Refusing Contact With Your Narcissist Ex!

Today I got messages from 2 ladies who had read my blog What Happens When You Leave A Narcissist?  http://talesfromted.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-happens-when-you-leave-narcissist.html

One commented that I hit the nail right on the head in every detail! 

The other woman commented that "the hardest thing in the world is to not leave home because they still have access to you, but to divorce a Narcissist when you have children with them. They really believe they are good guys who are just misunderstood. They use the children against you and try to convince your parents that you have hormonal issues and need to come back home where you can be cared for by those who love you. They say that all is forgiven and you can start where you left off. Some will even go to counseling so they can learn to tell you what you want to hear. They mimic love because they truly cannot feel compassion or love. Their idea of love is sex and lots of it if you are worthy of their bed."

Well all of this is true and most of it will be exhibited by the Narcissist you married...however some will kill you if you don't respond appropriately. With every Narcissist caution must be exhibited and contact must be kept to supervised contact only after divorce!

I won't mention names to protect them but both have experienced deception akin to dealing with the devil himself. The one thing I want everyone to know that is married to a Narcissist is the you are always in the CYCLE OF ABUSE...even when they are seemingly docile and penitent. The following article is by Survivors Unlimited. Please understand that no matter how pitiful or charming your abuser appears they meant what they did and most important THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN! 

Dr. Sam Vaknin at http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html#children recommends that you have no contact whatsoever with your abuser once you are away from them. That you accept no gifts or phone calls but instead route them to your attorney. They are charming as snakes when they lose their source of supply! They feel so sorry for themselves and do everything possible to look pathetic and abandoned.

Here is his advice once out of the house-most of you women will not heed this advice and will end up wishing you had:

(2c) Refuse All Contact

• Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. (make sure the courts understand you have been abused verbally and physically and they will mandate supervised contact only)

• Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.

• But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts – decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

• Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

• Return all gifts he sends you.

• Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

• Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

• Do not answer his letters.

• Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

• Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

• Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

• Do not discuss him with your children.

• Do not gossip about him.

• Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

• When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his.

• Relegate any inevitable contact with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

Survivors Unlimited
The following are excerpts from Survivors Unlimited by Holly G. For booklets please contact the office: info@pssaw.org
http://www.pssaw.org/survivors-unlimited.html

Breaking The Cycle

Abuse: Separating Truth from Lies

LIE: It will never happen again. I've never done that before. I love you.

TRUTH: If you are hit once, you will be hit again - and again, and again, and again.
Your abuser has probably been aggressive with others before you.
Hitting is not love - it is a means of control.

LIE: If you had listened in the first place, I wouldn't have had to hit you.
You made me hit you. I'm sorry.

TRUTH: You are not responsible for your abuser's behavior. You do not deserve to be hit. Your abuser apologizes because they know that's what you want to hear - the fact is, they only want to control you.

LIE: I never meant to hurt you. I want you to be happy. I won't stop you if you want to leave me.

TRUTH: Your abuser did mean to hurt you - that's how they control you. Your abuser does not want you to be happy - if they did, they would not hit you. Your abuser will do whatever it takes to prevent you from leaving - not because they love you, but because they don't want you to gain control over your own life, and because they don't want anyone to find out the truth about who they really are.

LIE: I promise I'll get help; I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I can change.

TRUTH: Maybe your abuser will seek professional help; maybe they will even be one of the lucky ones who really do change. But don't wait around to find out - if you do, you are asking for trouble, most abusers say exactly what they know their victims want to hear, in the hope that their victims will believe them, and return. In those situations, it's sometimes only a matter of hours before things are right back to the way they were.

Abusers thrive on controlling their victims in whatever manner they deem the most effective. They lull their victims into a false sense of security, biding their time until self-confidence and self-esteem begin emerging. Then, they attack, ripping away the fragile threads of newly restored confidence and self-worth. Abusers blame their victims for their own failures, accusing them of "provoking" the attack. But there is no justification for abuse. No matter what the abuser says, abuse is never deserved; victims need to understand that what their abusers are telling them are absolute lies. ALL human beings have the right to make their own decisions. ALL human beings have the right to be treated with respect. ALL human beings have the right to express their own opinion. ALL human beings have the right to live their lives as they see fit. The Constitution states that these are inalienable rights, and that the denial of our rights by others is punishable under the law.

Leaving an abuser is a very difficult thing; victims have become so accustomed to their steady diet of abuse, it has become a kind of security - a hated security, to be sure, but a security nonetheless. The sense of shame and degradation that victims suffer when they are finally able to find the courage and strength to leave is tragic, because society tends to treat the abuser as the victim, instead of treating the abuser like the monster he or she truly is.

