediscover - how intelligent, wise, loving, compassionate, giving, tolerant, patient, and glorious you are. Life is supposed to be a wonderful time of learning and loving, and a time in which you have the continual pleasure and excitement of finding out what lies around the next bend of this incredible road.

Life is not supposed to filled with nothing but pain, heartache, misery, and rage. We are all here to learn how to become better people, to fulfill our special missions - whatever they may be - and to enjoy the joys and challenges we can experience along the way. It doesn't matter whether we're the CEO of a huge corporation, a single parent forced to rely on the generosity of government agencies, or some rich and famous musician, author, singer, or dancer - we all have important missions to fulfill. We all deserve to experience the joys and challenges of Life; these things are essential to our growth as human beings. If victims continue to deny themselves of what is rightfully theirs - Life - by continuing to allow their abusers to control J them, they are denying the rest of the world something rare and precious: them-selves.

Holly G. - Excerpted from Survivors Unlimited Vol. 1 - No. 1

Deconstructing the Psyche

The statistics on domestic violence are frightening. The incidents of death resulting from domestic disputes are on the rise. There are reports of parents killing their children, children killing other children, and children killing their parents.

There was a time when abusers pretty much had free reign over their victims. In the 1960's, abuse was considered by many as 'non-existent.' People believed that what went on behind closed doors was nobody's business but their own; abusers were often treated as the victims of spite. How the times have changed!

Yet, as a Survivor of abuse, I can honestly say that, while times have, indeed, changed, there are many ways in which the times haven't really changed at all. Why is it, for example, that we only hear about abuse when we read about the death of a victim in the paper?

As all abuse Survivors are well aware, the shame and degradation we feel at having remained in abusive relationships for so long is overwhelming. Coming for-ward with the truth is even more humiliating. Virtually all abuse Survivors know all too well the sense of humiliation when our claims of abuse are met with disbelief and disdain. We know, too, the sense of helpless frustration and fear such disbelief brings: Will they (those we confide in) tell? What do I do? Where do I go? If he finds me, I'm dead!

Abuse takes many forms. Some are visible, but most are not. And while the physical scars may heal over time, the mental, emotional, and spiritual scars are. For many, permanent reminders of lost innocence, faith, trust, and hope.

It is my deepest hope that this small handbook will provide you hope for your own future, as well as a better sense of who you are as an individual. Indeed, the fact that you have found the courage and the strength to free yourself from your abuser is a true cause for celebration!

The truth is, if your partner abuses you once, chances are, they'll do it again. But, no matter what they promise, how sincere their apologies, how desperate their pleas for you to return, or how strong they protest that it will never happen again. the fact remains that your trust has been betrayed.

Once broken, that trust cannot - and should not - be mended.

You are free if you allow yourself to be. The fact that have found the courage to get out from under the crushing boot of your abuser, and that you have found the strength to repel the burning touch of your abuser's closed fists, means that, on a deeper level, you realize that you do not - and never did - deserve the abuse you have suffered. It means that you have a true fighting Spirit, and are deter-mined to exercise your right to be treated as the human being you are.

Never give up. Right now, you may feel like your suffering is hopeless. But, in reality, freeing yourself from the abuse you have endured means you are keeping hope alive.

And that, Survivor, means that you are now in the driver's seat.

It means that you have chosen to win.

Holly G. - Excerpted from Survivors Unlimited Vol. 1 - No. 2

See you next blog,
Ted

Alone And Friendless For Christmas

This year I was alone for Thanksgiving. I've been alone for Thanksgiving before though it has been a while, and this year I will be alone for Christmas and New Year's. I've been alone for Christmas and New Year's before and wondered what to do with me. Maybe some of you are in that same fix. What to do, you ask yourself? Sure, it’s easy to fall into a funk and begin to feel sorry for yourself and your situation. What makes it worse is if you don't even have a friend to do Christmas with for whatever reason. Sometimes it was by choice, and other times it wasn't. In any case, when I was alone for Thanksgiving this year I read and went to a movie, I found a way to make the most of my situation and looked at it with from a very short-term perspective —who knows what next year will bring? What if it is the same thing? What will you do then? Plan ahead!

