OK, MY ABUSER SAYS HE'S SORRY

In all fairness there are women who abuse men and their children too, but right now because statistics show that more men abuse women than the other way around I am addressing men.


OK, so my abuser and I have had a sort of dialogue and he said he was sorry...well sort of said he was sorry for almost everything...Can I trust him?

First of all in order to keep control an abuser will admit to some things in the past, however painfully that apology comes. They are almost always sorry right after an abuse session so that they can feel better about themselves. You see, it really is all about themselves anyway. If they are genuinely repentant, there are ways of knowing!


ABUSERS! REAL REPENTANCE WILL CONSIST OF THE FOLLOWING ACTIONS:

Stop all blame-shifting. Stop blaming your spouse. Stop making excuses.
That means when you apologize do not push ANY of the blame back on the abused spouse. Step up to the plate and take full responsibility for your actions!

Commit to going to a professionally run Behaviour Change Group for spouse-abusers that you and your wife agree on. This begins by attending counseling sessions with her and let the (Christian) counselor and your wife decide which group you should attend.
That doesn't mean attend a few sessions and then find you don't think the sponsor understands you, or that you will find a better group to be a part of, or if your counselor or group leader calls you down for your seriously warped thinking!

Admit, confess and accept responsibility for all your abuse, in full detail.
This is really where the rubber meets the road. Full confession means to confess to more than just to your wife and with no coercion involved to get the truth out of you!

Identify the attitudes that drive your abusiveness.
You will have to listen carefully here dude!!! Your counselor will help you identify the attitudes that drive your abusive behavior. You will have to speak up and help the counselor help you...that means talk!

Relinquish your attitude of superiority over your partner, even the last bastion and stronghold of your selfish sense of entitlement.
This is gonna be the hard one! Because it will be a complete change of how you have handled  things to date. You are literally dying to self and allowing yourself become a new person with a new attitude that allows your spouse the freedom to be who she is.

Be accountable to group leaders, probation officers, courts, and any others who are overseeing your actions and attitudes. Abusers by their very nature tend to believe the rules apply only to those they abuse and not to themselves, so as an abuser your attitude should be drastically altered here! That means you accept total responsibility for your heinous acts and that you want to do everything in your power to set things right. Time will tell! Your actions will speak much better than your talk!


Accept the consequences of your actions.
As with everything we do that harms another you will accept the fact that your spouse my be so afraid of you, or be so disgusted with everything you have done that divorce is imminent. YOU DID THIS! OWN UP TO IT AND REALIZE THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO THAT HARMS ANOTHER PERSON!


Resist feeling sorry for yourself if you have to pay consequences.YOU DID THIS!!!
IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR PITY YOU WILL FIND IT ONLY IN THE DICTIONARY! Your spouse and those of your family and inner circles would be making a grave mistake to offer you sympathy or pity of any kind. BE A MAN, OWN YOUR HAUGHTY and FOOLISH BEHAVIOR!!


Be honest and non-manipulative in your communication.
Do NOT attempt to use behavioural improvements as bargaining chips.
Do NOT demand credit for behavioural improvements.

Be empathetic to the multiple and long-lasting effects of their abuse on you partner and children.
Since EMPATHY has not been your best trait now is a time to figure out how important it is so that those you have injured will begin to see a real change. In fact, here is a definition that will help you to how important this trait is in a truly changed individual:
empathy  denotes a deep emotional understanding of another's feelings or problems,while sympathy  is more general and can apply to small annoyances or setbacks 

You see you may be able to mimic sympathy to try to convince others of your conversion to Mr Good Guy but EMPATHY requires something very special indeed...HEART! Try Jesus!

Attempt to right the wrongs by restoring losses which you've caused to their victims.
Ask your spouse and children what are the things you have taken from them by your cruel behavior and attempt to make it right with them without berating them or blame-shifting for their honest feelings about what hurts.


Allow the hurt partner and children to take as much time as they need to heal. 
According to the American Mental Health Counselors Association of professionals it is going to take you years of counseling to overcome your problem so allow your spouse and children the same latitude to heal before dealing with you again! You may end up divorced but it beats prison! You can still be good father if you are willing to try.

Carry your own weight in all matters, including parenting.
This means if the little woman decides to take you back hold up your end of the deal when it comes to loving care, tenderness, understanding, and wisdom in all matters concerning the heart...usually this takes a one on one relationship with Jesus. ABOVE ALL BE PART OF THE SOLUTION NOT THE PROBLEM!!!


Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviour.
This one is easy to understand. If you want respect it can't be DEMANDED, it must be EARNED! Now how hard is that???


Accept that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process.
Your problems weren't created overnight and they won't go away with just a few counseling sessions. Don't LIE to yourself anymore and let the professionals help you become a better man. The life you save may be your own! The AmerIcan Mental Health Counselors Association said statistics show it can take up to 10 years to get over your abusive behavior and that only if you fully cooperate!

Comments

  1. It's so tragic that even knowing the truth, most abusers will never get to repentance. It cannot be done without Jesus right smack dab in the middle of it! Thanks for sharing your counseling experience, Ted.

    Donna

    ReplyDelete

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