How often have we found ourselves frustrated at the disbelief we receive from those we thought we could talk to? How often have we heard people say, "Oh, please! He (or she) wouldn't hurt a fly, never mind hitting you!" How often have we found ourselves out in the cold, alone and scared, with nowhere safe to go, terrified that our abuser will find us, and drag us back into Hell?

How many of us have literally run for our lives? How many of us have literally had to become completely different people, discarding our identities in order to protect our own lives, and - for those who have them - the lives of our children, hoping against hope that our abusers won't ever find us? Too many.
Separating the truth from the lies is as easy as it is painful and difficult. You don't want to give up on the people who are abusing you, because somewhere deep inside you is the memory of why you chose to spend so much of your life with them in the first place. It's only natural to keep hoping that your abuser will change, that maybe it will be different 'this time.'

It's only normal that you refuse to accept what your heart tells you is true: unless your abuser seeks professional help, it's doubtful things will change.

But you know, there is an incredible, awesome, wonderful Life out there, and it's waiting for you to reach out and experience it. It's waiting for you to discover -or perhaps rediscover - how intelligent, wise, loving, compassionate, giving, tolerant, patient, and glorious you are. Life is supposed to be a wonderful time of learning and loving, and a time in which you have the continual pleasure and excitement of finding out what lies around the next bend of this incredible road.

Life is not supposed to filled with nothing but pain, heartache, misery, and rage. We are all here to learn how to become better people, to fulfill our special missions - whatever they may be - and to enjoy the joys and challenges we can experience along the way. It doesn't matter whether we're the CEO of a huge corporation, a single parent forced to rely on the generosity of government agencies, or some rich and famous musician, author, singer, or dancer - we all have important missions to fulfill. We all deserve to experience the joys and challenges of Life; these things are essential to our growth as human beings. If victims continue to deny themselves of what is rightfully theirs - Life - by continuing to allow their abusers to control J them, they are denying the rest of the world something rare and precious: them-selves.

Holly G. - Excerpted from Survivors Unlimited Vol. 1 - No. 1

Deconstructing the Psyche

The statistics on domestic violence are frightening. The incidents of death resulting from domestic disputes are on the rise. There are reports of parents killing their children, children killing other children, and children killing their parents.

There was a time when abusers pretty much had free reign over their victims. In the 1960's, abuse was considered by many as 'non-existent.' People believed that what went on behind closed doors was nobody's business but their own; abusers were often treated as the victims of spite. How the times have changed!

Yet, as a Survivor of abuse, I can honestly say that, while times have, indeed, changed, there are many ways in which the times haven't really changed at all. Why is it, for example, that we only hear about abuse when we read about the death of a victim in the paper?

As all abuse Survivors are well aware, the shame and degradation we feel at having remained in abusive relationships for so long is overwhelming. Coming for-ward with the truth is even more humiliating. Virtually all abuse Survivors know all too well the sense of humiliation when our claims of abuse are met with disbelief and disdain. We know, too, the sense of helpless frustration and fear such disbelief brings: Will they (those we confide in) tell? What do I do? Where do I go? If he finds me, I'm dead!

Abuse takes many forms. Some are visible, but most are not. And while the physical scars may heal over time, the mental, emotional, and spiritual scars are. For many, permanent reminders of lost innocence, faith, trust, and hope.

It is my deepest hope that this small handbook will provide you hope for your own future, as well as a better sense of who you are as an individual. Indeed, the fact that you have found the courage and the strength to free yourself from your abuser is a true cause for celebration!

The truth is, if your partner abuses you once, chances are, they'll do it again. But, no matter what they promise, how sincere their apologies, how desperate their pleas for you to return, or how strong they protest that it will never happen again. the fact remains that your trust has been betrayed.

Once broken, that trust cannot - and should not - be mended.

You are free if you allow yourself to be. The fact that have found the courage to get out from under the crushing boot of your abuser, and that you have found the strength to repel the burning touch of your abuser's closed fists, means that, on a deeper level, you realize that you do not - and never did - deserve the abuse you have suffered. It means that you have a true fighting Spirit, and are deter-mined to exercise your right to be treated as the human being you are.

Never give up. Right now, you may feel like your suffering is hopeless. But, in reality, freeing yourself from the abuse you have endured means you are keeping hope alive.

And that, Survivor, means that you are now in the driver's seat.

It means that you have chosen to win.