It’s a great time to do something completely different and go outside of your comfort zone or shell of security. If you've never volunteered at a food bank or kitchen, give it a try. I called around this week to see where I can volunteer this year and found that food kitchens require you to have a health card now. So if you want to do that next year, plan ahead and get your health card. If you plan ahead next year you can also help in a food bank or Christmas present distribution just before Christmas Day. If you are not the volunteer type there are other things you can do

So here are some other suggestions you can try if you’re alone for Thanksgiving or Christmas. And if none of those things float your boat, well, here are even more suggestions on how to make the holidays a little less lonely. Remember, you can be alone for the holidays and not have to feel lonely.

*  Churches sometimes offer to provide meals and fellowship and a wonderful time with the God who loves us.

* If you have never read through the Bible completely Christmas Day is good time to start.

* Read a book you have always wanted to pick up and read but just never found time to do.

*  Go to McDonald's the day before Christmas and buy gift cards to hand out to those in need as you drive or walk city streets.

*  Stay home and write about your best Christmas ever-a trip down memory lane can do a world of good!

*  Fix yourself a meal of something you would really enjoy-take time for yourself

* Go see a movie...most movie theaters are open on Christmas day-do a movie marathon!

* A guy named Paul Little filmed himself doing every role in Home Alone       http://kfor.com/2013/12/23/watch-man-creates-christmas-classic-home-alone-playing-all-parts/

* Broke? Stay home and watch your favorite Christmas movies even broadcast TV has them. Don't forget popcorn is cheap and so are cookies...worry about the calories tomorrow!

* Many gyms are open on Christmas-it's good time to start a new routine or do continue an old one.

* Drive to the country for a day if seasonal weather isn't a problem.

* Build a computer, do a project for a day, or plan a project to do for the coming year.

* Write to a soldier defending our freedoms-soldiers get lonely too even in a crowd of other soldiers
http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

Most importantly don't sit and feel sorry for yourself because of high expectations! Remember, if you feel like you’re missing out on the ideal holiday Hallmark scene, it helps to be brought back to reality. Things happen in life that bring about disappointment and loss but it is never something that cannot be remedied for the future. For most families, holidays are often a time of stress combined with a time of togetherness. It’s not all flowers and sunshine, and some people absolutely dread getting together with their family because of family expectations of “togetherness. or other issues” That’s part of the problem — this sense of “togetherness” comes part and parcel with the holidays. As Dr. Elaine Rodino noted in her articles about coping with the holidays, “There’s so much hype for this wonderful time of togetherness, that it accentuates the feeling of being alone and disconnected.” I can think of several Christmases with family I would rather have been somewhere else...even alone! Next year may be different, but if it isn't, plan to do something outside your comfort zone. Make it a Christmas adventure!

Although we may sometimes feel very much alone in the world, we are the makers of our own reality and feelings. If you’re alone this Thanksgiving or Christmas, change your expectations — change something up this holiday season — and you can change your holiday from one of feeling lonely and sorry for yourself, to one of feeling alone — but content. Remember something very important if you are a believer, God loved your life enough to provide a way to be with Him for eternity by giving the greatest gift man has ever known-His Son. Embrace Christmas for it's true meaning not what the world tells you Christmas is for! Have a very blessed Christmas EVERYONE!

See you next blog,
Ted

Are Christians Allowed Their Beliefs? The Liberal Hate Mongers Are Allowed Theirs!

By extrapolating quotes and just plain old lying, the elite media are using a GQ interview with "Duck Dynasty" patriarch Phil Robertson as an excuse to go on an anti-Christian rampage that they hope will further their longstanding goal of toxifying Biblical beliefs as bigoted and anti-gay. If you read the full GQ interview, though, it is glaringly obvious that Robertson is anti-sin, not anti-gay, and that he believes we should all love one another.

