You Have Decided To Divorce: Starting Life Over Again

Let's face it, starting your life over after a divorce is probably one of the most daunting experiences you will ever face. Physicians and mental health experts say it is right at the top of list of the most traumatic events in a person's life! The unknown, after being in the familiar, is a very scary place when you are used to the same routine daily. Even in very abusive marriages the familiar becomes acceptable because not every minute holds terror. Too many abused immerse themselves in development of their children even though those children will remain dysfunctional depending on how long you stayed as your abuser's possession. Needless to say, you will have a lot of undoing once you are free of your abuser's influence. It is not impossible if you remain committed to the task of correcting wrongs without becoming too self critical and also criticizing the child who has become dysfunctional-more on that in a later blog.

Starting again, has caused many a hardship, anxiety, separation or depression when done haphazardly. We all, at one time or another, have had to pick ourselves up and start again, even if the cause was emotional or physical injury. However once you finally accept these changes as a part of life, you can once again move forward.We only live once on earth, and we can't live in the past forever-LET GO AND MOVE ON!

Hopefully, if you are a Christian, you have prayed consistently and received help from those you trust to come to this place in life and start over. In spite of what you have heard and been taught, Christ himself gave us the right of divorce even though He said it is because of sin (their unchanging abuse) that our hardened hearts require it. Divorce because of abuse is the right thing to do in almost every case! Most abusers only stop abusing until they get you where they want you-back under their control! 

Read Pastor Jeff Crippen's A Cry For Justice

Marriage, Vows, and Divorce by Jeff Crippen

( http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/marriage-vows-and-divorce-by-jeff-crippen-and-anna-wood/ ), and Kerby Anderson's Probe Ministries What Qualifies As Verbal Abuse ( http://talesfromted.blogspot.com/2012/07/what-qualifies-as-verbal-abuse.html ) on one of my prior blogs. If you have been emotionally or physically abused it was never God's intention that you live with your captor!  

You were supposed to have a spiritual head of household who always had your best interest in mind based on real, identifiable love like Christ has for the church and gave himself up for it. In other words leadership based on humility and sacrifice not obsessive-compulsive leadership by intimidation or their idea of what is best for you!

• Accept the fact that changes have to be made in your life. It happens to everyone, so you're not alone. Just take one big breath, one small step in front of the other, and think a little bit then take action!
• Recognize what caused the changes. If it is a marital problem, where did the problem start? Could it have been avoided, or can you recognize it and make changes so that it does not happen again.
• Read self-help books. Learn about relationships and find information that applies to your situation.
• Admit that you have lost your job, and sit down and think about what other type of work you may be eligible for or been trained in. If you cannot find a job, then learn a trade. Take a night course, an aptitude test, or think about what you always wanted to do, but never had the chance. Change can be inspirational!
• Take adult education classes or return to college and get that degree so you can obtain the kind of job you always wanted but thought you were not qualified for 
• Meet others. Attend social events that do not involve drinking alcohol. This is very important for the believer especially. Because you battle the effects of emotional injury you can overdo the alcohol cycle and end up in real problems again. Also with the advent of date rape drugs it is easy for a perpetrator to spike your drink. The results are devastating! If you are going to drink alcoholic beverages moderation is the key! Be sociable and get on with your life and strive to be happy again.

Divorce can be difficult and can fill you with guilt or you begin to become bitter toward the other. Attend counseling or help groups, read books, talk to others that are trustworthy advisers and friends, but do not carry the pain or the question of whose fault it is within you forever. If you feel you can reconcile, then go for it! But in the case of abuse it is never a good idea to return. Ask yourself honestly would the second time around be any different or somehow better than the first? How can you trust someone who has damaged you emotionally or physically no matter how sorry they may appear?

• Be careful in being too harsh on yourself. Recognize where you went wrong but remember the grace and mercy of our Lord is a constant! Blame can be like poison in the body. Realize mistakes were made and accept what has happened and go on with your life because you really cannot change the past.
• Finding a new job and starting a new household can be a wonderful start of at a new life. You may find that it will be the best thing that has happened to you, something you have always wanted to do, but never had the nerve to change.
• If you are still in the home you were living in before your divorce, rearrange the furniture and fixtures to suit your taste and that of your children, however a new, more manageable location is preferable in most cases. If you can't leave sometimes the memories of a room or a house can be hard to shake. Take an afternoon and rearrange the furniture, pictures, etc. It will start feeling new and fresh and the memories of your new place will be all yours.
• Most importantly spend time with people that make you feel good and make you feel positive. You may find that old friends are bringing you down. Change the patterns and surround yourself with people who make you feel better or encourage your self improvement. Sometimes the best way to start over is to cut out the negatives.

Never! NO NEVER accept negative comments about your new life or how you got there as long as you are not repeating the same mistakes. Doing things the same way and expecting different results is totally insane!



See you next blog,
Ted