Holly G. - Excerpted from Survivors Unlimited Vol. 1 - No. 2

See you next blog,
Ted

Alone And Friendless For Christmas

This year I was alone for Thanksgiving. I've been alone for Thanksgiving before though it has been a while, and this year I will be alone for Christmas and New Year's. I've been alone for Christmas and New Year's before and wondered what to do with me. Maybe some of you are in that same fix. What to do, you ask yourself? Sure, it’s easy to fall into a funk and begin to feel sorry for yourself and your situation. What makes it worse is if you don't even have a friend to do Christmas with for whatever reason. Sometimes it was by choice, and other times it wasn't. In any case, when I was alone for Thanksgiving this year I read and went to a movie, I found a way to make the most of my situation and looked at it with from a very short-term perspective —who knows what next year will bring? What if it is the same thing? What will you do then? Plan ahead!

It’s a great time to do something completely different and go outside of your comfort zone or shell of security. If you've never volunteered at a food bank or kitchen, give it a try. I called around this week to see where I can volunteer this year and found that food kitchens require you to have a health card now. So if you want to do that next year, plan ahead and get your health card. If you plan ahead next year you can also help in a food bank or Christmas present distribution just before Christmas Day. If you are not the volunteer type there are other things you can do

So here are some other suggestions you can try if you’re alone for Thanksgiving or Christmas. And if none of those things float your boat, well, here are even more suggestions on how to make the holidays a little less lonely. Remember, you can be alone for the holidays and not have to feel lonely.

*  Churches sometimes offer to provide meals and fellowship and a wonderful time with the God who loves us.

* If you have never read through the Bible completely Christmas Day is good time to start.

* Read a book you have always wanted to pick up and read but just never found time to do.

*  Go to McDonald's the day before Christmas and buy gift cards to hand out to those in need as you drive or walk city streets.

*  Stay home and write about your best Christmas ever-a trip down memory lane can do a world of good!

*  Fix yourself a meal of something you would really enjoy-take time for yourself

* Go see a movie...most movie theaters are open on Christmas day-do a movie marathon!

* A guy named Paul Little filmed himself doing every role in Home Alone       http://kfor.com/2013/12/23/watch-man-creates-christmas-classic-home-alone-playing-all-parts/

* Broke? Stay home and watch your favorite Christmas movies even broadcast TV has them. Don't forget popcorn is cheap and so are cookies...worry about the calories tomorrow!

* Many gyms are open on Christmas-it's good time to start a new routine or do continue an old one.

* Drive to the country for a day if seasonal weather isn't a problem.

* Build a computer, do a project for a day, or plan a project to do for the coming year.

* Write to a soldier defending our freedoms-soldiers get lonely too even in a crowd of other soldiers
http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

Most importantly don't sit and feel sorry for yourself because of high expectations! Remember, if you feel like you’re missing out on the ideal holiday Hallmark scene, it helps to be brought back to reality. Things happen in life that bring about disappointment and loss but it is never something that cannot be remedied for the future. For most families, holidays are often a time of stress combined with a time of togetherness. It’s not all flowers and sunshine, and some people absolutely dread getting together with their family because of family expectations of “togetherness. or other issues” That’s part of the problem — this sense of “togetherness” comes part and parcel with the holidays. As Dr. Elaine Rodino noted in her articles about coping with the holidays, “There’s so much hype for this wonderful time of togetherness, that it accentuates the feeling of being alone and disconnected.” I can think of several Christmases with family I would rather have been somewhere else...even alone! Next year may be different, but if it isn't, plan to do something outside your comfort zone. Make it a Christmas adventure!

Although we may sometimes feel very much alone in the world, we are the makers of our own reality and feelings. If you’re alone this Thanksgiving or Christmas, change your expectations — change something up this holiday season — and you can change your holiday from one of feeling lonely and sorry for yourself, to one of feeling alone — but content. Remember something very important if you are a believer, God loved your life enough to provide a way to be with Him for eternity by giving the greatest gift man has ever known-His Son. Embrace Christmas for it's true meaning not what the world tells you Christmas is for! Have a very blessed Christmas EVERYONE!

See you next blog,
Ted

Are Christians Allowed Their Beliefs? The Liberal Hate Mongers Are Allowed Theirs!

By extrapolating quotes and just plain old lying, the elite media are using a GQ interview with "Duck Dynasty" patriarch Phil Robertson as an excuse to go on an anti-Christian rampage that they hope will further their longstanding goal of toxifying Biblical beliefs as bigoted and anti-gay. If you read the full GQ interview, though, it is glaringly obvious that Robertson is anti-sin, not anti-gay, and that he believes we should all love one another.