To begin with, the Duck Commander did not single out homosexual behavior; he listed over a half-dozen sins, including adultery, greed, bestiality, drunkenness, idolatry, etc. But the most important thing Robertson said I have yet to see anyone in the elite media report:
You put in your article that the Robertson family really believes strongly that if the human race loved each other and they loved God, we would just be better off. We ought to just be repentant, turn to God, and let’s get on with it, and everything will turn around. Here's the most important thing: in the article, Robertson said this just before he talked at length about sin.

Obviously, context is everything when it comes to understanding truth, but context is also kryptonite to an anti-Christian media and left only interested in furthering their own bigoted agenda.

If you look at the full context of what Robertson said, including the quote about loving one another that the media is going out of its way to not report, how can the media claim that Robertson said homosexuals are going to Hell? Or that he singled out homosexuals? Or that he compared homosexuality to bestiality.

If Robertson compared homosexuality to bestiality, he also compared adultery, drunkenness and greed to bestiality -- and no one is arguing that.

You can only claim what the left and the media are claiming about Robertson if you are lying, and it is just a fact that through the act of omission (the quote above) and commission, the media are lying.

Phil Robertson is anti-sin, believes we should all love one another, and believes we can all be saved through the grace of Jesus Christ.
Only the media and the left could be offended by that.

In a wide-ranging interview in GQ, Robertson didn't hold back when sharing his thoughts about homosexuality and sin in general.

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong... Sin becomes fine,” he said. “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”

Click here to read his entire interview in GQ.

Paraphrasing Corinthians he added: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

The gay and lesbian rights group GLAAD was quick to criticize Robertson for his comments and called on A&E to take action.

I wonder if they are miserable that the word of God calls homosexuality an ABOMINATION before God multiple times in scripture? The homosexual community has done everything possible to change the context of scripture to read otherwise. They have spent millions of dollars to paint all of us who believe homosexuality is an ABOMINATION as homophobes! Many of our youth have bought into the lies because the liberal media is so effective at making GAY cool! Can God love gays, YES, but it is still sin and God requires repentance of the behavior in order to forgive sexual sin...all sexual sin! Should we love Gays, YES, but not be content with their sin nor sin in our lives either.

(By the way, I don't watch the show, buy any of their stuff, or endorse the program, but I am sick of the Christian hate-mongering media and liberals going on the attack of our beliefs when they can flaunt theirs in our face.)

See you next blog,
Ted

Regrets You Don't Want In Life

How would you like to wake up ten years from now and realize your whole life has been wasted, lost on following foolish advice or allowing a fool to manage your life, toxic relationships, achievements you gave up on because of negative criticism by a cynic, and wishing your life had been different?

1. Wearing a mask to impress others. – If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it.  Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are.  So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you.  You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people. Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Letting someone else create their dreams at your expense – The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find.  A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams.  Do you have people who disagree with you?  Good.  It means you’re standing your ground and walking your own path.  Sometimes you’ll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that’s when you’ll know you’re doing the right thing.  Don't let those who don't love you or understand you tell you how or what to dream!
3. Keeping negative company. – Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.  Don't let them tell you who you are. Don't allow bad company to look down on you from their self-imposed perch! Don’t let them get to you.  They can’t pull the trigger if you don’t hand them the gun.  When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety. 
4. Being selfish and egotistical or allowing selfish and egotistical people room to harm you – You are the best judge of what you need in life to be content if you born with compassion for others. Some people simply are not and never will be. A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone.  Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired.  So carve your name on hearts, not stone.  What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
5. Avoiding change and growth. – If you want to know your past look into your present conditions.  If you want to know your future look into your present actions.  You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back or get better.  If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for lasting success.  
6. Giving up when the going gets tough. – There really are no failures, just results if you learn from bad results.  Even if things don’t unfold the way you had expected, don’t be disheartened or give up.  Learn what you can and move on.  The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end.  Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory.  It’s a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing or let someone micromanage you. – Life should be touched, not strangled.  Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement.  Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight.  Take a deep breath.  When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward.  You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great.  If your steps are ordered by God everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots. Don't let anyone micromanage your life-who says they are right?
8. Settling for less than you deserve. – Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.  Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before.  Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again.  Don’t just settle make whatever changes you need to love your life.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow. – The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do.  We are not ever promised a tomorrow so make today count! One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do.  And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t. Procrastination is a dream killer!
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy. – The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING.  Develop a backbone and say what you mean, not a wishbone.  Sugar-coating only gives others the advantage to harm you. Take full responsibility for your life – take control.  God's gift to you is life, your gift to Him is what you do with it! You are important-God said so in His word, and you are needed.  It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday.  Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU-GET OUT THERE AND GET BUSY!

