Refusing Contact With Your Narcissist Ex!

Today I got messages from 2 ladies who had read my blog What Happens When You Leave A Narcissist?

One commented that I hit the nail right on the head in every detail! 

The other woman commented that "the hardest thing in the world is to not leave home because they still have access to you, but to divorce a Narcissist when you have children with them. They really believe they are good guys who are just misunderstood. They use the children against you and try to convince your parents that you have hormonal issues and need to come back home where you can be cared for by those who love you. They say that all is forgiven and you can start where you left off. Some will even go to counseling so they can learn to tell you what you want to hear. They mimic love because they truly cannot feel compassion or love. Their idea of love is sex and lots of it if you are worthy of their bed."

Well all of this is true and most of it will be exhibited by the Narcissist you married...however some will kill you if you don't respond appropriately. With every Narcissist caution must be exhibited and contact must be kept to supervised contact only after divorce!

I won't mention names to protect them but both have experienced deception akin to dealing with the devil himself. The one thing I want everyone to know that is married to a Narcissist is the you are always in the CYCLE OF ABUSE...even when they are seemingly docile and penitent. The following article is by Survivors Unlimited. Please understand that no matter how pitiful or charming your abuser appears they meant what they did and most important THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN! 

Dr. Sam Vaknin at recommends that you have no contact whatsoever with your abuser once you are away from them. That you accept no gifts or phone calls but instead route them to your attorney. They are charming as snakes when they lose their source of supply! They feel so sorry for themselves and do everything possible to look pathetic and abandoned.

Here is his advice once out of the house-most of you women will not heed this advice and will end up wishing you had:
(2c) Refuse All Contact
  • Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. (make sure the courts understand you have been abused verbally and physically and they will mandate supervised contact only)
  • Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.
  • But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts – decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.
  • Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
  • Return all gifts he sends you.
  • Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.
  • Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
  • Do not answer his letters.
  • Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
  • Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.
  • Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.
  • Do not discuss him with your children.
  • Do not gossip about him.
  • Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
  • When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his.
  • Relegate any inevitable contact with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

Survivors Unlimited
The following are excerpts from Survivors Unlimited by Holly G. For booklets please contact the office:

Breaking The Cycle

Abuse: Separating Truth from Lies

LIE: It will never happen again. I've never done that before. I love you.

TRUTH: If you are hit once, you will be hit again - and again, and again, and again.
Your abuser has probably been aggressive with others before you.
Hitting is not love - it is a means of control.

LIE: If you had listened in the first place, I wouldn't have had to hit you.
You made me hit you. I'm sorry.

TRUTH: You are not responsible for your abuser's behavior. You do not deserve to be hit. Your abuser apologizes because they know that's what you want to hear - the fact is, they only want to control you.

LIE: I never meant to hurt you. I want you to be happy. I won't stop you if you want to leave me.

TRUTH: Your abuser did mean to hurt you - that's how they control you. Your abuser does not want you to be happy - if they did, they would not hit you. Your abuser will do whatever it takes to prevent you from leaving - not because they love you, but because they don't want you to gain control over your own life, and because they don't want anyone to find out the truth about who they really are.

LIE: I promise I'll get help; I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I can change.

TRUTH: Maybe your abuser will seek professional help; maybe they will even be one of the lucky ones who really do change. But don't wait around to find out - if you do, you are asking for trouble, most abusers say exactly what they know their victims want to hear, in the hope that their victims will believe them, and return. In those situations, it's sometimes only a matter of hours before things are right back to the way they were.

Abusers thrive on controlling their victims in whatever manner they deem the most effective. They lull their victims into a false sense of security, biding their time until self-confidence and self-esteem begin emerging. Then, they attack, ripping away the fragile threads of newly restored confidence and self-worth. Abusers blame their victims for their own failures, accusing them of "provoking" the attack. But there is no justification for abuse. No matter what the abuser says, abuse is never deserved; victims need to understand that what their abusers are telling them are absolute lies. ALL human beings have the right to make their own decisions. ALL human beings have the right to be treated with respect. ALL human beings have the right to express their own opinion. ALL human beings have the right to live their lives as they see fit. The Constitution states that these are inalienable rights, and that the denial of our rights by others is punishable under the law.

Leaving an abuser is a very difficult thing; victims have become so accustomed to their steady diet of abuse, it has become a kind of security - a hated security, to be sure, but a security nonetheless. The sense of shame and degradation that victims suffer when they are finally able to find the courage and strength to leave is tragic, because society tends to treat the abuser as the victim, instead of treating the abuser like the monster he or she truly is.