To begin with, the Duck Commander did not single out homosexual behavior; he listed over a half-dozen sins, including adultery, greed, bestiality, drunkenness, idolatry, etc. But the most important thing Robertson said I have yet to see anyone in the elite media report:
You put in your article that the Robertson family really believes strongly that if the human race loved each other and they loved God, we would just be better off. We ought to just be repentant, turn to God, and let’s get on with it, and everything will turn around. Here's the most important thing: in the article, Robertson said this just before he talked at length about sin.

Obviously, context is everything when it comes to understanding truth, but context is also kryptonite to an anti-Christian media and left only interested in furthering their own bigoted agenda.

If you look at the full context of what Robertson said, including the quote about loving one another that the media is going out of its way to not report, how can the media claim that Robertson said homosexuals are going to Hell? Or that he singled out homosexuals? Or that he compared homosexuality to bestiality.

If Robertson compared homosexuality to bestiality, he also compared adultery, drunkenness and greed to bestiality -- and no one is arguing that.

You can only claim what the left and the media are claiming about Robertson if you are lying, and it is just a fact that through the act of omission (the quote above) and commission, the media are lying.

Phil Robertson is anti-sin, believes we should all love one another, and believes we can all be saved through the grace of Jesus Christ.
Only the media and the left could be offended by that.

In a wide-ranging interview in GQ, Robertson didn't hold back when sharing his thoughts about homosexuality and sin in general.

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong... Sin becomes fine,” he said. “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”

Click here to read his entire interview in GQ.

Paraphrasing Corinthians he added: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

The gay and lesbian rights group GLAAD was quick to criticize Robertson for his comments and called on A&E to take action.

I wonder if they are miserable that the word of God calls homosexuality an ABOMINATION before God multiple times in scripture? The homosexual community has done everything possible to change the context of scripture to read otherwise. They have spent millions of dollars to paint all of us who believe homosexuality is an ABOMINATION as homophobes! Many of our youth have bought into the lies because the liberal media is so effective at making GAY cool! Can God love gays, YES, but it is still sin and God requires repentance of the behavior in order to forgive sexual sin...all sexual sin! Should we love Gays, YES, but not be content with their sin nor sin in our lives either.

(By the way, I don't watch the show, buy any of their stuff, or endorse the program, but I am sick of the Christian hate-mongering media and liberals going on the attack of our beliefs when they can flaunt theirs in our face.)

See you next blog,
Ted

Regrets You Don't Want In Life

How would you like to wake up ten years from now and realize your whole life has been wasted, lost on following foolish advice or allowing a fool to manage your life, toxic relationships, achievements you gave up on because of negative criticism by a cynic, and wishing your life had been different?

1. Wearing a mask to impress others. – If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it.  Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are.  So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you.  You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people. Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Letting someone else create their dreams at your expense – The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find.  A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams.  Do you have people who disagree with you?  Good.  It means you’re standing your ground and walking your own path.  Sometimes you’ll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that’s when you’ll know you’re doing the right thing.  Don't let those who don't love you or understand you tell you how or what to dream!
3. Keeping negative company. – Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.  Don't let them tell you who you are. Don't allow bad company to look down on you from their self-imposed perch! Don’t let them get to you.  They can’t pull the trigger if you don’t hand them the gun.  When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety. 
4. Being selfish and egotistical or allowing selfish and egotistical people room to harm you – You are the best judge of what you need in life to be content if you born with compassion for others. Some people simply are not and never will be. A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone.  Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired.  So carve your name on hearts, not stone.  What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
5. Avoiding change and growth. – If you want to know your past look into your present conditions.  If you want to know your future look into your present actions.  You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back or get better.  If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for lasting success.  
6. Giving up when the going gets tough. – There really are no failures, just results if you learn from bad results.  Even if things don’t unfold the way you had expected, don’t be disheartened or give up.  Learn what you can and move on.  The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end.  Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory.  It’s a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing or let someone micromanage you. – Life should be touched, not strangled.  Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement.  Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight.  Take a deep breath.  When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward.  You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great.  If your steps are ordered by God everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots. Don't let anyone micromanage your life-who says they are right?
8. Settling for less than you deserve. – Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.  Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before.  Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again.  Don’t just settle make whatever changes you need to love your life.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow. – The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do.  We are not ever promised a tomorrow so make today count! One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do.  And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t. Procrastination is a dream killer!
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy. – The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING.  Develop a backbone and say what you mean, not a wishbone.  Sugar-coating only gives others the advantage to harm you. Take full responsibility for your life – take control.  God's gift to you is life, your gift to Him is what you do with it! You are important-God said so in His word, and you are needed.  It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday.  Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU-GET OUT THERE AND GET BUSY!

See you next blog,

Ted