See you next blog,

Ted

Who Do Men Say That I Am? A Thanksgiving Thought

Matthew 16:13-20
13 Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” 14 And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” 15 He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” 16 Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son ofthe living God.” 17 And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. 18 And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock[a] I will build my church, and the gates of hell[b] shall not prevail against it. 19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed[c] in heaven.” 20 Then he strictly charged the disciples to tell no one that he was the Christ.

I am probably God's most rebellious child I guess. I can't even count the things I have done wrong...maybe numbers don't go that high, but one thing is certain...inspite of my rebellious nature I love Him with all that is within me and I want to be like Him. He promises to change us from the inside out by the working of the Holy Spirit. I am thankful today on this Thanksgiving, right at this moment, for so great a blood-bought salvation. Why do I mention blood in talking about salvation? Because the blood of a sinless lamb sprinkled on the lentel and post of their doors saved the children of Israel when the death-angel passed over. How much more the blood of the sinless lamb of God sent to die terribly on a wooden cross saves me from eternal death now.

Consider what the Bible says about Him:

JESUS IS GOD

While Jesus was on earth there was much confusion about who He was. Some thought He was a wise man or a great prophet. Others thought He was a madman. Still others couldn't decide or didn't care. But Jesus said, "I and the Father are one" (John 10:30). That means He claimed to be nothing less than God in human flesh.

Many people today still don't understand that Jesus claimed to be God. In today's culture many would rather believe that Jesus was just someone special to point the way to be of good moral character. But even His enemies understood His claims to deity. That's why they tried to stone Him to death (John 5:18; 10:33) and eventually had Him crucified (John 19:7).

C.S. Lewis observed, "You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to" (Mere Christianity [Macmillan, 1952], pp. 40-41).

If the biblical claims of Jesus are true, He is God!


JESUS IS HOLY

God is absolutely and perfectly holy (Isaiah 6:3), therefore He cannot commit or approve of evil (James 1:13).

As God, Jesus embodied every element of God's character. Colossians 2:9 says, "In Him all the fulness of Deity dwells in bodily form." He was perfectly holy (Hebrews 4:15). Even His enemies couldn't prove any accusation against Him (John 8:46)

God requires holiness of us as well. First Peter 1:16 says, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."


 Jesus Is The Savior...not baptism, not church attendance, not being perfect!

If the law was a sign it would tell all of us imperfect and rebellious ones ROAD CLOSED!

The Law God gives us in the ten commandments says our failure to obey God--to be holy--places us in danger of eternal punishment (2 Thessalonians 1:9). The truth is, we cannot obey Him because we have neither the desire nor the ability to do so. We are by nature rebellious toward God (Ephesians 2:1-3). The Bible calls our rebellion "sin." According to Scripture, everyone is guilty of sin: "There is no man who does not sin" (1 Kings 8:46). "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). And we are incapable of changing our sinful condition. Jeremiah 13:23 says, "Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil."

That doesn't mean we're incapable of performing acts of human kindness. We might even be involved in various religious or humanitarian activities. But we're utterly incapable of understanding, loving, or pleasing God on our own. The Bible says, "There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God; all have turned aside, together they have become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one" (Romans 3:10-12).

Have you ever seen this sign: All Violaters Will Be Prosecuted-That's US!

