ABUSE & CODEPENDENCY: The Heartbreak of Falling In Love With Co-dependents

If you have ever fallen in love with a co-dependent let me warn you now that it is the hardest thing you will experience in your life next to being married to an abuser, because a co-dependent has built a protective wall around their realm that keeps them inside their abuser's castle no matter what (s)he does to them. The goal of the abuser is to win at any cost. That can include many things such as suddenly giving the appearance of becoming the consonant care-giver. Caring for the very children or spouse they abused earlier. It is all part of the cycle of the abusers repetitive behavior. The codependent is powerless to understand what has occurred because they want so badly to believe change is coming. The worst thing is that the codependent will feel justified in staying in that terrible relationship because it makes them feel better about themselves for enduring the pain. Even their abusers are co-dependent on them so that they can maintain control the partner they have controlled for years...they crave that control and the ability to abuse at will, and the abused accept the abuse so they can feel justified in their misery, all the while enabling the abuser to maintain "business as usual." Unfortunately, if a codependent should remarry they may still be attached to the abuser mentally and emotionally because they never received the validation they craved. Often times they return to their abuser and live a miserable existence in and out of bitterness. Codependents may feel they protected those they nurtured, but in reality, by maintaining a family in an unhealthy environment they fed the abuse and allowed emotional damage to all involved.

Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD, MPH

By Eric Metcalf, MPH
A WebMD Feature

The truth is that both men and women can abuse and both are codependent, but since the proportion is slightly more men to women, I will use the man as the abuser for this discussion.

Abusers tend to display characteristics of the codependent personality, as well as do those who stay in abusive relationships.

 

Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves. The codependent is characterized by their obsessive and repeated attempts to live their life through another, or to live their life for another-their children, or family, and even their abusive spouse. They have been abused most of their lives and choose subconsciously those who can hurt them most so that they feel good about themselves. The abuser, in order to enable this 'switch' attempt to control another and to control circumstances will act as well to maintain control once discovered by subtle means, usually by making alliances against the abused within the family and friends circle.

The codependent abuser may often feel like they are a victim, or that everything wrong in their life is another's fault. They have the tendency to blame others for wrongness within themselves, or to be hyper-vigilant to other's actions and opinions. They may attempt to 'fix' every one around them, or they feel an intense anxiety in a relationship. Abuser's and co-dependents fear real intimacy for different reasons, yet - self-contradicting - have an intense fear of being alone or abandoned. Codependents, on the other hand, while fearing intimacy will cling to an abusive relationship while craving intimacy from the abuser who is unable and unwilling to provide it.
 
Ironically, as much as a codependent person may feel responsible for others, she will feel the need to take care of others, she may overly relate to another's moods. She often will blame others for her unhappiness or her problems yet foolishly remain in an unhealthy marital relationship. If she has an issue it is almost always because of something another person said or did, or didn't say or do when she could have saved those she nurtures from more abuse. 

Additionally, where the codependent abuser may feel that it is the abused in their life that are 'over-controlling', it is in fact they, themselves, that are overly controlling as well by sponsoring an unhealthy relationship. The abuser is afraid that by allowing others to be who they are, or by allowing events to unfold as they will, that he will somehow, himself, be out of control. The abusive man believe only he knows best, he believes those around him should behave as he thinks they should behave, and he uses all kinds of little ways to get that person to do and think as he believes they should. He then becomes overly controlling and if the other person fights this control, refuses to change, or remains adamant in their own beliefs the codependent will attempt to control and manipulate them even more by more docile and subtle means - all the while claiming that the other one is the controlling one. He will use force, threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, insulting, shame, remove assets, neediness, selfishness, denial, manipulation, or domination - anything he can in his attempt to gain control over another. Tragically, the abused codependent will conform to his attempts in most cases and take on false guilt. The cycle is never-ending and if their are children in the relationship, they pay a heavy toll for life.

Am I Codependent?

Emotional problems are common in the codependent. Depression, anxiety, dysfunctional relationships, insomnia, addictions, or over possessiveness in relationships are all common traits among codependents. Additionally, a codependent often has a driven compulsion for 'more', yet an anxious feeling of incompleteness or emptiness will remain  - no matter what he has accomplished.

 

Common signs that you may be a codependent abuser:

• Constantly seek approval and admiration from your mate, having no true sense of self identity outside a relationship
• Inability to feel comfortable when alone
• Feelings of being superior or not like others
• Confusion, or a deep sense of inadequacy
• Feeling either totally responsible or completely without blame
• Extreme dependency  and control of your mate, and an intense fear of abandonment
• Unyielding and in need of constant control over all aspects of the relationship
• Extremely low self esteem and may be very self-critical
• Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships. Long line of failed relationships of which the codependent abuser believes the other partner was always to blame.
• Lies for no reason. Creates a 'false self' that the outside world sees
• Denies or refuses to recognize that his actions are not 'normal' behaviors
• Denies feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, or shame with self
• Gets bored easily, needs to feel excitement
• Craves the next high and becomes obsessive compulsive with time
• Overtly sexual and demanding
• Easily angered and resentful while masking it with kindness 

Common signs that you may be a codependent in an abusive relationship:

• Difficulty in following a simple project through. Inability to concentrate
• Unhappy. Joyless. Unable to to relax and have fun
• Abused as a child 
• Depression
• Sadness
• Fearful of change
• Intense lack of self-confidence. Inability to make even simple decisions or choices
• Denies feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, or shame with self
• Inability to positively see alternatives to bad situations. Pessimism
• Isolation from friends and family
• Believe there is something wrong with you. Thinking if you change you can make your partner happy
• Misguided sense of loyalty to the abuser 
• Fear of making mistakes to the point of complete indecision
• Feelings of anxiety even sickness when faced with anger and criticism
• Confusion between love and pity
• Panic attacks and physical problems 
• Tendency to be a rescuer to others suffering from hurtful relationships and seeks those who 'need' you within your social strata
• Inability to commit to another because of a need for validation from the abuser

Unfortunately, falling in love with someone who has been controlled to the point of accepting false guilt as a way of life could prove to be very painful to those who love them. The devastation is almost total in most cases. In fact, they enabled their own misery by protecting those who damaged them. Many never fully recover from a devastating long-term relationship without intense counseling and therapy. Is there hope? Yes, for some, but the price is high and the emotional pain must be counted for those who choose to love them. 

Things that will happen to those who fall for people who live in abuse relationships:

• They make promises but find themselves helpless to fill them
• They have no concept of time in relation to a relationship with you
• They are so busy looking for acceptance by so many others that you will find they only have limited time for a deep relationship
• They have real relationship concept problems that will lead you to confusion as to how a relationship will work
• Self-doubt will cause them to change their minds so often that you will become frustrated with them.
• They have serious trust issues and not just about you but that they can make a good decision
• They lie to you so that you will not uncover the fact that they have doubts about almost everything
• They generally fear the loss of a relationship with their abuser and many often return to the abuse

By Eric Metcalf, MPH

I recommend reading Enabling Personalities by Jake Lawson if you are considering a relationship with a codependent person.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14675-enabling-personality/

See you next blog,
Ted