Somehow many women today find themselves trapped in abusive relationships and want to know how they got into this mess in the first place. Well, here are 7 secrets to finding yourself in just that situation.

Secret #1 It doesn't just happen; it comes about for a reason. Abused women settle for an abusive relationship because we were taught to settle for less. Mostly, we were taught by abuse in our own homes, desire for family of our own in spite of warning signs, uneducated or misinformed clergy, well-meaning friends, to settle for:

Less love
Less respect
Less care
Less consideration
Less support
Less encouragement than we wanted or needed. 

NOTE TO SELF: Somehow I believed the lie that it was my Christian duty to suffer for Christ and my ABUSER in order to win my heavenly reward...OH COME ON NOW!!!! What about all the other scriptures that tell us to have no fellowship with a fool, or angry people..to actually get away from them. Since when was it God's idea for your marriage to be a train wreck of constant abuse and even violence against you or your children? Do like that in almost every circumstance that what you think doesn't matter? Do like the fact that every time you try to talk to your spouse about the damage he is doing he puts all the blame back on you?

Secret #2 We become awfully good at denial. Well, you would, wouldn't you? When you learn that you are not that important, and you don't matter that much, it becomes second nature to blame yourself for whatever happens, does it not? Especially when HE AND EVERYONE ELSE IN HIS CIRCLE is in the habit of blaming you. The ABUSER may coach your children  into believing the abuse heaped on you is your fault. So you accept that everything that happens is your fault.

NOTE TO SELF: Never, ever, resign myself to live with the evil, negative projections that an ABUSER foists on me. When someone tells me that I am the worst kinds of awful and I swallow it, I am living their evil. Don't do it. They're wrong!!!

I would like to introduce pastor Jeff Crippen, a pastor who ministers to the abused in the correct way with truthful advice: http://www.sermonaudio.com/search.asp?keyword=domestic%20violence

Secret #3 Always, always let him off the hook. ENABLE HIM AND COLLUDE with him in accepting that he is never accountable for his actions. BECAUSE OF HIS MANIPULATIONS YOU BELIEVE YOU MADE HIM DO IT  - whatever it happens to be at the time.


Secret # 4 If you keep on throwing love at him, he's bound to improve one day. Isn't he? Your love is the alchemy that will one day turn his dross into gold. Or, if you prefer, just keep waving your magic wand as hard as you can and, some day, the magic is bound to work (if your arm doesn't drop off from exhaustion first). The best case scenario is that one day, you will finally have some power and influence that lasts longer than 5 minutes, in the relationship...

NOTE TO SELF: WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE-Why, on earth, would A SELFISH, SELF ABSORBED, ARROGANT  ABUSER bother to work at the relationship, when he can leave that stuff to me? 

In Christian relationships many misinformed clergy teach that you are to bear hardship like a good soldier of the cross...read pastor Crippen's messages on what abuse is called in the Bible!

Secret #5 Make sure you have a really, really skewed idea of the World. He is wonderful, and you are awful. Now, this one is a little counter-intuitive, but you'll probably understand it anyway. Most of the time he acts like a complete jerk. Yet that doesn't stop you believing that he is wonderful, and lovable, and his behaviour is all your fault, anyway. You, on the other hand, do everything you possibly can to be loving, caring, understanding, and supportive, and keep the peace, yet, all the time, you are vile, and horrible, and nobody else would ever want you. (Doubtless because you are too loving, caring, understanding and supportive...)

NOTE TO SELF: THIS APPLIES TO SO CALLED CHRISTIAN MEN! Reality check, please! If it looks like a jerk, talks like a jerk, and acts like a jerk, there is a good, O-B-V-I-O-U-S reason for that: it's a jerk. Every single jerk, since the beginning of time, has come with a guarantee, written in large print, across his forehead, which, curiously enough, nobody ever bothers to read, or heed, at the start. It reads: "This jerk is guaranteed to make you as unhappy as you have ever been in your entire life. He will never change or improve to make you happy." Enough said.

Secret #6 Always, always focus on him. It's all about him, isn't it? You are so convinced that he needs to change, that he is perfectible, and a fine human being whose light is largely hidden by a dung heap, that you completely and utterly disregard yourself. You'll be happy, when he... You'll be able to grow and thrive emotionally, when he... You'll defer having any good feelings, until you can bestow them on him first.

NOTE TO SELF: ABUSIVE MEN DON'T DO SELFLESSNESS!!! Oh, and they certainly don't defer gratification by sexual means. They want their emotional pay-offs and they want them now, toddler style-"I want it and I want it now woman and if you withhold you are not being submissive. You are not a good Christian if you are a withholder!" 

If having warm, fuzzy, loving feelings mattered to them, if being happy mattered to them, they would have focused their energies in that direction, instead of the eternal rant of dissatisfaction. DO YOU LIKE FEELING RAPED? THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Secret #7 Let him take control of the relationship from the first minute. You may not like the way he does things - in fact, you probably won't - but let him know that you are prepared to accept whatever he dishes out, regardless. Ignore everything you see that you don't like. If you prefer, you could ask him to change and take your wishes into account. But then, when he fails to do so, back down. He'll be fine with that, although he might have a temper tantrum. You probably won't be as comfortable with that, but that is not important, is it? (See Secret #6 above.)

Again, I hope this strikes a nerve! If you are in an abusive relationship and feel like you are stuck in it for reasons of faith, children, fear of the unknown, or believe somehow that you deserve the abuse, then please listen to Pastor Crippen's messages on abuse and the ABUSER! Pastor Crippen teaches that abuse is actually a form of murder in that the individuality and personality of the abused is actually being killed slowly

See you in tomorrow's blog,


  1. True. True. True. True. True. True. and True! Thank you for a difficult self examination that reveals some of the traps of wrong thinking. I am glad to stand up and be counted as a survivor who stepped out of the downward spiral! God bless you for sharing difficult truths.



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