God's holiness and justice demand that all sin be punished by death: "The soul who sins will die" (Ezekiel 18:4). That's hard for us to understand because we tend to evaluate sin on a relative scale, assuming some sins are less serious than others. However, the Bible teaches that all acts of sin are the result of sinful thinking and evil desires. That's why simply changing our patterns of behavior can't solve our sin problem or eliminate its consequences. We need to be changed inwardly so our thinking and desires are holy

Jesus is the only one who can forgive and transform us, thereby delivering us from the power and penalty of sin: "There is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12).

Even though God's justice demands death for sin, His love has This Way Out provided a Savior, who paid the penalty and died for sinners: "Christ ... died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, in order that He might bring us to God" (1 Peter 3:18). Christ's death satisfied the demands of God's justice, thereby enabling Him to forgive and save those who place their faith in Him (Romans 3:26). John 3:16 says, "God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." He alone is "our great God and Savior" (Titus 2:13).


JESUS IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE OBJECT OF SAVING FAITH

Some people think it doesn't matter what you believe as long as you're sincere. But without a valid object your faith is useless

If you take poison--thinking it's medicine--all the faith in the world won't restore your life. Similarly, if Jesus is the only source of salvation, and you're trusting in anyone or anything else for your salvation, your faith is useless.

God makes it clear in His word that there is only ONE WAY

No matter how angry that may make those who read it, God intended our salvation to depend upon the sacrifice and resurrection of His Son! There is no other way by which men must be saved...how totally myopic that sounds to so many! Many people assume there are many paths to God and that each religion represents an aspect of truth. But God wants us to live in total truth not just fragments of truth that living life may reveal. Jesus said, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me" (John 14:6). He didn't claim to be one of many equally legitimate paths to God, or the way to God for His day only. He claimed to be the only way to God--then and forever.




JESUS IS LORD

Contemporary thinking says man is the product of evolution. But the Bible says we were created by a personal God to love, serve, and enjoy endless fellowship with Him

The New Testament reveals it was Jesus Himself who created everything (John 1:3; Colossians 1:16). Therefore He also owns and rules everything (Psalm 103:19). That means He has authority over our lives and we owe Him absolute allegiance, obedience, and worship.

Romans 10:9 says, "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord,Yield and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved." Confessing Jesus as Lord means humbly submitting to His authority (Philippians 2:10-11). Believing that God has raised Him from the dead involves trusting in the historical fact of His resurrection--the pinnacle of Christian faith and the way the Father affirmed the deity and authority of the Son (Romans 1:4; Acts 17:30-31).

True faith is always accompanied by repentance from sin. Repentance is more than simply being sorry for sin. It is agreeing with God that you are sinful, confessing your sins to Him, and making a conscious choice to turn from sin and pursue holiness (Isaiah 55:7). Jesus said, "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments" (John 14:15); and "If you abide in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine" (John 8:31).

It isn't enough to believe certain facts about Christ. Even Satan and his demons believe in the true God (James 2:19), but they don't love and obey Him. Their faith is not genuine. True saving faith always responds in obedience (Ephesians 2:10).

Jesus is the sovereign Lord. When you obey Him you are acknowledging His lordship and submitting to His authority. That doesn't mean your obedience will always be perfect, but that is your goal. There is no area of your life that you withhold from Him.

JESUS IS THE JUDGE 

If Jesus is the JUDGE then there is DANGER AHEAD

All who reject Jesus as their Lord and Savior will one day face Him as their Judge: "God is now declaring to men that all everywhere should repent, because He has fixed a day in which He will judge the world in righteousness through a Man whom He has appointed, having furnished proof to all men by raising Him from the dead" (Acts 17:30-31).

Second Thessalonians 1:7-9 says, "The Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with His mighty angels in flaming fire, dealing out retribution to those who do not know God and to those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. And these will pay the penalty of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power."

SO HOW DO YOU INTEND TO RESPOND?

Who does the Bible say Jesus is? The living God, the Holy One, the Savior, the only valid object of saving faith, the sovereign Lord, and the righteous Judge.

Who do you say Jesus is? That is the inescapable question. He alone can redeem you--free you from the power and penalty of sin. He alone can transform you, restore you to fellowship with God, and give your life eternal purpose. Will you do the simple thing He requires and repent and believe that only in Jesus Christ and His blood-bought salvation can you be saved from eternity separated from Him? 