How often have we found ourselves frustrated at the disbelief we receive from those we thought we could talk to? How often have we heard people say, "Oh, please! He (or she) wouldn't hurt a fly, never mind hitting you!" How often have we found ourselves out in the cold, alone and scared, with nowhere safe to go, terrified that our abuser will find us, and drag us back into Hell?

How many of us have literally run for our lives? How many of us have literally had to become completely different people, discarding our identities in order to protect our own lives, and - for those who have them - the lives of our children, hoping against hope that our abusers won't ever find us? Too many.
Separating the truth from the lies is as easy as it is painful and difficult. You don't want to give up on the people who are abusing you, because somewhere deep inside you is the memory of why you chose to spend so much of your life with them in the first place. It's only natural to keep hoping that your abuser will change, that maybe it will be different 'this time.'

It's only normal that you refuse to accept what your heart tells you is true: unless your abuser seeks professional help, it's doubtful things will change.

But you know, there is an incredible, awesome, wonderful Life out there, and it's waiting for you to reach out and experience it. It's waiting for you to discover -or perhaps rediscover - how intelligent, wise, loving, compassionate, giving, tolerant, patient, and glorious you are. Life is supposed to be a wonderful time of learning and loving, and a time in which you have the continual pleasure and excitement of finding out what lies around the next bend of this incredible road.

Life is not supposed to filled with nothing but pain, heartache, misery, and rage. We are all here to learn how to become better people, to fulfill our special missions - whatever they may be - and to enjoy the joys and challenges we can experience along the way. It doesn't matter whether we're the CEO of a huge corporation, a single parent forced to rely on the generosity of government agencies, or some rich and famous musician, author, singer, or dancer - we all have important missions to fulfill. We all deserve to experience the joys and challenges of Life; these things are essential to our growth as human beings. If victims continue to deny themselves of what is rightfully theirs - Life - by continuing to allow their abusers to control J them, they are denying the rest of the world something rare and precious: them-selves.

Holly G. - Excerpted from Survivors Unlimited Vol. 1 - No. 1

Deconstructing the Psyche

The statistics on domestic violence are frightening. The incidents of death resulting from domestic disputes are on the rise. There are reports of parents killing their children, children killing other children, and children killing their parents.

There was a time when abusers pretty much had free reign over their victims. In the 1960's, abuse was considered by many as 'non-existent.' People believed that what went on behind closed doors was nobody's business but their own; abusers were often treated as the victims of spite. How the times have changed!

Yet, as a Survivor of abuse, I can honestly say that, while times have, indeed, changed, there are many ways in which the times haven't really changed at all. Why is it, for example, that we only hear about abuse when we read about the death of a victim in the paper?

As all abuse Survivors are well aware, the shame and degradation we feel at having remained in abusive relationships for so long is overwhelming. Coming for-ward with the truth is even more humiliating. Virtually all abuse Survivors know all too well the sense of humiliation when our claims of abuse are met with disbelief and disdain. We know, too, the sense of helpless frustration and fear such disbelief brings: Will they (those we confide in) tell? What do I do? Where do I go? If he finds me, I'm dead!

Abuse takes many forms. Some are visible, but most are not. And while the physical scars may heal over time, the mental, emotional, and spiritual scars are. For many, permanent reminders of lost innocence, faith, trust, and hope.

It is my deepest hope that this small handbook will provide you hope for your own future, as well as a better sense of who you are as an individual. Indeed, the fact that you have found the courage and the strength to free yourself from your abuser is a true cause for celebration!

The truth is, if your partner abuses you once, chances are, they'll do it again. But, no matter what they promise, how sincere their apologies, how desperate their pleas for you to return, or how strong they protest that it will never happen again. the fact remains that your trust has been betrayed.

Once broken, that trust cannot - and should not - be mended.

You are free if you allow yourself to be. The fact that have found the courage to get out from under the crushing boot of your abuser, and that you have found the strength to repel the burning touch of your abuser's closed fists, means that, on a deeper level, you realize that you do not - and never did - deserve the abuse you have suffered. It means that you have a true fighting Spirit, and are deter-mined to exercise your right to be treated as the human being you are.

Never give up. Right now, you may feel like your suffering is hopeless. But, in reality, freeing yourself from the abuse you have endured means you are keeping hope alive.

And that, Survivor, means that you are now in the driver's seat.

It means that you have chosen to win.

Holly G. - Excerpted from Survivors Unlimited Vol. 1 - No. 2

See you next blog,


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