Ephesians 2:1-10 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body[a] and the mind, and were by naturechildren of wrath, like the rest of mankind.[b] 4 But[c] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

See you next blog,
Ted

Ministers, Pastors, Leadership and Churches Who Abuse the Divorced

The problem with divorce among Christians is improperly taught clergy itself and an unforgiving, badly informed church . Christians seem to be the only army that shoot their wounded. Instead of examining the issues concerning why a couple chooses divorce we choose a side and condemn the other. Yes there are wrong reasons to divorce. Yes there are wrong divorces, however we are all sinners. Even the saved are sinners saved by grace, like it or not, they are forgiven when they repent of their sins ask for it. In fact, we walk in a state of grace before God. Does that give us license to sin, no! However grace is God's Riches At Christ's Expense not ours!! Grace is about what God did even when we were at enmity with Him. Like or not, there are right reasons for divorce and abuse is at the top of the list. Nowhere in God's word does it tell a man or a woman to allow abuse by their so-called covenant partner in marriage! Nowhere in God's word does it allow a man to berate, belittle, or beat his wife into submission! Nowhere!!! ABUSE IS A DEAL BREAKER, WHETHER EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL!

In the case of abuse in a marriage, there is no reason to remain in any marriage where there is no true remorse and repentance for evil perpetrated upon the abused. True remorse does not assign blame to the abused by the abuser ever! True remorse does not divide the home with lies about the abused by the abuser. True remorse acknowledges all wrong-doing and seeks to right the wrong. True remorse makes no conditions for getting the proper help and accepts the penalty for his or her abuses. True remorse acknowledges that Jesus is Lord of the relationship and that the abuser must submit themselves to Christ with no conditions for total submission. True remorse exhibits the fruit of the Spirit and demonstrates true repentance. That still does not guarantee that the marriage will survive or the the offended spouse must remain in the marriage. A truly repentant divorced abuser is just as acceptable in the kingdom of heaven as a former murderer or thief, or repentance means nothing. However more so is a divorced abused person acceptable in the sight of God and the church. God has not changed his mind about divorce, but neither is it the unpardonable sin! Forgiveness and restoration is commanded by our Lord.

Divorce and the Church:

Ministers, Pastors and Leadership Who Abuse the Divorced.

Introduction and closing by: Stephen Gola
Letter by: Renate Vinje

Many of those in leadership in the local church are unwittingly abusing, traumatizing and betraying God’s kids who come for help. We know that in general the leadership in God’s church knows little to nothing about divorce and remarriage as God sees it. We also know that these truths have been lost through time; nevertheless, the abuse continues and God’s kids suffer.

We at DivorceHope will offer to help anyone who is in a leadership or counseling position to truly understand God’s heart on divorce, remarriage, relationship love and marriage covenants.

Therefore by permission, I present an actual letter of a real situation that has occurred as an example of the common abuse that is rampant in the church. (The names in the letter have been removed.) I wish I could say that this is an isolated case. However, we at DivorceHope see this tragic scenario played-out over and over again in Christian’s lives. Only their names and faces are different.

Renate Vinje wrote this letter to the church leadership in defense of her friend whom they abused and shamed for being divorced. We know that many of you who were abused will find healing in this letter; and, we are trusting God that many of you in leadership who have unwittingly abused God’s kids will find the truth.

Here’s Renate:

I just recently joined your organization for Bible study. After I visited with my friend last week, I learned that it was her church and your "fellowship" that added more pain to her already broken spirit when she was divorced many years ago. Although she has forgiven you and her church, she is still suffering from her past, unable to heal, as she was shamed and deeply wounded, and churches reinforce her shame over and over again.

She was married to a monster who terribly abused her and her daughter for 9 years, fearing for her life. She finally had the courage to leave him. Rather than have the church stand with her, struggling to survive with her daughter, helping her to overcome and heal, they did nothing to support her and actually added more pain by telling her she could no longer sing in the choir. Besides her personhood being destroyed, feeling like garbage, feeling rejected by her church, she could not use her wonderful gift of music anymore.

In addition she was told by your organization that she could not be a women's leader, causing more shame and belittlement, as they are to set the example. I ask myself what example they were by treating her this way, and what sin she committed besides being a victim? But she was still good enough to care for children, to disappear in the back room, even pressured to do so. Amazing, how they would allow a person not good enough to set standards to lead women, yet good enough to lead easily influenced children. Hmm?

At least she had enough sense to leave. How terrible though to be abused by her spouse, and then spiritually abused by her church and your group as well. Thank God she had family. If that would have happened to me I would have been all alone as I am from Europe and have no other family. God knows what I would have done.

Therefore, I contacted my group leader to inquire if the organization still had the same policy towards or more correctly against divorced leaders, no matter the reason for divorce. Since they have not changed, I told her I would no longer be able to attend. Although she tried to persuade me to stay, it would be hypocritical for me not to stand with my friend who was abused and terrorized by her husband, and then spiritually abused by her church and your fellowship.

God hates divorce, but Himself divorced and remarried.It seems that even God is not good enough to sing at her church and lead in your organization, as even He who hates divorce, went ahead and divorced Israel because of her evil ways, and married another, the gentiles. Even God has enough sense to reject evil. Not until God raptures His church, and  Israel repents at our Lord's second coming will God take her back, and marry her again, and then only those who repent. Jeremiah 3; Zechariah 12-14. My friend forgave this evil man for years, pouring out her Spirit of Grace, and was ready to forgive again and again, but he would not repent. I guess you expected her to have more power than God and do more than God could or would do.

Christ says "Depart from me you evil doer!"While Christ died for us while we were yet sinners, and He woos us to Him by His grace, it does not benefit us until we repent to enter into Covenant with God. Marital love is Covenant love, requiring both parties to submit to one another. Unconditional love implies that no matter how your spouse treats you, abuses you, or corrupts you and your family, whether by legal or illegal means, you are to "love" them. Essentially, we have been taught that "unconditional" love is a love without moral boundaries. While Jesus loved us and allowed himself to be abused and terrorized for our sin, He did so before we married Him, but only those who repent, and respond in deep regret, love and gratitude to Him are accepted and benefit in a marriage relationship with Him forever. Others who claim to know Him are warned and told He never knew them. To know Him means intimate love, marital love, and for the evil doer to depart from Him. Jesus is indeed our bridegroom and we are His bride. But even Jesus will divorce many forever and send them to hell, because they never committed to Him in the first place. --Sorry Jesus, according to my friend's church and your organization, "You" are not qualified to lead your church either. Matthew 7. How sad that the church has not learned that divorce in and of itself is not sin, and under certain circumstances is a righteous act, as God did so Himself, and Christ Himself will do so when He separates the goat from the sheep.

What "God" has joined together let no man separate. 
Mark 10: 6-9. Although I have never been divorced nor abused by my husband and have no personal stake for my views, outside of the fact that I understand abuse due to my childhood and have a heart for God and people, I believe that not all marriages performed by our legal system nor churches are necessarily marriages approved or joined by "God", as we can see by legalizing homosexual marriages. Furthermore God detested marriages between Israel and ungodly pagan nations in the Old Testament, which typifies the believer joined with the unbeliever.

In the case of my friend, deceived to marry a controlling and abusive spouse who never committed to the marriage "under God", was never joined by God. I dare say it was detested and hated by God, as marriage is a covenant, a "conditional" covenant. Therefore God does not approve of all marriages, therefore not all divorce is sin, - that is unless, - you want to call God and Jesus Christ a sinner.

This man was evil, deceptive, and merely used her for sex as he would a live - in whore and convenience as he would a maid. Secondly one can hardly call such a man a Christian, as one cannot ignore the Holy Sprit and His constant knocking to repent of sin, in this case of spousal destruction and satanic mind control. It is evil to pressure a woman into staying with an abusive unrepentant mate, and making the victim feel responsible, shaming and degrading her even more. We must consider him an unbeliever and let him leave, as he never meant to stay in the first place. 1Corinthians 7. While restoration is always Gods desire and first priority, it is impossible without repentance. By the way, Titus taught the husband of one wife. This does in no way speak of one spouse in your lifetime, or never divorced and remarried, but rather of marriage to one wife at a time, rather than many wives. If that were the case a widower could not remarry either.

Thirdly an abused spouse is in bondage and cannot make Jesus Lord over her life as the abuser lords over her heart and mind, leaving the person unable to think correctly, living in constant fear rather than loving submission to God and each other. It is a known fact that spousal abuse causes damage to mind, soul, and spirit that is often irreversible. Never mind what it does to children. It is a miracle that my friend is who she is, not because of your help, but by the grace of God and her unswerving faith. Amazingly she still desires to go to church. I hope and pray she has not learned to go back for more abuse.

Who is good enough?Since you seem to be so concerned to only use "proper" people who have never divorced, to set the example, I wonder how you feel about using ex murderers, homosexuals, or adulterers, liars, and thieves? If you ask me I would rather be taught and trust a person who is divorced, that is if I did not believe in the power of a changed life through Christ. I also wonder why you are not concerned about using "proper" material. Why is it that you don’t rip up the biggest part of the New Testament written by Paul, a multi-murderer, the apostle to the gentiles, founder of many churches and great leader? We certainly would not want to follow anything he would have to say, would we? How about the Psalms written in large by King David, an adulterer and murderer, a "man after God's own heart?" I could go on and on but I am sure you get the point.

Love rather than fear and shame:When in doubt try love. The wounded person must be embraced, loved, and helped to seek godly counsel. Anyone knows that abuse causes people to have little or no worth, and a wounded soul and spirit in turn most often chooses unwisely, and almost always less than they think they are worth. Therefore, my friend remarried a person with many issues because she has never learned her worth, and how could she, when she has been taught over and over again by churches and Christian organizations that she is "not good enough." They have been married 20 years now. When I asked her "why", she said "At least he does not beat me."  Therefore she has stuck it out because he is kind, and thank God he is now finally seeking help, and we pray for his ability to trust the Lord for healing, strength and renewal. However in all those years no help ever came from her new church. Although she attends faithfully, and is active, not one man nor the pastor ever called and said  to her new husband "Come and join me for a cup of coffee", etc. etc. I dare say that if she would have divorced again, the church would have been there quickly to judge, maybe even condemn her.

It is with sadness and utter disgust that I find once again that the church of Jesus Christ preaches forgiveness, righteousness and restoration in Christ but does not practice it. (Galatians 6:1.) May God forgive you for adding pain and shame to the hurting, abandoning the wounded and lonely, in the name of looking proper. If I recall correctly Jesus called such white washed tombs.

Although my friend has forgiven her church and your organization years ago, forgiveness does not equate healing. It would benefit my friend much in her healing, if you indeed would apologize to her for the pain you caused, but that would mean you would have to reexamine and oppose your policy, and consider the possibility that it is wrong. Although much of the Bible study material is good and deserves to be recognized, the policies pertaining to church leadership are in my firm belief in great error, spiritually abusive, and do not reflect a healthy balance of scripture, never mind the heart of God and Jesus Christ.

In His service,

Renate Vinje

(You may visit Renate at www.RenateVinje.com)

Sadly, this letter is a typical scenario of the abuse the leadership of local churches is unwittingly inflicting upon Christians regarding divorce and remarriage. Nevertheless, there must be forgiveness to God’s leadership for simply not knowing. God’s kids MUST be aware that a title, position or office such as minister, pastor, prophet, reverend, etc. does not automatically grant them full understanding of the truth on any Biblical subject. No, they must learn like everyone else and/or get it from those who have it. Again, we at DivorceHope will offer to help anyone in a leadership or counseling position to truly understand God’s heart on divorce, remarriage, relationship love and marriage covenants.

Stephen Gola

See you next blog,

Ted